Difference in Validation and Being Flattered

[HeKnowsMyName]

Discuss. lol I don't know how to put it into words.

Someone flirts with you - does it make you feel better about yourself? Isn't that validation? But couldn't it just be because you are flattered? And why wouldn't it make you feel good about yourself?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hmmmm........depends on the flirt-er I guess. Just because someone flirts with me doesn't make me feel flattered, nor does it validate me. Quite frankly sometimes it can even have the opposite effect for me. I think if you don't feel good about yourself, no amount of flattery or validation will help. Think of all the "beautiful" girls that have low self esteem and looking at them you would think what the ????? are you talking about cuz they are gorgeous on the outside (I'm talking about those model types that have perfect figures and faces and etc).
So I think we have to believe it from the inside first.

 

[singlewv2011]

Discuss. lol I don't know how to put it into words.

Someone flirts with you - does it make you feel better about yourself? Isn't that validation? But couldn't it just be because you are flattered? And why wouldn't it make you feel good about yourself?

Interesting. I guess it depends on their motive? Are they flirting with you because you are cute? Then that would validate your physical self-image, right? Or if it was because you are smart, spiritual, or successful, then it would validate those things in you. I don't know if there is a difference between "feeling flattered" and "feeling validated", perhaps it's the same thing? Except perhaps that "flattery" is often insincere?

val·i·date (v

l

-d

t

)
tr.v. val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing, val·i·dates 1. To declare or make legally valid.
2. To mark with an indication of official sanction.
3. To establish the soundness of; corroborate

flat·ter 1 (fl

t

r) v. flat·tered, flat·ter·ing, flat·ters
v.tr. 1. To compliment excessively and often insincerely, especially in order to win favor.
2. To please or gratify the vanity of: "What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering" (George Bernard Shaw).
3. a. To portray favorably: a photograph that flatters its subject.
b. To show off becomingly or advantageously.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

interesting that it says in the definition of flattery that the compliments are often INSINCERE just to win favor LOL

Who knew?

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

The reason for my question. I read that until you don't need a member of the opposite sex to validate you, you are not ready to date. However, flattery is a good thing even when you are married, in a relationship, or single. It just helps to be noticed and appreciated.

My Mother has never strayed or thought of straying in her life but yet she feels better about herself when a man compliments her. Does that mean she has a need to be validated by a man? Am I even making sense? lol

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't think it means your mom "needs" to be validated by a man, but who wouldn't like it? especially after your married for a long time, idk maybe your dad doesn't compliment her enough. But the older we get (at least IMO) the more we cherish compliments from the opposite sex. Doesn't mean we "need" them to validate us, but I know it always lifts my spirits when some guy I know or don't know says how great I look. Doesn't happen that often though let me tell ya lol

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

This comment you keep referring to that you heard about until you don't need a man to validate you, you aren't ready to date. To me that doesn't necessarily have to mean by complimenting or flattery. It could mean more along the lines of if you can just be by yourself or not. Some women jump from relationship to relationship because they are terrified of being alone. It's when you can be alone and be OK with it is when, IMO, you are in the position of not "needing a man to validate you".

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

That makes sense. I just assumed it meant when you just got jiggly all over cause a man said something sweet to you or showed you attention that you required validation from a man. lol I know I'm weird. More like it made you feel bigger and better about yourself. You don't take that to mean validation?

I struggle with this flirt crap cause when I was married, I was totally faithful to my ex. If a man flirted with me I went the other way. It's a serious adjustment to be single again and to know what is and what is not acceptable. It's hard to really know how *I'm* feeling let alone how other ppl are feeling.

I swear I am rattling and not making sense. SORRY.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Don't we all feel better when someone says something nice about us? That's not a bad thing unless we start thinking we are better than everyone else because of it.
While you are single get to "know" who you are at this moment. Change what you want to, or don't and don't really worry too much about what other people are thinking. Accept compliments if you get them, just don't let them puff you up with pride.
When you are comfortable in your own skin, IMO that is attractive. Some people take it to the extreme and think they are better than others but if you have a balance and realize you are not perfect, you are nothing without Christ, and love everyone around you, you will do well.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

You know, you are so right! The other day a lady told a friend of mine (she saw my ex with his new wife) that he must have been stupid or something because I looked 30X better than his new wife. That made me feel good and she is now my new favorite person. It didn't really matter that she was a female and it wasn't really validation I was feeling. I tell you I've never had so many emotions until I found myself single.

Girl ain't nothing going to make me prideful. I've NEVER been that type person thank God. But I get what you are saying. I think I need to keep a notebook of compliments and flirts so when I feel like poo I can refer to them.

This really was supposed to be a 'light' topic and I went and made it deep.

 

[razeontherock]

I think the differences between being flattered and being validated are complex. I also think the female of our species is highly erratic in the way y'all react to such things! (Seriously)

Validation can be purely intellectual, and only refer to a single point. Or it can refer to your whole person. And anywhere in between.

I think our OP is asking more specifically, as it relates to a compliment? I wish women were as consistent as she might wig out over being complimented if it invalidates her self-perception - but then you'd be men, right?

Since I can find no pattern to women wigging out over being complimented, I just don't go there, unless we're already close.

Is the opposite of being validated, being challenged? If so, I'm pretty sure that doesn't hold true for being flattered. Does that help?

Also to the OP's phrase about "needing to be validated;" maybe another way of verbalizing that that might bring clarity, is not needing other's opinions to feel good about yourself? That can be overdone though. No need to cut yourself off ...

 

[edwardfsmith]

It is very complex.
I 100% disagree with the statement that you can never be loved unless you love yourself.
People have told me that all my life as the reason nobody likes me.
So it always goes back to your fault then… that you have to try harder and do more work on yourself. I would hate to see you get in that trap.

There is some truth in it. One needs a strong relationship with Christ. If you feel his love you can love yourself. To me this is pretty much where it ends. I have this and I know God loves me.

But I am very unsure about other people.

Right or wrong, what others feel about us does affect our mood.
Some more than others.
I do not see this as all bad. If it did not affect our mood we would all just be jerks to each other and would not care what others think. We would all just look for the person that could accept us instead of being an acceptable person. I think both are needed. Some times we need to change and sometimes we need just confidence in who we are. It is a fine line in my view.

I am open to change

Validate to me means value
I do not need a woman to let me know I have value I have that in the lord.

But love on earth? Flirting would be nice.
I would thank God if a woman took notice of me.
It would give me more confidence in my dealings with other people.


I do not see the problem with feeling good when we are complimented.
You should feel good about yourself without the compliment and not “need” it
But it is ok to welcome it too

 

[chuck77]

Difference in Validation and Being Flattered

- I think Validation is something like:

Woman: I just feel so (insert emotion and why you think you're feeling that way)

Man: I can fix that, all you need to do is... No i'm kidding (see below)

Man: I understand, that must be hard for you.

- I think that's validating someone's feelings. The opposite of trying to fix the problem.

I think Flattery is something like:

Woman: Hi Chuck.

Chuck: Hi.

Woman: OH MY GOODNESS, Chuck said HI to ME!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Sayin Hi is flattery? I think it would be more like if you (or the man) said Hi so and so, WOW you look really nice today!
Or That color looks SO good on you!

 

[blackribbon]

My value and self worth comes from being a child of God. When other people take note of that value...that is validation. Value is "real"...validation is a feeling.

Flirting can be a form of validation...when it is welcomed....but again...it is ONLY about feelings and feelings can change. (Hense why this seems to be more of an issue for women). Flirting can also be downright creepy or maybe even the opposite of validation if you are being noticed for a characteristic that you maybe shouldn't be...(skimpy clothes versus beautiful person)...or by people you would rather NOT be noticing you.

I also find validation when a preschool child "flirts" with me...because it means that I must appear to be friendly and approachable. (Nothing like a unknown 4 year old who decides to come sit on your lap. )

 

[razeontherock]

My value and self worth comes from being a child of God. When other people take note of that value...that is validation. Value is "real"...validation is a feeling.

Well this certainly speaks to what I said above, that validation can refer to your whole person! I think this much could be unpacked and discussed at length, and maybe good things would come out of it. Is validation really just a feeling? Cannot there be a deeper connection in the Spirit, from one person to another? And how much of that is going on in things like:

"holding the Head, from which all the body by joints and bands having nourishment ministered, and knit together, increaseth with the increase of God." (Colossians 2:19)

Flirting can also be downright creepy or maybe even the opposite of validation if you are being noticed for a characteristic that you maybe shouldn't be...(skimpy clothes versus beautiful person)

Ok maybe this belongs in the understanding each other thread and not here, and maybe I notice interactions like this more than most people because I'm a musician, but if a woman is dressed to impress and feels like she shouldn't be noticed for that -- recipe for disaster, timebomb waiting to explode, etc.

I just stay clear.

How does one make sense of this?

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

I also find validation when a preschool child "flirts" with me...because it means that I must appear to be friendly and approachable. (Nothing like a unknown 4 year old who decides to come sit on your lap. )

Girl I had the nursery at church last Sunday and I had a lap full of little boys. I think there were 5 gathered around me. Now THAT is what I call being blessed/validated/flirted with.

 

[day time]

Flattered is when you accept a compliment/flirt/appreciation from a person whom you don't trust nor distrust, but they don't necessarily need to earn your trust for you to accept it either.

Validation is when you accept those things from someone you *do* trust.

 

[blackribbon]

What about validation that you have no worth? I have a friend who is the most lovely caring Christian woman. Her parents taught her that she had no worth. In her heart of heart, she really believes what her parents taught her. She cries when I sing her praises because although she really is an amazing person but she can't see it or believe it.

There is no amount of flattery or positive "validation" that can convince her otherwise. Her validation has nothing to do with her worth...it is a feeling that cripples her daily. Validation is extraneous. It is like it is nice to BE loved, but it is more important TO love. God never sent us out to be "loved" or be "validated". Good validation is nice but not something to seek or even focus on.

 

[singlewv2011]

What about validation that you have no worth? I have a friend who is the most lovely caring Christian woman. Her parents taught her that she had no worth. In her heart of heart, she really believes what her parents taught her. She cries when I sing her praises because although she really is an amazing person but she can't see it or believe it.

There is no amount of flattery or positive "validation" that can convince her otherwise. Her validation has nothing to do with her worth...it is a feeling that cripples her daily. Validation is extraneous. It is like it is nice to BE loved, but it is more important TO love. God never sent us out to be "loved" or be "validated". Good validation is nice but not something to seek or even focus on.

Oy, I have known women like this. They look for rejection from men and find it even where it doesn't exist. Until they can accept the truth, what God thinks about them, there is nothing that can be done. It's sad.