I remember when I came to the Lord, or shortly after (I didn't even know what had happened to me when in my heart wanted God, so when I started to move forward, the enemy rose up). God reads the prayer of the heart. I started fellowshipping with some very strong believers who really moved in the power of the Spirit.
The enemy, even though I had been encouraged by man, really started hitting my mind with many doubts.
I could hear and see what God was doing for my new friends. They were telling me the gospel and what I should be experiencing, and how God wouldn't forsake me,
yet I couldn't enter into what they had. The scriptures only seemed to confirm how worthless I was to God and that He had a reason for leaving me "aside" while others were getting blessed.
I had many strongholds (of the enemy) in my own soul (the thinking, feeling part). Also the will (the soul) (and not the spirit)
because the choices you make are the things God will hold you accountable to. He wont' condemn you because you feel like crap or are oppressed. He judges those who push Him aside, that don't seek Him. The ones that disregard His plan. They won't hear what Jesus said.
They don't want Him. I get the strong impression that you do!
Believers may want to do His will and experience problems, but He is not going to hold that against you. He wants you to do what you know already to do. What you know in your innermost place that you want God to stay and that He WANTS to stay,and what you know to do that would please Him.
The enemy will contend for your "soul' because your power of choice springs forth from here. They are "strongholds" of unbelief. That's what I had. If you're asking these questions and yet really want to move with God and know and enjoy Him, that is what you're dealing with too.
Everyone deals with these in different areas, depending on your influences and what things entered into your heart via "your gates" (eyes, ears, mouth). We're a "piece of work" as the world would call it. Not to lose hope! God knew all of this and can use it to His glory as you enter into the life of an overcomer (by His Spirit)! He wants to turn you around and turn you into His "piece of work". He specializes in lost cases (as the world may call them) and turn their (yours and my) life into a thing of beauty. It seems like a long road now, but if you don't give up and
when you "hear" on the inside something that you somehow "know in your know-er" will move you (even one step) closer to where God would begin to reveal Himself, you're on that path. It doesn't matter if it has all of the trimmings of a defeat (Let's call it godly "drama"). Don't give up!
Whatever happens, don't stop fellowshipping in church! Don't let the enemy separate you from His Body. God had me in one church for about a year or a year and a half, then He moved me to a storefront church! Man, the power of God was there! He's not limited to that, but
be open also to visiting churches and even in one meeting, God can work something special from His toolbox of the Spirit. He's got anointings we've never seen and sometimes these little visits allow Him to break out a tool of the Spirit that's specialized and just for you!
... i really think about it i just don't seem to get it like others do.
This was EXACTLY my story too.
Would you say a person is a believer if they have no problem saying who Jesus is and why he came down and what he did.
You need to learn how to exercise your faith where you can say and declare before God, Jesus, all the angels and devils, "I am a child of God!" "I am not my own!" "I am forgiven and bought by the Blood of Jesus!"
"He is my Lord!" (Not just "Lord"). When you can stand up on your own feet in opposition to EVERYTHING you're feeling and thinking about it (in faith), then you're on the "holy highway".
Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. If you're a new believer (not even sure of that, just like I was), then you need the "sincere milk of the Word"). You're probably choking on some of it. You might even be reluctant to get into it because of that, but start with the foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God. With who He is (to you) and get that built into your spirit. Your job is to get the Word into you (that's why I recommend the Hagin faith books). It worked wonders for me when NOTHING else seemed to help.
...i full well understand why Jesus was sent to earth and i say i believe it but do i believe it in my heart?
Don't second guess yourself. If you want to be of the truth and are drawn to Jesus, you've no doubt heard the call of the Good Shepherd. He's the only reason you care about this. People don't seek God "on their own, no matter what they think.) The enemy won't draw you to Him.
No one can come unless the Father draws them (the enemy used to use this for me to second-guess God that's why I had problems... because I wasn't really called). The enemy is a liar! J
esus said that He would in no wise cast out those who come to Him. He has received you! If you came in sincerity (don't try to slice up who you are). If you wanted Him and believe who He is and what He did, and desire Him, He will in no wise cast you out. That is the Word of God.
Your job now is to fight the good fight of faith. (That's exactly how the Lord led me.) I finally believed that He would and DID receive me already (past tense) and
He led me to some Kenneth Hagin books on faith.
You know what? God was in those books because in spite of every well intended opinion I ever heard by anyone, none of it had ever gotten past my head (actually the stronghold in my mind) and
ONLY the Holy Spirit as I meditated on the Word of God as I read those teachings ministered LIFE to me for the first time! It was a gifted, anointed teacher, teaching something the Lord commanded him to teach --- FAITH!
It allowed the Holy Spirit to confirm the Word with signs following (on the inside). Little by little, but let me tell you when you're fighting the darkness, and a little light shines, it's bright! I kept reading and pursuing and God kept encouraging me to have faith, seeking Him, believing that He received me and drew me to Him, and NOW, I've enjoyed some wonderful fruit of peace and love and POWER, that
I can confidently tell you (sticking my tongue out at the stronghold!) that God can get past all of this and feed your spirit man. All of the self doubts are NOT of God. If the man who chooses (your inner man) who he will say "YES" to is "GOD!" then you're already on the right track and what is left for you to do, is to
feed on the anointed Word of God and give God something to work with.
It's time to get ticked off at the devil and say: "I'm tired of doubting if God even loves ME (because it's not really happening), and wondering why this seems to steer me AWAY from really entering into God, and I'm going to dare to believe it's only the DEVIL (they are real) that is preventing me.
I'm going to do what I can and find out what it takes to start believing GOD no matter who it harelips!" (I'm encouraging you, not yelling at you here.)
Stand up for yourself against the enemy! Go get some of those books on faith and show the devil who's really boss! (God) When you're on His team, you and He are the MAJORITY and He WILL guide you PAST all of this mess!
Get some of these Kenneth Hagin faith books (God's not limited to this, but having been in a very similar situation, I can attest that the Holy Spirit agrees and ministers from them) and
do what you can do to begin contesting what these strongholds of doubt and unbelief are waging within you. When you do get past this, things will really begin to accelerate in your life in the spirit realm, and in your walk with God. !!!
(Don't let this slip!)