Discussion Ended Closed Post

[mkgal1]

I guess what I mean is that I view my inlaws as an extension of family, because my wife is my family. If she's unwilling to address a concern, I shouldnt have any qualms about going to them and telling them I need some space and time and would appreciate their help in the matter. Maybe it's different for my family, or maybe for women in general. Just speaking from my own experience. My inlaws are pretty cool though.

The difference is that you perceive your in-laws as an extension of your family (and that you consider--rightly---your wife as your true family).....and her husband has it the other way around (with HER being the extension). It's a whole different dynamic, where she's become the "outsider" with very little agency. If she were to go to her in-laws (from what she's posted)....she'd have all of them upset with her---alienating herself even more than she already is.

It's just a good rule-of-thumb for each spouse to deal with their own family of origin (especially when there're relational issues).

 

[98cwitr]

After hearing more I'd have to agree.

This is a pretty clear case of codependency. It's also apparently clear to me that he'd rather hold onto what little adolescence he has inside and he has less to struggle with as a fairly new husband and definitely a new father. Many men in these situations turn to friends or alcohol, or in slightly less severe cases new hobbies to try and escape the seemingly overwhelming responsibility of being the head of a nuclear family...anything to not be at home where it's less comfortable and familiar. In this case, it's his father. I personally think he needs a reality check. Will pray for you!

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Since he's your husband, you know him best! But, I'm pretty sure he has heard you loud and clear when you tried to discuss it before because you said he was offended - was that because you called him out, or he feels torn and possibly helpless?

I definitely wouldn't show him the posts (but, again you know him best) - a lot of husbands would feel betrayed, disrespected, ganged up on, and flat out embarrassed to know their wives seek outside advice (especially when they know they are in the wrong!)

I'm glad you described what you meant by "distant yourself".. yes, let the Holy Spirit be the Holy Spirit to your husband (ie. convict him, led him to repentance, and change). Trust God's timing and I know it's hard!!

Maybe go the extra mile and pour out more love, attention, and affection?. I don't mean to suggest you manipulate him, but help him to prefer you over his dad

 

[mkgal1]

This is a pretty clear case of codependency. It's also apparently clear to me that he'd rather hold onto what little adolescence he has inside and he has less to struggle with as a fairly new husband and definitely a new father.....anything to not be at home where it's less comfortable and familiar.

I think that's great insight.

 

[mkgal1]

When my husband got upset and put his foot down his dad got mad at us???

I'm curious to know what happened after your FIL got mad at you two. How did your husband respond then?

 

[DW1989]

I'm curious to know what happened after your FIL got mad at you two. How did your husband respond then?

When his dad gets upset when ever we confront him on anything, he doesn't want to speak to us. He sits and gives short answers to everything, not trying to lower him down but, how a child gets when you take something away. Especially after the meat thing with our daughter. He acted as if we were in the wrong for telling him that was wrong of him to do. As if we scolded him. But to me I was completely shocked by that it even came across his dad's mind it would be okay to feed our daughter meat. If our daughter chooses to eat meat when she is older that is fine, but she has never had it ever, and just disrespected that he didnt consider our wishes.

 

[mkgal1]

...and when your FIL shuts down like that.....does your husband ever share with you his thoughts on that?

In my experience, people that have been raised with this sort of manipulative behavior don't even recognize it. Like 98cwiter said earlier...this is a clear example of codependency.

 

[DW1989]

...and when your FIL shuts down like that.....does your husband ever share with you his thoughts on that?

In my experience, people that have been raised with this sort of manipulative behavior don't even recognize it. Like 98cwiter said earlier...this is a clear example of codependency.

Exactly, I've noticed it a couple times. It not very blunt the way his dad treats him, but he says things every now and then that puts my husband in a state that makes him feel the need to stand by his dad. Example, my husband works long hours, so he'll sleep in on the weekends (sometimes) but if his dad calls and wakes him, his dad only has to say a couple words like "oh your still sleeping?" and for some reason this makes my husband go into a mode thinking that his dad is referring to him that he's lazy. & I'm sure that is what he's referring too.he does little things like that, that makes my husband feel he isn't doing what his dad thinks he should do. Inadequate I think the word is. But yes my husband and I have talked about and I think he has gotten better with his dads comments. He doesnt take it has personal, but I think it still bothers him.

 

[mkgal1]

Right. I really think your perception is very astute. That's an advantage (if you could call it that) a parent has---they've had those formative years to influence their child, and they know just how to push their buttons. I hope and pray the two of you are able to get some qualified outside help (and that your husband is receptive). As your daughter gets older, this is only going to become *more* important.

 

[DW1989]

Right. I really think your perception is very astute. That's an advantage (if you could call it that) a parent has---they've had those formative years to influence their child, and they know just how to push their buttons. I hope and pray the two of you are able to get some qualified outside help (and that your husband is receptive). As your daughter gets older, this is only going to become *more* important.

I appreciate your comments. Thank you for helping me feel I'm on the right track with this and for your information!

 

[mkgal1]

You're welcome

 

[Job8]

I just need a break from the in laws.

Quick solution. Move at least 10 miles away from where you are. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Is your husband's relationship with his dad effecting his physical, mental, and emotional health? I couldn't tell from your posts, and maybe that is just one sign of codependency.. I was reading this: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

If it is a codependency, which is described as an addiction, very serious.. what would you do to cure him? Do you have "Celebrate Recovery" in your area?

The giving your child meat seemed like it could be a new thread because I think there are lots of grandparents that do whatever they want when it comes to their grand kids.. It seems *most* disregard their own adult children wishes. I would expect a lot more of those types of incidents to occur in the future with you living so close.. sorry!

Lastly, a lot of people find the "Boundaries" books by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend helpful. Are you familiar with those?

 

[Godzchild88]

Not that I'm in much of a position to give advice, but it seems that your husband doesn't prefer his dad over you (or your daughter), but rather feels a heavy obligation to fill a need or please him. It also sounds like something happened to change this- maybe his mom's health? Think back to what changed to make it more important to fill in his dad's time/needs/wishes. Maybe there is a win-win solution. Babysitting your little girl would bring grandpa and grand baby closer together. It would occupy grandpa's time. It would free you two up for a date night in which you know your husband could be comforted in knowing his dad (and daughter) would be happy and occupied. It would give your husband a break from worrying about his dad. And you? Well, you get some real, dependable, hopefully regularly scheduled time with your hubby. Maybe a little distance will sharpen his perspective. No talking about his dad or this problem during your dates. In fact, I wouldn't mention anything about it for a while and let him have time (and God's conviction) to open his eyes, then gently bring it up slowly if necessary. Until then, you just concentrate in making those date nights something he really looks forward to (and you!). Good luck and God Bless, and yes, your perspective is absolutely correct! One more thing, always say a prayer before you leave for date night that God will bless you ALL with a wonderful time!

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

One more thing, always say a prayer before you leave for date night that God will bless you ALL with a wonderful time!

I have a date with my hubby tonight, dinner and "God's Not Dead 2".. and I never thought to pray before. What a great idea! Thanks for that

 

[DW1989]

Not that I'm in much of a position to give advice, but it seems that your husband doesn't prefer his dad over you (or your daughter), but rather feels a heavy obligation to fill a need or please him. It also sounds like something happened to change this- maybe his mom's health? Think back to what changed to make it more important to fill in his dad's time/needs/wishes. Maybe there is a win-win solution. Babysitting your little girl would bring grandpa and grand baby closer together. It would occupy grandpa's time. It would free you two up for a date night in which you know your husband could be comforted in knowing his dad (and daughter) would be happy and occupied. It would give your husband a break from worrying about his dad. And you? Well, you get some real, dependable, hopefully regularly scheduled time with your hubby. Maybe a little distance will sharpen his perspective. No talking about his dad or this problem during your dates. In fact, I wouldn't mention anything about it for a while and let him have time (and God's conviction) to open his eyes, then gently bring it up slowly if necessary. Until then, you just concentrate in making those date nights something he really looks forward to (and you!). Good luck and God Bless, and yes, your perspective is absolutely correct! One more thing, always say a prayer before you leave for date night that God will bless you ALL with a wonderful time!

I've spoken to my husband about this attachment he has. He was very responsive and he says he feels sad for his dad being alone but he also says he has alot in common with his dad (which he does). He said his mother's absence participation in his dads life makes him feel he needs to fill the position as a friend. His mother is very sweet, but stubborn and chooses only to do what she wants and nothing can tell her different. phrase "can't teach a old dog new tricks" comes to mind (not that I'm comparing her to a dog, but the idea of showing her a different way). His parents don't mind watching my daughter, but I feel that if its unexpected or longer then a few hours it disrupts their schedule (how they come off). My husband and I have been looking around for a diffrent location to move to but not because of his parents, more because of the area we live. But at the moment its difficult to think of moving because we own our home and hard to think of taking up a mortgage. But I think at the moment I made my point to my husband and I think he does realize his attachment but he saw it more as filling an empty void for his dad and he just enjoyed being around him. But I made the point that even though its nice that he is doing this for his dad, he is making an empty void in our relationship. I also stated that the situation between his parents is between his parents and he is married to me. I don't mind seeing his parents and I realize the convenience of having them literally 1 sec away, but we need to realize that their marriage and problems is for them to resolve, not my husbands. Im going to sit back, not talk about his parents and see how things go. Thank you again everyone!

 

[DW1989]

I've spoken to my husband about this attachment he has. He was very responsive and he says he feels sad for his dad being alone but he also says he has alot in common with his dad (which he does). He said his mother's absence participation in his dads life makes him feel he needs to fill the position as a friend. His mother is very sweet, but stubborn and chooses only to do what she wants and nothing can tell her different. phrase "can't teach a old dog new tricks" comes to mind (not that I'm comparing her to a dog, but the idea of showing her a different way). His parents don't mind watching my daughter, but I feel that if its unexpected or longer then a few hours it disrupts their schedule (how they come off). My husband and I have been looking around for a diffrent location to move to but not because of his parents, more because of the area we live. But at the moment its difficult to think of moving because we own our home and hard to think of taking up a mortgage. But I think at the moment I made my point to my husband and I think he does realize his attachment but he saw it more as filling an empty void for his dad and he just enjoyed being around him. But I made the point that even though its nice that he is doing this for his dad, he is making an empty void in our relationship. I also stated that the situation between his parents is between his parents and he is married to me. I don't mind seeing his parents and I realize the convenience of having them literally 1 sec away, but we need to realize that their marriage and problems is for them to resolve, not my husbands. Im going to sit back, not talk about his parents and see how things go. Thank you again everyone!

PS going to schedule some much needed hubby time this weekend! Maybe a hike and going out to dinner.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I've spoken to my husband about this attachment he has. He was very responsive and he says he feels sad for his dad being alone but he also says he has alot in common with his dad (which he does). He said his mother's absence participation in his . Im going to sit back, not talk about his parents and see how things go. Thank you again everyone!

I call this ANSWERED PRAYER!! God is good and faithful ALL the time!!!!!

 

[mkgal1]

He said his mother's absence participation in his dads life makes him feel he needs to fill the position as a friend. His mother is very sweet, but stubborn and chooses only to do what she wants and nothing can tell her different. phrase "can't teach a old dog new tricks" comes to mind (not that I'm comparing her to a dog, but the idea of showing her a different way).

I'm really glad your husband was receptive to what you said. You're exactly right---this is your in-law's issue....and not your husband's issue to resolve.

Do you know what this quote above sounds like to me? It really sounds as if your FIL was turning your husband against his own mother (and your husband is responding by feeling sorry for your FIL---but not feeling badly about neglecting YOU and your daughter). That is a very good manipulator right there (if I'm reading/picking up on what you're writing correctly). That's classic narcissistic behavior (and since narcissism is on a scale, one doesn't have to be a serial killer to be a narcissist). Why doesn't anyone sympathize with your MIL---is she really that horrible of a person (have you tried to get to know her w/o all that's been said about her coloring your perception)? When you mentioned earlier about your FIL speaking about his marriage....that's something that manipulators do---they call it "smear campaigns". Look at the reviews of this book (a lot already sounds like how you've described your FIL): http://www.amazon.com/Living-Passiv...keywords=living+with+a+passive+aggressive+man

What's worse is......since your husband is so close to him, he's probably picking up on a lot of this attitude and way of thinking.

Another thing---and this is just my opinion---but I was VERY choosy about who watched our daughter when she was young. Anyone that demonstrated that they didn't respect our decisions and choices for her was immediately scratched off the list of possible sitters. I had food allergies myself up until I was about 5 years old---so I was very careful about how and what our daughter was given those first two years.

 

[AGTG]

I think what you're feeling is rational, and his behavior is unbiblical. Jesus set boundaries for Biblical marriage that mean in-laws are no longer to be a focal point for either spouse:

Matthew 19
4 He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female,
5 and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."

What God has joined together, let no man (including your husband) tear that apart.