Did anyone else live a like this?

[Fire for God]

You cannot receive love if you hate yourself. Fact of life.

You also hate yourself. But that's something you already know. In fact, you're extremely self-aware.

That's one step ahead of not knowing yourself. But then you can take another step. The higher you go, the better your situation. The better you can see things.

Know this: Death does not end your suffering. Life doesn't end your suffering either, but it gives you the chance of joy. Think about it, a dead lion is worse off than a life mouse. The mouse can eat cheese. He can smile to himself. He can scurry in and out of his little hole. Sure, the cat can get to him. He might ensnare himself on a trap one day. But that's a whole lot better than the dead lion. He can't even dream of hunting, or being hunted for that matter. Everything ceases on the deathbed. You can't even feel sorry for yourself then.

I don't understand how it feels like for a best friend to steal your girlfriend. I don't get that. I can't get how it feels to see the eyes of your beloved in every other girl. I cannot relate to how it feels like to have every girl you like hate your existence.

Probably no one on earth will understand. You are you. Your life experiences are unique.

Can you understand how my friend struggles with why his parents divorced?

Can you understand how my neighbour feels like when his divorced dad comes to visit him with his own children and wife?

Can you understand how it's like for this autistic kid I know to not be able to express himself, and be misunderstood by virtually everyone around him?

Can you understand how that homeless man in my neighbourhood has to labour everyday for a morsel of food, be looked down on every other person on the street, and stink like rotten fish and yet not know it? He probably won't get a mate in his life. His chances of getting one are probably lower than yours. His genitals may not even function well anymore.

Pardon me for my rudeness. But fact is this: your circumstances, your past, and your habits do NOT define you for who you are. You are trapped in an infinite loop of unhappiness and despair? I felt that too. I was thinking the exact same things as you. Granted, my circumstances and past was different, but I was stuck in the same loop as you were.

I was being foolish! I was looking at my past. I was being an idiot. Shouldn't I just look in front of me and move on? But I couldn't! I wanted to end my life but I can't. I felt that if I died I would go to hell. I felt that if I lived, I will die in a few weeks time and go to hell. I felt that whatever the case, suffering and torment was right before me. Life is pointless. Death is pointless. Hell is all there is.

But there comes a point where you say to yourself: so what? So what if I have been given a crappy lot? It can't be worse than that homeless man (although it does feel worse; feelings are not truth). And even if I'm homeless so what? What I have, I make do with it. Be faithful with small things, and you can manage bigger things. I tell you something. Girls go for guys who let go of their baggage and make the best of whatever they have. It's a struggle. It's difficult. It's what makes you manly. I'm not asking you to discount your past completely. I'm not asking you to forget it overnight (you can't! I cannot either, and it haunts me at times.) But what you can do is look at the potential. What can you do? Do it! Can you smile? Smile! You don't feel like it? Who cares, you just smiled, you just overcame your unhappiness (even though it feels fake), and you just broke the loop.

Can you write? Well, sure you can. You're posting here. Go write something. Tell a story of someone. Make it purposeful. Don't dwell in your own sadness. Imagine how someone else is feeling. Go write it down. Maybe imagine another person in your own circumstance. Feel pity for him. Think of what you can do to help him. Go write it down. Just get your mind off yourself and your pain! The best way is to use your pain for a good measure. You do that, you break the loop.

You get back into the loop? Do something else and break it again. I'm a sour face. The moment I think about myself and my past I get a sour face. I do something to break the loop, and I can smile and be happy.

You know, when you can give value to yourself, you can give value to others as well. You know that? I'm sure you do. You're smart. And when that happens (may take weeks, may take seconds, may be both), I tell you, girls will be attracted to you. You can give value to them. So by then, letting them come close and be your friend will be doing a favour to them. You won't be pushing them away anymore.

Think about it man. I don't care what you think about God now. You are awesome. You don't feel like it, but you are. Just think about that.

 

[explodingboy]

Do any of you know what it feels like to have your best friend take away the girl of your dreams? Not only did my friend do this online, but she already a had a boyfriend, yet my friend just got it all for free.

Yep, less than a week after I'd attempting to ask her out and got the whole I'm never going to date again lecture from her.

Do you know what it's like to see a girl with the same eyes as the girl that was taken away from me when I'm trying to forget? Do you?

Yep.

You know what it feels like to be looked down upon and ridiculed wherever you go?

All my school years

Know it feels like to have EVERY SINGLE girl you ever liked to somehow magically hate you and despise your existence?

Yep, and I can tell you you'll realize your fooling yourself.

Whenever I feel attracted to someone, I automatically feel bad for that person, therefore I push myself away from women in an attempt to do them a favor. I'll probably end up alone forever because of this. I don't fear the consequences of this, so don't tell me I should do so.

People tell me "death won't end your suffering". Neither will living, so that means I'm in an infinite loop of despair and unhappiness. Yeah, that's some great "god" you guys got goin' on here.

Heard it all before, In the nicest possible way nothing sounds outside the realms of teenage angst.

 

[serephim01]

OK OP just for a second, ignore the "find god" and "don't blame god for your short comings hur hur" posters. They have no idea what you are going through. Just forget their blind postings for a bit. Listen to someone who has tried to kill herself many times. I understand what it feels to be a outcast, picked on, called out among so many others for ridicule. I was in the closet in school but still was called out for it many times. I exploded, I tried to kill myself many times during my school years up til a few days ago. You don't need God to find a reason to live, tho for me it really helped.

So you haven't found the girl for you. Hell I didn't find a boyfriend til I was 20 and it only lasted all of 2-4 weeks. It's hard to remember but it was brief. YOU. WILL. FIND. SOMEONE. I promise you this! Just because you had a few failed relationships doesn't mean you should end it now! Please, please please try to find a reason to live. It's really hard to find a reason but you will find yours. Life is hard but as the song goes, "It can't rain all the time" and this is true. Sooner or later the darkness lifts and you find a reason. Please just give it some time k? I know it hurts, life hurts, love hurts. But. There are also the good moments, when you are with that person. When you meet them, it will happen I promise you. Maybe not in the time frame you want but it will. There is always something in life that will bring you down, it's the special things that bring us up when we need it.

 

[JesusSaved]

No, I can't relate to all of your experiences NTP. Just like you can't relate to mine.
Though I did have a period of being ridiculed in school. You can trust me on that. Teens/kids can be cruel. They find their target just so they don't become a target. Some take this philosophy into adulthood. I also lost my best friend from J.R High over a series of misunderstandings and betrayals.
I'm not saying that I don't get your nihilistic views. I'm not saying your pain isn't very real. Like having your very core taken out of you, am I right?
But now you are hearing from other people, each with their own stories and painful pasts, some of them who attempted suicide, some who shut down, some who used up every paper in the house and wore out every pen just to release their feelings on paper.
And we are all still here, living our lives and going foward.
I know you're not that kid anymore. But you still a human being that deserves life. That should count for something.

 

[serephim01]

Just to say it now, I was not referring to Jesussaved when I was talking about the not listening to others. Just a couple of people who made comments that should not have been made in this thread towards someone who is feeling so down.

Nottooimportant, the name is so wrong because you are important... Please just listen and if you need to, PM me or heck anyone here you feel you can relate too. I will try to respond to it asap. Bout to pass out but when I wake up believe me I will help you in any way I can. Vent on me if you need to, there will be no repercussions. Just please don't hurt yourself. It's just not worth it, you have so much you can offer the world if you just try. I know you don't believe but I will pray for you. I hate seeing people get so down because I know how it feels. Just PM me and let all your frustrations out. *hugs*

 

[NotTooImportant]

Despite the fact that I hate my existence, and that I hate my dumb parents for entering me in this world, I am grateful of the helpful intent of everyone's posts.

Unfortunately, I'll never have "a big dose of god" because I have no proof he exists. I'm talking serious -20% proof right now.

 

[serephim01]

That's something you have to find for yourself but for the moment live for what you can. It's not something you can explain away, I don't want to sound corny and preachy but about a week ago my best friend who is struggling with her parent's lack of acceptance over her coming out she said she was going to commit suicide. She told me this over MSN. As soon as she said it she signed off. I didn't even get a chance to talk to her. It was just boom "If I don't come back it is because I have ended it all." I was in shock, I was terrified that I would lose a best friend and to be honest if she would have I probably would have too because I don't have many friends atm. All my friends are over IM. I prayed like I had never prayed before, I've never had much faith to begin with but this changed things somehow. She signed back on after 3 hours. I had cried for so long and prayed so hard my head was aching. I didn't sign off til she passed off that night.

My point is, sometimes it's just the really small things he does. My faith is not your faith, you have to find it yourself and if you don't you still have to live. This is the only life you have, whether there is a point or not, afterlife or no. You do make a difference. I would hope that I made a difference in people's lives somehow. Hell it seems my only real purpose in life at the moment is to try and help people with this somehow. Outside of that, I am a jobless transgender mess. I still have to try. It's all I have in the end. My life. My friends. My hope that there is something better out there for everyone.

Sorry I hope that wasn't too preachy hehe.

 

[explodingboy]

Despite the fact that I hate my existence, and that I hate my dumb parents for entering me in this world, I am grateful of the helpful intent of everyone's posts.

Unfortunately, I'll never have "a big dose of god" because I have no proof he exists. I'm talking serious -20% proof right now.

Well if you want my tuppence, a big dose of god wouldn't even necessarily help you out anyway. Some things honestly take time to improve, and it can take a lot of soul searching to find your own answers to lifes many miseries.

That's something you have to find for yourself but for the moment live for what you can. It's not something you can explain away, I don't want to sound corny and preachy but about a week ago my best friend who is struggling with her parent's lack of acceptance over her coming out she said she was going to commit suicide. She told me this over MSN. As soon as she said it she signed off. I didn't even get a chance to talk to her. It was just boom "If I don't come back it is because I have ended it all." I was in shock, I was terrified that I would lose a best friend and to be honest if she would have I probably would have too because I don't have many friends atm. All my friends are over IM. I prayed like I had never prayed before, I've never had much faith to begin with but this changed things somehow. She signed back on after 3 hours. I had cried for so long and prayed so hard my head was aching. I didn't sign off til she passed off that night.

Been there more times than I care to remember, it's never any fun. Worse than anything is the feeling that you've just lost the energy to take such threats seriously anymore.

My point is, sometimes it's just the really small things he does. My faith is not your faith, you have to find it yourself and if you don't you still have to live. This is the only life you have, whether there is a point or not, afterlife or no. You do make a difference. I would hope that I made a difference in people's lives somehow. Hell it seems my only real purpose in life at the moment is to try and help people with this somehow. Outside of that, I am a jobless transgender mess. I still have to try. It's all I have in the end. My life. My friends. My hope that there is something better out there for everyone.

Sorry I hope that wasn't too preachy hehe.

Didn't sound preachy at all to me.

 

[NotTooImportant]

Yeah...

I think my life went on long enough.

 

[janman345]

Your only 20 years old, I did not get laid until I was 22. You cant become a bad a** alpha male by the time you are 20 (unless you are born into it), also most high school woman are bone heads, high school is the time for women to shine they can date around without consequence and dump guys left and right because its inconsequential, in the real world its a more even playing field especially if you become an alpha male, you dont need to be the capt of the HS foot ball team to be a high power lawyer (look at al bundy lol), some women get high powered jobs but most do not so when they play the same game they played in high school there is more to loose. Bottom line is women want security, sure they like the cute guy with the nice butt or whatever but if you are reasonable looking with some muscle and can provide you should have no issues (I dident). Also if your not jonney depp rolling in a ferrari then you probably wont have a ton of luck dating a woman who looks like she just came off the cover of maxim, there are plenty of women who feel like you do and want a man.

Also when you are dating online you dont intruduce women to your friends until she is firmly your GF (especially single friends), I never believed in this group dating buisness, if im dating a woman I dont want there to be the potential of an awkward conversation segway to my "friend", like they find out they both went to the same school or something and your friend totally dominates the conversation, why even invite him and allow for that potential.

Also if they start into the feminist crap, drop them like a hot potato.

 

[JesusSaved]

Lived your life long enough? What if there's more out there for you? What if you get a really good job, or travel somewhere, or find a new hobby or interest? What if you make decent friends or meet a glrl that deserves you? Aren't you curious about the potential good possibilities in your future?
I hope that you eventually get to a place where you do believe in God again. For me, I feel like I always have someone on my side. But if you're not ready for Him, I get it. The last thing you need is to get pushed into something you're not ready for.
You told us all about the bad crap, and I am so sorry that you had to endure that. But what about the good? What are your hobbies? What's your favorite food? Favorite t.v show? Favorite book? Season? What used to make you happy? Do you have any pets? Dig a little deeper. There's a person beneath the pain.

 

[NotTooImportant]

What if you make decent friends or meet a glrl that deserves you?

Sorry to say, after all the dumb crap happening to me with any female being. I'm probably unconsciously sexist now.

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

look man I don't know if you ever read my last post. You gotta be open! I may be preaching "God" to you, but don't think that I don't know how you feel. I use to suffer, being a Agnostic not knowing who to follow, and I was an existential Nihilist (nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism which argues that life[1] is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value)

I thought life wasn't worth living, that we are all literally dust in the wind, here one moment gone the next day, that I have nothing to work for because it all adds up to NO value, no lasting..believe me...I understand.

In regards to your comment about how awesome our God is for letting you feel miserable in this life and then not leave that suffering afterlife, well your wrong. He is great, he offers a way to end all that suffering after life...you just choose not to take it.

I dare you to explore the scriptures.



















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[NotTooImportant]

Here's what I'll do. I'll try to live a full-length life. However, I'll just stay away from women for the entire lifetime. Women can come to me instead (won't happen), because I'll never go to them. If I see any of existence of a god, maybe I'll change my beliefs.

 

[JesusSaved]

Great choice VIP, (that's what I'm referring to you as now) I truly hope and believe that some amazing girl will find you and fall in love with you.
Until then keep acting confident (even if you don't feel it) Keep focussing on attainable dreams and goals, and when you're ready, trying praying to the Big Man Upstairs. Get excited for your life again, even if it's over the little things ( I can't help but feel good when I'm out in nature, or when I induldge in a bag of chocolate covered pretzles)
Keep posting on these forums too. (big hug)

 

[serephim01]

So happy to hear VIP. Yes I agree with Jesussaved. That is a far better name for ya. It's wonderful, just take life by the stones and do what you can k? It's all we can do. *hugs*

 

[T.C.Christian]

I hope you open your heart up to the Lord and follow his word.

 

[NotTooImportant]

Great choice VIP, (that's what I'm referring to you as now) I truly hope and believe that some amazing girl will find you and fall in love with you.

I appreciate your optimism, but no girl will ever approach me:
1.) I'm not good looking.
2.) Not really a girl's job to do the asking.

Other than that, I'll try to keep going.

I hope you open your heart up to the Lord and follow his word.

When I have proof he exists, I will do that.

 

[janman345]

I appreciate your optimism, but no girl will ever approach me:
1.) I'm not good looking.
2.) Not really a girl's job to do the asking.

Other than that, I'll try to keep going.

When I have proof he exists, I will do that.

You need to take steps to make yourself bad a**, women dont want to be with someone that is wimpy and may not be able to care for her. Start lifting weights, join martial arts, get a degree or training in something manly (auto mechanic for automatic transmissions, diesel mechanic, engineer, doctor, welder, etc). And start pursuing a woman, craigslist works well but you do have to sort through a significant number of b*t*hs.

 

[NotTooImportant]

You need to take steps to make yourself bad a**, women dont want to be with someone that is wimpy and may not be able to care for her. Start lifting weights, join martial arts, get a degree or training in something manly (auto mechanic for automatic transmissions, diesel mechanic, engineer, doctor, welder, etc). And start pursuing a woman, craigslist works well but you do have to sort through a significant number of b*t*hs.

Sounds like a horrid waste of time. Sorry.

Career success > women