Discussion Ended Closed Post

[DW1989]

Do you know what this sounds like to me? It really sounds as if your FIL is turning your husband against his own mother (and your husband is responding by feeling sorry for your FIL---but not feeling badly about neglecting YOU and your daughter. That is a very good manipulator right there (if I'm reading/picking up on what you're writing correctly). That's classic narcissistic behavior (and since narcissism is on a scale, one doesn't have to be a serial killer to be a narcissist). Why doesn't anyone sympathize with your MIL---is she really that horrible of a person (have you tried to get to know her w/o all that's been said about her coloring your perception)? When you mentioned earlier about your FIL speaking about his marriage....that's something that manipulators do---they call it "smear campaigns". Look at the reviews of this book (a lot already sounds like how you've described your FIL): http://www.amazon.com/Living-Passiv...keywords=living+with+a+passive+aggressive+man

What's worse is......since your husband is so close to him, he's probably picking up on a lot of this attitude and way of thinking.

Another thing---and this is just my opinion---but I was VERY choosy about who watched our daughter when she was young. Anyone that demonstrated that they didn't respect our decisions and choices for her was immediately scratched off the list of possible sitters. I had food allergies myself up until I was about 5 years old---so I was very careful about how and what our daughter was given those first two years.

I totally agree. I sympathize with his mother for how her husband is. I feel that they counter act with each other. What I mean is because his mother chooses not to do things with her husband he acts disrespectful towards her and because he acts disrespectful towards her she chooses not to do anything with him. It seems to me like a never ending battle. I personally think my husband shouldn't let his dad talk about his mother to him, instead turning it around for him to discuss it with his own wife. Its a battle his father enjoys (not like actually enjoys but has someone to listen and confine too) having someone to talk to about. My husband is hurt by this and I think that he thinks by helping his dad fill this void maybe be less of a fight? I really don't know, all I know my husband needs to stay away from their battle. I only let them watch my daughter if their is no other choice. Example, in PA where I live we got 30 inches record snow fall and my husband and I have a landscape business and we have a contract to remove snow in developments. We had very few people to help and I was needed. No one was available to watch our daughter in such short notice so they were our best option. They did fine, though I was glad to get her when we were finished. My mother who adores watching our daughter, so she is usually the person we take her too if needed and if available. Other then that, we dont usually have anyone watch our daughter, maybe 1 time a month or less.

 

[mkgal1]

You really have good insight. The unhealthy "dance" you describe that you see your in-laws have is a really good possibility of what's *really* going on between them. I also think you're right that your husband shouldn't be a sounding board for his father's gripes against his mother (and that he should suggest FIL discuss that with his wife--not him).

 

[mkgal1]

A thought just occurred to me (just an armchair psychologist hypothesis): I wonder if, by your FIL complaining to your husband about his wife/your husband's mom about her not participating in activities with him, if your husband has sort of absorbed that if he weren't to participate with his father in what his father wishes him to/at the frequency he wishes, that he (FIL) will be disappointed and disrespectful to him in the same way he (FIL) is towards his wife/husband's mother? Do you know what I mean? It's as if it sends a very subtle message, without having to speak it directly: "I could be displeased with you in the same way.....if you don't do as I wish".

 

[DW1989]

A thought just occurred to me (just an armchair psychologist hypothesis): I wonder if, by your FIL complaining to your husband about his wife/your husband's mom about her not participating in activities with him, if your husband has sort of absorbed that if he weren't to participate with his father in what his father wishes him to/at the frequency he wishes, that he (FIL) will be disappointed and disrespectful to him in the same way he (FIL) is towards his wife/husband's mother? Do you know what I mean? It's as if it sends a very subtle message, without having to speak it directly: "I could be displeased with you in the same way.....if you don't do as I wish".

YESSSS. His dad gets oddly "jealous" if my husband and I's relationship. So if my husband and I chooses to go do things for the day, he acts as if his son should of done something with him. Its on occasions that he acts like this, how he is by himself, I have no idea if he walks around and mumbles to himself. it might not bother him at all. But it has happen my husband told me his dad acts differently towards him when me and him do things together. His dad has also been disappointed in the past if my husband invites me along on their outings. Atleast that is our feeling that we get.

 

[mkgal1]

I imagine it's a tough thing to break out of---when you've been raised in an environment like that. I hope your husband is able to see how his father is controlling him with unfair and *unhealthy* expectations.

There's a mentality that I've been reading about the last few days, so it's fresh on my mind: it's called a "scarcity mentality". People that work from this perspective see things like love as being a scarce commodity that they have to fight and compete for. That sounds like how you've described your FIL.

One of my favorite books is by Dr. Henry Cloud (9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life) and, in that book, he explains "hating well" (hating things like injustice, discord, gossip...etc) and "upsetting the right people" (willing to lose approval of others in order to do the 'right' thing). He also writes about the difference between 'hurt' and 'harm'. I linked a few relevant pages (I'm not sure if the link works for you to see the quotes or not). It's such a good book! I wonder if your husband would read it? Not to suggest that you get manipulative yourself.....but I wonder if you could approach it as a book that would be good for BOTH of you to read together?

 

[DW1989]

I imagine it's a tough thing to break out of---when you've been raised in an environment like that. I hope your husband is able to see how his father is controlling him with unfair and *unhealthy* expectations.

One of my favorite books is by Dr. Henry Cloud (9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life) and, in that book, he explains "hating well" and "upsetting the right people". I linked a few relevant pages (I'm not sure if the link works for you to see the quotes or not). It's such a good book! I wonder if your husband would read it? Not to suggest that you get manipulate yourself.....but I wonder if you could approach it as a book that would be good for BOTH of you to read together?

I appreciate the suggestion. Yeah its a little different to have such unrealistic expectations from your own adult parent. But I'm very thankful my husband is not that way. He's very kind and generous and he just wants to help. I really just wanted to know if it was unrealistic of me to feel so left out and if I was over reacting on such a odd situation... I'm very thankful for everything our Father has given to us and I assume the challenges that are in our life are just to try to push us on the wrong path and for us to figure out how to get back on the right path. Thank you again for your conversation.

 

[DW1989]

I was trying to reply sorry if my above statement is confusing

 

[mkgal1]

You're welcome. You aren't being unrealistic at all---and it's difficult to discern when it's a parent that's sort of be given too much loyalty over a spouse.

I wanted to share one more quote from that book (he uses the term "deju vu people" to describe the common characteristics he's noticed--as a clinical psychologist--that in relationally healthy people have): "Deja Vu people do not make decisions based on the fear of other people's reactions". That's something important for us all to keep in mind. It was something I sure had to learn.

 

[mkgal1]

I was trying to reply sorry if my above statement is confusing

It wasn't confusing I knew what words were yours and what were mine---no worries.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; good to see you on the forums.

While it seems that your dh has a lot of contact with his parents, just imagine the situation if your mother lived next door to you guys, and/or she was on the 'phone to you frequently, every day. What would your response be? On the one hand, your husband might 'object' in terms similar to your objections, on the other hand you yourself might be more defensive about the time taken talking to your mother, than you are now about your husband talking to his parents.

Every family is different, and for you guys — irrespective of this particular matter — time spent in the Word of God together and in prayer is even more important than the frustrations that you may feel now about this particular matter.

 

[DW1989]

Hi; good to see you on the forums.

While it seems that your dh has a lot of contact with his parents, just imagine the situation if your mother lived next door to you guys, and/or she was on the 'phone to you frequently, every day. What would your response be? On the one hand, your husband might 'object' in terms similar to your objections, on the other hand you yourself might be more defensive about the time taken talking to your mother, than you are now about your husband talking to his parents.

Every family is different, and for you guys — irrespective of this particular matter — time spent in the Word of God together and in prayer is even more important than the frustrations that you may feel now about this particular matter.

Yes, I've given the perspective to my husband. But he knows me too well. Though this might sound very strang, I absolutely love my mother with all my heart, I don't want to be with her every day nor talk to her 20 times a day.(I know your hypothetically speaking too). I enjoy my space

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

One of my favorite books is by Dr. Henry Cloud (9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life) and, in that book, he explains "hating well" (hating things like injustice, discord, gossip...etc) and "upsetting the right people" (willing to lose approval of others in order to do the 'right' thing). He also writes about the difference between 'hurt' and 'harm'. I linked a few relevant pages (I'm not sure if the link works for you to see the quotes or not).

So funny, all your posts (other threads as well) scream Dr Henry's books, which is why I mentioned him earlier. My sister reads all his stuff, and advises and thinks like you.. Sounds like good help for DW1989.

 

[DW1989]

Yes, I've given the perspective to my husband. But he knows me too well. Though this might sound very strang, I absolutely love my mother with all my heart, I don't want to be with her every day nor talk to her 20 times a day.(I know your hypothetically speaking too). I enjoy my space

So funny, all your posts (other threads as well) scream Dr Henry's books, which is why I mentioned him earlier. My sister reads all his stuff, and advises and thinks like you.. Sounds like good help for DW1989.

I'm glad to know my thoughts are not completely out of place. I should start reading some books, including the ones you suggested. Though this may sound weird, I haven't read a book since high school and even then it was hard for me to sit and read. Its like I read and it doesn't grasp into my head. Going into one eye and out the other, haha. But I should start reading more. I usually read my bible some nights, other then that its hard for me to sit long enough to read.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I'm glad to know my thoughts are not completely out of place. I should start reading some books, including the ones you suggested. Though this may sound weird, I haven't read a book since high school and even then it was hard for me to sit and read. Its like I read and it doesn't grasp into my head. Going into one eye and out the other, haha. But I should start reading more. I usually read my bible some nights, other then that its hard for me to sit long enough to read.

Hi again; I don't necessarily deny the value of family therapy books, etc., but if you are far more accustomed to reading your Bible, then this is a wonderful start.

Regarding the complexities of family life, there is a lot in the Bible about them; but also the fact that the vertical (i.e., Godward,) rather than the horizontal relationship comes first is so important.

I think Job is also a wonderfully searching book: all about sanctified patience, patience, patience: a far more healthy, faith-driven attitude that that of advisors who advocate human-rights-driven, knee-jerk hostility to one's spouse.

 

[DW1989]

Hi again; I don't necessarily deny the value of family therapy books, etc., but if you are far more accustomed to reading your Bible, then this is a wonderful start.

Regarding the complexities of family life, there is a lot in the Bible about them; but also the fact that the vertical (i.e., Godward,) rather than the horizontal relationship comes first is so important.

I think Job is also a wonderfully searching book: all about sanctified patience, patience, patience: a far more healthy, faith-driven attitude that that of advisors who advocate human-rights-driven, knee-jerk hostility to one's spouse.

Thank you for the suggestion too. Its also nice to see other's opinions on certain situations. I've never been on any kind of forum, so this my first. I had a facebook 6-7 years ago, deleted. Return this past year to exchange infant clothes that my mother suggested a group. But after a few months of being of facebook, I remembered why I left it in the beginning. & nothing personally to anyone thats on the sort of social media, its just not for me. I like that people are able to give the opinion in a positive manner. Though I am a new member seems like responses are polite and good- minded. Thanks again.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Thank you for the suggestion too. Its also nice to see other's opinions on certain situations. I've never been on any kind of forum, so this my first. I had a facebook 6-7 years ago, deleted. Return this past year to exchange infant clothes that my mother suggested a group. But after a few months of being of facebook, I remembered why I left it in the beginning. & nothing personally to anyone thats on the sort of social media, its just not for me. I like that people are able to give the opinion in a positive manner. Though I am a new member seems like responses are polite and good- minded. Thanks again.

YW, and you'll find all sorts of other threads on here also; some of them with lively discussion!

As regards mine (some already posted to your profile) I try not to be too annoying.

God bless your family.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I'm glad to know my thoughts are not completely out of place. I should start reading some books, including the ones you suggested. Though this may sound weird, I haven't read a book since high school and even then it was hard for me to sit and read. Its like I read and it doesn't grasp into my head. Going into one eye and out the other, haha. But I should start reading more. I usually read my bible some nights, other then that its hard for me to sit long enough to read.

The bible is the best book to read, and probably the only book we need for sure!

Please don't read the one I suggested earlier -- my sister is really into the Boundaries books and I have watched it destroy her relationship with almost family member over the past 7 years. Then, I just read some reviews here, and really had to make sure I recanted on that advice, and it's terrifying how powerful a book can be: http://pastor-ricks-musings.blogspot.com/2011/01/boundaries-book-review.html

I have heard great things about 'Love and Respect' by Eggerrich.. suggested earlier. Enjoy your date

 

[Note]

I have not read all the posts yet (slow connection to view). Have you considered some Biblical counseling for the both of you? Get a non objective, Christian counselor into the mix for a few weeks, see what happens. I would recommend, and you must know them, newlife.com or focusonthefamily.com for some local recommendations.

I think he is going overboard with the parents and not putting enough focus on your and the child, but there must be something in his mind tell him to do this.

 

[mkgal1]

So funny, all your posts (other threads as well) scream Dr Henry's books, which is why I mentioned him earlier. My sister reads all his stuff, and advises and thinks like you.. Sounds like good help for DW1989.

The bible is the best book to read, and probably the only book we need for sure!

Please don't read the one I suggested earlier -- my sister is really into the Boundaries books and I have watched it destroy her relationship with almost family member over the past 7 years. Then, I just read some reviews here, and really had to make sure I recanted on that advice, and it's terrifying how powerful a book can be: http://pastor-ricks-musings.blogspot.com/2011/01/boundaries-book-review.html

I didn't realize my posts were "screaming" or that all my posts are about Dr Henry Cloud.

I believe DW has a good (and healthy) grasp on this....so I will just leave it at that.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm glad to know my thoughts are not completely out of place. I should start reading some books, including the ones you suggested. Though this may sound weird, I haven't read a book since high school and even then it was hard for me to sit and read. Its like I read and it doesn't grasp into my head. Going into one eye and out the other, haha. But I should start reading more. I usually read my bible some nights, other then that its hard for me to sit long enough to read.

The book I suggested (9 Things You Simply Must Do) is a very easy and interesting read. He uses actual patient's experiences (changing their names, of course) and what he advised them (and the results). It gives the reader a much more clear understanding of what's being advised (and how it actually plays out in real life). His advice is based on Biblical standards (and he often refers to Scripture).