Did the hard thing....

[Yasha]

Well, I haven't been around much. Back in college, just don't have the time to be here. I miss you and remember your kind fellowship fondly.

I did a very hard thing last week. It may have cost me a very high price.

Last February, during recovery from drug addiction, a family member confessed having sex with another family member to me. I was appauled. Apparently it was consentual and both were adults at the time. Concerned for the state of mind of the recovering and suicidal addict, I kept my composure and went on about the business of ushering them through recovery.

So, now it is October....last week, still September, I decided I couldn't live with the burden of needing to tell them my hurt, confusion, suffering and anger over what was done. We are an incest family. There is a history of multiple occurences of this plague on our group with adults from the past, none by me. Nothing current, that I know of, still occurs....until this. I was so devastated by this new news that I was heart broken for months.

Finally, a few weeks back, in a first encounter with the other incest participant since learning of the news, I was frozen! I felt none of the previous love and affection for her that I had known in the past. I wanted to rip her head right off her shoulders! I know she doesn't know I was told of the incest. She spoke of the family member who confessed this to me, in a way that she had before. Suddenly I knew of the vying and positioning and coy gaming she had been doing to me, in my ignorance, in the past in efforts to extract any info she could from me re: the family who had confessed to me. I was disgusted. To me, she was a predator. I was hardpressed to contain my loathing. I escaped the encounter in unseen tears.

I lived with this for 3 weeks....barely. I was so torn up inside. Finally, after MUCH struggling,I called the family who had confessed their involvement to me and insisted that she be told that I was aware that the incidents of incest had occurred. I said that I couldn't accept her talking to me about this other family member the way she had. She needs to be curbed from her brazen attempts to manipulate me and extract information.

Of course, my insistence was poorly received. But, I did not back down. I can not function in this family with that one preying on me in conversation, ignorant of my awareness of her ploys. I was told that this was my fault for allowing it to hurt me by the family member. A formula answer derived from the recovery program they particiapate in. I reminded the family member that _I_ was not the one who brought this into our world and that I still had to deal wth everyone, though they had 'run off ' to be separate and use their fragile sobriety as a reason, (valid or not).

The cost for standing up for my beliefs that this whole business harmed them both and hurt me, is rejection. I haven't heard a word from the family member since. It is possible I never will for a LONG time or maybe ever. They have used rejection and running and exhile of me before when I stand for what God would want me to stand for. I am against the secrets, the lies, the betrayal and the incest itself, the lack of boundaries on love and the secracy required of me to other family members.

The price of living in this group never ceases to be notched up yet another rung on the pain scale.

I really really love this family member. I forgive him and her, but I can't deny my grief or pain and I can't bear to suffer further by her tongue and games.

The pain is enormous. Please pray for me, for him, for her.

God has told me to turn my back on him. God has never told me to do that to anyone before, no matter what their sin. I don't want to obey. I also am afraid not to obey. I am very grieved and really inadequate to understand what is going on around me....AGAIN. God must be very angry to tell me to turn from this dear one. I am so sad I could die.

When does the pain stop.???? How did Jesus DO this loving of all of us broken people???? I don't know how anymore. I am so sad.

Thanks for reading.
Love, Sha

 

[thepianist]

Sha, you will be in my prayers. May God bless you with His peace and comfort. He knows that you stood up for what's right - and that's really what matters. God bless you dear.

 

[Jcsogls]

Well, I haven't been around much. Back in college, just don't have the time to be here. I miss you and remember your kind fellowship fondly.

I did a very hard thing last week. It may have cost me a very high price.

Last February, during recovery from drug addiction, a family member confessed having sex with another family member to me. I was appauled. Apparently it was consentual and both were adults at the time. Concerned for the state of mind of the recovering and suicidal addict, I kept my composure and went on about the business of ushering them through recovery.

So, now it is October....last week, still September, I decided I couldn't live with the burden of needing to tell them my hurt, confusion, suffering and anger over what was done. We are an incest family. There is a history of multiple occurences of this plague on our group with adults from the past, none by me. Nothing current, that I know of, still occurs....until this. I was so devastated by this new news that I was heart broken for months.

Finally, a few weeks back, in a first encounter with the other incest participant since learning of the news, I was frozen! I felt none of the previous love and affection for her that I had known in the past. I wanted to rip her head right off her shoulders! I know she doesn't know I was told of the incest. She spoke of the family member who confessed this to me, in a way that she had before. Suddenly I knew of the vying and positioning and coy gaming she had been doing to me, in my ignorance, in the past in efforts to extract any info she could from me re: the family who had confessed to me. I was disgusted. To me, she was a predator. I was hardpressed to contain my loathing. I escaped the encounter in unseen tears.

I lived with this for 3 weeks....barely. I was so torn up inside. Finally, after MUCH struggling,I called the family who had confessed their involvement to me and insisted that she be told that I was aware that the incidents of incest had occurred. I said that I couldn't accept her talking to me about this other family member the way she had. She needs to be curbed from her brazen attempts to manipulate me and extract information.

Of course, my insistence was poorly received. But, I did not back down. I can not function in this family with that one preying on me in conversation, ignorant of my awareness of her ploys. I was told that this was my fault for allowing it to hurt me by the family member. A formula answer derived from the recovery program they particiapate in. I reminded the family member that _I_ was not the one who brought this into our world and that I still had to deal wth everyone, though they had 'run off ' to be separate and use their fragile sobriety as a reason, (valid or not).

The cost for standing up for my beliefs that this whole business harmed them both and hurt me, is rejection. I haven't heard a word from the family member since. It is possible I never will for a LONG time or maybe ever. They have used rejection and running and exhile of me before when I stand for what God would want me to stand for. I am against the secrets, the lies, the betrayal and the incest itself, the lack of boundaries on love and the secracy required of me to other family members.

The price of living in this group never ceases to be notched up yet another rung on the pain scale.

I really really love this family member. I forgive him and her, but I can't deny my grief or pain and I can't bear to suffer further by her tongue and games.

The pain is enormous. Please pray for me, for him, for her.

God has told me to turn my back on him. God has never told me to do that to anyone before, no matter what their sin. I don't want to obey. I also am afraid not to obey. I am very grieved and really inadequate to understand what is going on around me....AGAIN. God must be very angry to tell me to turn from this dear one. I am so sad I could die.

When does the pain stop.???? How did Jesus DO this loving of all of us broken people???? I don't know how anymore. I am so sad.

Thanks for reading.
Love, Sha

Hi Sha

Man what an unbelievably difficult situation for you to bare. Sounds like you have a family similair to mine. I find out facts about my family (parents and brother) and everytime I think I heard the end. Something else comes up down the line, I get thrown what seems to be a wicked slider and the cup overthrows with my garbage.

As if your situation wasnt bad enough before hearing of this. Now its a whole new plate of, feelings, emotions, decesions. If God is telling you to turn your back on someone then I would do it. Obeying God is the first priority. Is it easy for us humans to do all the time certainly not. We will always think in certain times that we have the better way or answer, fact is we dont.

Your in my prayers and so is your family

In Christ

Rich

 

[Yasha]

I really have no choice but to stand for the right thing. I am not feeling 'good' about it, though. This is so horribly painful.

I appreciate your words of encouragement. I am afraid I will be needing lots of those as this continues to unfold. My husband has been surprisingly 'there' for me in all this. I guess this is a pain that he 'understands' and therefore he is a great comforter in this. Usually, my complaint its that he is too cold and removed. The whole thing has brought out an interesting reaction of extending comfort in my husband.....that's VERY unexpected.

I feel bulldozed and numb and raw and fruitless. I feel like all I have ministered to my son was for nothing. He grew up to be an addict like his Mom and an incest person like his grandfathers. I am accomplishing nothing. My beautiful poet Christian son, has manifest every ugliness we have tried to leave behind us. He is 'worse.' It's not like he was a little boy being forced...he's a man choosing this. I could just DIE!

Jesus must be soooooo sad. He already knew this would happen, all those times I held that little boy while he cried over the pain in this family. All those hours of consoling him and prayer and listening.....yet, he chose this! He has learned nothing. I am fruitless and useless.

I keep thinking of that verse,

[font=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]Proverbs 22 Read This Chapter[/font][font=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. [/font]

WHAT HAPPENED???!!! How could he miss how IMPORTANT it is not to do this AGAIN?!

I hate him for tearing me like this. As, I'm sure you realize, I don't really hate him, I hate his choice, his weakness, his rebellion, his ugly hearted selfishness....I am done in by this pain. What are the people thinking who DO these ugly things to others? They both make me nauseous!

This is me being low-born and crumbling into anger's grief. Sorry.

Thanks for your prayers. I wish i had some encouragement coming from inside me, instead of this cesspool of disappointment and grief that is overflowing from me.

God deliver me from these surroundings and as SOON as You can, take me home. Not suicidal, just tired. Tired of the crap that I married into. Tired of a heart going numb. Tired of the ugliness that engulfs me. Tired of this whole subject. HOW DID JESUS WALK THROUGH THIS PLACE????!!!

He SURELY is an awesome God!. May He somehow be glorified in this. Amen.

 

[shazabella]

Sha

Don't appologise for the way you are feeling atm its a huge shock and I will continue to pray for you and your family in this nasty situation. During this time of isolation just remember that you are never alone you always have God with you and he can help you thru anything. You are not useless or fruitless and all of our hard work will be for a reason which God will reveal when he is ready. Hang onto God and hang onto us as well. It may have been a hard choice but sometimes you have to make them for your own sanity and well being.

for you Sha

- Shaz

 

[Yasha]

I appreciate you taking the time for these kind words.

AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE OUTFIT!!!!

A LITTLE BEAUTY TREATMENT< HUH!?

Be well.
Sha

 

[luv4godremains]

Hey Sha, I'm praying for all three of ya! I'm soo sorry you are having to got hrough this, it isn't fair on you, or anyone else in your family. I hope you begin to feel better soon. luv ya loads!

you questioned how Jesus walked through this, he had God right by his side, and so do you!

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”​

 

[llexA]

I don't know what to say except that I will keep you in my prayers and hope for the betterment of your family.

 

[Yasha]

Thank you. I don't know what to say, either. You are doing soooo much by praying for us. I really appreciate it!....more than I can write out.

Love, Sha

 

[ozman]

Precious Sister in Christ, you must follow the dictates of your heart. Forgive them as God will forgive them if they ask. If you feel uncomfortable around them shun them. When they ask why be truthful. Most important, you must follow the dictate of GOD--whatever HE wants you to do. We read in the Bible where GOD commanded whole tribes to be wiped from the face of the earth for their evil ways. I, sometimes, don't understand all this only that we MUST obey GOD's will.

Father bring peace and harmony and joy back into this loving and caring family. Let your wisdom intercede and direct them in your path. I pray for this expecting in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior...Amen

 

[Yasha]

I am, as I said, not around as much and college is VERY demanding of my time.

I just wanted to touch in here and say thanks for the prayers.

My son KNOWS that I forgive him. He would not have called me so many times this past week during his need with the addiction struggles if he didn't. And, of course, I had a lot of oppurtunity to be there for him and repeatedly express my acceptance for him, for who he is to me and not for what he does.

Parents KNOW the truth of the Lord's fatherly love for them, that crosses ALL obstacles to continue on.

I have not been struggling so much with the loving of him, I struggle more with the need to turn my back until he finds repentance within himself and lives out the full consequences of his separation from God by his choices.

I mostly need to try to stay out of God's way!

That endless, undying, eternal love....sometimes we are required to stand by in silence and let the consequences fall where they may....THAT IS WHAT IS HARD.

With his cousin, I am still struggling. Our bond was never really formed into much before this happened. So the reflexive forgiveness muscle does not kick in with her....the anger comes right to the top for luring him into this position and calling it love. I forgive her because I know that she is a victim with issues and her own whoas. but, i well up in anger when I see her....I am working on PRACTICING FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness is of no use as a concept that doesn't turn to action.

With my son, the thing that is biting me the most is the recognition of God's absence from his voice. I think it is a direct result of this sin and others that he has fallen to. I know that only repentance from his heart will heal his communion with the Lord. I try to be an inspiration for that end...

I learned something SOLID in all this.....

It was never the love between us that sustained our relationship! It was always the the love shared by the Spirit in each of us that made our relationship so satisfying. I know that this understanding will serve me well in the future. I know that like never before and from no previous lesson.

One gem in the mine of darkness was yielded. Maybe more will come, too. If not, that one is plenty for me.

Be blessed, Sha

 

[Yasha]

I talked to my son on Monday. It was the first relatively normal and comfortable conversation we have had for months.

Saturday night I was missing him so bad. I intentionally called his cellphone when I knew he was least likely to answer it so I would get his voicemail. I left a long and heartfelt message. It was peppered with a few mentions of how I felt sad and was disappointed that his lack of contact with me had begun to convince me that he must have determined that I was one of the people who made him "sick.' Sick, as in stuck in the repetitive cycles of addiction. I made it clear that his lack of contact with me was the reason I was beginning to believe that. I know he has cut people out of his life in the past for only two reasons. He is actively using, or he decides that those people make him "sick." Hoping that he is indeed continuing with the motion toward recovery again, since his most recent cry for help from crack use 3 1/2 weeks ago, I am assuming that I fall into the 'sick' arena.

As I said, that was the smaller part of the voicemail I left. The majority of it was the lighter hearted news of the people who love and miss him....events, happenings,etc. Then I hung up and felt a little purged. I know he could just delete the whole thing so it is less confrontational and more of a blind reach toward ...SOMETHING.

Funny thing is I felt odd. I realized that that was the first time I had been free to share anything that wasn't all about him and his recovery with him since like July. That never dawned on me, until I was finished and reflecting. He sure has become tunnel-visioned into himself!

So, Monday, I had to call him to tell him of something urgent that arrived in the mail. He gets little to no mail here, but this thing was obviously urgent. So, I called again at a time that he shouldn't be picking up the phone. He answered, with enthusiasm...puzzling?

We talked for a good while, apparently he was parked outside a business waiting for his boss to come back to the vehicle....timing. God knew that.

He said that he is withdrawing from all girls and family on the recommendation of his counselors. He is such a mess that they are advising it. AGAIN he has so destroyed himself....sigh. He assured me, convincingly, that he is not rejecting us or abandoning but doing what he is told, since he feels so completely lost. He said he has been compiling a letter to explain his position, that he finds feedback in spoken conversation too challenging right now.....sigh....My heart so breaks over the way he damages himself in this grief over his life.

So, we lightened up a lot and I told him of my new web site that I launched this week for college courses and the involvement I was inviting from the family to help with content and images. I said I was sorry he hadn't been included, but...I haven't been able to get anywhere near that in conversation.

He said that his counselor had been urging him to pick up his poetry again...to which I say AMEN! I told him it is the healthiest thing I had ever known him to do. Apparently, the counselor agrees. He says he was reading some from his last rehab stay, all of which he has allowed me to read when he got out, it is GREAT stuff. He said that he can't BELIEVE that he had been in such a spiritual place just 6 months ago! He doesn't even remember these things he had written.

I said that I felt like he had turned somewhere.

I guess he's turning back now. The love and God were in his voice this time....in his voice!

My heart is renewed in what God is doing. I am glad to have been obedient through one of the many difficult summers in my life with him and turned my back as God had guided me. Now, he is getting up again. This time without me. This time with God?

Maybe. We'll see. I beg you ask the Lord to show favor on my son and his counselors and all those who are helping him limp forward. The incestuous family we live in does do such damage to the most beautiful and sensitive among us. May the Lord's Mercy and favor gain dominion and reign over all our days ahead, for His glory, amen.

 

[luv4godremains]

I'm praying, it's great to hear that you had contact with him and felt some release afterwards! God bless ya Sha!