This is probably going to be long. I apologize in advance. I’m officially at a loss.
My husband is amazing. He surpasses that word in every way, and I’m not just saying that. He’s incredible. I guess everyone must think that about their husbands or they wouldn’t have gotten married to him. If I could create the perfect husband it would be him. We’ve never argued aside from him drinking, seriously never. & when I mention drinking, he’s a social alcoholic. He doesn’t drink everyday, only on the weekends in a social setting. His problem is and always has been that he doesn’t know his limits. I do believe nothing good can come from alcohol period. He is 27 now, & I am 25. We have been together for 7.5 and married for almost a year and a half of that time.
Throughout our relationship, there was times I’d catch him lying about mostly little things that raised red flags in my head. Nothing major though (in comparison to everything else). But then about 1 year into our relationship I found out he had texted his ex gf, I “just so happened” to find that out - & even with proof, he lied to me. He had several opportunities beforehand to come clean but chose not to. There were a few different occasions like this, another time I “just so happened” to find out after a night of drinking he had messaged 2 girls at 5 am and of course never told me. Even with proof still lied. To keep this from being even longer, there were several other times like this. There was a time that I desperately wanted him to be honest with me about yet another one of these “just so happened to find out” occasions and I already had my proof, and begged him to be honest even told him I had proof and just please be honest let this be the turning point for us. He looked me in my eyes and without hesitation lied again. Anyways, from that moment I knew I couldn’t trust him. But I continued the relationship. I know how that looks on my part, & these werent all one right after another there was such big periods of amazing times in between.
December 20th he told me a girl, friend of a friend, had added him on Snapchat. I honestly didn’t think anything of it and he told me he just wanted me to know because he felt bad for accepting a friend request from a girl and said she had snap chatted him about a friend who got arrested the night she added him, again I didn’t care I mean I somewhat knew the girl and it didn’t raise any flags. I’ve never been the type to go through his phone but later on that night I did and honestly it was for no reason but I seen she had Snapchatted him at least one other time since the time he told me about. I didn’t call him out but I explained to him that I didn’t think she added him for the right reasons and said she’s gonna snap you again if she hasn’t already, has she? He said no she hasn’t and she won’t; so I asked to see his phone and then seen she had. I do truly believe this particular situation is nothing to it other than him lying and giving me half truths for whatever reason. Regardless if there was more to it or not, that situation prompted me to tell him I was going through his phone which opened up a can of worms. Just messages from his friends but several things they said picking at each other shed light on what sounded like him physically cheating on me. I couldn’t breathe. After begging him to tell me the truth he told me he kissed a girl 5 years ago at a concert. There was another thing that had happened where I just knew something happened with him and a girl and he always denied it, in that moment I threatened to call a mutual friend who would tell me and he fessed up to that one. He said he kissed her. Then I said tell me all of it, & he said they had sex. Again, it was 6 years ago, but I had to force it out of him. We had argued about it prior here and there and at one point he pinky promised me nothing happened with her and that there was nothing else for me to know I knew everything. I always found it hard to believe that I knew everything because I always found things out in unconventional/ accidental ways. I kept on and on and on and eventually he’d tell me just a little bit more then say “that’s all, that’s everything” he told me about kissing a girl at a bar out of town; then I’d keep pressing and hours later he’d say something else. I kept on and finally he told me there was one since we had been married. All they did was kiss though and that’s all. And after each thing he’d say how now I know everything, that’s all. I know everything now. That was the hardest one for him and it felt so good to have a clean slate. For days I cried and didn’t know what to do. At the time, it had been months since I had prayed for the first time in m life. I had been mad at God for something else and just there’s no excuse but that’s where I was. I prayed and begged God to show me the way out of this. I knew my husband loved me and I knew there had to be some way out of it and I knew God was the only way. And in that moment I had a plan. I would ask him to quit drinking once and for all. I wanted us to get in church. I wanted us to get “re married” & write new vows and finally I wanted him to come clean once and for all and put it all out there and I promised I wouldn’t hold it against him. I begged him for that. That we wouldn’t have a clean slate and a fresh start until he didn’t have any secrets. He again assured me I knew everything. He agreed to never drinking again and he wanted so bad to get into church and was so excited about our new vows and fresh start. A few days later I got to thinking again, and I bluffed. I felt there was more to the March thing the most recent event. So I told him one night and reminded him of the time I begged him to be honest with me because I had proof that one time and he lied to me, I begged and cried for him to be honest this time because I had “proof” again I just needed to hear it from him I begged him to be honest with me. Then he was. He had sex with this girl. While we were married; in our first 7 months of marriage. And said now I know everything he wanted to tell me that so bad and now his slate was clean and he was so thankful for that. I kept my promise of not holding it against him. Our relationship really changed from the inside out. More than that, I saw so many changes in him. I FELT he was already a different person. I can’t explain it. I knew it was only God. We had time for self reflecting and we both found ways we had went so wrong and put our marriage on the back burner and neglected it. In so many weird ways I was thankful that we had this time to realize so many things. I was excited for the future for our future. I know that sounds ridiculous but I can’t explain how on fire my marriage became. It had always been perfect and amazing to me and he’s the type of man who still gives me butterflies but this feeling was different. I felt God moving in our marriage. I still had a lot of bad nights though. We set a date for our new marriage date and on that day I was truly leaving the past in the past, and I would give all my trust to him something I hadn’t done in years and it would be a clean slate. On my bad nights he was so patient with me. Reassuring me in so many ways. Saying the most beautiful things with a look in his eyes so sincere. It’d take a long time to talk me down sometimes but he was patient. We were so passionate. I truly can’t put it into words.
Getting back into church was amazing. It was as if the pastor was speaking directly to us in his sermons. It gave us both goosebumps and tears to hear how accurate his sermons were with what we were going through and it was just unreal. One morning before church I was having a bad morning. The devil was getting at me. Telling me that if he still has secrets it’s all for nothing. The slate can’t be cleaned and reset if he’s still holding out. I had reminded him several times before this that he could tell me anything and I wouldn’t hold it against him that all I wanted was our fresh start no matter how it broke me. That morning before church I reminded him again. I told him I wasn’t accusing or assuming but if there was anything more to please please think about it and tell me that afternoon and explained how bad I wanted him to have a genuine clean slate I told him I felt like he was just telling me “enough” enough to make HIM feel better and I didn’t want it to be “enough” I wanted it to be clean slate. I couldn’t breathe when the pastor started to preach on “clean slates” and compared forgiveness to a story about a man who couldn’t sleep at night because he owed the tax collector, so one night he sent them $150 with a note that said if I still can’t sleep I’ll send you the rest. I felt like I was going to pass out even leaving church. I knew he was going to finally tell me everything. I just knew it. In the car we were silent. Then tears filled his eyes. But instead of telling me he said how thankful he was to be in church and that were right where we need to be. That night I brought up the sermon again and reminded him again that he could tell me anything I just wanted this for us, and if he didn’t tell me then I’d believe him. He assured me he had that clean slate already and I felt peace with that because he could ignore me and be scared to tell me, but surely he couldn’t ignore God himself speaking directly to him.
Tuesday, I was re reading all the messages he’s sent me recently and the one right after we decided to do all of this came up. Where he typed that I knew everything and his slate was clean it felt so good, I knew all of the worst things and he was so thankful for that and it felt so good to have a clean slate. The only issue was, he sent that before he told me they had sex. I brought that up Tuesday afternoon and he cried to me saying his slate is clean now and it does feel good and there’s nothing else at all. He reassured me for over 30 minutes. I was never mad or hostile I was so calm and just asking him to be honest. He even said “as bad as it sounds, if there was anything else I could’ve told you I would’ve told you it before I told you about March” he said he knew how bad it sounded but also it gave me a peace because he had a point.
Last night again, I had a bad night. I don’t even remember how it started. I kept on and on begging him to tell me anything else I don’t know or it was all pointless, for HOURS he kept reassuring me there was nothing else his slate was clean he’s told me everything. Then, after hours of that, I kept on just one more time and he told me he had sex with a girl I’m somewhat friends with, 6 years ago. I begged him what else, and he said that was it that I know everything. I kept on begging. He told me he downloaded a dating app one time when he worked out of town, but only messaged one girl and never met her. (Right) & I begged and said what else. I completely lost it honestly. I didn’t tell him at this particular point that I wouldn’t throw it back in his face like I had in the past so I did throw it in his face. Everyday we talked about our clean slate. Everyday he told me how good it felt, how he can feel himself changed already, how the old him is dead and gone and he wanted to spent forever proving that to me. I’ve told him anytime it was brought up that If it’s not a true clean slate then he’s destroyed me for nothing, I’ve stressed over and over how important that was and there was nothing he could say to change that that the past was the past. But he proved to me that he hasn’t changed....that he’s stil the liar. How do I look past that? Is there any getting past that? I know how all of this sounds. I know what I would think if I was the one reading this. I know love is blind but I don’t think that’s what this is. I felt like I seen actual changes. But he ignored even God. He said he was going to tell me, but he had so many opportunities. I had even told him one time that I wished he would’ve told me any one of those things the first time without me having to “beat” it out of him, that if he had it would make trusting him be a little easier and make me feel like there’s nothing more, and he said he wished he did too....but then little did I know he could’ve done it then too. But he didn’t. I’m scared of someone who can do this to somebody. Who can be so perfect. I seen a huge change in him and our marriage and I was so excited. He’s an amazing man, he is. But I don’t think he can ever be honest with me and he keeps showing me that. I’m conflicted because I believe God can heal any heart and any thing. But without trust how does my marriage go on....I know I sound so dumb for wanting to stay. If he wasn’t the person he is then this would be easy to leave. I just don’t know how a person can pretend that much.
My husband is amazing. He surpasses that word in every way, and I’m not just saying that. He’s incredible. I guess everyone must think that about their husbands or they wouldn’t have gotten married to him. If I could create the perfect husband it would be him. We’ve never argued aside from him drinking, seriously never. & when I mention drinking, he’s a social alcoholic. He doesn’t drink everyday, only on the weekends in a social setting. His problem is and always has been that he doesn’t know his limits. I do believe nothing good can come from alcohol period. He is 27 now, & I am 25. We have been together for 7.5 and married for almost a year and a half of that time.
Throughout our relationship, there was times I’d catch him lying about mostly little things that raised red flags in my head. Nothing major though (in comparison to everything else). But then about 1 year into our relationship I found out he had texted his ex gf, I “just so happened” to find that out - & even with proof, he lied to me. He had several opportunities beforehand to come clean but chose not to. There were a few different occasions like this, another time I “just so happened” to find out after a night of drinking he had messaged 2 girls at 5 am and of course never told me. Even with proof still lied. To keep this from being even longer, there were several other times like this. There was a time that I desperately wanted him to be honest with me about yet another one of these “just so happened to find out” occasions and I already had my proof, and begged him to be honest even told him I had proof and just please be honest let this be the turning point for us. He looked me in my eyes and without hesitation lied again. Anyways, from that moment I knew I couldn’t trust him. But I continued the relationship. I know how that looks on my part, & these werent all one right after another there was such big periods of amazing times in between.
December 20th he told me a girl, friend of a friend, had added him on Snapchat. I honestly didn’t think anything of it and he told me he just wanted me to know because he felt bad for accepting a friend request from a girl and said she had snap chatted him about a friend who got arrested the night she added him, again I didn’t care I mean I somewhat knew the girl and it didn’t raise any flags. I’ve never been the type to go through his phone but later on that night I did and honestly it was for no reason but I seen she had Snapchatted him at least one other time since the time he told me about. I didn’t call him out but I explained to him that I didn’t think she added him for the right reasons and said she’s gonna snap you again if she hasn’t already, has she? He said no she hasn’t and she won’t; so I asked to see his phone and then seen she had. I do truly believe this particular situation is nothing to it other than him lying and giving me half truths for whatever reason. Regardless if there was more to it or not, that situation prompted me to tell him I was going through his phone which opened up a can of worms. Just messages from his friends but several things they said picking at each other shed light on what sounded like him physically cheating on me. I couldn’t breathe. After begging him to tell me the truth he told me he kissed a girl 5 years ago at a concert. There was another thing that had happened where I just knew something happened with him and a girl and he always denied it, in that moment I threatened to call a mutual friend who would tell me and he fessed up to that one. He said he kissed her. Then I said tell me all of it, & he said they had sex. Again, it was 6 years ago, but I had to force it out of him. We had argued about it prior here and there and at one point he pinky promised me nothing happened with her and that there was nothing else for me to know I knew everything. I always found it hard to believe that I knew everything because I always found things out in unconventional/ accidental ways. I kept on and on and on and eventually he’d tell me just a little bit more then say “that’s all, that’s everything” he told me about kissing a girl at a bar out of town; then I’d keep pressing and hours later he’d say something else. I kept on and finally he told me there was one since we had been married. All they did was kiss though and that’s all. And after each thing he’d say how now I know everything, that’s all. I know everything now. That was the hardest one for him and it felt so good to have a clean slate. For days I cried and didn’t know what to do. At the time, it had been months since I had prayed for the first time in m life. I had been mad at God for something else and just there’s no excuse but that’s where I was. I prayed and begged God to show me the way out of this. I knew my husband loved me and I knew there had to be some way out of it and I knew God was the only way. And in that moment I had a plan. I would ask him to quit drinking once and for all. I wanted us to get in church. I wanted us to get “re married” & write new vows and finally I wanted him to come clean once and for all and put it all out there and I promised I wouldn’t hold it against him. I begged him for that. That we wouldn’t have a clean slate and a fresh start until he didn’t have any secrets. He again assured me I knew everything. He agreed to never drinking again and he wanted so bad to get into church and was so excited about our new vows and fresh start. A few days later I got to thinking again, and I bluffed. I felt there was more to the March thing the most recent event. So I told him one night and reminded him of the time I begged him to be honest with me because I had proof that one time and he lied to me, I begged and cried for him to be honest this time because I had “proof” again I just needed to hear it from him I begged him to be honest with me. Then he was. He had sex with this girl. While we were married; in our first 7 months of marriage. And said now I know everything he wanted to tell me that so bad and now his slate was clean and he was so thankful for that. I kept my promise of not holding it against him. Our relationship really changed from the inside out. More than that, I saw so many changes in him. I FELT he was already a different person. I can’t explain it. I knew it was only God. We had time for self reflecting and we both found ways we had went so wrong and put our marriage on the back burner and neglected it. In so many weird ways I was thankful that we had this time to realize so many things. I was excited for the future for our future. I know that sounds ridiculous but I can’t explain how on fire my marriage became. It had always been perfect and amazing to me and he’s the type of man who still gives me butterflies but this feeling was different. I felt God moving in our marriage. I still had a lot of bad nights though. We set a date for our new marriage date and on that day I was truly leaving the past in the past, and I would give all my trust to him something I hadn’t done in years and it would be a clean slate. On my bad nights he was so patient with me. Reassuring me in so many ways. Saying the most beautiful things with a look in his eyes so sincere. It’d take a long time to talk me down sometimes but he was patient. We were so passionate. I truly can’t put it into words.
Getting back into church was amazing. It was as if the pastor was speaking directly to us in his sermons. It gave us both goosebumps and tears to hear how accurate his sermons were with what we were going through and it was just unreal. One morning before church I was having a bad morning. The devil was getting at me. Telling me that if he still has secrets it’s all for nothing. The slate can’t be cleaned and reset if he’s still holding out. I had reminded him several times before this that he could tell me anything and I wouldn’t hold it against him that all I wanted was our fresh start no matter how it broke me. That morning before church I reminded him again. I told him I wasn’t accusing or assuming but if there was anything more to please please think about it and tell me that afternoon and explained how bad I wanted him to have a genuine clean slate I told him I felt like he was just telling me “enough” enough to make HIM feel better and I didn’t want it to be “enough” I wanted it to be clean slate. I couldn’t breathe when the pastor started to preach on “clean slates” and compared forgiveness to a story about a man who couldn’t sleep at night because he owed the tax collector, so one night he sent them $150 with a note that said if I still can’t sleep I’ll send you the rest. I felt like I was going to pass out even leaving church. I knew he was going to finally tell me everything. I just knew it. In the car we were silent. Then tears filled his eyes. But instead of telling me he said how thankful he was to be in church and that were right where we need to be. That night I brought up the sermon again and reminded him again that he could tell me anything I just wanted this for us, and if he didn’t tell me then I’d believe him. He assured me he had that clean slate already and I felt peace with that because he could ignore me and be scared to tell me, but surely he couldn’t ignore God himself speaking directly to him.
Tuesday, I was re reading all the messages he’s sent me recently and the one right after we decided to do all of this came up. Where he typed that I knew everything and his slate was clean it felt so good, I knew all of the worst things and he was so thankful for that and it felt so good to have a clean slate. The only issue was, he sent that before he told me they had sex. I brought that up Tuesday afternoon and he cried to me saying his slate is clean now and it does feel good and there’s nothing else at all. He reassured me for over 30 minutes. I was never mad or hostile I was so calm and just asking him to be honest. He even said “as bad as it sounds, if there was anything else I could’ve told you I would’ve told you it before I told you about March” he said he knew how bad it sounded but also it gave me a peace because he had a point.
Last night again, I had a bad night. I don’t even remember how it started. I kept on and on begging him to tell me anything else I don’t know or it was all pointless, for HOURS he kept reassuring me there was nothing else his slate was clean he’s told me everything. Then, after hours of that, I kept on just one more time and he told me he had sex with a girl I’m somewhat friends with, 6 years ago. I begged him what else, and he said that was it that I know everything. I kept on begging. He told me he downloaded a dating app one time when he worked out of town, but only messaged one girl and never met her. (Right) & I begged and said what else. I completely lost it honestly. I didn’t tell him at this particular point that I wouldn’t throw it back in his face like I had in the past so I did throw it in his face. Everyday we talked about our clean slate. Everyday he told me how good it felt, how he can feel himself changed already, how the old him is dead and gone and he wanted to spent forever proving that to me. I’ve told him anytime it was brought up that If it’s not a true clean slate then he’s destroyed me for nothing, I’ve stressed over and over how important that was and there was nothing he could say to change that that the past was the past. But he proved to me that he hasn’t changed....that he’s stil the liar. How do I look past that? Is there any getting past that? I know how all of this sounds. I know what I would think if I was the one reading this. I know love is blind but I don’t think that’s what this is. I felt like I seen actual changes. But he ignored even God. He said he was going to tell me, but he had so many opportunities. I had even told him one time that I wished he would’ve told me any one of those things the first time without me having to “beat” it out of him, that if he had it would make trusting him be a little easier and make me feel like there’s nothing more, and he said he wished he did too....but then little did I know he could’ve done it then too. But he didn’t. I’m scared of someone who can do this to somebody. Who can be so perfect. I seen a huge change in him and our marriage and I was so excited. He’s an amazing man, he is. But I don’t think he can ever be honest with me and he keeps showing me that. I’m conflicted because I believe God can heal any heart and any thing. But without trust how does my marriage go on....I know I sound so dumb for wanting to stay. If he wasn’t the person he is then this would be easy to leave. I just don’t know how a person can pretend that much.
