Did you let them go?

[Willowbrook]

Hello everyone~

I'm new to CF, and glad to find this particular section. Looking though it a bit, I see some are in early stages of grief, others later. I lost my husband several years ago.

I'm wondering from those who have gone through it, how close you've stayed with your in-laws. Before I relate too much detail, I'd like to hear if you stayed close, and how close.

My prayers are with all of you, that you continue to know God's strength and comfort.

 

[Missinyou]

My wife of 30 years has been gone only a little over a year so I can't tell you how it will be seveal years down the road, especially if I should remarry, but for now it is as if she is still with us. In fact I just came back from a seven day Alaska cruise with her family. Her brother became one of my best friends over the years and her passing has not changed that fact. At this point, I will forever consider them my family...and as they said shortly after she had died, it was not her that made me part of their family, it was me. I have seen a lot of people who, even though they were technically part of the spouses family, they would never be members of it.

 

[Willowbrook]

My wife of 30 years has been gone only a little over a year so I can't tell you how it will be seveal years down the road, especially if I should remarry, but for now it is as if she is still with us. In fact I just came back from a seven day Alaska cruise with her family. Her brother became one of my best friends over the years and her passing has not changed that fact. At this point, I will forever consider them my family...and as they said shortly after she had died, it was not her that made me part of their family, it was me. I have seen a lot of people who, even though they were technically part of the spouses family, they would never be members of it.

For quite awhile after my husband's death, his family and I (and children) stayed very close... it was 'healing' to do so... to be close to part of the one we loved.

My children are almost grown and out of the nest... and I wonder now, as you eluded to, how it will be if another relationship comes into my life.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

It's been 2 1/2 years for me, and I am very close to his family, as for the most part they are all the family I have. Although even in this time frame they have let go of me a little. They still consider me part of the family, and SAY they are open to me having another relationship. Some I believe and some I don't. I will do whatever God leads me to do. In the beginning I could not imagine EVER being married again. Recently I thought, maybe if God brought someone really great into my life, maybe I could be married again. But my kids are not grown yet, so I would like them to be grown first. And I have decided to be content with where I am now in God's plan for my life. I think his family will be as close as you want them to be.

 

[Missinyou]

Memories said it all when she said his family will be as close as you want them to be... If another person comes into your life, you will have to split yourself between the three families...yours, your past in-laws, and your new ones..and how you do that will be entirely up to you and your new husband. I think of how big a balancing act it was during my life with Patsy, and how much larger, or perhaps smaller, an issue it will be if I add a third value to the equation. I think there will be a whole lot of problems that arise with finding a new mate and that's just one of the small ones.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Memories said it all when she said his family will be as close as you want them to be... If another person comes into your life, you will have to split yourself between the three families...yours, your past in-laws, and your new ones..and how you do that will be entirely up to you and your new husband. I think of how big a balancing act it was during my life with Patsy, and how much larger, or perhaps smaller, an issue it will be if I add a third value to the equation. I think there will be a whole lot of problems that arise with finding a new mate and that's just one of the small ones.

I agree with that!

 

[Honibee]

I'm looking forward to following this thread, as I am in a similar position of possible future relationships.

Like Memories, for the longest time, I too could never picture myself with someone else. It's still awkward for me to consider it, when I see so much of my late husband in the faces of our sons. We've kept a close friendship with his family, more for the sake of the grandparent / child relationship.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm looking forward to following this thread, as I am in a similar position of possible future relationships.

Like Memories, for the longest time, I too could never picture myself with someone else. It's still awkward for me to consider it, when I see so much of my late husband in the faces of our sons. We've kept a close friendship with his family, more for the sake of the grandparent / child relationship.

It's still hard for me to imagine also. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it, if I come to it.
God has my best interest at heart, so I am trusting in him.

 

[JeanR]

It has only been 9 months for me, but I have stayed in touch with my husband's family. I have always had a good relationship with his siblings, but I cannot say that about his parents. I never lived up to their expectations. Out of respect for my husband and the fact that they are my children's grandparents, I will stay in touch. In time, however, I will distance myself and that is by choice, whether I meet someone new or not.

 

[Missinyou]

I feel fortunate because I have two best friends in this world. One is my older brother, and the other is my brother in law...and I don't see that ever changing...no matter who I meet. One thing that I have discussed with my brother in law is that it will be harder to find someone new because they are going to not only have to be compatible with my family, but also Patsy's. Life was good before because our two families were very compatible.

 

[JeanR]

I envy you that relationship with Patsy's family. I've always had a good relationship with Terry's siblings and they have really stood by me during this past year. I've always wanted a good relationship with my parents-in-law, especially since my own parents have been dead for quite some time, but that relationship never developed.

I guess I'm at one of those "crossroads" in life. I can continue holding on to people who have made it clear that I am not "one of them" or move on. I can continue holding onto hurts or let them go. Old habits are hard, but I want to live. I think the best thing that could have happened to me is to be written out of my in-laws will. They go me that push to go. I will stay in contact because they are my children's grandparens and despite their treatment, I still do care about them. But, I will not allow them to control me anymore.

 

[c1ners]

It's been almost 20 years since the death of my Danny, and I'm still very close to his family. We don't talk as much as I'd like, but we are still very close. It's would have been Danny's 47th birthday today, so I'm sure I'll hear from them today.

I have remarried. But just as Danny will always be my true husband, his parents will always be my true in-laws.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNY! I love you!

 

[Missinyou]

It was always a tradition to spend Thanksgiving day with Patsy's family, and I continued to carry it on last year. They called and asked me if I was coming and of course I said yes. Was it tough, the first one without her....? You bet...especially when it came to making teams for Pinoucle..odd man out again thing, you know. Only once during the day did I have a break down and that was during the playing. I just bowed out to the bathroom, but made an escape to the outside. We were on a ranch so there was lots of places to walk around and look at and places to shed tears without anyone seeing me. I got things under control and went back inside and continued to play...but they all knew I had not gone to the bathroom...but no one said a word. Will I go again this year...I have already made plans to work it into my vacation schedule. Will it be tough again...I suppose...but I'm sure it will be easier than last year... There is that issue with a new mate... Will she have traditions like that? Who will give up what...? Lots to consider when beginning a new relationship.

 

[JeanR]

Since I don't have any family, except for some cousins in upstate Pa, we always went to Terry's parents for every holiday. I have continued doing this up to this point, but I plan on backing out of this ritual. I will still visit them on the major holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, but not the other holidays like the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day. I want to spend some time upstate with my cousins and I was never able to do so because Terry's family was so dominant. And, I would like to take advantage of long weekends to go places like the shore. Terry's family is odd, they make sure you know that you are not one of them, but they still want to control everything you do.

Well, I have already broken my promise to myself that with moving on I will stop bellyaching about Terry's family. Looks like old habits are truly hard to break.

 

[JeanR]

c1ners
Thank you for your compassion in your posts. You have been very encouraging to me.

 

[rjoymac]

I think it all depends on how close you were it start with.

 

[Missinyou]

I think it all depends on how close you were it start with.

rjoymac, we can say all we want to, but what you said pretty much sums it up right there. That's about the best answer of them all.

 

[CRASH2008]

My husband went to be with our Lord July 1, 2006. At that time his family consisted of his parents, 3 grown children, spouses and grandchildren. His younger sister preceded him in death as a young child. Less that 90 days after he died my father-in-law died. I took my mother-in-law back to her home from the out of state funeral. I talked with her about options for her to not stay alone.

Due to physical location we were never "close close" but I love her and I know she loves me. As she is in her 80's I will not abandon her. I have to manage the relationship as I have a mother, grandchildren, my own adult child and a fulltime job.

Only one of my step-children is a believer. She and her husband are probably the closest family to me emotionally. We can share a lot of things that the other two children do not care about.

I do not plan to drop my grandchildren out of my life should I meet someone else and become involved with them nor do I plan to drop my mother-in-law.

My late husband's female cousins stay in touch with me regularly and I am included in family reunions.

If God puts another man in my life I will not abandon my mother-in-law and I will not abandon my step-children and grandchildren. I would not expect someone I became involved with to abandon people if the tables were turned.

I also consider how I would feel should something happen to my brothers before my mother died. I would not want my sisters-in-laws to abandon her.

Why can we not expand our families and enlarge the circle? We do this when we include others from Church who might otherwise be alone. What kind of testimony is it to our spouse's family if we pull back.

I said should God choose to put someone in my life - if he does that person would know this up front. I think the spouse's family has already gone through enough loss, why put them though even more of a loss by pulling back. NOW if they decide to pull back - that is a different story.

We cannot force ourselves on others family or otherwise.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree. My husband's family is pretty much all I have and lately they have pulled back. But it's been 3 years for me and I am OK with it. I would never force myself in anyone's life, and IF someone wants to be in my life, they would have to understand how much I loved my husband of 25 years and not be jealous of it.