Devastated my husband left me

[devastated]

But would a good Christian man really want a divorced Christian to be his wife?

 

[BlueJay83]

But would a good Christian man really want a divorced Christian to be his wife?

sure, why not.. If they are that judgemental they aren't good enough for you anyway.. so consider it a good weeding out process to find those who have a good heart and non-religious mindset.

i'm a soon to be divorced Christian and I'm sure there is someone out there that would like me. ...at least I hope so anyway... I would re-marry a divorced woman for sure... if I felt she was what I was looking for.

Your future is bright...

 

[Cute Tink]

But would a good Christian man really want a divorced Christian to be his wife?

A good man would look past your divorce.

 

[GuitarMia05]

But would a good Christian man really want a divorced Christian to be his wife?

Of Course! I've seen many instances where Christian friends of mine have married divorced spouses before and they have outstanding Christ filled marriages. Remember, Christian or Not, we are all human. We are going to make mistakes regardless of what we believe... As Christians we should strive to not sin, but we are not perfect it's going to happen, but lucky for us we have a forgiving God who forgives us of our sins. Keep Christ as your focus and he will guide you in the right direction for your life, even when it feels like there is no direction at all.

 

[devastated]

Hi everyone, lately I've been having some problems with anger. I'm just so so so very angry with him. And I get angry with other things and other people over such small things. And I'm finding it really hard. I know that I still love him, and I would still take him back. But, I am so angry and when I think of him most of the time I only think of him badly and call him all the bad names I can think of in my head. I just feel that I have all this anger inside me and I don't know what to do with it and how to get it out. I have written him a letter that says how I feel. Some of it is good stuff about how we were, and how I think he should give us another go, and how I love him. And other parts is me being angry and calling him names and accusing him of things (of which I am 90% sure that he did). And i want to email it to him. I feel like he has to know how I feel for me to get some closure. But I also feel bad for being so angry - and sometimes so mean in the letter - even though it is probably justified. (not that being mean is justified, but I hope you know what I mean - in that he has been horrible to me). I just find it so hard to love someone so much and hate them so intensely at the same time. And to see the good in a person and then realise that they have treated you so badly - like you are nothing. Can anyone offer any advice?

 

[Camalinda]

You are going to feel angry, off and on, for a long time most likely. Something that helps me is to remember that anger is a secondary emotion. It is easier to feel and express anger than it is to feel and express hurt, betrayal, sadness, etc. Those emotions are scary and can be so intense we do everything we can NOT to feel them!

The Bible says (paraphrased) "In your anger, do not sin." I do not see how you are sinning by writing a letter you don't send, or feeling anger towards your husband for what he did. If you were to throw a rock through his window because you are so angry, well yeah, that would be wrong. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to keep writing down how you feel. Find a trusted friend or therapist to talk to. But I would not send the letter. Not yet anyway. I think you will not feel good about it in the end and it might be used against you somehow.

Take time to grieve and feel sorrow for what you've lost. It's painful but it is beneficial to do it now and not just pretend you aren't hurt and then deal with more emotional problems down the road.

Again, I am really sorry for your pain and the betrayal you must feel! I know it's beyond difficult some days.

 

[ProudMissouriDad]

Devastated, I am glad you posted on this forum. You are not alone in your journey. I hope to offer some words of encouragement. I have been there before, and find myself in a similar situation now. It is gut-wrenching to have someone check out of a marriage that you gave your heart and soul to, and when they do hurtful things and continue by decimating your pride, reputation, bring out your insecurities and have you second guessing on what you may have done. I did that for years, but some people/personalities that we find ourselves with are very temporary, and THEY change - can manipulate, turn things around to make you look like the only one in the wrong, etc.

To me it feels as though I was trampled on by a team of horses, and I am face down in mud, trying to get my point across, justify why I am right and others are wrong, wishful thinking that things will work out, and when trying to get the last word in I realize that I need to take this to God. In times like this, taking our needs to the alter, our Father, puts it in His hands to judge the unjustly. The alter can be figurative - the bed, desk, floor, stairs ... shower.

I encourage you to NOT dwell on the past and your ex-spouse who was unjust .. the anger will tear you up emotionally and physically. Be thankful things did not continue ... give this to God.

I agree with Camalinda - , OK to be angry (mentioned OFTEN in the Bible, but do not sin - which is the hard part - to not retaliate/get back). I encourage you to:

1. Express your loss - it is fine (and in my case humbling and healthy) to cry like no other while you bring your grief and needs to God with individual prayer. Repent.
2. Forgive your ex.
3. Get out of your house/apartment/flat/villa and socialize with other Christians (with group prayer).
4. Seek some (primarily) forward-looking faith-based counseling. A good friend of mine lifts me up by saying (after I have picked myself back up so to speak), instead of giving all of your problems to God, let your problems know that you have a big God! Yes, indeed.

Don't worry about the little things you did or did not do during your marriage ... your journey will lead you to somewhere different, and what you are feeling now will only make you that much stronger.

Just this past week I struggled with my self-righteousness to retaliate to my estranged spouse's behaviors during our contested divorce process (whilst I am also awaiting my test results for a personal, potentially significant medical condition) --- so I had to take my issues to the alter and put my faith in God and halt retaliation (yes, I did let anger get a foothold) ... and he responded. I had a podcast for some reason staring at me on the computer -- "Overcoming Emotions that Destroy" - Chip Ingram. "The Be Mad AND Good" sermon highlights:

• Watch out - being good & mad can start out OK, but you can take it too far and bleed into emotions, then perhaps you are only mad.
• Must discern between good and evil, BUT understand you may speak of truth and love, separate good and evil/wrong/unjust, but person behind the evil is a person also created in the image of God needs to be respected with dignity and be loved, and the method of accomplishing justice is just as important as the cause.
• Commanded to resolve appropriately. Resolve it before bed time. If not, Satan will use it as a foothold to destroy your life. Very powerful.
• Can start with something being unjust ... your response "yes, I am mad".
• If not resolved, anger will turn around and put hooks into you. Enemy begins to work on you. Anger also messes with your body. It also destroys relationships & will turn into a vicious cycle.
• Even if you are sinned against & unrighteously treated, DON'T let your pride get in your way- no matter how hard.
• Resolve by forgiving the other person(s) and repent.
• Letters, words need the spirit of Christ.
• If suffer for doing good, endure it.
• It is commendable to God. 1 Peter 2:21 "For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps." (NASB)
• When insulted, do not retaliate.
• When He suffered, he made no threats.
• Instead, He entrusted himself to He who judges justly.
• Need to restore a healthy relationship with God, and with each other.
• Finally, overcome evil with good!

God bless you, and may all who read this join in prayer for you. And when you are down, think of the people who could use your hands to lift them up, even in your hour of need. Thanks be to God!

 

[McScribe]

Hi everyone, lately I've been having some problems with anger. I'm just so so so very angry with him. And I get angry with other things and other people over such small things. And I'm finding it really hard. I know that I still love him, and I would still take him back. But, I am so angry and when I think of him most of the time I only think of him badly and call him all the bad names I can think of in my head. I just feel that I have all this anger inside me and I don't know what to do with it and how to get it out. I have written him a letter that says how I feel. Some of it is good stuff about how we were, and how I think he should give us another go, and how I love him. And other parts is me being angry and calling him names and accusing him of things (of which I am 90% sure that he did). And i want to email it to him. I feel like he has to know how I feel for me to get some closure. But I also feel bad for being so angry - and sometimes so mean in the letter - even though it is probably justified. (not that being mean is justified, but I hope you know what I mean - in that he has been horrible to me). I just find it so hard to love someone so much and hate them so intensely at the same time. And to see the good in a person and then realise that they have treated you so badly - like you are nothing. Can anyone offer any advice?

I know exactly how you feel. It's maddening. One thing that may help is to start seeing yourself as God sees you. Is it possible that you can accept that it was a bad relationship, that you did your best, that you were rejected unfairly and that God can bring better into your life? That God frequently does that with the rejected and poorly treated in scripture and in life?

 

[devastated]

I must say that I hate Christmas this year! I am supposed to be happily married with my husband. And its not fun spending Christmas with family at the moment. Especially when my sister is horrible and says that I'm just awful because I despise people with children. She has no idea what I'm going through! And its particularly hard to be thankful to God or to remember the true meaning of Christmas...

I have realised some things lately tho. That nothing I did justifies my husband leaving me. And that all the times when I was angry at him, it was usually because he wasn't living up to being a good husband. He turned away from the church and our friends and would come up with lame excuses to not try new churches. He didnt invite me out to things with his work friends (where his girlfriend would be). In fact, he said he would prefer if I didn't go. He hardly spoke to me at the end. He changed from a loving, God-fearing husband to someone I don't know. Although now, I think he may have been pretending a bit at the beginning. He has since told me that he had issues with the church before we got married - but he should have told me that before we got married!!! I feel like the man I married and the man I love has been murdered by this new person who is just horrible. And I only have horrible thoughts towards him. And I am still very angry... though I try not to do anything with it. Although, holding it in permanently is not good either. I just can't seem to release it at all. It never goes away.

And no one understands. I just keep getting thoughtless comments. Like "well, it wasn't meant to be then". And that is incredibly hurtful! They have no idea how much a marriage separation completely ruins your life. It has completely shattered me. And it makes me feel incredibly stupid and ashamed of marrying someone of such "low character". Someone who would leave me so easily. I am either someone who is horrible and unlovable, or just gullible and stupid.

I dont really know what to do. I just want this whole christmas - new year time to be over. And I really want to get away from my family!!! Which at the moment is not possible as I dont have a job until I finish my postgrad studies...

 

[McScribe]

I understand how you feel--the less than helpful comments like "you need to get over this" "you're just grieving right now" "it wasn't meant to be" "It kind of figures--you can learn from this". They hurt and don't help. I find that some people at best want you out of your hurt and say what they think will help that most quickly--while others are just uncomfortable. Many range between the two. The problem is that none of the comments really touch on the reality--that you believed that you had a marriage and then it was gone in a comparative blink of the eye--leaving you wondering if you were crazy or not.

Since I'm in a similar position I can say that it simply hurts, is confusing and maddening. But you are not crazy. It is shocking to suddenly have someone who claimed to love you change the way that they treat you; it is deeply wounding to have care just taken away like that. It will be hard to move on in your life. What I can say that helped me is remember this: this is not the whole of your life. Seek to see the other good in your life. It doesn't in any way take away the pain of what you're going through, but if you can remember that you have had good friendships, a good effect on those around you, you can see how this is something devastating but keep it in perspective as that--something devastating. In the Story of Job, his devastation is not the sum of his life but it is shattering and awful. Yet he is still a man beloved of God and God is still God.

This is the kind of comfort I have clung to--that there is reality outside of my own pain. I pray that you receive that peace that passes all understanding sister in Christ.

 

[Acosens]

You will be happy again I promise. I was married for three years with a daughter when my husband decided he wanted to be with someone else. I am now with someone who I could never imagine being without. It will happen for you too.

 

[devastated]

So, I've been kinda ok lately. My counsellor has helped me to realise that all the time during my marriage when I as angry it was because my husband wasn't behaving like a husband. He stopped believing in God, which was fundamental to me. He preferred to go out with his work mates and wouldn't let me go. I am still so very angry with him. I know that it is wrong, but I want him to hurt! I want bad things to happen to him. (i know thats really horrible and wrong - but i feel like i have to admit it somewhere) I want to scream at him and tell him all that he did wrong and I know that he was and is cheating on me. But I don't. and I don't really know what to do with the anger.

I've started going to a new church. But it is hard. There are a few people my age. But 99% of them are married. and it is so hard to see happily married couples. And to see husbands who are bein real husbands. Its what I want. But I feel like I will always be too angry and damaged. And it seems like all the nice real Christian men are already married. (Not that I'm looking at the moment for someone). Some days I am just in such a bad mood all I can do is sit and watch tv. And i know I should be talking to someone and feeling things to help heal, but all I can bear to do is try to ignore it. and i know its no good for me. But thats all I seem to be able to do.

 

[Camalinda]

Devastated,

I think your feelings of anger, hurt, wanting him to hurt like you hurt are TOTALLY normal!! We feel what we feel and our emotions are not right or wrong. (What we DO with them is another story...) I think you should give yourself a break and not worry about whether or not how you are feeling right now is horrible or wrong and just allow yourself to feel.

The thing is, God already knows how we feel, even if we try to hide it or stuff it down. He made us with emotions so it's no surprise to Him that we might be feeling so angry we want to see someone else hurt as they have hurt us.

Hebrews 4:15 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin."

I don't think that verse is to make us feel guilty for our feelings, but rather an encouragement that Jesus did feel all the emotions we feel, and that He sympathizes with us BUT He also gives us the power not to sin through it. You can feel angry and hurt and wish he would hurt as your sort through all this and not sin. If you decided to hit your ex on the head with a sledge-hammer because of it, well, of course then you'd be sinning.

It sounds like you are going through the stages of grief, which is very normal for all of us who have lost something significant. I encourage you to process all your emotions, as painful as it is. Are you still seeing a therapist?

I am so sorry, again, that you are facing all this. ((HUGS)) and prayers.

 

[Lilly14]

I want to start by saying I am so sorry. My husband left me too. We haven't been together and truly happy in almost 3 years. It's a long, complicated story, but I can tell you now that, though I still love him very much, I am trying to move on. It's difficult, but I am doing my best. It's hard to see him, especially when he is with his fiance, who is the woman he left me for. When I see him, I see the man I married. I don't see the hurt he caused. There is, without a doubt, always going to be that part of my heart that will love him and want to be his wife again and I'm okay with that. I thought my life was over and could not picture going on without him. I didn't want anyone else. I didn't want another man coming in and taking his place as my husband or a father to our children. I cried and felt my heart break into a million pieces everyday. I still cry, but I've accepted it. I too want my husband to hurt like I did. I know it's not right, but it's a natural reaction when someone you love, trust and made a life with hurts you so badly. I was lucky because I have an amazing family and a wonderful group of friends who helped with everything from daycare to finances. I found a church that I love and felt like I belonged from the first visit. I too found myself just sitting around. Especially at night. At the time of the day where I could snuggle with my husband, watch a movie and talk about our day, I was alone. It's still difficult for me. I try to keep myself busy with housework or getting ready for the next day. I often wonder if he still thinks of me. We tend to fight alot, mostly through texts, so most days I believe he hates me and could care less about the things I do. One of my biggest fears is that he will forget about what we once had. Even as I'm writing this it's hard to hold back the tears. It makes me so sad to think he won't remember the things we did or the places we visited, especially when he does those same things with his fiance. Even now, it seems so unfair that someone who did something so wrong could be so happy. But I know that one day I will be truly happy again the way I deserve. I have taken this time to try to become a better mom and person. I struggle with everyday things, but I'm still here. I can honestly tell you that you will be okay. It takes time. How much time, I cannot tell you. But one day, out of the blue, you will be happy again. I know I will carry the loss of my marriage as well as the love I have for my husband with me through my life , but that doesn't mean I can't love again. Today, the idea of finding love again isn't so bad.
I will pray for you and for God's perfect will for your life as I do for mine

 

[DZoolander]

Side question...Devastated...

How old are you? I'm guessing by your posts that you are probably 20...21?

The only reason I say that, and forgive me for being blunt, is that there's a definite melodramatic undertone to your posts that just strikes me as young. Eighteen months is not nearly enough time to evoke the kinds of lifelong terms you speak in.

Eighteen months is barely enough time to come to a finalized realization that "this is really bad" - let alone enough time to really and truly bond to someone to that degree (IMHO). If your marriage has runs it's entire course within that short of a duration (from bliss to end) - then maybe it's time to start looking at losing it as a positive. Things in life should not be that tumultuous - and if they are - that's a sign to run from that situation. There are peaks and valleys in life (of course) - but I think they should be spread out over a long period of time.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years now, we just had our first child, and I think we're still finding a nice groove. I hope that we continue working on it - and think that's the best way to approach things.

If I were you, I'd start realizing that life doesn't always work out in a scripted manner, in the way that we wished it would happen. What we want is not always in reality what's best for us - and reality always wins (and that's a good thing.) Lamenting over how life didn't meet our expectations amounts to no more than indulging in fantasy, and only serves to hinder us from progressing forward and finding what we truly want and deserve.

He left you? Good. Someone that was compatible with you wouldn't do that - and it's the reality of who you're with that really matters. It's far better he showed his stripes after 18 months than after 12 years. Wave goodbye, get the divorce, count your blessings, work on yourself to become a whole person that doesn't cling to other people to fill something vacuous within themselves and then find the person you're really meant to be with (that can compliment your life).

Just my .02

 

[dorig59]

Very good perspective, Ezoolander.

 

[devastated]

OUCH a bit...

 

[hijklmnop]

He left you? Good. Someone that was compatible with you wouldn't do that - and it's the reality of who you're with that really matters. It's far better he showed his stripes after 18 months than after 12 years. Wave goodbye, get the divorce, count your blessings, work on yourself to become a whole person that doesn't cling to other people to fill something vacuous within themselves and then find the person you're really meant to be with (that can compliment your life).

Just my .02

Whoo! Harsh in delivery, lol, but IMO, very true. Devastated, change your username to something POSITIVE, read and re-read the above paragraph, and know that as you move out of grief and into hope your life can improve more than you can even imagine right now. You can do so much better than your ex and quite frankly EZ is right...if that's the kind of man he really is, better him gone now than after many years and a few kids. You have your whole life ahead of you. Pray for hope and joy and peace and you shall receive it! Your life consists of so much more than this one man and it's time you started embracing all the rest of it! Rediscover your hobbies, your friends! Dream about all the things you'd love to do! If you choose to look at this phase in your life as a fresh start it can become that. (hugs) I know it's tough and you need to take your moments to grieve and feel the pain. But don't allow yourself to get "stuck" in it.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I just don't understand how God would allow this to happen

Because of Freewill. God does not force us to do anything even IF it is for our own good.

I've been thinking how huge it is to marry someone and love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them and then CHOOSE to leave them. I don't understand how someone can do that. be that selfish

What would be selfish is for him to have stayed when he KNEW he really never loved you to begin with. Hard fact to face but for the short time you describe it would seem a reasonable conclusion. Many of us let ourselves be pressured into marriage. By Parents, Peers or the perpective mate. We are not ready and truly do not desire marriage, but we lack the courage to stand against the pressures (real or imagined) and do the deed. You reference the fact there was an inappropriate relationship between your husband and another at the onset. Marriage should never take place when obstacles like these are present. You want you spouse to KNOW he hurt you. He knows, but which is greater to hurt YOU for a period of time or to hurt you BOTH for the rest of your lives?

I am not trying to diminish your pain. It is real and your spouse NEVER should have married you to begin with, since he was unable to make a honorable committment.

Even when people do get married with all the pieces appearing to be in place circumstances can arise when one or the other no longer loves the other as they "should". People can and do turn their backs on promises that they made, should they no, but do they yes. Does God allow it, yes. What would you have if God did not allow us to "change our minds" for lack of a better term? We would have loveless marriages, forced together by a being who just happens to be more powerful than us-- which is not what God intended. A marriage w/o a loving interchange breeds resentments, abuse and all manner of malady which can be just as painful or sinful as divorce.

God is LOVE. He Loves you and wants you to experience Love. Luckily He is also merciful and full of second, thrid and fourth chances (in all things).

You can not help what your spouse decided to do, and writing him a letter or confronting him will not change his decision. Sometimes you just have to let go.
Sometimes things have to fall apart in order for others to fall into place. Time will heal your wounds IF you allow it.

 

[nhisname]

Sweetie, all I can is say is even though you don't feel it right now he will never be closer to you than he is right now. Trust him. I was where you are 2 yrs. ago. I was married 36 yrs, lost a home, job, and husband all at once. I had to forgive what he did. Once I did that, things have never been better.