Divorce and adultery

[Observer]

Hi everyone

My name is Jen and I'm a 30 year old woman who is getting divorced.

I just read some of my old posts on this site dating back to 2005.

My relationship with my ex husband was never good. The warning signs were there from the start and Christians urged me not to marry him on here. But I married him.

Fast forward 8 years on the forums and the misery continued. Manipulation, verbal abuse, physical abuse, he wouldn't get a job for 5 years or do housework, no possibility of a normal future, said he'd rather die than have children, said and did so many twisted things. Often said he didn't love me, sex felt like nothing, all kinds of crazy things I didn't even remember until I read the old posts. I still stuck it out for another 3 years though. 12 years total, 8 years of marriage. Then I finally kicked him out for good after one particularly violent night where he punched me in the head, a year and a half ago.

I blamed it on myself sometimes, but being out of that situation for 1.5 years now and reading my old posts... I can see his behaviour was not my fault. I was no angel, nobody is, bit he was like that from the start and all on his own.

The point of my post now is that I am concerned and confused about adultery. I am Agnostic (always have been, for 15+ years of praying to God and asking Jesus into my heart, have not been baptised), my husband was/is Christian.

I have been with another man since I left my husband. Now Christian eyes may glaze over at this point because it's just another adulterous relationship, but he is everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. I have known him for 7 years and we have created a relationship that I didn't know was possible. No mind games. All peace. Understanding. Patience. Warmth. Equal effort. Respect. Boundaries. Passion. Parallel life goals. Connection. It's easy. It feels right. It makes sense. There's no struggle. He has his life together. Owns his own home. Independent. Respectful of women. He feels like I am the best thing that ever happened to him. We bring out the best in each other.

Sounds like your typical rebound but I had feelings for him which I did not act on for many, many years and it just feels... like 2 kindred spirits coming together and I did not have that in my previous marriage. I can see us being together for a very long time. We both want that to be for as long as possible. He has been so patient with my difficult transition out of my marriage.

So what I find difficult is that according to Christian beliefs and bible verses, I am an eternal adulteress because I left my ex husband when he had not been sexually unfaithful. But I couldn't stay in that kind of abuse and the marriage was just dead. There was no reason to fight for it for many years other than Christian guilt - "what about the vows?"

I am not sure what to do with this because I love my partner and see a real future with him. There is zero possibility of reconciliation with my ex (I wake up from nightmares that I am back with him which make me cry and shake) - he means nothing to me (other than a scary bad memory), I mean nothing to him. I don't hate him or anything but I am sure glad he's not in this country, I would be scared. He met a girl at work after we split, had unprotected sex as soon as he met her, she got pregnant (luckily I was very responsible with birth control!) and they both moved to the country she originally came from. So... yup... not possible, haha.

So my only option now apparently is lifelong celibacy, to be good with God. Which is a bit hard since my partner and I are already discussing future plans, children etc. My ex husband already had a child months ago and is still with his girlfriend as far as I know, but I was the one who first had a romantic and sexual relationship outside of the marriage, after we separated and he moved out. So does that mean he was released from the marriage and could remarry? But I have to remain alone?

Just not sure how to hear God in such a messy situation. But my partner makes me so incredibly happy and the world is a better place with him in it, for everyone that knows him. He is such a wonderful man. I am not willing to give up finally finding the love of my life, my future, the possibility to have children. But it seems Christianity thinks I should? I just don't want to have to give up on a relationship with God in order to be with the man I love.

This is a long post (as they always have been by the looks of it! ) But thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice.

 

[mozo41]

A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps.

nothing is outside the order of GOD

 

[Deegie]

So what I find difficult is that according to Christian beliefs and bible verses, I am an eternal adulteress because I left my ex husband when he had not been sexually unfaithful.

Not all Christians believe that or read the Bible that way. I don't know you or the details of your marriage (obviously), but I don't think you have to feel any guilt for either ending an abusive marriage or now finding a man who makes you happy.

 

[Dave G.]

You need to have a heart to heart conversation with the Lord and see how He ministers to you. But I suspect He isn't too fond of wife beating. You needed to be out of that situation for self preservation and I cn't speak for Bod but surely He would understand that.. The next part is where it gets complicated. Did your x have sex with this new woman before you took up with your friend/lover or after ?

 

[A_Thinker]

Hi everyone

My name is Jen and I'm a 30 year old woman who is getting divorced.

I just read some of my old posts on this site dating back to 2005.

My relationship with my ex husband was never good. The warning signs were there from the start and Christians urged me not to marry him on here. But I married him.

Fast forward 8 years on the forums and the misery continued. Manipulation, verbal abuse, physical abuse, he wouldn't get a job for 5 years or do housework, no possibility of a normal future, said he'd rather die than have children, said and did so many twisted things. Often said he didn't love me, sex felt like nothing, all kinds of crazy things I didn't even remember until I read the old posts. I still stuck it out for another 3 years though. 12 years total, 8 years of marriage. Then I finally kicked him out for good after one particularly violent night where he punched me in the head, a year and a half ago.

I blamed it on myself sometimes, but being out of that situation for 1.5 years now and reading my old posts... I can see his behaviour was not my fault. I was no angel, nobody is, bit he was like that from the start and all on his own.

The point of my post now is that I am concerned and confused about adultery. I am Agnostic (always have been, for 15+ years of praying to God and asking Jesus into my heart, have not been baptised), my husband was/is Christian.

I have been with another man since I left my husband. Now Christian eyes may glaze over at this point because it's just another adulterous relationship, but he is everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. I have known him for 7 years and we have created a relationship that I didn't know was possible. No mind games. All peace. Understanding. Patience. Warmth. Equal effort. Respect. Boundaries. Passion. Parallel life goals. Connection. It's easy. It feels right. It makes sense. There's no struggle. He has his life together. Owns his own home. Independent. Respectful of women. He feels like I am the best thing that ever happened to him. We bring out the best in each other.

Sounds like your typical rebound but I had feelings for him which I did not act on for many, many years and it just feels... like 2 kindred spirits coming together and I did not have that in my previous marriage. I can see us being together for a very long time. We both want that to be for as long as possible. He has been so patient with my difficult transition out of my marriage.

So what I find difficult is that according to Christian beliefs and bible verses, I am an eternal adulteress because I left my ex husband when he had not been sexually unfaithful. But I couldn't stay in that kind of abuse and the marriage was just dead. There was no reason to fight for it for many years other than Christian guilt - "what about the vows?"

I am not sure what to do with this because I love my partner and see a real future with him. There is zero possibility of reconciliation with my ex (I wake up from nightmares that I am back with him which make me cry and shake) - he means nothing to me (other than a scary bad memory), I mean nothing to him. I don't hate him or anything but I am sure glad he's not in this country, I would be scared. He met a girl at work after we split, had unprotected sex as soon as he met her, she got pregnant (luckily I was very responsible with birth control!) and they both moved to the country she originally came from. So... yup... not possible, haha.

So my only option now apparently is lifelong celibacy, to be good with God. Which is a bit hard since my partner and I are already discussing future plans, children etc. My ex husband already had a child months ago and is still with his girlfriend as far as I know, but I was the one who first had a romantic and sexual relationship outside of the marriage, after we separated and he moved out. So does that mean he was released from the marriage and could remarry? But I have to remain alone?

Just not sure how to hear God in such a messy situation. But my partner makes me so incredibly happy and the world is a better place with him in it, for everyone that knows him. He is such a wonderful man. I am not willing to give up finally finding the love of my life, my future, the possibility to have children. But it seems Christianity thinks I should? I just don't want to have to give up on a relationship with God in order to be with the man I love.

This is a long post (as they always have been by the looks of it! ) But thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice.

Hi Jen ...

Thank God you are out of a horrific relationship, ... and are finding peace and joy in a new relatioship.

In general, I do not believe that God would wish for you to remain in such a situation as you were.

This is the message of God throught the Apostle Paul, ...

Verse 22 describes the desire of God for our lives, ... the preceding verses (19-21) show us the characteristics of life lived according to ungodly desires ...

Galatians 5 ...

19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

Jesus said that "sexual immorality" can be a cause to break the marital bond.

Also, the Apostle Paul says that a christian is obliged to allow their non-christian spouse to leave the marriage, if they so desire.

The Bible says that "God hates divorce", ... and the more I see and experience the effects of divorce in our society, ... I understand why He would, especially where children are involved. But God also seems to understand that there may be reasons why the best course of action may be to leave the marital relationship in certain circumstances.

It could be argued that your ex-husband broke his marriage vows to you ... when he began to abuse you, if not before.

I believe that it would be God's will for you to go forward to enjoy your current relationship (hopefully affirmed by marriage).

Certainly a lot of christians would agree with me, ... as our divorce rate is about 50% right now.

BTW ... you don't sound Agnostic (though I can understand why you might think of yourself as one).

You sound much more christian than many "christians" I interact with. It sounds like God already lives in your heart, ... per your invitation ...

 

[Goatee]

Ask that God's Will, will be done. Ask God to guide you.

God loves you. Remember Jesus came to save sinners. God made us. He knows how we 'tick'.

I am sure God will guide you.

God bless you

(I am going through a divorce after 30 years of marriage etc).

 

[Sarah G]

God meets us where we are at; talk to God about all this.
My experience is that Lord Jesus Christ never let me go despite the decisions I made which went very much against the Bible. Quitting the relationship for a resentful, bitter life of celibacy doesn't seem like a very practical option.
I am an adulteress and that is between God and I.
I'm sure it is against the forum rules to encourage someone in doing anything which goes against Bible teachings and it is not my intention to do so. Nobody can give you their blessing, you really must take it to God. You could speak to the chaplain in private, maybe that would help.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I have been with another man since I left my husband. Now Christian eyes may glaze over at this point because it's just another adulterous relationship

Seeking clarification here: were you divorced when from your first husband when you got together with this man?
If so, majority of Christians wouldn't find anything adulterous here at all.
If you were still married to your first husband, all Christians would point out washing away such sins is what Christ's atonement is all about and urge you to come to Him.

I have known him for 7 years and we have created a relationship that I didn't know was possible. No mind games. All peace. Understanding. Patience. Warmth. Equal effort. Respect. Boundaries. Passion. Parallel life goals. Connection. It's easy. It feels right. It makes sense. There's no struggle. He has his life together. Owns his own home. Independent. Respectful of women. He feels like I am the best thing that ever happened to him. We bring out the best in each other.

Awesome! I am so happy for you!

So what I find difficult is that according to Christian beliefs and bible verses, I am an eternal adulteress because I left my ex husband when he had not been sexually unfaithful.

The Bible says no such thing actually. The Bible preaches repentance and being reborn free of our past sins.

But I couldn't stay in that kind of abuse and the marriage was just dead. There was no reason to fight for it for many years other than Christian guilt - "what about the vows?"

You shouldn't stay in a marriage with unrepentant adultery.

So my only option now apparently is lifelong celibacy, to be good with God.

That's not true at all!
Vast majority of Christians do indeed believe in re-marriage*. If you are in a good relationship with this man, say "I do" and celebrate your relationship with God.

* Even the few denominations that don't believe in "re-marriage" have procedures for annulment of the first marriage freeing people up to have a new marriage.

But I have to remain alone?

No!

 

[Observer]

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, my ex husband and I were still legally married but separated when I started a relationship with my current partner. My ex said he wanted a divorce (again) and I agreed. Then I said he had to move out because a woman you're divorcing can't financially support you. He changed his mind and said he didn't really intend to divorce me, but my mind was finally made up. I had begged God for years to make me stop caring about this shell of a marriage and just let go and all of a sudden, I let go. I confided in my male friend that I had separated and we told each other how we had feelings for each other after years of not talking about it or acting on it, I didn't even know he felt the same way. My ex husband continued to want me back and lived with my family while telling ne he was living in a sharehouse and making it on his own. Then they also kicked him out due to laziness and disrespect. He burned so many bridges. Gid gave him endless opportunities which seemed more than the average person was given and he burned them all and still viewed hinself as hard done by.

So I am the one who had sex with someone else first. He was forced to get a job when I kicked him out and he met a woman there and had sex upon just meeting her, without knowing her at all, and she got pregnant straight away. But I had sex before he did, which from what I've read, releases him from marriage and would have allowed him to freely remarry. But we are both adulterers either way. And we were before we got married, with each other plus I had 1 otger boyfriend before him and he had many sex partners before me. So it seems adultery is unavoidable at this point. I want to be with my partner forever but calling myself a "wife" again seems very off putting. I am really afraid of marriage now and getting remarried doesn't cleanse the adultery. I have read so many websites of bible discussion saying my only correct option is celibacy but I really can't help that I was a stupid 16 year old that got engaged to someone who most likely has a personality disorder. There was just no fixing it. I think God understands but I also feel disgusted that it all happened, that I was ever married to him, that I had sex with him. It really disgusts me and shakes me up to think about it, but that's considered the only appropriate and sacred time I had sex, but it was terrible and it feels more sacred with my partner which I know is wrong by biblical standards.
I guess it feels like adultery is some kind of unforgivable sin unless you stop (and be celibate for life). Yet other sins seem more easily overlooked in the church, like being violent with your wife.
I guess I'm afraid of going to hell, afraid of never fully grasping and believing in a God and afterlife that may be real.
It's hard to follow a religion that has hurt you. My partner acts like more of a Christian that any man I know that calls themself one, including my ex. It makes me sad that I appear to have used up my one-per-lifetime marriage allowance on the wrong person and that I now can't picture him being my husband even though it feels like he's the only one who would actually be a good lifelong husband. I'd feel so stupid walking down the aisle again.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I have read so many websites of bible discussion saying my only correct option is celibacy

No it's not!

Christ is there for you! Repent, be washed of your sins, divorce the old husband, and (if you wish and when the time is right) marry a man will be a righteous husband to you!

 

[RedPonyDriver]

He broke the marriage covenant when he laid his hands on you..."husbands LOVE your wives..." not have a temper tantrum and strike out like a petulant child. Enjoy your new man and I hope you find the happiness you desere.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I tend to find most people that are for divorce and marrying someone else have been divorced before. So obviously they will be for such things. And I don't mean that in an offensive way. I'm just saying when we are stuck in certain situations, we may change our views to fit how we feel so we feel better. For example when I had a very bad inappropriate content addiction I decided inappropriate content wasn't really a sin per say, I made up reasons and twisted bible verses to fit me so inappropriate content was almost acceptable to look at.

Also when a person is divorced they feel the urge to love again, so of course they may change their minds on something because they don't think its fair they are stuck single forever. Which brings up something important. And not easy to stomach. Did God create us so we can marry? Is our happiness based on being married/with someone? Nope. Not trying to say marriage is useless, but its not important in the end. If we are upset about being single after a divorce, then it means we are not focused on God. We all suffer in various ways. For some becoming disabled after living a very active life makes them suffer. For some losing their good paying dream job and being stuck working at a low paying job forever makes them suffer. Likewise being stuck single after a divorce means suffering too. Am I saying its fair? No of course not. I'd probably be annoyed by it too. But its Gods rules.

With that said we are free to do whatever we want. We answer for it in the end. I mean its not like our salvation is on the line really. But thats another topic. If I became divorced I'd stay single. Better safe then sorry. I don't want to die and Gods like "You lived in adultery for 40 years since you married another person after your divorce!".

 

[Observer]

I understand what you mean, but I threw away 12 years from sixteen to 28 with my abusive ex and luving in celibacy for the rest of my life would be giving my ex power to dictate the rest of my life and continue to make me suffer. I agreed to get engaged when I was not an adult and I was isolated and never left my house at the tine due to agoraphobia so my ex was the main person I had contact with.

I understand people's views on adultery who say it's just a rule that shouldn't be broken, but what if you had to leave your ex due to abuse/drug use/alcoholism/refusal to work like I did. I mean it's not like I just got bored and tempted and left him.

What about people of other denominations who get married when they were too young due to family/church influences and manipulation, or end up marrying someone who was gay because the church was trying to force them to be straight. I find it hard to believe God would ban these people from remarrying and being able to have children, love, sex and things they feel called to be like being a wife/husband or a mother/father. And people could argue that their marriages could be viewed as void in those cases and annulment takes place as if it never happened. But people say the same thing about abusive husbands as well, then some say the opposite. The bible talks about sexual immorality and adultery being the only permissible reasons to divorce and remarry. But if your spouse is hitting you and abusing you in many ways, people say well it's bad but no reason to divorce. I mean I never gave permission for my husband to be abusive and I wouldn't have married him if I knew he was going to break his vows and have a negative impact on my life. He did not act like a husband at all. He didn't even act like a friend. He is also the one who initiated breaking up, on 2 occasions, the last one being the final one.

Then there's the issue of him getting a stranger pregnant and then starting a relationship with her and having a child. If I agree that I am the reason the marriage ended and I am committing a sin as horrible as any other by being with a man that doesn't abuse me, I basically have to agree that I forced my ex husband to have unprotected sex with people he barely knew because I followed through with our mutual plan of breaking up, after he changed his mind because he realised he couldn't live without my income because he was broke and jobless. I was a resource to him that he realised he didn't want to live without but he did NOT love me at all. It makes more sense to me that if we both had sex outside the marriage, we are both released from it. I don't think it should be a matter of "but they did it first!!!". I waited to do anything like that with my partner until we were committed to spending a life together but my ex just slept around. But apparently it makes no difference in Christianity. He is in a relationship with her now as far as I know bit he would of felt like there was no choice. Because if he didn't go with her then the next 18 years of his life without his child would be another big screw up and he wouldn't want to think of himself as a bad person. I'm certainly not responsible for his choices so why should I sacrifice the rest of my life for him? Tthats how I feel. Because nothing is forcing me to be single like someone is forced to be disabled or jobless or any other unwilling suffering. Leaving my partner and never having children is like me choosing to be a martyr and choosing to let my ex restrict my freedom for the rest of my life.

Also my partner. He loves me just as much as I love him and he supported me thrpugh all of this. To say, oh sorry, Im not being with you because Christianity says pur relationship is invalid and sinful/evil but thank you for rescuing me and opening up your heart for the first time in 10 years and for helping me emotionally and physically and financially... yep thanks for that, you played a good part but now it's time for me to be a better person and a martyr and leave you. It just seems ridiculous and it hurts more than just me.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I understand what you mean, but I threw away 12 years from sixteen to 28 with my abusive ex and luving in celibacy for the rest of my life would be giving my ex power to dictate the rest of my life and continue to make me suffer.

No one here is saying you need to be celibate for the rest of your life.

We're saying divorce the abuser, and you can marry someone else.

 

[Observer]

No one here is saying you need to be celibate for the rest of your life.

We're saying divorce the abuser, and you can marry someone else.

Hi Jane, sorry, I wasn't sure how to reply directly to people. Was replying to the person above.

Thank you for your advice. It's just so hard to know what's right when there are 2 sides - 1 group of people says remain single for life and the other side says be happy. And the bible has no direct advice for my situation.

It makes me think... I had sex with 1 boy before marriage, my husband gad sex with many women before me. So we were adulterers before marriage. Seems there is no escaping it. Either repent and be a martyr or be happy and have love/romance/sex/children etc.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Hi Jane, sorry, I wasn't sure how to reply directly to people. Was replying to the person above.

Thank you for your advice. It's just so hard to know what's right when there are 2 sides - 1 group of people says remain single for life and the other side says be happy. And the bible has no direct advice for my situation.

Who's telling you to remain celibate for the rest of your life?

The only Christian denomination I know that has issues with re-marraige is Catholic, and even then they have procedures to annul the first marriage and permit you to marry again. I'm no expert in cannon law, but I'm pretty sure extensive abuse would indeed qualify.

Seems there is no escaping it. Either repent and be a martyr or be happy and have love/romance/sex/children etc.

Option 3: divorce abuser, repent of adultery, and (when possible/desired) remarry. Then as a married woman enjoy married life, including children and sexual relations with your husband.

Repenting does NOT mean being forever celibate.

 

[A_Thinker]

No one here is saying you need to be celibate for the rest of your life.

We're saying divorce the abuser, and you can marry someone else.

Well ... SOME are saying that (myself included), ... but others are saying "be celibate for the rest of your life".

This has been a point of disagreement within Christianity for some time.

The Catholic church would, likely, annul your marriage (if you were Catholic) ... because probably neither of you were ready to be married at the time that you married. They would likely say that a man who would abuse you ... wasn't right for marriage from the start.

But there are some christian diehards who don't see the things you described as characterizing your first marriage, including physical abuse, as reasons for which you might divorce and marry your current beau.

As for myself, though I am not divorced, ... my wife was divorced before we got together. In her case, her former husand messed around on her ... and eventually left her and their kids. My wife and I feel that the Lord purposefully brought us together (we experienced multiple chance encounters which provided us the opportunity to get to know one another) ... and our marriage has proven to be quite successful.

 

[Observer]

My divorce was approved a month ago by the way. So I was with my current partner before legal divorce and my ex husband had sex and sge gave birth to the child before we were legally divorced

 

[Observer]

Well ... SOME are saying that (myself included), ... but others are saying "be celibate for the rest of your life".

This has been a point of disagreement within Christianity for some time.

The Catholic church would, likely, annul your marriage (if you were Catholic) ... because probably neither of you were ready to be married at the time that you married. They would likely say that a man who would abuse you ... wasn't right for marriage from the start.

But there are some christian diehards who don't see the things you described as characterizing your first marriage, including physical abuse, as reasons for which you might divorce and marry your current beau.

As for myself, though I am not divorced, ... my wife was divorced before we got together. In her case, her former husand messed around on her ... and eventually left her and their kids. My wife and I feel that the Lord purposefully brought us together (we experienced multiple chance encounters which provided us the opportunity to get to know one another) ... and our marriage has proven to be quite successful.

I'm glad you found each other. I guess in that case, his cheating released her from the marriage according to the bible. It'd be easier if my ex cheated. He did everything except that. Well he had a baby with someone while we were still married but I'm technically the one who ended it because he changed his mind and wanted to be back together and I said no. He said he'd leave me if I was to get pregnant but he wouldn't have had the ability to be his usual nasty self with her because it was too soon and this baby situation was his only new direction in life and being with her and having connection to her family in another country provides him additional potential resources he lost. He did all this after I had sex outside the marriage after we separated and he'd moved out. But it only confirmed that I made the right choice. Even after I said I intend to have a relationship with my current partner, he was still hoping to get me back and saying I'm the only one he will love. Then he suddenly has unprotected sex and skips country and wouldn't even reply to my emails most of the time, he said he needed to divorce before his baby was born but then wouldn't speak to me or sign the papers. Then he finally did after baby was born. Treated me in emails like I was an ex business associate. It made me realise he will never ever change. Still gives himself away to anybody if there's a decent offer with resources (he has never lived on his own 2 feet), and still inconsiderate and lazy.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Wait-- @Observer is agnostic and not even baptized. Then even in the Catholic Church would view her currently free to marry as-is because in RCC's eyes she never had a valid Christian marriage in the first place.

(Obviously I'm not Catholic and totally not an expert on Cannon Law, so if any here knows better please correct me here).