Divorce and remarriage, return to ex wife, or remain single forever

[JoshFL]

I got divorced.
I then met someone and am engaged.
Started reading scripture more heavily.
There is a lot of controversy.

Makes it sound like re marriage is adultery continuously.

Makes it sound like I should return to ex wife, even though I read verses that make it sound as if that isn’t a possibility.

Betrothal sounds like what engagement is today.
Makes me think I’m already re married in Gods eyes.

Deuteronomy 24 1-4 makes it sound as if you couldn’t return to ex wife.
Example: I’m engaged, makes me think as if at some level I’m married.
Or what if she got engaged and didn’t tell me and I find out years later (in the scenario we would be together)



I think to myself because it’s been driving me nuts, am I supposed to be single for the rest of my life.


I met up with my ex wife a few times (my current fiancé knows) to talk get closure etc
And two times we were about to re try our relationship (yes my current fiancé knows)
I am very open about it.

Every time I got close to re kindling with my ex I got pure anxirty
I worries what if I am not allowed to be with her and I find that out and we’re back together or got re married and then it’s real trouble because we just went through prior chaos
So because of that fear and other reasons I decided to not move forward.



The person I’m currently with is incredible,
Is caring wants the best for me encourages me etc


My mind is just in 3 places right now.
I’ve studied the scriptures.
I just feel like I didn’t and can’t get real clarity on this subject.
I’ve prayed numerous times and asked God to make it clear and it just leaves me sitting here wondering what does God want for my life.


All I want to do is honor him
If I am not putting him first then nothing in life matters.


I need true answers and backed up scripturally
Not just cherry picking.

There’s verses in the Old Testament based on certain things I’ve read aside from deutoronomy 24 1-4 and even in New Testament that make me feel that no matter what I do besides being single is wrong.

I do see a psychiatrist and psychologist.


I ask that before you respond to this you would pray and carefully consider your words and advice in general.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

If it helps:

Scenario I - A man is married to Jessica, who has been faithful to him for 10 years. At some point, he meets Rachel who is pretty and likes to wear cure little sundresses that show her legs. They take a liking to each other. Soon, he serves Jessica with divorce papers and rides off into the sunset with Rachel. They then live happily ever after, with no further thought given to Jessica, whom he so cruelly cast away.

Scenario II - A man has the misfortune of being married to a woman who could not care less about him. She lies, drinks too much, uses illegal recreational drugs, belittles him constantly, does all kinds of stuff to make him miserable. He puts up with this for 10 years. Then after her third arrest for shoplifting, he decides he's done. He serves divorce papers to her while she's in jail. Then he meets and marries Stephanie, a better woman five years later.

Which of these sounds like adultery to you?

 

[Strong in Him]

I got divorced.
I then met someone and am engaged.
Started reading scripture more heavily.
There is a lot of controversy.

Makes it sound like re marriage is adultery continuously.

Makes it sound like I should return to ex wife, even though I read verses that make it sound as if that isn’t a possibility.

Is returning to your ex wife an option?
Would she have you?
If you both got back together without addressing the reason why you spilt up, would it be any better?

Betrothal sounds like what engagement is today.
Makes me think I’m already re married in Gods eyes.

Deuteronomy 24 1-4 makes it sound as if you couldn’t return to ex wife.

Maybe in OT times they couldn't.
We are not in OT times.

Or what if she got engaged and didn’t tell me and I find out years later (in the scenario we would be together)

You are legally divorced; she doesn't have to tell you anything.

Every time I got close to re kindling with my ex I got pure anxirty

I would say that's your answer.
Being in a relationship with someone, never mind marrying them, should be about love, not duty or other people - and your loved one certainly shouldn't make you feel anxious.

I worries what if I am not allowed to be with her and I find that out and we’re back together or got re married and then it’s real trouble because we just went through prior chaos
So because of that fear and other reasons I decided to not move forward.

That sounds very wise.
It sounds like you may have found the answer to your dilemma.

The person I’m currently with is incredible,
Is caring wants the best for me encourages me etc

I was about to say; she sounds amazing.
She wants the best for you and was comfortable with you talking to your ex wife to get closure.

My mind is just in 3 places right now.
I’ve studied the scriptures.
I just feel like I didn’t and can’t get real clarity on this subject.

I admire your desire to honour God, read and live by his word. But things were different in Bible times and there probably isn't an answer to your exact situation.
For example, in Bible times, engagement was legally binding. Joseph wasn't married to Mary when he heard she was pregnant, but if he didn't want to be with her he would have still had to divorce her. Also, I've no idea why your marriage ended (and I don't need to know), but the Bible doesn't say anything about falling out of love with someone, debt, addiction etc. I'm not saying any of those things were true for you, but that's why some marriages end, and the Bible doesn't mention those things.
Also, in OT times, a man could divorce his wife just by leaving her a note, whereas today, divorce is far more complicated.

I need true answers and backed up scripturally
Not just cherry picking.

I don't know if that's possible.
Have you talked to a Minister or Pastor about this?

There’s verses in the Old Testament based on certain things I’ve read aside from deutoronomy 24 1-4 and even in New Testament that make me feel that no matter what I do besides being single is wrong.

Yes, but we don't live in OT, or even in NT, times.

You have said yourself that the person you are with is incredible, cares for you and brings out the best in you.
You are engaged, which means that you wanted, and decided, to ask her to marry you, and she agreed.
That sounds like a pretty good basis for a marriage.

All I really know is that God loves you very much.
He sees your heart and your desire to please him - and he is very capable of telling you if what you are doing is wrong.

I can't give advice because I'm not you and I don't know what is best. But it sounds like you have an amazing fiancée.

 

[mandi1]

Got a lot of wishy washy christians on here, but here is a pretty biblical take on the subject.

Post | website

www.grbcam.net

 

[anetazo]

First Corinthians chapter 7 . Theirs no sin for Christians to marry. Verse 11 it states Reconciled. God hates divorce.
Christian people can repent and move on. All sins are forgivable by repentance to God.
Matthew 5:32. But I say unto you, That who so ever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, cause her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.
Immoral behavior is commting adultery. Its serious sin.
Again, all sins are forgivable by repentance to God. If Christian messes up, and is sincere and repents. Heathen people are different story.
1 John chapter 3:6 and 3:7. Christian people sin, and repent.
Habitual sinners don't care and won't repent.
We see the distinction between Christian people and heathen people.
Duertonmomy chapter 24:1 24:4. It can be not being compadable. Give her bill of divorce. She can marry her first husband again.
Jeremiah 3:9 is the answer. Jesus was crucified and both husband and wife can remarry, if they Repent !. Jesus forgives sins.
I'm not judging anyone. I documented this. Jeremiah chapter 3:9 to document.

 

[mandi1]

First Corinthians chapter 7 . Theirs no sin for Christians to marry. Verse 11 it states Reconciled. God hates divorce.
Christian people can repent and move on. All sins are forgivable by repentance to God.
Matthew 5:32. But I say unto you, That who so ever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, cause her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.
Immoral behavior is commting adultery. Its serious sin.
Again, all sins are forgivable by repentance to God. If Christian messes up, and is sincere and repents. Heathen people are different story.
1 John chapter 3:6 and 3:7. Christian people sin, and repent.
Habitual sinners don't care and won't repent.
We see the distinction between Christian people and heathen people.
Duertonmomy chapter 24:1 24:4. It can be not being compadable. Give her bill of divorce. She can marry her first husband again.
Jeremiah 3:9 is the answer. Jesus was crucified and both husband and wife can remarry, if they Repent !. Jesus forgives sins.
I'm not judging anyone. I documented this. Jeremiah chapter 3:9 to document.

It also requires not repeating the sin.

 

[anetazo]

It also requires not repeating the sin.

I already documented 1 John chapter 3. The difference between Christian sinners and habitual sinners.
Habitual sinners will repeat it. They are reprobates.
The distinction between Christian sinners and habitual, which are reprobates.
I'm moving on to other threads.
Take care.

 

[Aaron112]

Makes it sound like re marriage is adultery

Only if the first spouse is still living. Or if the new one has a previous spouse still living.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

Got a lot of wishy washy christians on here, but here is a pretty biblical take on the subject.

Post | website

www.grbcam.net

Actually, this text is grossly unbiblical. It is typical nonsense stemming from the marriage permanence heresy. Like many who promote this heresy, the authors make wild claims that cannot be substantiated in Scripture.

False teachings that deny the Lord or make light of sin are easy to spot. But heresies that impose substantial burdens on people in the name of "holiness" or "carrying one's cross" or some other similar language take more practice to detect. The marriage permanence heresy is one of the most destructive and blasphemous heresies in our churches today. A heresy that persisted for 1,500 years in the church is still heresy.

The authors - in their vast wisdom - even called their teaching "Difficult But Biblical Truth" in a heading. It is not biblical and it is not truth. It is heresy - and can be proven as such fairly easily.

The Lord calls on us to honor our marital vows, and part of that means you don't just dump your spouse for some trivial cause. But if there is some compelling cause for divorce, then marriage is not a suicide pact. It is blasphemous and brain-dead to even suggest that Jesus taught that domestic violence, drug use, or attempted murder are not just causes for divorce.

 

[Aaron112]

Which of these sounds like adultery to you?

"sounds like"? as if it is emotional ?
Whoever marries another while their first spouse is alive causes her to commit adultery and is guilty himself. Period. The false idea of a non-permanent marriage is very cultlike and more dangerous and deadly than any rough marriage with many obstacles.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

"sounds like"? as if it is emotional ?
Whoever marries another while their first spouse is alive causes her to commit adultery and is guilty himself. Period. The false idea of a non-permanent marriage is very cultlike and more dangerous and deadly than any rough marriage with many obstacles.

So by that logic, Esther would be an adulteress if Vashti were still alive at the time she married King Xerxes. Are you sure this notion is biblical? And by that logic, adultery was lawful under the Law of Moses (Deut 24:1-4)

Aside from that, domestic violence, abuse, neglect, etc is not a "rough marriage with many obstacles". These are serious violations of the marriage covenant and they constitute just grounds for terminating the marriage.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

"sounds like"? as if it is emotional ?

To Aaron, can you or someone help me understand the statement "as if it is emotional?" Any topic concerning divorce is going to be emotional by its very nature - would you expect anything else?

You don't have to be a mind-numbed robot to be objective in a topic like this. You just need the mental discipline to have a clear view of the issues and to apply the Word of God taken as a whole, not simply a few verses stretched far from their context. If you take the Word of God as a whole, you will see that Jesus never condemned divorce and remarriage per se. Instead He condemned the egregious abuses of these things.

In my previous post, I laid out two scenarios where a man divorced his current wife and married someone else - but under very different circumstances. One man's actions were clearly tantamount to adultery. Divorcing your present spouse on some lame pretext just so you can run off with some OnlyFans girlie is cruel and dishonorable. Common sense holds that if you could just dump your spouse for any reason or no reason at all, then marriage as we know it might as well not exist.

The other man's actions came nowhere near adultery by any reasonable definition of the word. That man had every right to dump his wife who was violating the terms of the marital covenant in egregious ways - and to marry a woman who will treat him better. It would be morally indefensible to insist that he is somehow condemned to be alone for the rest of his life simply because his then-wife made a mockery of her marital vows. If you really think these are the teachings of Jesus, then with all due respect, I ask this: What do you take God for?

You see, remarriage after a duly enacted divorce is NOT adultery per se. To treat the actions of the two men as no different is morally outrageous, and it defies common sense and common decency to claim otherwise. To insist that God demands we place unjust and unreasonable constraints on divorcees is slanderous to God.

 

[Diamond7]

I think to myself because it’s been driving me nuts, am I supposed to be single for the rest of my life.

Are there kids involved in this? The Bible tells us to lean not on our own understanding. I would just pray and ask God to slam the door shut if this is not His plan and will for you.

This is all a lot more simple than you think. Paul says: 25Now about virgins, I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26Because of the presentc crisis, I think it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27Are you committed to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you free of commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28But if you do marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." (1Cor7)

Paul tells us that it is better to remain single because we will have troubles. In the situation with David and Bathsheba they lost a child. But their next child, Solomon took David's place as King. There were other issues with David's multiple marriages.

 

[Diamond7]

they constitute just grounds for terminating the marriage.

The discussion is not about divorce, the discussion is about remarriage.

 

[Richard T]

You are tackling a tough topic. IF you want a thorough biblical understanding of the scriptures and the meaning related to divorce I would suggst Amazon.com

 

[ZephBonkerer]

The discussion is not about divorce, the discussion is about remarriage.

Actually, the freedom to remarry after a valid divorce is implied throughout Scripture, including 1 Cor 7:28. There is no biblical precedent for saying a woman has to live like Miss Havisham for the rest of her life simply because she have a living former husband. That notion is based on a gross distortion of Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11 and some other scriptures.

Whether getting married again is particularly wise in a certain situation is another matter completely.

 

[Diamond7]

There is no biblical precedent for saying a woman has to live like Miss Havisham for the rest of her life simply because she have a living former husband.

This has more to do with our priesthood than being a saved believer.

Leviticus 21:13 The woman he marries must be a virgin.
Holiness Required of Priests

12 He must not leave or desecrate the sanctuary of his God, for the consecration of the anointing oil of his God is on him. I am the LORD. 13 The woman he marries must be a virgin. 14 He is not to marry a widow, a divorced woman, or one defiled by prostitution. He is to marry a virgin from his own people,

There are churches that do not allow a pastor to be divorced.

https://biblehub.com/leviticus/21-13.htm​

https://biblehub.com/leviticus/21-13.htm
https://biblehub.com/leviticus/21-13.htm
https://biblehub.com/leviticus/21-13.htm

 

[ZephBonkerer]

This has more to do with our priesthood than being a saved believer.

Leviticus 21:13 The woman he marries must be a virgin.
Holiness Required of Priests

12 He must not leave or desecrate the sanctuary of his God, for the consecration of the anointing oil of his God is on him. I am the LORD. 13 The woman he marries must be a virgin. 14 He is not to marry a widow, a divorced woman, or one defiled by prostitution. He is to marry a virgin from his own people,

There are churches that do not allow a pastor to be divorced.

View attachment 336856

Leviticus 21:13 - Holiness Required of Priests​

Leviticus 21:13 - Holiness Required of Priests
Leviticus 21:13 - Holiness Required of Priests
Leviticus 21:13 - Holiness Required of Priests

The complete chart can be found here:

Church/Denomination Divorce Policy Comparison Chart

This side-by-side comparison of more than 40 Christian denominations shows their official written policy on divorce. It indicates whether they condone divorce for — sexual immorality/adultery physical...

www.evernote.com

In the Mosaic Law, priests had some additional restrictions regarding who they could marry, as stated in Lev 21:12-14. But I see no biblical evidence those restrictions carry over to believers in general in this age. In fact, priests in those days could not even marry a widow, while most people today who hold to the Permanence view of marriage would say you could.

 

[Diamond7]

I see no biblical evidence those restrictions carry over to believers

Never did apply to believers. This applies to those who take their priesthood serious. Priests were expected to maintain a level of holiness and separation from certain worldly activities to fulfill their priestly functions (Leviticus 11:44-45). Peter talks about this.

1. 1 Peter 2:5 (NIV): "You also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ."

Peter describes believers as living stones, being built into a spiritual house and functioning as a holy priesthood. In this sense, every believer has a priestly role in offering spiritual sacrifices to God.

If we want to be used by God we have to be Holy, Sanctified and Set apart. Some people interpret Rev 3:16 when God says: "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.". They say this means they do not speak for God nor are they used by God.

Of course there seems to be confusion today when you have churches that are ordaining homosexuals to be bishops. I was attending a Episcopal church that separated when they began to do this. Now they call themselves: The Anglican Church in North America. They are separated and no longer a part of the Episcopal church.

 

[Diamond7]

In fact, priests in those days could not even marry a widow, while most people today who hold to the Permanence view of marriage would say you could.

Most Christian women would not marry a divorced man, unless they were divorced themselves. I know a lot of women who take Holiness & Sanctification serious. Sometimes they have long dresses and long hair as a public statement. Sometimes they keep it to themselves. Older women are to teach young women to be chaste. (Titus 2:3-5) My wife jokes about: untouched and unspoiled.

I am actually surprised at how many women do not remarry if their husband dies. They may have a boyfriend, but the ones I know tend to stay single. At least in the group we are a part of.