Divorce? New Relationship? Help...

[sweetsummerdream]

This is a long story, but I'll try to sum it up as succinctly as possible.

When I was 21, in May of 2006, I got married to a guy that I had been dating for 3.5 years at the time. I was Catholic and he was not attending church at all when we met. I went to church every week and was very active in several ministries there. I invited him every time, but he was never interested. After about a year, he started to agree to go to church with me every once in a while. He proposed to me shortly after that and we had a long engagement. During the engagement, he told me that he wanted to become a Catholic and he went through RCIA.

Soon after we were married, physical abuse started to occur. It wasn't all too frequent and it wasn't that severe, so I didn't do anything about it. As time went on, it became more frequent and more severe and I started to get worried. Around this time, other things started to happen. He would stay out all night, get strange phone calls and texts at all hours, etc. He also changed some of his grooming habits. He was cheating. With more than one person. This all started becoming clear around October/ November 2007. Around this time, he started sleeping in our spare bedroom and we no longer had an intimate relationship.

Then, in January 2008, he told me that he didn't believe in God. He said that he had never believed in God at all and he considered himself Wiccan. His reason for converting to Catholicism was because he had decided that I would not marry him if I knew that he was Wiccan (which is true). Also, he told me that he didn't want to have a family. This was something that was very important to me and that we had discussed and always agreed on. He said that this was something else that he never really wanted, but just told me what I wanted to hear.

In February, 2008 he told me that he wanted a divorce. He hoped that we could be friends, but he didn't want to be married. He told me that he never really meant any of what he had said when we got married, he didn't even believe in the institution of marriage and wanted to be free and single. He confessed the cheating, etc. and said that he would continue to live in the spare bedroom temporarily for financial reasons, but that he wanted a divorce. He had already gotten divorce papers together and we worked on filling them out that same night, February 13, 2008 (the night before Valentine's Day). He wanted to file the papers that week. After speaking to his parents, he decided that he wanted to get some legal advice first, so the papers didn't actually get filed until August, even though he considered us divorced during that time. During the whole period between February and August, and all the way through today, we lived as if our marriage was over. He dated various people, presented himself to his family and friends as divorced, etc.

Now, to the even more complicated part: In February, 2008, I started to have romantic feelings for a close friend. Sometime after the one who I married told me that he wanted a divorce and filled out the papers, this friend and started a romantic relationship. And, I fell in love with him. Deeply. I love him in a way that I have never loved another person, ever. And, after the whole ordeal that I had been through, I honestly didn't think that this type of love really existed... it was real love. He is a Christian too...

Now, in April 2009, 14 months later, this man is pulling away from me. He says that he feels like we had an affair... my heart is completely broken. I don't know what to say or do... i keep praying to God to heal my heart and that if it is in His will that this relationship end to change my heart so that I can accept it... but i just can't get any peace about it... i don't understand it...

I have read a lot in the Bible about divorce, etc. According to the church, my marriage was never valid at all.

1. He doesn't believe in God and he is the one who chose to end the relationship
2. He committed adultery
3. He said that he never believed in God at all was fooling me into believing that he did so that I would marry him
4. He doesn't believe in marriage and didn't mean anything he said when we got married...
5. When he told me that he wanted a divorce, February 13,2008, he gave me divorce papers that same day.

And i thought that, for those reasons.... i don't even know what else to say... i love this man so much and don't know where to go from here.

Deut. 24:1-4
1) "When a man hath taken a wife and marries her, and it comes to pass that she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her, then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. 2) And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. 3) And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house, if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; 4) Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled, for that is abomination before Yahweh, and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which Yahweh thy Elohim giveth thee for an inheritance."

Matt 5:31-32
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

1 Cor. 7:12-15 "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are set apart. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; Yahweh has called us to live in peace."

Any input or advice? I feel so deflated right now...

 

[HuntingMan]

There are a lot of mixed views in the church about whether a marriage is 'valid' before God or not if one party has entered into it deceptively.
My personal view is that it depends on what they were being deceptive about.
Given that AS believers we are instructed to marry and be yoked together only with other believers, Id think that if the man duped you into believing he was a christian only for the reason TO get you to marry him that there is a very good chance that God didnt see him as marrying you in any sincere way to begin with.

But. I wouldnt even need to rely on that because the man has cheated on you and declared his intent to divorce. While many catholics do not agree, the scriptures show that this is entirely enough to be freed from that covenant when it ends regardless of the original intent.

Concerning this other man, I have no comments about that because I really dont know enough of the details to make any discerment in the matter.
All I will say is that you ARE freed from you marriage since you are divorced.
The only real issue here that remains is whether sins were committed, obviously on your ex husbands part that is certainly the case, and if so to sincerely repent of those sins and get forgiveness for them and then put them in the past where they belong.

Now, as far as the CAtholic doctrine goes concerning annulments, based on what youve presented about your marriage I would tend to believe that if pursued that your church would most likely in the end grant you an annulment...its VERY clear that your ex husband had little intent of entering into the covenant with intregity, sincerity and honesty.

Id think that in either view you are no longer bound to that relationship.

Now, let me warn you that youve opened a can of worms here because there are a few members who love the opportunity to debate whether you are able to divorce or remarry post divorce. So be prepared for them to stop by here and attack you if you disagree.
Ill keep an eye on this thread as debate is NOT permitted here regarding remarriage, but some of these folks cant seem to find a way to obey the rules all the time so I'll report them if they start debating the issue with you.

God bless.
Be at peace sister. You cant control what the other person does and God isnt going to hold you accountable for things you did not do wrong.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I don't have time to go back and search through your post, but are you legally divorced yet? If not then you need to get that sorted out first. If you were still married then your bf had reason to feel guilty. We need to obey God's law and the law of the land. If you weren't divorced, you were married.

I picked a real bad husband, but I can see where I messed up. Have you figured out why you picked the man you married? Why were you dating someone who wasn't going to church? Why did you stay once he started physically abusing you? It doesn't seem like you're in a good place to be in a relationship until you figure out why you put up with such bad treatment.

 

[~Lynz~]

i feel like you and me have been married to the same man. unfortnalty i had a his baby 4 weeks ago and divorse is still a long way of being final.
i really feel for you.
please pm me and we can rant away if you would like. i would be more open on here but the whole world can read it.

all things happen in god timing and to his planing. i say give you self a chance to heal. i know exaclty what you mean meeting some one new who is just so perfect compared to your ex... well some times they aint that perefect either. my firts fiance let me after being enaged fro 3 wekk and i hads a 3 mont h old son to him and i met the man i married i thoughjt he wa wonderful i knew it was totally diffreent love and he left me 3 weeks before i was due the baby... and he was cheating on me and was emotionaly abbusive.

so really he was alot worse.

from my experacne i wan tto tell you to just let this bf go if he want to leave dont stop him. things wil work out. not alway the way you had first thought. and i hope you ex isnt living in the same house any more.