Devastated

[LoveJC9]

no offence, but it doesn't seem like your pastor is "discipling" very well. I don't think this is a good or healthy situation for you to be living in the same house as you have feelings for him and slept with him and he's got a drug problem, while you have got a daughter. He obviously used you and took atvantage of your feelings for him. You and your daughter are both better off if he leaves. Since you refuse or deem yourself unable to take care of the situation yourself by either leaving or letting the guy leave, I think you need to take it to your pastor. Have him deal with it, and find a different living situation for either you or the other guy.

I can't blame my pastor for my mistake. He can't babysit people 24 hours a day. So, it isn't that he isn't discipling people well. This was a decision I made not him. If someone really wants to do something they are going to find a way to do it.

I can't judge him for having a drug problem I am here for the same reason. I have just been clean for 18 months now, that is the only difference.

 

[Im_A]

My daughter was gone for the summer before any of my latest events came up. I wasn't saying she left because I am a basket case. All the girls her age in church are spending the summer in the country with a family that has all daughters, horses, four wheelers, a pool. It would be no different than her going to summer camp.

What does it look like to others? What kind of perception does you current situation give?

Plus, its rather convenient that this happened don't you think? Bam, this whole situation comes about. Bam, there goes your daughter. This situation that your in, isn't something new. You've come on here and talked and talked about it.

So the appearance of it, is a bit convenient and not that good. Even with you saying that you didn't just hand her over, so what? It doesn't change your situation or the appearance of it

Yes, my life is screwed up right now, but I am not a horrible mom. I love my daughter more than anything in this world and would do anything for her. I didn't just give her away.

Why are you trying to justify yourself to me? Your the one that is telling us the situation. I'm no one to justify themselves to. I read, I respond.

I'm done here.

I hope you do something better for your life than what your doing. If not for yourself, for your child. Your child deserves better. You deserve better. Take care!

 

[jameseb]

My daughter was gone for the summer before any of my latest events came up. I wasn't saying she left because I am a basket case. All the girls her age in church are spending the summer in the country with a family that has all daughters, horses, four wheelers, a pool. It would be no different than her going to summer camp.

Yes, my life is screwed up right now, but I am not a horrible mom. I love my daughter more than anything in this world and would do anything for her. I didn't just give her away.

No, of course you didn't. No, it makes perfect sense what you have done, and knowing what I know it was in your daughter's best interest that she did live elsewhere for now.

Still, I think you should speak to your pastor about the relationship between you and this other guy. I don't know if there is another woman in the house, but he shouldn't be allowed to prey on women, particularly when they are going through such situations.

 

[LoveJC9]

I'm done here.

I hope you do something better for your life than what your doing. If not for yourself, for your child. Your child deserves better. You deserve better. Take care!

Good! Because you really have no clue what you are talking about. There are a lot of details that you know nothing about, so you have no right to sit here and tell me what a bad mom I am.

Just so you know the whole reason I am here is for my daughter. I am trying to get my life back together for her.

 

[Keri]

no offence, but it doesn't seem like your pastor is "discipling" very well. I don't think this is a good or healthy situation for you to be living in the same house as you have feelings for him and slept with him and he's got a drug problem, while you have got a daughter. He obviously used you and took atvantage of your feelings for him. You and your daughter are both better off if he leaves. Since you refuse or deem yourself unable to take care of the situation yourself by either leaving or letting the guy leave, I think you need to take it to your pastor. Have him deal with it, and find a different living situation for either you or the other guy.

I agree. It should either be a mens only house or a womens only house. Having a mixed-sex house for people with OBVIOUS impulse control problems is not the best idea. There's something not right about this entire situation and I've said that from the beginning.


I'm not sure where you live, but you should consider getting into U-turn for Christ. It's a program that helps those with addictions and has a non-cult like program. I've always thought the program you were in was very cultish.

Here's a link. Home Page click on the locations tab. Call them and explain your situation, they might be able to even help you with transportation.

The thing I like most about U-turn is that they have a men's ranch here in California and a women's ranch. Both mens and womens group volunteer at the conference center that I worked at (which was also the location fo the bible college I atteneded) and the groups are kept seperate.) The men aren't even allowed to really talk to the women and vica versa.

Anyway, look into other women only recovery homes. That place you are at is not the only place in the world.

 

[jameseb]

Why are you trying to justify yourself to me? Your the one that is telling us the situation. I'm no one to justify themselves to. I read, I respond.

I'm done here.

I hope you do something better for your life than what your doing. If not for yourself, for your child. Your child deserves better. You deserve better. Take care!

I'm not sure this is the best way to address her in this situation, Im_A. It sounds condescending even if that isn't the intent, and I don't believe you have all the facts. From what I know, she did what was in her daughter's best interests.

 

[Im_A]

I'm not sure this is the best way to address her in this situation, Im_A. It sounds condescending even if that isn't the intent, and I don't believe you have all the facts. From what I know, she did what was in her daughter's best interests.

I don't care how it comes across.

If it is condescending, than it is condescending. If it isn't, than it isn't.

I backed off from the discussion because there's no reason to respond 'kindly', 'graciously' to LoveJC9. She goes and opens her life in an impersonal manner on the internet, and then goes and says I don't know anything about the situation and then there's a manner to respond to a situation like this? What other ingredient didn't she tell us or what other manner should I respond?

This is a woman that moved in with some pastor, who takes in strangers which means she took her kid there with her, so happens to be either former or recently 'reformed' drug addicts, people who wasted life away, she has sex with him(one of the strangers), in the house that the pastor opened up to her out of the goodness of his heart, and then the daughter is now forced to stay with someone else because the parent can't make any good choices?

Give me one reason to show an ounce of kindness to this situation! Just one. You Christians should know what 'tough love' is all about.

Plus I backed out, because the more this story goes on, the more I lose respect. She's just an internet poster, nothing more to me. Yet one thing I HATE is to see how parents screw up their lives and then the children have to be affected.

If anyone including you has any comments to me about this topic, please send them via pm. I'm not responding to this thread after this post.

 

[jameseb]

~ edit~

I'm not going to get into an e-fight...


LoveJC9,

Please just ignore the post above.

 

[white dove]

It should either be a mens only house or a womens only house. Having a mixed-sex house for people with OBVIOUS impulse control problems is not the best idea. There's something not right about this entire situation and I've said that from the beginning.

Yes.

I'm afraid I side along with what you are saying and what Im_A is saying. Huge error on the pastor's part to allow this living situation to come about in the first place. Any abuse outreach brought on through churches that I've seen have always been same-sex. And there is good reason for that.

I also agree that there is a time and a place to be comforting and warm fuzzies with people, but this situation is beyond that... and has been for some time. When I first read your posts, LoveJC, I wasn't left with a really good impression of the situation at all. True, we all don't know what it is like to live where you are currently living, but we go by much of what you say (and you do say quite a bit).

You appear to reach out to people here for advice, but as Keri said earlier, you don't take heed of any of it. If anything, the situation gets worse and worse -- admittedly, by your own doing. God didn't make you to be this way. God has made you a strong woman. Be that strong woman. You've been going clean a really long time. You have tried to make the most of a living situation that is just not working for you anymore. You clearly have talent (with regard to photography); you are not an unskilled person. You can try to gain employment and try to develop a sense of independence and autonomy, which you so desperately need. Start building a life for you and your daughter and stop remaining in a situation that can only lead to further co-dependency and harm. You're not a baby... and yet, you appear to want to be coddled along. You are not at that level anymore. You may still need counsel when you leave (should you leave the compound), but in no way should it be a hindrance to your own growth as a person.


I am with Im_A. I'm pretty much done here and I don't mean for that to sound cruel. There really is no cruelty on my part. I actually care. I don't know you, but I care enough to be posting to you. But, you need to have some of this sink into your head because it sounds as though you have been taught to depend so much on other people; the only one you need to rely upon that heavily is God.

 

[LoveJC9]

You can't fault my pastor. The man takes people into his home FREE to help them and has for almost 27 years. There are no womens places in the area that are free. That is the only reason he will take women, he realizes that women and men hook up. There are rules that we aren't supposed to be alone. Something just happened. I am not blaming God. I know this is my own stupidity.

My daughter had already had plans for the summer, it wasn't something that just happened.

I thank GOD for my pastor and his family. By the way I have known them for close to 10 years and his daughters baby sat my daughter when she was young, so they aren't strangers to me. If more people would open their homes up to help people there would be many more disciples of Christ in this world.

 

[kevlite2020]

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

JC, I love ya and I want to see good in your life. But if you stay in this same situation, roofed under the same house as a guy who has such control over your life and your emotions, nothing's going to change. You are going to continue in this destructive path, and even worse, you will become a victim of his destructive path as well. I know you want to see the guy turn around and break free of his struggles with drugs, but look, you can't help him. Because of your situation, and your feelings for him, you cannot do anything to help him with his struggles. It's time to stop worrying about how you can help him and time to start worrying about how you can help yourself.

You need out. Or you need to get him out. At the bare minimum, you need to talk to your pastor about all of this. Things can't stay the same, you'll only head downhill faster and faster.

 

[Rhye]

Here are my thoughts if you like to hear it.

And I am going to regurgitate everything, everyone said in a different way.


There are places to help women who are abused, physically and emotionally. You say if you leave then you would go back to your ex-husband. I don't believe that for a second. There are places to help women like you to get through this time. Why don't you take free time and try to find places so that you can leave? There were links provided in this thread as well.
Spend the summer looking for a job somewhere, a good place for your daughter to go to school, etc. I know a lot of single moms who do this all by themselves, and I believe you are strong enough to do this as well.
You also have such strong faith in God, and what He can do to help change people. Then live the words that you speak! It will be hard, but you can get through it.

James said he is cancer, I say he is a toxic waste.
You love someone who is eating away at your body and soul.

I also agree with Lioness. You should look into getting therapy. It will help you and especially help your daughter in this situation.
She might not know what is going on personally, but I am sure she senses something is wrong with mom. She is the innocent person in this situation. Give her the mother that you are and will be to her.
And please start loving yourself. You are worth being loved and loving, with the true idea of what love IS. Not a toxic waste that looks like love but is not at all. Stand up for your life, and who you are. Stand up for what is good and right and True. Stop living a lie that you have placed in your head. You are more then that. Always.

God bless you LoveJC9. Know that you are in my prayers.

 

[leothelioness]

LJC, do you have a job/bringing in any sort of income?

 

[Apollo Celestio]

I don't care how it comes across.

If it is condescending, than it is condescending. If it isn't, than it isn't.

I backed off from the discussion because there's no reason to respond 'kindly', 'graciously' to LoveJC9. She goes and opens her life in an impersonal manner on the internet, and then goes and says I don't know anything about the situation and then there's a manner to respond to a situation like this? What other ingredient didn't she tell us or what other manner should I respond?

This is a woman that moved in with some pastor, who takes in strangers which means she took her kid there with her, so happens to be either former or recently 'reformed' drug addicts, people who wasted life away, she has sex with him(one of the strangers), in the house that the pastor opened up to her out of the goodness of his heart, and then the daughter is now forced to stay with someone else because the parent can't make any good choices?

Give me one reason to show an ounce of kindness to this situation! Just one. You Christians should know what 'tough love' is all about.

Plus I backed out, because the more this story goes on, the more I lose respect. She's just an internet poster, nothing more to me. Yet one thing I HATE is to see how parents screw up their lives and then the children have to be affected.

If anyone including you has any comments to me about this topic, please send them via pm. I'm not responding to this thread after this post.

I sense more you looking down on her, rather than ignorant tough love. You did the right thing staying out of it.

 

[deepgreen11]

Sometimes love just isn't enough...you also need respect. If he can't treat you with respect, no matter how much you love him and/or he loves you, it needs to end. Period.
You've got to love yourself. Be clean for you. Get your life together for you. Not just for your daughter. You're worth a lot more than you're getting. I'll be praying. Christ loves you and I love you with the love of Christ, as my sister.

 

[LoveJC9]

LJC, do you have a job/bringing in any sort of income?

No, I have no job, no car and no income. I also have no family to lean on right now.

I have looked into other places to go but I can't go with my daughter. That makes things much harder for me.

 

[leothelioness]

No, I have no job, no car and no income. I also have no family to lean on right now.

I have looked into other places to go but I can't go with my daughter. That makes things much harder for me.

Okay, well, I was just going to say that seeking some kind of employment -- even if it is a part time/minimum wage job -- would be a great first step. That way you can start to save up to eventually find a place of your own so you can 1) be independant and away from the circumstances/people you're around and 2) have a safe, secure environment for yourself and your daughter. Not to mention the amount of pride and sense of accomplishment you would feel being able to have that freedom and being able to provide for your child.

I hope you allow this to sink in a bit and know that I will be praying for you in this matter.

 

[xuxana]

No, I have no job, no car and no income. I also have no family to lean on right now.

I have looked into other places to go but I can't go with my daughter. That makes things much harder for me.

how about a women's shelter for the time being? it's not a hopeless situation if you look at the bright side. you are alive and you have a baby girl to take care of. do some research and be strong. if not for yourself, then for your daughter.

 

[LoveJC9]

Okay, well, I was just going to say that seeking some kind of employment -- even if it is a part time/minimum wage job -- would be a great first step. That way you can start to save up to eventually find a place of your own so you can 1) be independant and away from the circumstances/people you're around and 2) have a safe, secure environment for yourself and your daughter. Not to mention the amount of pride and sense of accomplishment you would feel being able to have that freedom and being able to provide for your child.

I hope you allow this to sink in a bit and know that I will be praying for you in this matter.

I did support my daughter 100% on my own until the last year. My last job I was making $45k a year. So, I haven't always depended on someone else.

When we came here I had to get away from everything and everyone I was around. So, I quit my job, moved, disconnected my cell phone and changed everything. I didn't have a choice at the time.

I have been talking to my pastor about going back to work. I have to have them help me because of where we live there is no walking to work or even taking a bus. For a cab to come out to get me and take me into town would be very expensive. So, I am dependent on them as far as transportation for now.

He is leaving soon from what I understand. That will make my life much better, unless of course I am pregnant, then I have no clue what I am going to do.

 

[leothelioness]

I have been talking to my pastor about going back to work.

Well, that's a good start. I still think that maybe you should find a women's shelter somewhere that would be closer to public transportation and job opportunities. They would probably be more able and/or willing to help you as far as securing a job. Sounds like right now you're out in the boonies and disconnected from society which isn't good at all.