Did I do a terrible thing?

[Learnin'2-4Give]

My boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago. He told me that he has no feelings for me at all. (This was 2 weeks after I told him that I loved him). The only positive thing he could come up with about our entire relationship was that "you're a very nice girl". He wouldn't/couldn't tell me what was wrong.

After the breakup, his friends were very upset with him and still aren't speaking to him. I tried not to get caught up in this--I tried to accept it, but I couldn't believe I meant nothing. Then, his best friends wife told me that she saw him staring at her 19 year daughter in a lusty way. The daughter was freaked out. This set off a red flag to me about an incident he had told me about losing a teaching job.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I had his computer at my house as I was trying to fix it for him and I decided to go snooping through it. I went through all of his "cookies" to see what kind of websites he had been surfing, etc..... He had nothing bad at all in his computer (no--he didn't erase stuff before he brought it to me--there were items from the previous owner still in the hard drive and he doesn't understand computers at all). There was nothing--no porn, no pictures, no questionable websites. Nothing.

I've also been checking his email everyday. I can't seem to quit doing this in spite of the fact that I know how very terrible this is. I am normally a very good and honest person!

Now, I feel terrible for doing this. As someone who has been abused in the past, I just had to know. But, believe me, this is not something that I would normally do. I'll be giving him back his computer in a couple of days, but, I'll still be able to access his email from my computer. How do I stop this?? Does the end justify the means??

--Learnin'2-4Give (but obviously not learnin' fast enough)

 

[allieisme]

Umm..Hmm
I would say the end of your relationship does not justify in any way shape or form for you snooping through his whole computer. That is very sneaky. *AND* what the terrible thing is, you did it to catch him doing something wrong, and you found him doing nothing at all wrong. IMO you need to tell him what you did and that your able to access his email, that way he can change his email account password.

 

[bliz]

Be honest with him. When he gets his computer, say to him something like "Would you do me a favor and get a new password? After you broke this off I was hurt and angry and I did some snooping in your computer and in your e-mail. I am very sorry that I did. I know it was wrong and I should have respected your privacy. Would you please forgive me? And, just to make sure I do not do it again, willyou reset your password?"

I suggest this course of action because I'm afrain that you, like many of us, would be tempted to check his e-mail again in the future. It will be a little embarassing, and he may not respond graciously, but I still thisk that will be the right thing to do - right by him, but also doing the best thing for yourself.

(BTW - you found no porn in his cookies, which is really surprising. My work has me often doing research on the internet and I have stumbled into porn sites while searching the most innocent of topics. It is very easy to do without ever intending to do so, and it can be even harder to get off the page! So, if you or anyone else ever checks someone's cookies and finds a porn site, don't automatically think the worst of them. Besides, the really savy users of porn would se their computer not to save cookies.)

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

I do intend to tell him to get new passwords.

I would like to clarify that he was fired from teaching school when he was accused by 2 students that he had fondled them. He says he didn't.

He does really seem to have a problem with looking at young girls and I don't mean just teenagers. What I am trying to say is that I have concern that he is a pediphile.

I did tell his best friend what I did. He said he has suspected this of him for many years because of how he acts around the girls at church.

I was sexually abused by a pastor 12 years ago. The same pastor raped a 13 year old confirmation student in our church. This subject is a very troubling one for me to deal with and hits very close to home. If there is anyway in my power that I can prevent this from happening to a young girl (or boy), I will do it.

Yes, I guess I am trying to justify my actions. What I did was wrong. I acknowledge that. But, I am also intelligent enough to know that just because I found nothing in his computer, doesn't mean he does not struggle with this issue.

I do feel terrible about it and will ask God for His grace and forgiveness.

--Learnin'

 

[Maharg]

Hello Learnin'

Sorry to hear about all you have been through in your past and recent times. This must be bringing back very painful memories for you. I can understand why you might have wanted to look through his computer. I don't really know what to suggest about your concerns about this man. From a biblical perspective, if you act in honesty and out of love, then what you do from here will be blessed.

There are two issues, I guess: seeking forgiveness for trying to find about this man in an indirect way; and worries that he might actually be a paedophile - and is there a good and honest way for you to address this.

I don't feel qualified to give advice about this. The only thing I can suggest is to find a Christian who you can trust and respect to advise you on what you should do if anything. You need to speak to someone who does not have an emotional involvement to this issue and who is removed from the situation, and who is a good listener. I hope there is someone like that around for you to talk to.

Hope this helps. Have said a quick prayer for you.

Maharg
xx

 

[Yitzchak]

I would not put it so strongly and say that you have done a terrible thing......What you did is unwise in the sense of building a better relationship for the future.....
if the relationship is really permenantly over, then building for the future becomes a mute point........I would advise against admitting to him what you did becauase if he said he has no feelings for you, yet dated you for four months, he sounds like he may not be sensitive or considerate about your feelings in general and not very honest in his motives either......Just my opinion from the info you have given.....bottomline, you don't trust him as far as you can throw him, which is why you did what you did in the snooping and why you are having fears about him.....so you don't want to open yourself up to hurt from a man you don't trust by telling him what you did.....
far better to cut your losses and move on with your life....cut all ties to him and put him in your past.........your snooping tellss me that you have some special needs in the area of trust when it comes to relationships and this man is giving out warning signs that he is untrustworthy and would test even the most stalwart of trusters. You need to look for a relationship with the type of man who wears his heart on his sleeve and can't fake out anyone to save his life.......My father in law is that way...he has several faults and everyone knows what they are but everyone who knows him , knows he can't keep a secret to save his life.....
everyone has strentghs and weaknesses...if you have trust issues, you need someone who is strong in that area and will give youa safe relationship in order to heal.....perhaps you can tolerate other types of weaknesses better in areas where you are not so wounded...... because no one is perfect but best to find the right match for you....

 

[KleinerApfel]

If someone in the UK is concerned about a particular child's or group of children's welfare, they can phone the NSPCC, or Childline for advice, (as can a child for themselves.)
Do you have similar resources in the USA?

I don't know whether they are able to help when there isn't a specific child at risk, but they should be able to advise you anyway, and I think you need to talk to someone who has wisdom and experience in dealing with such issues.

The fact that this man's best firend told you he's suspicious is particularly worrying.

About the issue of looking at his private email etc. I don't know that it's essential to mention it, it might be or might not.

Give your self time and prayer anyway.
You can urge him to change his passwords anyway - it's advisable for anyone to do this regularly anyway, and as you've been advising him regarding his PC that's all part of the good advice you give him.

God bless, Susana

 

[Risen Tree]

Boy it takes guts to admit to someone who just dumped you that you snooped on him. Anthing you do or say is liable to drive the knife further in. I hope it goes at least somewhat well....

 

[Caelum]

Concerning the eMail thing, why? Move on, it was a 4 month relationship, I dont know the severity of your feelings towards him, however, apparently; they weren't mutual. Find someone else who will better appreciate your feelings

 

[Stanfi]

While checking out his computer, was invasive of his privacy, I can understand what you are going through. When you put your heart and soul into a relationship, and it falls apart, without much reasoning, The mass amount of confusion leaves a desire for understanding. Sometime you just need to know. I have been there and done that. I have been in situations myself, and took criticisms for my actions, but I did not regret it, because I felt that I needed to understand for my own sake.

The only thing you can do is put and effort to move on and let him go. Ask God to help you and time will heal your heart.

 

[James Barnett]

Get rid of your computer and buy a new one, (wow that's extreme) or at least tell him so he can get a new e-mail account. My father used to tell me "does it hurt when you do that?, then don't do that." God Bless!

 

[TheMainException]

Hmm...you could admit it all to him and have him change his password...or change it for him. Yes, it was wrong, and now comes the hard part, living up to what you've done and asking for forgiveness.