Dilemma retry

[DontReallyKnow]

Sorry for the repost. I'm not used to talking about my issues, even anonymously.

My wife and I have been married close to 20 years. Sex has always been a struggle within our relationship. Lots of people talk about the struggles they have in marriage due to differences in levels of desire, so I'm not going to go into some long story explaining that. I am sure you can get the idea.

Over time, it got less and less frequent, and I'd grow more and more frustrated about it. Eventually I got tired of the anxiousness, the counting of days to myself of how long it had been since the last time and the thinking about how it shouldn't be so hard. So I decided to stop trying. If I wasn't expecting it or wanting it any more I could at least work out a way to be at peace with that. The next time it happened, if it ever did, it would be because she took the initiative.

That was well over two years ago. The time before that it had been over a year.

She recently started seeing a therapist and had a talk with them today about it, and the therapist suggested we go to couples counseling together or a sex therapist.

My issue is that I don't think I want to. I'll go to couples therapy, but I think I have so much resentment built up in me that I don't want sex brought back into the picture. Even when she just brought it up today, I felt a lot of coldness grow within me toward her. If we don't talk about it, then I don't need to address that resentment (at least right now).

I don't know if I want to go back to a place where I start wanting it from her again, and find myself in the same place again with new anticipations leading to new resentments.

I know this isn't a healthy way of thinking about things, but it is the way I feel. I'd appreciate some input if anyone has any.

 

[maintenance man]

I'd appreciate some input if anyone has any.

I understand how difficult your situation is and I'm praying you find a way forward that works for both you and your wife.

It seems to me you will need to figure out a way to back up and restart your relationship - let go of the resentment and find a way forward that satisfies your need for physical intimacy and addresses whatever it is that she is looking for from you that is missing.

If your wife doesn't desire to be close to you there must be some resentment of you for something. I don't know either of you so I have no clue what that could be. You may want to start by asking her what you can do to help her feel a need to be close to you.

 

[Deidre32]

I would be careful to assume it's something he did to cause this situation. I think that there could be underlying reasons that you don't even know about, OP. Or yes, it could be you, or the marriage. But, it might have nothing to do with you.

I will say though, if sex has been about your needs, etc...that could make your wife feel like it's a chore, and boring. She needs to want sex as much as you do. Her lack of desire could stem from a medical issue, also. I think that therapy might help you both, at least to get past your resentment, and have a more open and loving relationship. Praying for you both.

 

[DontReallyKnow]

I would be careful to assume it's something he did to cause this situation. I think that there could be underlying reasons that you don't even know about, OP. Or yes, it could be you, or the marriage. But, it might have nothing to do with you.

I will say though, if sex has been about your needs, etc...that could make your wife feel like it's a chore, and boring. She needs to want sex as much as you do. Her lack of desire could stem from a medical issue, also. I think that therapy might help you both, at least to get past your resentment, and have a more open and loving relationship. Praying for you both.

I think that’s a hard one to answer. Where does my believing that it ought be a natural and easy part of a healthy relationship and therefore “wanting it” end, and it being about “my needs” begin? I want or need a healthy loving relationship.

If what you are getting at is that it’s about my need for sex and release and she’s just a means to an end, that was never my desire.

I think that’s the way she came to see it though, and that it was a chore for her. It was hard to fight that though when it felt to me like my tries to make it something other were not well received. It’s hard to make it about the other person as well when they are not receptive. That’s why it eventually ended where it did, and I stopped even asking or trying. I didn’t want it to be about just myself and it was obvious that no matter what I did that’s how it ended up.

So two years later here we are.

I’m not happy but I’m not miserable either. I was miserable though before due to how things were. And I’m really worried about reintroducing that back into the mix, because it was nearly 18 years of anticipation, trying, wondering what I was doing wrong, what I could fix, wondering why she wasn’t into it and so many other things.

The last time I tried to even bring the subject up she told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t interested, and saw me even wanting to try as some “Saudi Arabian type stuff”. That’s when I just stopped.

I really haven’t gotten past that and really worry about rehashing it all back up.

 

[Deidre32]

I think that’s a hard one to answer. Where does my believing that it ought be a natural and easy part of a healthy relationship and therefore “wanting it” end, and it being about “my needs” begin? I want or need a healthy loving relationship.

If what you are getting at is that it’s about my need for sex and release and she’s just a means to an end, that was never my desire.

I think that’s the way she came to see it though, and that it was a chore for her. It was hard to fight that though when it felt to me like my tries to make it something other were not well received. It’s hard to make it about the other person as well when they are not receptive. That’s why it eventually ended where it did, and I stopped even asking or trying. I didn’t want it to be about just myself and it was obvious that no matter what I did that’s how it ended up.

So two years later here we are.

I’m not happy but I’m not miserable either. I was miserable though before due to how things were. And I’m really worried about reintroducing that back into the mix, because it was nearly 18 years of anticipation, trying, wondering what I was doing wrong, what I could fix, wondering why she wasn’t into it and so many other things.

The last time I tried to even bring the subject up she told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t interested, and saw me even wanting to try as some “Saudi Arabian type stuff”. That’s when I just stopped.

I really haven’t gotten past that and really worry about rehashing it all back up.

You sound like a really thoughtful and kind husband.

Sometimes, writing can help us process things, maybe write her a letter or email, and share a little of what you have shared here, with her? Sometimes talking about our feelings is harder than writing them out, I think. Maybe try that, and see if it opens up some genuine communication. I'm sorry you're hurting.