Desperate...

[JordanDaniel]

Hello... I'm not sure how to put this,frankly ever since my mother died...I have gone down the wrong road. Every single fork road I face I go left...rather than right. It seems I have wired my brain to deliberately (undeliberately?..) sin against my Father almost every chance I get. I'm practically addicted to pornography.
I used to live with my dad and smoke pot with him all the time. I was caught with weed like 5 times,each time it was like I was completely set up,it was odd. My dad is psychologically abusive,him being chronically depressed I fell into a deep depression. I've cut my self many times. I'm waist deep in pity and regret. Here's the contradiction....I accepted Jesus into my heart before my mom died,(I had such an innocent mind,darkness never lurked into my heart). My whole family claims to be Christians.and they are...I don't think I have the right to be one.
Ya, anyone can be a Christian right? Once the sun goes down,lust seeps into my heart creating the biggest urge to watch pornography,asking my self afterwords "why did I do that"? I'm also an opprotunist when it comes to the marijuana situation. My dad AND my mother both smoked pot at my age. School was always easy for me though. A after A. I dropped out in 9 th grade because I was so depressed. In place of not smoking weed I smoke cigarettes,which I can get through my family.
I do so many things that disgusts the Lord. I so easily turn my back on him. Though I don't test him, I dont degrade Him in front of my peers. I've been told that a sin is a sin. My aunt who just "knows everything about Christianity"...says killing a person is as bad as stealing gum. I never hurt anybody...I try not to...I don't steal anything...all I do is hurt myself in a sense. It feels as if I jeapordize my protection on the day of Judgement. I don't WANT to sin. But in the heat of the moment I will,without even thinking twice.I'm told our Father has everlasting forgiveness and love for His children...what about his children that undeliberatly(deliberatly) breath in the prince of air?..it's such a scary contradiction?I don't mean to disgust our Father....but I probably do.
My mother had a fertalized egg in her fallopian tube before I was born. It almost ruptured but they saved her. She was told there's no way your going to have a child...a few years later I come along at her late age of around 40. A baby boy who she proudly named Jordan Daniel. I am now 16 and my family says I have an odd religous mentality. They tell me I'm not named Jordan Daniel for no reason. Daniel was the prophet with the God given ability to interpret dreams,and the Jordan river. If I am meant for something, I don't want to screw it up. My gaurdian Angels watch me..probably in dissapointment..as I watch pornography, smoke weed and cigarettes. I feel like the scum of the earth.
Please someone help me, I need someone to talk to about this kind of thing. I'm desperate.....

 

[ServantJohn]

Do you have a Bible? If not you can find bible software online. I recommend reading Psalm 51 and Romans. Also, talk to God about this and everything else you struggle with. He wants your honesty.

It's also great that you came on here but you need a local church. Ask for God to lead you to the right church in your area and trust Him to do it. Once you feel that you are where God has called you to go, talk to the pastor or youth minister. See if they have a discipleship program. You seem to be at this stage of your spiritual development.

You are welcome to private message me on here, and I will usually reply within 24 hours.

 

[Peripatetic]

Thanks for sharing with us. I'm sure it wasn't easy. Your aunt was on the right track... although all sins aren't the same, they are all displeasing to God. Even if you stopped smoking and porn, you would sin in other areas. We all do! Don't be fooled by Christians who claim to be sinless. So the first thing to do is to stop measuring yourself against others or trying to achieve some kind of relative righteousness. But the most important step you can take is to shift your focus from what you do and don't do, and concentrate on keeping close to God and learning His word. It's a long road... for all of us. You'll find that over time, your perspectives will change and you be less caught up in the sinful ways of the world. Just pray for the Holy Spirit to lead you. Oh, and welcome to CF!

 

[JordanDaniel]

Thank you..that makes a lot of sense. My whole life I've constantly thought..."He will forgive me no matter what I do,as long as I don't deliberately displease Him." Since my mother died when I was 12, it's been a different story. I miss her. I've seen so much kids treat their mom like crud, I wish I could show them how much my heart hurts. How ignorant they are being(as I was before her death). On a wider perspective it's human nature to not know what you love until it's gone for good.
I would give all my material possessions for one more hug...... For a dream of her even. I cry when I think about it, All I can hope for is that I see her after my spirit leaves this carcus that I'm trapped in.... Anywhoo
thank u for your wisdom. I needed that.

 

[wayfaring man]

Scripture tells us that we've been born into sin. Consequently we're on our way to death and destruction from the get go...But Jesus paid for our sins, and opened the door for us to come before God and receive The Help of His Holy Spirit - Who is indeed sinless, and Who if we give ourselves fully over to will lead us down the path of righteousness, where not only are our past sins forgiven; but we are also delivered from the bondage which keeps us committing the same sins over and over, which as many of us can attest is quite wearisome in nature...yet, we still hope in Christ, for there is none else we can turn to that can communicate Salvation and Eternal Life as can He !

I don't agree killing a person and stealing gum are on the same par... but both can surely testify that the sin nature is still alive and dictating somewhat the motions of our body.

The Biblical solution is death to that old sinful nature...hard for us to accept because death is our most dreaded fate...yet this type of death is necessary for the new nature we receive in Christ to be the one who governs our thoughts, words , and actions.

Paul said, he died daily. Jesus said, each day presents enough challenges for us, without worrying about the future. This is a key given us. Pray + Think about it.

Also, there's a big difference between sinning where we have been clearly convicted already, and sinning in a way in which we are yet largely ignorant of God's will.

Ask For The Help of The Lord's Spirit and seize upon any pertinent and practical inspiration which is given you.

Beware of extremist perspectives - one's which either suggest hopelessness, or complacency.

For while our situation may presently be quite dire in many respects...If / when we call upon The Name of The Lord to save us, we do enter into the realm where the miraculous is made possible, where raging seas can be instantly calmed, looming mountains can suddenly sprout wings and fly away, all manner of sickness, and demonic oppression / possession can be expelled by a single spoken word.

Don't let our pitiful performances diminish The Lord's Testimony. Call upon Him, with what He has done, as evidence of what He can do.

Then be thankful and give Him the praise and the glory, and all will be well with your soul.

Sincerely,

wm

 

[hlaltimus]

"From the furnace of affliction and temptation, God has forged some of the greatest saints who have walked the earth."

Whenever I read a testimony like yours, I ask myself, "Well Lord? Is this another Apostle Paul or Samaritan woman in the making?" Jesus is not nearly so offended over the past and present record of the sins in someone, as he is concerned over their present willingness to go on with him unto something more holy and much better that will glorify his grace all the more, in a penitant sinner who needs and justifies that grace all the more.

"Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more" - Romans 5:20

If you will read of the testimony of Christ's saving of the "Woman at the well" of Samaria found in John ch. 4, our Lord very possibly couldn't have picked out a more problematic and challenging candidate for his work of salvation, than this very unworthy but receptive woman was. The countryside could have been covered with more morally upright people than this woman was, which woman went through men like she did old garments! And yet Christ selected her as the object of his amazing grace and mercy, and furthermore evangelistic tool that he used to win many found in that city. Why her? Why pick out the furthest person from perfection, with the object of someday making them perfect? Why go through all that trouble?

God is not looking so much for great, successful and self-made people to make yet more successful, as though he preferred to save himself the labor that is found in making up part of their total, accomplished success. God is typically looking for "the poor, the maimed, the lame, and the blind" to make up his kingdom of pardoned and exalted unworthies. For it is these incapacitated, insufficient, but very grateful recipients of his transforming mercy, that will shine the very most amount of glorifying light back on Him, rather than back on themselves. It has been summarily said in so many words,

"God isn't looking for a big man to do a big job. God is really looking for a little man or a little woman, in whom to pour out the vastness and sufficiency of his incomparable grace, so that all around will surely know that it was the God of the man who wrought the victory, and not the man of God." --- "That no flesh should glory in His presence" - I Corinthians 1:29

Do not sit in dejection over the failures of your past and present, nor limit God's inexhaustible grace in your mind as though God has finally found someone who was more than He could possibly save. This cannot be, for the insufficiency of God's grace cannot be, in the case of someone who is truly willing to go on with the Lord, holding Him in view as their solitary hope, and willing to part with all or do all if only they may know Him who hold all of creation in firmly his hands. Make that very plain to the Lord:

"I've got alot of problems Lord...You know all about them. I really don't know what to do about it either, only I do know that I want to know you, because nothing is greater than you Lord, so if I have you, I don't see how I could possibly fail. If only you will become my hope, my wisdom and my strength for living Lord, and then make something out of me better than the awful kind of life that I have known. If you will only do that, I will serve you no matter what it costs me. I haven't the foggiest idea how your going to do this Lord, but I'll just kind of trust you to know and to do all of the things that I cannot understand now, no matter how hard I try to understand them. I guess that's what they call "living by faith"...Right Lord? I really do want you Lord, and I mean it too. Let's go on together, please Lord. I don't feel like much Lord...but you are, and that is what will make the difference."

 

[JordanDaniel]

Dang I'm glad I found this forum...if I got you guys to give me advice I don't feel like the last one standing anymore.

Thx guys for clearing out the fog a bit..I have a question(s) that I'm timid to answer myself..(kinda like somethin a lil kid would ask). How in the world do I know if the holy spirit,or Jesus Christ is present in my heart???Would Jesus leave if I were to harm my body?(smoke pot ect.) Because..it's not like Im meaning to say I would choose pot over the Lord. But if I had the opprotunity I'd take it..like Shaq would in b ball. It helps me feel good about myself....releives my anxiety..let's me sleep at night..I'm better at guitar... So on and so forth. Many people look down on pot..I'm figuring the Lord too,since his word says to live sober minded. If being sober is better than having THC in my system, I must not have felt my Fathers grace,security and happiness.

Basically, I need some deep answers for these two questions(Please understand I'm only 16 I'm practically clueless...)
---The right way to accept Jesus into my life?Would he displeased enough to leave if I smoked marijuana every now and then?---

 

[Peripatetic]

The fact that you are here seeking is a strong sign that Jesus is present in your heart. A person who is fully of the world doesn't have the feelings of conviction (the good kind of guilt) that you do. There is also a bad kind of guilt called Condemnation that tries to convince you that you aren't good enough, and that God could never love a person that does x, y, and z. Most times, conviction of the Holy Spirit can quickly help us to change our ways and move away from a previous area of sin. But each of us has our weaknesses. That one or two areas of sin which we know is wrong, yet we keep going back to it anyway. These things usually take more time. They may not turn off like a switch, but for the toughest areas in your life:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

So when you feel tempted, ask for a way out. It can take time, but you'll make progress. You know what? Over time, you'll find better things to replace the fleeting highs from drugs or porn. It sounds like you are into music. I too have a passion for music, and it only got better as I grew closer to God. When I was more worldly, I'd find myself so caught up in my own worries and thoughts that I was barely hearing it. The music sounds amazing when I'm most at peace.

 

[wayfaring man]

Dear JD,

The only way sins of the flesh can condemn us eternally is if we exhaust The Lord's longsuffering towards us by stubbornly, persistently rejecting The leading of His Spirit... But this is extremely difficult for any to succeed at - because The Lord's love for us is tremendous, and He will encourage, admonish, reprove, rebuke, and chasten us faithfully as needed... wherefore our confidence is not that we will be good enough for The Lord to accept us - But that He is so skilled and capable of revealing and convincing us of the truth which makes us free from the bondage to sin, that such is inevitable, as long as we keep looking to Him.

I'd say leave the marijuana alone... I was a stoner years ago, and was shown that such was more debilitating than any thing else, both physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's seductiveness suggests otherwise... but the fruit thereof which manifests over time is truly indisputable.

If you fall, get on your knees, and then back on your feet, and start walking as The Lord leads once again.

One thing I was led to do which helped, was to destroy / get rid of all the paraphernalia.

Also, for a time I stayed away from my old partying buddies.

Now... the thought of smoking - is something that is very disagreeable to my heart + mind, and poses no tangible temptation any longer.

And so we move on to the next thing or two on God's to do and not to do list.

May The Lord Be our Strength, our Confidant, and our Defense in all things. For The Glory of His Holy Name. Amen.

wm

 

[jeremymahurin]

Spend time getting closer to God. He will guide you into all truth. You don't need pot or anything else to make you feel good about yourself when you draw close to God and get His picture of you. Focus on prayer and Bible reading. God will show you the right path.

 

[JordanDaniel]

Wow ....I can't thank you guys enough. I appreciate it I'll probably be back on the advice forum again pretty dang soon lol

 

[alan650]

Remember that Jesus Christ died in our place out of love WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS. We will never be perfect until we are in Heaven with God. God loves us more than we can comprehend, never forget that. He is greater than our sins. Keep your eyes fixed on God and talk to Him about everything. His grace and mercies are new every single day, don't forget that!!

 

[JordanDaniel]

Me finding these forums,was definatley not a coincedense(however you spell it)...then I guess nothing is right?... I'm a big gamer with call of duty,halo and what not. I don't have the mentality of killing people, when I play those games I forget about my grief for awhile,I'm real good at shooting games I take everyone down lol.
Ya I suppose pornography in a sense doesn't weigh as much as committing the actual sin the lustful people in the video are. But i'm sure it opens doors to my soul that should be locked with thousands of locks. As our eyes are the windows to our soul. That's what my mother always told me...
Talking to you guys makes me feel like I have back up,I don't really want to watch porn anymore,i'm sure after awhile with all my Christian brothers/sisters such as yourselfs...I'll be able to lock all those doors and have peace of mind in no time...THANK YOU!!!! Pray for me please....god bless you guys.

 

[FaithPrevails]

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