Disconnection

[Tmareej]

I`ve been married for 4years now, and been with my spouse for 8.
2015 has been one of the roughest years i have faced in my marriage
My husband lost his best friend and his mom that year, I was pregnant so there were a lot of emotions involved in our scuffles. My husbands 17 yr old sister ended up moving in with us which I was excited about because we got along, but when she moved in her habits disgusted me.

we have a small two bedroom apartment, so gaining a teenager and a soon to be newborn was stressful to me. Every where i walked there would be clutter and it seemed that him and his sister did not care how i felt about it.

We ended up getting into one of the worse fights ever, which i called the cops because he was kicking me out of my own hows and would not let me get my stuff.
I went to Kansas for a month and we decided not to divorce to stick it out.
Since my husband was in the military counseling was mandatory.

I did feel bad that I was not there for him like he needed me when his mom past. I guess that since he told me that he knew it was coming i assumed that he was at peace with it.

So thats just the just of whats going on. I have grown from that experience and realized that I do have a lot of personal issues that I needed to work on.

Now for the last past couple months, I`ve been feeling so unhappy, and I know that marriage isnt about our happiness. I just feel so disconnected from my husband, I dont feel that fire that I once had. I still love him very much, but its slowly dying. I cant bring up anything about his sister without him getting defensive or tell me what im not doing.
She still has a hard time cleaning up after herself. And I still feel like her and my husband could care less about how I feel about things. Im just always over reacting.

He gets mad because I can leave and run to my family when I want, because he feels like he dosent have family he can run to. Its just him and his sister, but in the same sense when Im in this house i feel like its just me and my daughter. I did not know that you can be so lonely in a marriage.

I turned to the forum because theres no one I can talk to about marriage. My mom just always shoot for me to get a divorce but I dont want to live with regret and I want to try for my daughter.
I really need some advice on what i should do.

 

[ValleyGal]

First and most important piece of advice: Stop running to your family with your marriage problems. Why do you leave to go to your family? Tell him that you want to be able to talk with him about your marriage, and if you feel safe talking with him about it, then you won't feel like you need to run to your family.

Why did your sister in law move in with you? She is 17. I understand that her mom has passed, but is there maybe other family that she can stay with? Your marriage is already fragile, without having to take on the added stress of another person there, no matter how much you all might love her. Where I live, the ministry for children and families has what we call a "youth agreement" where a teen between 16 and 19 can enter into an agreement with our government to live independently rather than go into foster care. That might be an option in your area, if there are no other family members who can take her in. It's not that you would totally abandon her, but it would give you (and her) space without straining all the relationships.

Having all that stress in your home will affect your baby. Your marriage is important, and your marriage problems are between you and your husband - and no one else. If you can get marriage counselling through your church or something, that would be so great because it sounds like you need a third party to help you each understand the others' feelings and learn how to support each other through so much stress.

Pray for your marriage. Pray for your husband.

 

[ex-pat]

Try this: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/articles/30-day-husband-encouragement-challenge/

 

[chapmic]

It sounds like you husband is still angry about his mother's passing. I think counseling can definitely help him have peace over this and recognize that he is loved and has a support system. It still sounds like their is divisiveness between you and your husband and his sister, it is hard and sometimes it takes a longer time than we want but there has to be forgiveness on all sides about what happened in the past and understanding that you all support and love each other. Maybe you guys should try Christian Counseling?

 

[Tmareej]

First and most important piece of advice: Stop running to your family with your marriage problems. Why do you leave to go to your family? Tell him that you want to be able to talk with him about your marriage, and if you feel safe talking with him about it, then you won't feel like you need to run to your family.

Why did your sister in law move in with you? She is 17. I understand that her mom has passed, but is there maybe other family that she can stay with? Your marriage is already fragile, without having to take on the added stress of another person there, no matter how much you all might love her. Where I live, the ministry for children and families has what we call a "youth agreement" where a teen between 16 and 19 can enter into an agreement with our government to live independently rather than go into foster care. That might be an option in your area, if there are no other family members who can take her in. It's not that you would totally abandon her, but it would give you (and her) space without straining all the relationships.

Having all that stress in your home will affect your baby. Your marriage is important, and your marriage problems are between you and your husband - and no one else. If you can get marriage counselling through your church or something, that would be so great because it sounds like you need a third party to help you each understand the others' feelings and learn how to support each other through so much stress.

Pray for your marriage. Pray for your husband.

Thank you so much for your reply. I've definitely learned that running to my family isn't the answer.
If I recommend her getting into an independent program he will flip his lid. Sometimes I feel like I'm the third person living in the house.
All I can do is pray, I'm at the point where I'm getting numb to it. I been working on keeping my self more occupied. I know patience is the key, it's just hard trying to figure how to keep my self sane in the mean time.

 

[Tmareej]

It sounds like you husband is still angry about his mother's passing. I think counseling can definitely help him have peace over this and recognize that he is loved and has a support system. It still sounds like their is divisiveness between you and your husband and his sister, it is hard and sometimes it takes a longer time than we want but there has to be forgiveness on all sides about what happened in the past and understanding that you all support and love each other. Maybe you guys should try Christian Counseling?

We have done counseling which has helped us a lot in other aspects of our marriage and it was mandatory.He won't go back for the fact he says they are going to tell him what he already knows.
I just feel like his sister just doesn't care how I feel about certain things. She's lazy/careless yet complains. And your right maybe how lenient he's being towards his sister has something to do with his mom.
I'm just exhausted.

 

[Tmareej]

Try this: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/articles/30-day-husband-encouragement-challenge/

Thank you!

 

[Tmareej]

I'm also praying that I can change my out look on our situation. I know God is trying to teach me something here.
I appreciate you ladies support.

 

[ValleyGal]

You have a right to speak up about your living conditions. It does not have to be an ultimatum; invite him into the possible resolutions to this situation. It might mean you moving out, it might mean all three of you finding a more suitable place where you can all live together without getting into each other's space. It might mean all kinds of things. You might even want your sil to join the conversation. It's not about you having patience without asserting the boundary of what you will and will not put up with in your own home. It's about saying what is and is not an acceptable way to live.

 

[Tmareej]

You have a right to speak up about your living conditions. It does not have to be an ultimatum; invite him into the possible resolutions to this situation. It might mean you moving out, it might mean all three of you finding a more suitable place where you can all live together without getting into each other's space. It might mean all kinds of things. You might even want your sil to join the conversation. It's not about you having patience without asserting the boundary of what you will and will not put up with in your own home. It's about saying what is and is not an acceptable way to live.

I've expressed my feelings about it multiple times. We are moving into a bigger home so maybe that will help. We even have a chore chat that he don't press on her. She will literately do a chore once a month. And I understand that coming from her moms home they haven't been the cleanist. My husband knows how I feel about things. But yet it's still happening. Maybe I can convince him to sit down and go to counseling again with me.
I can say I'm not putting up with it but than what?

 

[chapmic]

We have done counseling which has helped us a lot in other aspects of our marriage and it was mandatory.He won't go back for the fact he says they are going to tell him what he already knows.
I just feel like his sister just doesn't care how I feel about certain things. She's lazy/careless yet complains. And your right maybe how lenient he's being towards his sister has something to do with his mom.
I'm just exhausted.

I understand, I think maybe you should have a heart to heart conversation with the sister. She is prolly still hurt from the loss of her mother. Sometimes instead of expressing that we are still hurt by what happened we vent by complaining and being careless of the things that are going on. I think you should talk with her and let her know that you are here for her, and that you want to put the past behind you and love each other as a happy family. Also, I don't think she understands how being cleaner is really beneficial. I know there was times in my life, where I felt my mom was making too big of a deal about cleanliness and I thought she was taking it too personal when I didn't clean up as much as she wanted. You will have to explain, that a cleaner house will make the environment feel less stressful for the entire household. There are studies that show people are happier when there living conditions are clean and cleaning up is a simple way to show love and respect to the other people living in the house. During the conversation, do not accuse of her anything in the past because she may get defensive, but talk about the future and help give her a vision on how she fits in to this family. Throughout the convo make sure she feels that she is loved and needed. Hope this helps! Praying for you all and God bless!

 

[Tmareej]

It does I really appreciate it. And really it's not like I want my house extremely cleaned, it's just little things such as not cleaning the make up off the walls or simply putting her stuff back instead of leaving it on the sink, and when you drop something on the floor pick it up instead of leaving it there. To
It's hard to talk to her because we don't have that bond. She's fine with me when she wants something and don't want to ask her brother. I just want a compromise between us all(thought the chores list was the Compton)And I guess I have to get over that fear and just talk to her.

 

[chapmic]

It does I really appreciate it. And really it's not like I want my house extremely cleaned, it's just little things such as not cleaning the make up off the walls or simply putting her stuff back instead of leaving it on the sink, and when you drop something on the floor pick it up instead of leaving it there. To
It's hard to talk to her because we don't have that bond. She's fine with me when she wants something and don't want to ask her brother. I just want a compromise between us all(thought the chores list was the Compton)And I guess I have to get over that fear and just talk to her.

Yes you will have to have that conversation but don't worry because it is an opportunity to have a stronger bond with her. My wife was extremely afraid to talk to her sister about a really tough issue but God is so faithful. God wants families to grow stronger. IF you do this in Jesus name, you will be planting a great seed that will help your sister in law feel that love and support that she desperately needs. God bless!

 

[Tmareej]

Thank you so much