Divorce and remarry, return to ex wife or remain single forever

[JoshFL]

I got divorced.
I then met someone and am engaged.
Started reading scripture more heavily.
There is a lot of controversy.

Makes it sound like re marriage is adultery continuously.

Makes it sound like I should return to ex wife, even though I read verses that make it sound as if that isn’t a possibility.

Betrothal sounds like what engagement is today.
Makes me think I’m already re married in Gods eyes.

Deuteronomy 24 1-4 makes it sound as if you couldn’t return to ex wife.
Example: I’m engaged, makes me think as if at some level I’m married.
Or what if she got engaged and didn’t tell me and I find out years later (in the scenario we would be together)



I think to myself because it’s been driving me nuts, am I supposed to be single for the rest of my life.


I met up with my ex wife a few times (my current fiancé knows) to talk get closure etc
And two times we were about to re try our relationship (yes my current fiancé knows)
I am very open about it.

Every time I got close to re kindling with my ex I got pure anxirty
I worries what if I am not allowed to be with her and I find that out and we’re back together or got re married and then it’s real trouble because we just went through prior chaos
So because of that fear and other reasons I decided to not move forward.



The person I’m currently with is incredible,
Is caring wants the best for me encourages me etc


My mind is just in 3 places right now.
I’ve studied the scriptures.
I just feel like I didn’t and can’t get real clarity on this subject.
I’ve prayed numerous times and asked God to make it clear and it just leaves me sitting here wondering what does God want for my life.


All I want to do is honor him
If I am not putting him first then nothing in life matters.


I need true answers and backed up scripturally
Not just cherry picking.

There’s verses in the Old Testament based on certain things I’ve read aside from deutoronomy 24 1-4 and even in New Testament that make me feel that no matter what I do besides being single is wrong.

I do see a psychiatrist and psychologist.


I ask that before you respond to this you would pray and carefully consider your words and advice in general.

 

[BobRyan]

Did you have biblical grounds for divorce at the time? Does your wife have biblical grounds to be divorced from you now? If either of those are true there is a possibility you are actually divorced from God's POV.

If you have not physically committed to your new to-be-wife in any way that God would view as "being married" - you may still have the option of backing out of that.

If all you are doing with your ex-wife is fighting - the Bible does not say you must return to her. It could be in that case that neither of you can be married.

Even if you were married to a second wife you would not be required to get divorced from her. But you would be required to repent and turn to God with your whole heart - no matter the scenario you are in.

 

[Unqualified]

If your wife commits physical adultery then you would have biblical grounds to remarry, wait. But it sounds like you have too!? Oh what a tangled web we weave……….

 

[Carl Emerson]

Attached are Papers on the subject by Bill Heth that I found very helpful.

 

[chevyontheriver]

I got divorced.
I then met someone and am engaged.
Started reading scripture more heavily.
There is a lot of controversy.

God hates divorce. Jesus was close to absolute on the matter. His exception may have only actually applied to incest. Not the broad range of excuses many people want to apply now.

Deuteronomy 24 1-4 makes it sound as if you couldn’t return to ex wife.
Example: I’m engaged, makes me think as if at some level I’m married.
Or what if she got engaged and didn’t tell me and I find out years later (in the scenario we would be together)

Engagement is not marriage. It is a time to examine carefully whether to marry. OT betrothals and modern engagements are not exactly the same. So Dt 24: 1-4 does not apply because neither of you have actually remarried yet. You are free to break an engagement for a serious reason. And a previous marriage being healed is a serious reason.

I think to myself because it’s been driving me nuts, am I supposed to be single for the rest of my life.

Maybe. Or back with your original wife if you can solve your problems. Or, if that original marriage was doomed from day zero perhaps it was never valid. That is a complex determination.

Were I you I would examine with your original wife whether you ever had a good basis to marry in the first place. Get to the roots of why you were attracted to each other, what commitments you were capable of making on your wedding day, whether you both took it seriously, all of that. Try to answer the question of whether the marriage ever was real for even a day.

If the marriage was real, what went wrong? Can that be undone? Can it work now. Many couples have pulled it together after serious problems. I seriously recommend checking out Retrouvaille at Retrouvaille.org . Perhaps they can get you and your original wife some better perspective.

I met up with my ex wife a few times (my current fiancé knows) to talk get closure etc
And two times we were about to re try our relationship

Every time I got close to re kindling with my ex I got pure anxirty
I worries what if I am not allowed to be with her and I find that out and we’re back together or got re married and then it’s real trouble because we just went through prior chaos
So because of that fear and other reasons I decided to not move forward.

Was the divorce due to immaturity? Was the marriage doomed to failure in the first place due to immaturity or other issues? Are you both mature now? Would coming back to your marriage work well now? You gave your word you would stay married on your wedding day. Can you, knowing what you know now, repeat that and then make it work? If not, being single may be better. Fear about re-tangling yourself in a problem marriage may be a good thing. Fear of violating Dt 24 is misplaced. The question is, did we both comprehend what we were doing when we vowed to be married? Can we get back to that with eyes wider open now?

My mind is just in 3 places right now.
I’ve studied the scriptures.
I just feel like I didn’t and can’t get real clarity on this subject.
I’ve prayed numerous times and asked God to make it clear and it just leaves me sitting here wondering what does God want for my life.

Without such clarity you should go very very slowly. Wait upon the Lord.

All I want to do is honor him
If I am not putting him first then nothing in life matters.

Yup. Nothing else matters.

 

[anetazo]

No one is judging you or criticizing you. I believe it's best to stay single my friend.
First Timothy chapter 4. .some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits and doctrine of devil's.
I don't know about the women. If they study sound doctrine or false doctrine.
I don't have all the facts.
Satan as antichrist will come 6th trump. You don't want someone in the foxhole with you, that would compromise your values and beliefs.
Ephesians chapter 6. .Christian people need gospel armour. It's knowledge and wisdom of God's word. The spirtual war is, words, ideas and concepts.
Many people will be deceived by antichrist near future.
I would be careful who you allow in foxhole with you.
Ephesians chapter 6 is the key to success.
I wish you all the best.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

I got divorced.
I then met someone and am engaged.
Started reading scripture more heavily.
There is a lot of controversy.

Makes it sound like re marriage is adultery continuously.

Makes it sound like I should return to ex wife, even though I read verses that make it sound as if that isn’t a possibility.

Betrothal sounds like what engagement is today.
Makes me think I’m already re married in Gods eyes.

Deuteronomy 24 1-4 makes it sound as if you couldn’t return to ex wife.
Example: I’m engaged, makes me think as if at some level I’m married.
Or what if she got engaged and didn’t tell me and I find out years later (in the scenario we would be together)



I think to myself because it’s been driving me nuts, am I supposed to be single for the rest of my life.


I met up with my ex wife a few times (my current fiancé knows) to talk get closure etc
And two times we were about to re try our relationship (yes my current fiancé knows)
I am very open about it.

Every time I got close to re kindling with my ex I got pure anxirty
I worries what if I am not allowed to be with her and I find that out and we’re back together or got re married and then it’s real trouble because we just went through prior chaos
So because of that fear and other reasons I decided to not move forward.



The person I’m currently with is incredible,
Is caring wants the best for me encourages me etc


My mind is just in 3 places right now.
I’ve studied the scriptures.
I just feel like I didn’t and can’t get real clarity on this subject.
I’ve prayed numerous times and asked God to make it clear and it just leaves me sitting here wondering what does God want for my life.


All I want to do is honor him
If I am not putting him first then nothing in life matters.


I need true answers and backed up scripturally
Not just cherry picking.

There’s verses in the Old Testament based on certain things I’ve read aside from deutoronomy 24 1-4 and even in New Testament that make me feel that no matter what I do besides being single is wrong.

I do see a psychiatrist and psychologist.


I ask that before you respond to this you would pray and carefully consider your words and advice in general.

I want to start by saying it is good that you want to obey Jesus, and He knows you are trying to do what is right.

The following now is my own opinion based on scripture and experience;

I have been married and am going through divorce. I also have met someone and don't know what to do either as our situation is complicated. So for me my ex told me straight forward that she wants to be with another man. my reason for divorce is adultery. I know that there may be many reasons for divorce but the only reason Jesus gives for divorce is adultery. (i know that is hard to hear and i apologize i am not trying to make things difficult just saying what i know based on scripture and trust me i understand the frustration that this can cause as i'm sure if you could as much as if i could ask Jesus for the right thing to do we both would do that).

My question is; why did you divorce your ex? And also is the woman you want to be with divorced as well? If so; why did she divorce? It can get complicated with all of this especially trying to honor Jesus.

My own personal life, i have decided to be single for the rest of my life most likely unless things change but i, like you, very much struggle with making sure i'm making the right decision.

You wanted us to pray before responding, and i did, please pray before making the decision to remarry. Really consider it, this is a life long decision. Maybe ask your fiance for more time to pray and consider, and be considerate how you say this as it may be a lot for her. I want only the best for you brother, and you are fighting the good fight so good for you. Jesus is our friend in all situations and at all times, He walks with us throughout the adventure that is our life. May He give you peace and may you sense Jesus and His guardian angels

 

[Hannah66]

hi! I am a person that prays for marriage restoration even though my husband left me to remarry someone else.

I believe in the Covenant of marriage and don't hold on to Deutronomy about not being able to re marry someone you were once married to.

If you feel God's conviction about NOT remarrying this person you are engaged to, I would continue to ask for His Will - continue to pray about it.

God hates divorce and that is clear in scripture.
Remarrying someone who is NOT your wife is committing adultery.

My husband left me to commit adultery and remarry someone else. I chose to forgive him and I still love him and pray for restoration and reconciliation. Just because he committed adultery doesn't mean I can't love or remarry him. But he has to divorce this current person and repent = ask God for forgiveness

It appears to me that someone is praying for you, maybe it's your Wife - the wife of your covenant!

Every marriage goes through it's ups and downs, but leaving your covenant marriage and divorcing your wife is not God-honouring.

God doesn't want us to be happy, He longs for us to be Holy.

This person you are engaged to may give you a period of happiness and joy but that will soon expire.

Pray about it. Seek God and study His word.

Adulterous will not enter the KIngdom of God. I would fear God if I committed adultery by remarrying another person.
Only death separates the covenant.

1 Corinthians 6:9-20​

Good News For Everyone
https://goodnewsuk.com › bible-helps › 1-corinthians-...



Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male ...

New International Version
So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man. Romans 7:3

Also, remember God can restore and give you a new marriage with the wife of your covenant - and it will be better then before and better then any adulterous relationship.
God bless ..

 

[Sketcher]

Matthew 19:3-9, 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Those are your instructions.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Matthew 19:3-9, 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Those are your instructions.

i have a question: So in the case of sexual immorality, lets say the wife cheated on the husband, and the husband wanted to reconcile but the wife wanted to stay with this foreign man, so the husband divorces. Does he have a right to remarry?

 

[Noscentia]

i have a question: So in the case of sexual immorality, lets say the wife cheated on the husband, and the husband wanted to reconcile but the wife wanted to stay with this foreign man, so the husband divorces. Does he have a right to remarry?

One of the best resources I've come across that helped me understand the meaning of sexual immorality in this verse is Daniel Jenning's "Except for Fornication".

This PDF of the material is from his website

After studying this subject, I firmly believe that there is no divorce and remarriage. So long as the spouse is living, 'remarriage' is simply adultery.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

One of the best resources I've come across that helped me understand the meaning of sexual immorality in this verse is Daniel Jenning's "Except for Fornication".

This PDF of the material is from his website

After studying this subject, I firmly believe that there is no divorce and remarriage. So long as the spouse is living, 'remarriage' is simply adultery.

hmmmmm i will deeply consider this before thinking of remarrying. The example was my own. My wife left me for another man. i don't know what to do as i want to marry but at the same time maybe Jesus has called me to be single

 

[chevyontheriver]

One of the best resources I've come across that helped me understand the meaning of sexual immorality in this verse is Daniel Jenning's "Except for Fornication".

This PDF of the material is from his website

After studying this subject, I firmly believe that there is no divorce and remarriage. So long as the spouse is living, 'remarriage' is simply adultery.

I concur, at least that the 'exception' in Matthew does NOT mean that adultery excuses someone to marry again.

 

[Svt4Him]

G-d hates divorce! Well, unless G-d requires it! Like when G-d told His people to divorce and they were sad because some had children. Because this is a glaring contradiction, we immediately know our understanding isn't correct as the word of God is true. Jesus wasn't asked about divorce, He was asked about putting away, which is a different tradition.
To summarize a very long study that I'd gladly share as it is one that I found the best, the people of the marriage are more important to God than the institute of marriage.
First, the Pharisees asked if it was lawful for a man to put away his wife.
1) Jesus responded by asking them what Moses commanded.
2) They replied that Moses allowed them to write a “bill of divorce” and to “put away”.
3) But Jesus responded that it was a “precept” or command, and that the giving of it was because of their hardness of heart.
b. Observations:
1) If put away means the same as divorce or is used interchangeable, then God’s word is redundant and makes no sense.
2) Such thinking has the conversants saying: (vs 4): Moses suffered you to divorce your wives and to divorce them.
Below are versions that are consistent in NOT translating apoluo as divorce in Mat 5:32:

(ASV) but I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is PUT AWAY committeth adultery.

(Bible in Basic English) But I say to you that everyone who puts away his wife for any other cause but the loss of her virtue, makes her false to her husband; and whoever takes her as his wife after she is PUT AWAY, is no true husband to her.

(Darby) But I say unto you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, except for cause of fornication, makes her commit adultery, and whosoever marries one that is PUT AWAY commits adultery.

(DRB) But I say to you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, excepting the cause of fornication, maketh her to commit adultery: and he that shall marry her that is PUT AWAY, committeth adultery.

(KJ3 Literal Translation Bible) 32 But I say to you, Whoever puts away his wife, apart from a matter of fornication, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever shall marry the one put away commits adultery.

(LITV) But I say to you, Whoever puts away his wife, apart from a matter of fornication, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever shall marry the one PUT AWAY commits adultery.

(MKJV) But I say to you that whoever shall put away his wife, except for the cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever shall marry her who is PUT AWAY commits adultery.

(Worldwide English) But I tell you, no man may send away his wife unless she has committed adultery. If he does send her away, he is making her commit adultery. And if a man marries a woman who has been sent away from her husband, he commits adultery.

(World English Bible) But I tell you that whoever puts away his wife, except for the cause of sexual immorality, makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries her when she is put away commits adultery.

(Wuest) Whoever marries her who has been dismissed commits adultery.

(WYC) But I say to you, that every man that leaveth his wife [that every man that shall leave his wife], except (for) [the] cause of fornication, maketh her to do lechery, and he that weddeth the forsaken wife, doeth adultery.

(Youngs Literal Translation) But I—I say to you, that whoever may PUT AWAY his wife, save for the matter of whoredom, doth make her to commit adultery; and whoever may marry her who hath been PUT AWAY doth commit adultery.

There is no stronger evidence of a proper translation of a word than what is rendered by respected translators. The ASV is the most respected for accuracy and reliability. Also, a few of the other versions noted above are highly respected and quoted from often.

Total Health -- Divorce and Remarriage: The Clear and Simple Truth, Part One

 

[YorkieGal]

I have been divorced and remarried. I believe divorce is a sin (with adultery being the only exception and not sure this applies for women), so I am a sinner, even though I didn't know this at the time, so I have asked for forgiveness.

It's a classic case of mans law vs Gods law. Mans law says you can divorce due to 'irreconcilable differences' etc and remarry. God's law says differently.

God's law is above mans law, always, without exception.

Whether or not you have to remain unmarried, according to God's law, I really don't know. I suppose it depends on the reason for the divorce.

My understanding is that, unless you divorced due to adultery, you commit adultery by remarrying and cause the person you're marrying to commit adultery.

But I'm not a biblical scholar just someone, like you, trying to do my best.

I hope you find the answers you seek.

Maybe this will help: Divorce & Remarriage | Grace Community Church

 

[Svt4Him]

I have been divorced and remarried. I believe divorce is a sin (with adultery being the only exception and not sure this applies for women), so I am a sinner, even though I didn't know this at the time, so I have asked for forgiveness.

It's a classic case of mans law vs Gods law. Mans law says you can divorce due to 'irreconcilable differences' etc and remarry. God's law says differently.

God's law is above mans law, always, without exception.

Whether or not you have to remain unmarried, according to God's law, I really don't know. I suppose it depends on the reason for the divorce.

My understanding is that, unless you divorced due to adultery, you commit adultery by remarrying and cause the person you're marrying to commit adultery.

But I'm not a biblical scholar just someone, like you, trying to do my best.

I hope you find the answers you seek.

Maybe this will help: Divorce & Remarriage | Grace Community Church

I would just ask one question to perhaps show it may not be as black and white, if divorce is sin, and God can't sin, did God sin when He commanded His people to divorce?

Then Ezra the priest stood up and said to them, “You have been unfaithful; you have married foreign women, adding to Israel’s guilt. Now honor the Lord, the God of your ancestors, and do his will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign wives.”. . . .Let our officials act for the whole assembly. Then let everyone in our towns who has married a foreign woman come at a set time, along with the elders and judges of each town, until the fierce anger of our God in this matter is turned away from us.”

I would suggest, based on a quick reading of this, that God judged His people because they didn't 'divorce' their wives, or...maybe...there is more to it.

God cannot bless what He has cursed, so if God is blessing your current marriage, He cannot be cursing it.

 

[YorkieGal]

I would just ask one question to perhaps show it may not be as black and white, if divorce is sin, and God can't sin, did God sin when He commanded His people to divorce?

Then Ezra the priest stood up and said to them, “You have been unfaithful; you have married foreign women, adding to Israel’s guilt. Now honor the Lord, the God of your ancestors, and do his will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign wives.”. . . .Let our officials act for the whole assembly. Then let everyone in our towns who has married a foreign woman come at a set time, along with the elders and judges of each town, until the fierce anger of our God in this matter is turned away from us.”

I would suggest, based on a quick reading of this, that God judged His people because they didn't 'divorce' their wives, or...maybe...there is more to it.

God cannot bless what He has cursed, so if God is blessing your current marriage, He cannot be cursing it.

I'm not personally familiar with the above so can study it and come back to see if I have an understanding but, just from the text here, it would seem that the priest believed those who had married had gone against God. So, the only way to rectify it was to remove themselves from the union.

Did this priest know something about the marriages which made them sinful? Did he have the authority to speak out on them on behalf of God's law? I would have to look up all of these things to understand better.

Some things in the Bible are scenario specific, especially in the OT, so I can't give an answer without full context/knowledge.

Maybe someone else can come along and assist?

In the meantime, I don't believe God is against my current marriage but I do believe He would have been against the way I left my previous one as it wasn't due to adultery. I have grown as a person and as Christian in that time, asked for forgiveness and been married for over 20 years now.

 

[SoldierOfTheKing]

I got divorced.

Your use of the passive tense sounds like it was your ex-wife who divorced you. If that was the case, then unless she divorced you for adultery or abandonment, you as the innocent party, are free to remarry.

If the divorce wasn’t your choice, you weren’t the one who reneged on your marriage vows. Let her go; you are no longer bound to her. (1 Cor. 7:15)

 

[ZephBonkerer]

Attached are Papers on the subject by Bill Heth that I found very helpful.

These are good. I don't understand what makes some Christians think marriage is some kind of suicide pact in the event of abuse, neglect, etc. That kind of thing is an embarrassment to the Faith.

Some other thoughts on this thread:

You are not forever condemned to singlehood simply because you have a living former spouse. Either you are married or you are not, there is no middle ground. 1 Corinthians 7, verses 9 and 28 indicate that it is no sin to marry if you are unmarried for any reason, regardless of any prior marital status.

There is no biblical basis for the notion that you can be legally divorced yet "still married in God's eyes". That notion is from a false supposition that claims Jesus taught certain things He clearly did not teach.

I must admit I get a bit irritated when I hear "reconcile reconcile reconcile" from other believers in cases of failed or failing marriages without much thought given to whether pursuing reconciliation efforts would be appropriate. Real life isn't the Land of Rainbows and Unicorns.

The overall principle of this is that it is perfectly fine to use common sense and common decency in applying the Word of God. Denying the right of remarriage to someone who was divorced - especially through no fault of their own - is totally at odds with what we know about God's standards and character. It was the abuse of divorce and remarriage initiated on corrupt motives that Jesus had a problem with, not divorce and remarriage per se.

One man divorces Jessica just so he can be with Rachel. Another man divorces his sinful, drug addicted, witchcraft practicing, abusive wife after her third arrest for shoplifting, then meets Deanna a few years later. Does one need to have spent a single day in Sunday School to understand the moral difference here?