difficulty with jealousy

[wanntobe]

I periodically have trust issues in my marriage. I want to make it clear that I believe the problem is mine. My wife defends her privacy and sometimes I see her behavior as suspicious, but I do not believe that she is seeing or talking with anyone else. However, sometimes it is obvious that she does not want me to see her email, phone, facebook, etc, and at these times, my mind goes wild with various possibilities. She states that she emails her friends about marriage issues sometimes and they help give her perspective and think about things differently, but she doesn't want me to see the messages because she is just getting things off her chest and I might take it the wrong way. I believe her intellectually.

I, on the otherhand, do not have this luxury. I am so busy with school and work, I have exactly zero friendships outside of the home. I do not have anyone else with whom I can talk through these feelings. So, what I am looking for is another husband who may be in a similar situation to whom I can vent and bounce ideas off of, and do the same for him. I don't mean to be sexist, but if I am going to be messaging someone about marriage issues, it has to be a member of the male gender in order to avoid less honorable impressions.

Thanks.

 

[Audiomechanic]

I periodically have trust issues in my marriage. I want to make it clear that I believe the problem is mine. My wife defends her privacy and sometimes I see her behavior as suspicious, but I do not believe that she is seeing or talking with anyone else. However, sometimes it is obvious that she does not want me to see her email, phone, facebook, etc, and at these times, my mind goes wild with various possibilities. She states that she emails her friends about marriage issues sometimes and they help give her perspective and think about things differently, but she doesn't want me to see the messages because she is just getting things off her chest and I might take it the wrong way. I believe her intellectually.

I, on the otherhand, do not have this luxury. I am so busy with school and work, I have exactly zero friendships outside of the home. I do not have anyone else with whom I can talk through these feelings. So, what I am looking for is another husband who may be in a similar situation to whom I can vent and bounce ideas off of, and do the same for him. I don't mean to be sexist, but if I am going to be messaging someone about marriage issues, it has to be a member of the male gender in order to avoid less honorable impressions.

Thanks.

There is the key of your post. She believes you will take it the wrong way. This means she does not feel safe revealing everything to you. Why is this? Will you take it the wrong way? Have you given her any reason to not open up completely to you?

I have learned with my wife, that often times, the best way to get her to open up to me, is to not try to get her to open up to me. Meaning, give her her space. Honestly give it to her and be ok with it. She will know if you're doing it to gain her favor but are still uneasy about it.

This issue sounds to me like a codependency and control issue on your part. I say that because I have the same problem. I have found a couple of resources that have helped me:

1) Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books This book is largely written for women, but it's principles apply to anyone.

2) I started going to CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. Hearing my thoughts spoken by others helped me to realize I'm not alone and helped me to see things from new perspectives.

Getting this under control will not only allow her to relax and feel safer with you, but will also relieve stress from you! As a codependent, I drive myself crazy sometimes with stuff like this and it's all so unnecessary! Letting go has helped me to relax as well, and as a result, I have a wife that trusts me more, enjoys me more, and opens up to me more.

Tossing in my 2 cents.

 

[wanntobe]

Thank you for the reply and suggestions. Greatly appreciated

 

[Audiomechanic]

My pleasure.

 

[johnalv]

I had gone thru the same thing in 2012, very heavily, the enemy is causing problems in marriage, the same type situation. We are 19 years married. Sometimes the head of the household has to step in and protect his house. If the enemy comes and binds the strongman of the house , it will fall. I have have 5 children too. I felt also supspicious and I had lost my job, I was distant at a time toward my family due to music and playing the scence, I have now stopped that and have dedicated all to God. She gave a slight reason for me to step in on some texting, but I now know it was not what is really was, I have confronted the whole situation and people involved, she doesn't mind if i look through her things or vice vera, there are different stages in marriage, and it's ok to feel the way you do. it;s simple, if she has nothing to hide, then she should show you, a marriage is the trust and also the peace of mind and soul for your spouse. God had been telling me the enemy was setting up a scence and problem years ahead in the making, and I even was attacked in dreams, but God gave me insight and to step up and take care of this. Friends that are not saved are friends of the devil, he will use anyone and whatever he can to get to you and destroy a marriage. you may argue and fit, but keep strong with God, the both of you, look into it, sometimes the man has to set things straight in the house and you have have the right to protect your home for now and the future. We had a agurement that was heavy about such a things, i found something that i thought was the last straw, and at one point she treatened the marriage, and i said that its not only one, it takes 2 to make it happen to stick and 2 to destroy it, then she paused and stayed quiet for a moment, and God reavealed in her heart that it was demons trying to seperated us and she believed at that moment that it was a battle of spirits, that it wasn't coinincedent that the way that happened was normal, and i testified to her what i had been trying to tell her for years about that, that we battle against powers and rullers of darkeness and principalities. And it stuck, God has reavealed all to us and half of the peace of mind is knowing why we do what we do, not justifying, but like for example, she may put on a little more makeup for work at school at a 5th grade campus , but not at home and when we go out yes, and colors her hair to cover white, but she says she is comfortable at home and at peace, and work she feels she needs to present a proffesional look and demands respect and so on, and God let me see that, and she is noble in how she dresses and everyone knows me there and respect me as well, God has helped me with answers and in deep knowledge to see and help me, but if i understand and know what is going on, it helps and i told her. We have talked more that ever now and its part of a new stage of marriage, so give her space, but don't let it go far, to give space to the enemy.