Desperately need help with 13 yr old daughter

[1momekool]

I need to know what to do. No one has any good advice for me. Presently my 13 yr. old daughter is cussing at me, saying hurtful things and threatening to leave because she and her big sister had a fight-which i had to step into the middle of-again. (Her sister slapped her in the face so she pulled a knife on her.) She's also smoking-my husband lets her-she has smoked marijuana, she dyes and pierces whatever she can-yet gets upset when the kids at school call her emo-& she cuts herself. She does whatever she can to talk to boys online, and I think she may have had at least one sexual encounter-how far it went, or whether it was physical or just virtual i'm not sure. She was an honor roll student, in Gifted and Talented, and even in the Duke University TIP program, and all of a sudden-since puberty and junior high hit-she won't do her homework, doesn't care about grades, band, or anything. she doesn't want people to think she's smart. She had the dream of becoming a marine biologist and going to Duke where they have their own island to study marine life and now she doesn't have a goal, she doesn't like anything, and says she doesn't care about anything. She no longer believes in God, or that the devil is real. Nothing I do is right. She's always mad at me, no matter what. NOTHING i do ever makes things better. what does she need? what can i do for her??? PLEASE HELP!!!

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I would take her to a therapist . It sounds like something may have happened to her and she's acting out. Or there something wrong mentally.

 

[faithink607]

give her lots of attention. My son is thirteen years old, and a very well behaved and a very well liked kid now. He wasn't exactly terrible before, but he was starting to go down the wrong path. He wouldn't do anything, and everything would turn into an argument. When he was is sixth grade I pulled him out of public school. We have had several problems with the public schools here and i had about enough when I could never get a hold of his teacher, and when i finally did she said she just didn't care anymore. Homeschooling my son was a turning point. He got more one on one time with me, and loves the time we have together learning. Ever since, he has become the happiest, most enjoyable, and well behaved kid. When my son stays the night at a friends house, the parents always tell me how great he was, and that he can stay the night any time.
Academically he is doing great as well. we do an online school that he does great in. It takes a lot of time on the parents part, but its totally worth it. during his free time, he learns about graphic arts for gaming. he's been at it for almost a year now and has made three 3D characters so far, and has just started making mods. Its been great and a lot of fun, i am so proud of him.
i also have a daughter who is six, and there still it sibling rivalry sometimes, mostly when im busy and cant spend the time with them, but when we all spend time as a family together we don't have any problems. The trick isn't about finding things you can do with your kids. I find that it is more about doing everything, normal every day stuff and including your kids in it. Going shopping, going for walks or hiking, go treasure hunting at a thrift shop or a dollar store. I volunteer at the library which is near a few diners and a thrift shop, and a dollar store. So we make a day of it. my sons favorite is a Chinese restaurant nearby with some really good lunch specials. My daughters favorite place is a little diner that has really good french fries.
i think that the most important thing is that you enjoy your time with them. your kids will know when you are really having fun with them. last night my daughter and i got some licorice and popcorn and watched minecraft parodys on u tube. A few months ago my son started asking my daughter GUESS WHAT? so of course when she says what? he says chicken butt lol. He kept doing this to her until one day she got him back. After that chicken butt went viral, now we are all very careful not to say what or even guess what, lol its been a lot of fun.
Thing is, I use to be like your daughter. but I was also put in foster care and children's homes too. If i wasn't in foster care, i was always alone. My mom always dumped me at someones house for weeks at a time and left me alone quite often. I remember her always pushing me away when i wanted to spend time with her. This probably isn't the case with you, its just what happened to me.
One other thing I did for my kids was i would pray that god would help me be a good mom and spend more time with my kids and really love my kids. I use to be the kind of mom who likes her space. after i became a single mom, all i did was mope when i wasn't being a workaholic to get my mind off it. So I took a lot of time to myself and not enough time with my kids. Sounds kind of counterproductive right, enjoying time alone so I can think about problems lol. I am really glad i made that prayer. well I wish you the best of luck, I hope this helps.

 

[janny108]

My daughter is1 14 and she's having a real hard time with attendance. I had her homeschooled in 6th grade but in the last 2 years school has been hard. She wants to be "invisible" and I don't know why. She has had a lot of sickness. I need to work but I'm thinking about homeschooling again. I just don't understand the change, it's like I don't hardly know her anymore. Let me know what you do....

 

[faithink607]

if shes 14 im guessing shes in high school now. teachers arnt exactly the nicest people. most of the one I have had to deal with, not only when i went to school, but the teachers my son has had, are pretty rude. most of them cant seem to keep themselves from making rude comments to the kids or parents. A lot of them dont even hide the fact that they don't like their job, and it comes out in their attitude. I still remember my 7th grade math teacher yelling at me in front of the whole class because I didn't understand percentages. I never asked him another question again after that and allowed myself to fail and in many cases I would just skip school as often as I could. My sons teachers were not any different.

Combine that with all the social issues at school like fitting in, bullying, drugs, sex, relationships, violence etc. Its no wonder that our nation has a 40% drop out rate.
there are many online schools now that a teen can do independently at home if the parents do work. my son does about half of his work without me. the only ones I really need to help him with are his projects. fortunately being an artist I can work from home for the most part, so I can be more involved

 

[akmom]

NOTHING i do ever makes things better. what does she need? what can i do for her???

Have you asked your daughter this? I don't mean in general. I mean during each outburst, rather than correct her behavior, have you tried asking her what she wants? If she just keeps yelling, do you continue to calmly ask her what she wants, and then make a sincere effort to accommodate her? Possibly, she is just getting to the next stage of independence (manifested as rebellion). Perhaps it's time to negotiate more independence or privileges, so she does not feel stifled. I mean, it must feel pretty stifling to be trapped in a home with a sister who hits you in the face. I bet she wants out of that situation, if nothing else. Maybe if you help her get freedom from that kind of encounter, she will not have such a strong desire to leave. Of course you cannot let her leave, or kick the other one out, but perhaps you can figure out what they consistently fight over and make changes so they don't have to fight over it any more. If it's space they fight over, make changes so they don't have to share space. I don't know what the conflicts are about, and maybe you don't either; a good place to start is to ask. Perhaps if you suffer through your daughter's tirades for awhile, you will at least get a hint about what she needs and be able to offer some reciprocation for improved behavior.

Addiction also changes a person's behavior, so if she is using tobacco or marijuana - especially at that age - then she might very well be suffering from a chemical dependency. Her outbursts might simply be tied to dopamine lows. She needs to stop smoking, and she may need rehab. If you live in the U.S., then it's illegal for her to smoke at all, and it's a crime for anyone to supply her with tobacco or marijuana. If your husband is complicit in this, you need to turn him in if need be, and put a stop to this.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

She needs therapy immediately, preferably in-patient. If she's cut herself and pulled a knife on her sister, she needs to be put in a psych hospital at once, preferably one with a teen/adolescent ward. As someone who was cutting at age 14, I know where she's coming from. Something this serious needs outside, professional help. This is not something you can handle with online advice, albeit well-intentioned. These are the "warning signs" we all talk about when a kid snaps and does something catastrophic. Don't wait and hope it gets better, act today.

 

[BRERDO]

I would take her to a therapist . It sounds like something may have happened to her and she's acting out. Or there something wrong mentally.

In my opinion, that is the right answer. With incidences where such a turn around occurs, it is more than "teenage" rebellion. It has to do more with an event or incident that she is focusing all of this negativity and disastrous outbreaks on. Relate to her and not try to blame or make her change until you understand why she is going through what she is going through. If you are unable to then a therapist is the best alternative (or first) action you should take.

It reminds me of something I want through when I was younger. After I sucked it up and started seeing a therapist I went on some medication and now I am complete leveled out and enjoying life. Before you call in an 5150 on her, avoid altercations with her and see what she is trying to achieve from this, like "akmom" said. If you do not know why she is going through what she is going though then you will not know what to do to help her.

If your husband is supplying her with illegal drugs (yes nicotine is a drug) and her sister is slapping her in the face, perhaps group and/or family counseling would be best for all of you and not just blame all the instability on her.

None of us are insinuating that you are a bad mother or even claim to understand or know about your home life but we are giving you suggestions like you asked for. Chemical dependency, abuse, broken homes, lack of stability, lack of concern and guidance by parents, etc etc... Anything can be going through her mind. Yelling or throwing your arms up and saying "I don't know what to do anymore" is the first thing that we bring as a response but it is never a solution and does nothing to resolve or better the situation.

I can relate to the situation, believe me. I just wanted someone to understand me and understand what I was going through and I wasn't getting that from my family until I found a way and perhaps that is what she is trying to do. Man, I hope it all settles for your household. Best of luck to you and your family!

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

BRER makes a good point. Kids don't just turn into rebellious psychotics for no reason. Yes, every teen goes through some degree of "growing pains" but pulling knives, cutting, smoking, cursing... these are not normal behaviors. There's some stuff happening in the family that we aren't being told, and that's fine, we don't need to know all the dirty laundry. But as BRER points out, if your husband is allowing this child to smoke (which is OUTRAGEOUS by itself), and violent, physical fights with her sister are the norm (you said "again" which suggests it happens often), the whole family definitely needs to be involved in whatever intervention and therapy/counseling happen for this girl. This is not a "normal family with messed-up teen girl", this is a messed-up family. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help, waiting and denying the problems will only make them worse. As I posted earlier, I was cutting at age 14 and went into a psych hospital, which probably saved my life, and definitely saved me from many years of destructive behavior. The problem wasn't "me", I was just a kid acting out from years of abuse and dysfunction that involved my entire family. My brother wound up on drugs and in prison. My parents almost divorced several times. When kids act out, you can bet the FAMILY needs help, not just the kids.

 

[jminnesota]

talk with her and pray with her and just pray to god that she will get out of that phase and become a normal woman. stop smoking and stop saying bad words and be good. I think most pre teens and teens hit that phase where they think they are all that and cant do any wrong but hopefully she will hear god and god will help her turn around.