Despirate! Need Help!

[DIVAMOM]

Okay, I have a two-year-old son. He's the sweetest thing since sugar, and I love him to death. However, I'm ready to scream. Actually, I've been screaming, and I'm tired of it. He will not go to bed in his own bed without my husband sitting and caressing and loving on him until he falls asleep. I just don't have the patience for that, and my hubby doesn't have the time for it. Almost every night, we spend at least an hour putting him back into bed and telling him not to get up again. Then my husband gets tired and he does his routine. Most of the time that doesn't work, but even worse than that, he still gets up. So, that leaves me for the last half hour spanking and holloring that it's bed time. I'm so tired of this two to three hour routine. I'm ready to pull my hair out.

Has anyone gone through this???? PLEASEEEE!!!!! I"M DESPIRATE!!!

 

[HappyMomof4]

Oh yeah, I've been through that! When my daughter was 2 she was frightened by a thunderstorm and we let her sleep in our bed that night. Mistake. For the next month, she cried at bedtime and didn't want to go to bed...she said she was scared, and none of our talking to her, yelling at her, sweet-talking her worked. She just cried every night at bedtime. After a while, she would sneak into our bed when we were asleep and we'd find her there next morning.

We finally ended up going to a counselor, which through a connection with my mom, was free to us. This was 10 years ago and I remember her words clearly. She said, "Set rules and enforce consistent consequences. The consequence has to be something she'll hate." That very night we decided on a consequence--taking away her blankee for 5 minutes if she got out of bed. We told her that we would do that before she went to bed. So she started crying and screaming and got out of bed to come find us. We put her back in bed, took her blankee (which she was very attached to), and set the egg timer. She screamed for her blanket the whole time. We gave it back to her after the timer went off. A little while later she started to cry and get out of bed, so we took it away again. And she stayed in bed after that and also the next night, etc. We never had that problem again.

I don't know if your son has a blanket or something similar, but this worked amazingly well for us.

 

[Andy Broadley]

He's at that difficult age. You know, the one between 0 and 21.

 

[alaskamolly]

Hmmmm... I've never had that problem, but that's probably because we train them to lay down from the time they are old enough to get up... (as soon as they can pull up in their crib, a parent sits in there and gently pushes them back down, saying "Lay"...which takes up to a week to teach, but once they get it, they obey till they hit preschool stage, after which time it's no longer necessary. It helps the babies go to sleep much faster, and it keeps the toddlers in their toddler bed.


BUT, if this were my child, here's what I'd do.

I'd recommend getting a very very very good book (or a whole stack of 'em, if you're a fast reader like I am), and pulling a chair into his room, getting comfy, and reading in there 'till he falls asleep. None of the caressing stuff...just sitting nearby (with a spanking spoon in hand) and being absorbed in your book. No talking to him, other than a quick smile and saying, "No talking now, honey, it's bedtime" anytime he tries to initiate conversation.

When he gets up, you hop up and dole out a quick swat, and he hops back to bed, and back to your book you go.

The key on your part is to remain totally calm (even if you are just faking it!). If he wants to lay there and throw a fit, just ignore him. (I don't think it's good to allow a child to throw a fit, but I think it's good to work on just one thing at a time here--you can deal with fits at a later date).

This way you have a few things fixed:

Number One: you are right there, to deal with him getting out of bed THE SECOND he starts doing it. That's important. 100% consistancy is the cardinal rule of training!

Number Two: You are in the room--he can be comforted by your presence, if the issue really is fear of some sort.

Number Three: You are able to be consistant about the rule of staying in bed, but since you are comfortable and prepared to spend a couple hours in there if need be, until he chooses to obey, you are going to be able to keep your cool instead of going nuts. That is very very very important. When you blow a gasket (heehee), they learn that THEY have won. But it's not a kind of 'winning' that either side benefits from.

You need to remain totally calm and in control...which shows him that you WILL solve this issue and that you will stand your ground longer than he'll stand his. And children want to know that--if you're willing to stand your ground. It makes them feel protected and secure when they know you WILL. Even though they also enjoy challenging you to see if you really will! Heehee...

So having a good book and the mental preparation--the realization that you are probably going to spend a long time in that room for a week or two until he starts getting the hang of the new regime!--will go a LONG way in ensuring you retain your mental sanity!



I'd check out this site below for more suggestions, and really really really really really really really would recommend their parenting book to you. I think it will answer a LOT of your questions. (It's cheap, too)! There's a reason we have such a happy fun home with so many youngsters, and this little treasure trove of a parenting book is one of them! (Not that we think their word is "gospel," because it's human advice so it's not going to be perfect, but a lot of their practical ideas we've found to be just plain awesome! They are HUGE lovers of their children, advocating a house full of joy and laughter...and yet also taught them to obey ALWAYS, and I love the gentle combination of the two).


http://www.NoGreaterJoy.org



Hope this helps some!
Blessings,
Molly

 

[Zoomer]

What you need to do is stay consistent. He has learned that if he gets out of bed- that you will come in, give him more attention, and let him stay up later. That's not bad from his point of view. I would suggest do the normal bed time routine (maybe alter it a bit, so it's shorter). However, once you put him to bed, if he starts crying for you ignore him. If he starts playing with toys, removed them but if you go into his room to take something do not give him any attention. Do not talk to him or look at him. If he opens doors try to put a baby gate up so he must stay in his room. He has to learn that when you say that it is time for bed, it is time for bed.

 

[andiesmama]

I have to say that Molly is my parenting mentor now!! She always *usually* beats me to the punch by stating what I was going to say, but in a much better way....and with better ideas, too!

Andie (our 2 y.o.) doesn't really have that problem (maybe once in awhile), but we did struggle when she was like maybe 4 or 5 mo old getting her to sleep on her own. One thing I read was the gradual distancing of yourself from the child...first night, do the pat pat thing...next night (or 2), sit next to the bed & sing or whatever....next, sit in a chair across the room....then, they even said you could sit in a chair in the hall, etc....however you wanted to do it.

I agree that consistency and consequence are the 2 main things. It may be a week of your little one screaming & throwing a fit, but "This too shall pass" and everyone in the family will be better for it!

Now, when Andie gets out of bed (she's started to do the "one more drink, one more story, one more song" thing), I simply tell her that it's time to go to sleep, she can have "one more...something" then mommy is turning off the light & shutting the door so she can sleep, then I do it!! So I think that gives her a little bit of a control feeling, but she also knows that "this is it" and she's gotta give it up!!

OK, I think I've talked your ear off enough! Hopefully you can glean some kind of insight or idea from this rambling post of mine!! Good luck!!

 

[NoneyaBiznezz]

Lot's of good advice here. "CONSISTENCY" is the key!! I have three children ages 12, 5 and 3. I have been through simular circumstances with all of them. I found that by making them stay in bed and using small consequences for getting out of bed that the problem usually takes care of itself within a week or two. Once the child understands that there is no use in fighting "bed time" they usually give up and go right to sleep. Your husband, God bless him, might actually be rewarding the behavior by "loving" your child to sleep. A little crying has never hurt a child.

Just my 2c-

Peace in Christ,

-Brian

 

[bliz]

Minority opinion here!

We were huge fans of family bedding. As the family grew we shoved additional beds along side of our bed so we had lots of room, and for a short while, 5 of us in one big happy bed!

We also stayed with babies and toddlers until they were alseep. It was a big commitment of time, no two ways about it. But one of us would lay down with the child/children and stay until they were off to sleep. It was a great bonding time. Some talking, story reading, secrets and thoughts shared and lots of prayer together. Kids were easy to get to sleep in the family bed because they inew that in a little while we'd be coming to join them.

Our kids are late teens and early 20s now, and we have discussed it many times and have agreed that this is one thing we would do exactly the same way if we had to do it over again.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/family_bed.html

 

[Andy Broadley]

Insanity is hereditory. You get it from your kids

 

[Andry]

Bliz...I'm with you on the minority thing. Excellent post, thanks for sharing!

 

[BeanMak]

Excellent article, Bliz