Desperate for relationship adivce

[Brendan1129]

Hi, I am extremely desperate for advice. I had been dating a wonderful girl for a little over a year (I'm 24 now), and I've had a reacurring issue pretty much since we started dating. I'm not super attracted to her physically or sexually. Like hardly at all. I don't find her body type appealing, and I've always wanted to have the beautiful wife of my dreams and live long with her and all that.

The reason I'm so desperate for answers and advice is because we recently broke up over this issue, and it crushed both our hearts (mostly hers unfortunately). We are now both doing a 40 day Daniel fast (with no communication) so I can seek the Lord and (possibly) conquer this "issue" of physical attraction and maybe pursue her again. But I am torn. I have gone back and forth so many times. On one occasion, I will think about how she isn't what I wanted and how I felt unhappy and dissatisfied in our relationship quite frequently. I would try to bury the dissatisfied feelings by telling myself that physical attraction is from hell... On the other hand, I remember all the amazing times we had together and how I felt so loved by her and how humble, kind, generous, selfless, sweet, innocent, and pure she was. I get so sad and almost start crying when I think of never being close to her like that again. Yet, this issue of not being attracted to her made her feel bad and unloved, uncared for, and I would accidentally withold affection from her during the times I was struggling to find her appealing to me.

So what do I do? I don't want to put her through any more trouble and waste anymore of her time (she's 27 now, 3 years older than me) and her biological clock is ticking. In many ways we are not what each other wanted. But we clicked, became VERY close friends, and fell "in love". Truth be told, I never actually pursued her... I told her multiple times that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her and she told me she would have to stop seeing me everyday and not be so close to me cuz it would be hard for her. I missed the closeness that we had so I decided to tell her that we should start dating... I sometimes feel like I made the wrong decision and I shouldn't have said that. I feel like the only reason I said that was because I have a history of using women as an emotional crutch (I have mom issues), for validation and comfort. I feel so free, alive, and different when a woman gives me affection. Without it, I feel lonely, insecure, and depressed.

With all that being said, should I stay separated from her and not choose to pursue her after our fast? I'm sorry this is so much to read but its been such a struggle, I really just need other peoples help. I talked to my parents and they told me not to continue on with her if the physical attraction isnt there. I sometimes want to agree, but then other times feel very shallow for placing so much emphasis on feelings and attraction. I've read and meditated on many scriptures, podcasts, teachings, etc about physical attraction's role in a relarionship and how the character is more important. I agree, character is more important. But then again, if I don't have any romantic feelings towards someone who is to be my future wife, I feel like a very crucial element to a healthy marriage would be missing and I don't want that. I admired and respected her greatly, but is that enough to sustain a marriage? Doesn't there need to be a healthy romantic attraction involved? I thought I would grow to become attracted to her physically, but I didn't even after a year. I struggled to even have the desire to kiss her... Yet I miss her so much when I think about her and the times we shared. Please help

 

[Elliewaves]

No. If you aren't attracted to someone , don't pursue a romantic relationship with someone.It only leads to hurt feelings . I can’t imagine how hurt this poor girl feels after you told her she wasn't attractive to you AFTER dating her exclusively for a year. Leave her alone to find someone that is attracted to her.

 

[usexpat97]

I cannot vote. I have to vote, "Not at this time."

You have hurt her already. Not to beat yourself up--a lot of the time dating just stinks. I just want (for your sake) to avoid on-again, off-again relationships. What's best for her is for you to be either in or out.

 

[Willing-heart]

It sounds like you are trying to do are a favour if your concern is about her biological clock. Don't waste her time. I think you should let her be.

 

[JacksBratt]

Well, what is most important is not physical beauty.. Anyone that has pursued this will tell you that it is truly skin deep. The true beauty is the heart.

Yes, you may find both.. it is still common. However... it doesn't last. Time ticks away.

However, it is important to be attracted physically, emotionally and mentally.

Cut her loose... Would you want someone who doesn't think that you are physically attractive? You will always feel inadequate.

 

[ChristianGirl_96]

Truthfully I think you can save this relationship. But only if you see a therapist. Are you prepared to do that or not?

 

[rose wabos]

Hi, I am extremely desperate for advice. I had been dating a wonderful girl for a little over a year (I'm 24 now), and I've had a reacurring issue pretty much since we started dating. I'm not super attracted to her physically or sexually. Like hardly at all. I don't find her body type appealing, and I've always wanted to have the beautiful wife of my dreams and live long with her and all that.

The reason I'm so desperate for answers and advice is because we recently broke up over this issue, and it crushed both our hearts (mostly hers unfortunately). We are now both doing a 40 day Daniel fast (with no communication) so I can seek the Lord and (possibly) conquer this "issue" of physical attraction and maybe pursue her again. But I am torn. I have gone back and forth so many times. On one occasion, I will think about how she isn't what I wanted and how I felt unhappy and dissatisfied in our relationship quite frequently. I would try to bury the dissatisfied feelings by telling myself that physical attraction is from hell... On the other hand, I remember all the amazing times we had together and how I felt so loved by her and how humble, kind, generous, selfless, sweet, innocent, and pure she was. I get so sad and almost start crying when I think of never being close to her like that again. Yet, this issue of not being attracted to her made her feel bad and unloved, uncared for, and I would accidentally withold affection from her during the times I was struggling to find her appealing to me.

So what do I do? I don't want to put her through any more trouble and waste anymore of her time (she's 27 now, 3 years older than me) and her biological clock is ticking. In many ways we are not what each other wanted. But we clicked, became VERY close friends, and fell "in love". Truth be told, I never actually pursued her... I told her multiple times that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her and she told me she would have to stop seeing me everyday and not be so close to me cuz it would be hard for her. I missed the closeness that we had so I decided to tell her that we should start dating... I sometimes feel like I made the wrong decision and I shouldn't have said that. I feel like the only reason I said that was because I have a history of using women as an emotional crutch (I have mom issues), for validation and comfort. I feel so free, alive, and different when a woman gives me affection. Without it, I feel lonely, insecure, and depressed.

With all that being said, should I stay separated from her and not choose to pursue her after our fast? I'm sorry this is so much to read but its been such a struggle, I really just need other peoples help. I talked to my parents and they told me not to continue on with her if the physical attraction isnt there. I sometimes want to agree, but then other times feel very shallow for placing so much emphasis on feelings and attraction. I've read and meditated on many scriptures, podcasts, teachings, etc about physical attraction's role in a relarionship and how the character is more important. I agree, character is more important. But then again, if I don't have any romantic feelings towards someone who is to be my future wife, I feel like a very crucial element to a healthy marriage would be missing and I don't want that. I admired and respected her greatly, but is that enough to sustain a marriage? Doesn't there need to be a healthy romantic attraction involved? I thought I would grow to become attracted to her physically, but I didn't even after a year. I struggled to even have the desire to kiss her... Yet I miss her so much when I think about her and the times we shared. Please help

Oof. I would say you're main reasons for wanting to be with her are due to open wounds you have. I'd suggest doing some counseling with an upright man who's been in a long, healthy relationship. Please don't go after her or continue communication, it will only hurt her more. I bet she's in love with you, and the best thing you can do for her is stay away and pray. I wish you a healthy marriage, but a healthy marriage starts with you tackling your past traumas, and not just pursuing a relationship because you feel empty. Find your value in Christ, first.
I will be praying.

 

[pdudgeon]

Getting married because clocks are ticking, because she's conveniently around, and because after all this time you "should" do something, or you might miss the bus entirely....all of those are the wrong reasons.
Copping out and marrying "just because you can, and she's convenient" is an excuse not to take the risk of searching for someone who is right.

Then there's also the "What if's"..
"What if I find the right girl but I'm already married?"
"What if no one else comes along?"

And of course, the "I'm lonely, and she's willing."

The right reason is because she is the right girl for you, because you get along so well, you want the same things, your futures mesh well, you trust each other, and you are evenly matched, for starters.

 

[JacksBratt]

Truthfully I think you can save this relationship. But only if you see a therapist. Are you prepared to do that or not?

He may.. but do you want to be seeing a therapist before you are even in the relationship... many see therapists in order to save a relationship.. not start one...

IMO, if you need a therapist at this point... move on to one that you don't need a therapist for.

 

[DaisyDay]

So what do I do? I don't want to put her through any more trouble and waste anymore of her time (she's 27 now, 3 years older than me) and her biological clock is ticking.

Stop wasting her time and your own. Marriage is hard enough without sexual attraction - it would damage her deeply to be married to someone not attracted to her. Holding on to her would be terribly selfish on your part. Let her go.

 

[Aussie Pete]

Hi, I am extremely desperate for advice. I had been dating a wonderful girl for a little over a year (I'm 24 now), and I've had a reacurring issue pretty much since we started dating. I'm not super attracted to her physically or sexually. Like hardly at all. I don't find her body type appealing, and I've always wanted to have the beautiful wife of my dreams and live long with her and all that.

The reason I'm so desperate for answers and advice is because we recently broke up over this issue, and it crushed both our hearts (mostly hers unfortunately). We are now both doing a 40 day Daniel fast (with no communication) so I can seek the Lord and (possibly) conquer this "issue" of physical attraction and maybe pursue her again. But I am torn. I have gone back and forth so many times. On one occasion, I will think about how she isn't what I wanted and how I felt unhappy and dissatisfied in our relationship quite frequently. I would try to bury the dissatisfied feelings by telling myself that physical attraction is from hell... On the other hand, I remember all the amazing times we had together and how I felt so loved by her and how humble, kind, generous, selfless, sweet, innocent, and pure she was. I get so sad and almost start crying when I think of never being close to her like that again. Yet, this issue of not being attracted to her made her feel bad and unloved, uncared for, and I would accidentally withold affection from her during the times I was struggling to find her appealing to me.

So what do I do? I don't want to put her through any more trouble and waste anymore of her time (she's 27 now, 3 years older than me) and her biological clock is ticking. In many ways we are not what each other wanted. But we clicked, became VERY close friends, and fell "in love". Truth be told, I never actually pursued her... I told her multiple times that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her and she told me she would have to stop seeing me everyday and not be so close to me cuz it would be hard for her. I missed the closeness that we had so I decided to tell her that we should start dating... I sometimes feel like I made the wrong decision and I shouldn't have said that. I feel like the only reason I said that was because I have a history of using women as an emotional crutch (I have mom issues), for validation and comfort. I feel so free, alive, and different when a woman gives me affection. Without it, I feel lonely, insecure, and depressed.

With all that being said, should I stay separated from her and not choose to pursue her after our fast? I'm sorry this is so much to read but its been such a struggle, I really just need other peoples help. I talked to my parents and they told me not to continue on with her if the physical attraction isnt there. I sometimes want to agree, but then other times feel very shallow for placing so much emphasis on feelings and attraction. I've read and meditated on many scriptures, podcasts, teachings, etc about physical attraction's role in a relarionship and how the character is more important. I agree, character is more important. But then again, if I don't have any romantic feelings towards someone who is to be my future wife, I feel like a very crucial element to a healthy marriage would be missing and I don't want that. I admired and respected her greatly, but is that enough to sustain a marriage? Doesn't there need to be a healthy romantic attraction involved? I thought I would grow to become attracted to her physically, but I didn't even after a year. I struggled to even have the desire to kiss her... Yet I miss her so much when I think about her and the times we shared. Please help

I suggest that you look for advice from Mark Gungor. He is probably the leading authority on dating and marriage. There are many youtube presentations. He very funny along with great wisdom. His advice is pragmatic as well. Please note that "romantic feelings" are temporary anyway. Not that long ago, hyper romantic feelings were considered an illness, hence the term "lovesick". Since parents in those days were involved in their kids lives, they would separate the pair until the feelings passed.
I won't give you advice as to what you should do. I will say that the wisest man I ever met said that you should marry your best friend. Love does not revolve around the bedroom.

 

[ajcarey]

If the reasons you thought you should continue on with her despite the lack of physical attraction were truly godly and spiritual it would at least be wise to hold off letting her go and give things more time with the physical attraction issue. But according to your own words, the reasons you'd want to be with this girl are related to your own emotional issues and your own self-esteem and other related things. You are not seeking this for the Lord's sake because you are motivated by having a godly wife to raise up godly children nor because your bond of Christian fellowship is strong (I'm not saying it's not there at all, but you've cited other reasons that are natural psychological ones as what really makes you want to be with her).

The body is part of the human makeup and it has its place in marriage- it should be far from the most important thing you look at in a wife, but it does matter significantly still. The fact that you are not attracted to her at all in this way combined with the even more important facts that you are not a stable man emotionally (yet anyways) nor are you giving true godliness the pre-eminent place that it ought to have (not saying she is not godly, but you are drawn to her for your own emotional security and self-esteem even more by your own admission).

With all that considered, you are not even ready now for a godly Christian relationship EVEN IF you were attracted to her physically. How much more then is this not a good idea considering that you are not? You need to develop as a man of God and that is nothing to be ashamed of, especially considering your age. Right now given all the evidence it sounds like some necessary, key steps towards that for you would be to admit that you have a lot of maturing to do before you even consider being in a relationship at all and to let this girl go so she can heal and eventually find someone else who is a better fit for her. I think you should tell her these things honestly and directly. Apologize for using her as an emotional crutch and tell her you want her to heal in the Lord and find a godly man who is attracted to her physically- and more importantly who will be someone who can guide her faithfully in the Lord spiritually and also be someone she can lean on and be emotionally dependent on (certainly not vice-versa). My two cents. I think you'll feel righteously relieved after you do this. I pray things work out for the best for both of you as you each seek the Lord foremost with your whole hearts.

 

[Elliewaves]

I think you should get into therapy on your own, not with this girl or to save the twisted relationship . You already said you use women as an emotional crutch and have issues. Don't date anyone until you make some sort of headway on that or at least won't get into a relationship where you are using someone to make yourself feel better.

 

[jsimms615]

I think you should leave her alone and find someone you are attracted to.

 

[Brendan1129]

Thanks for the responses everybody

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

your decisions are based on emotional compensating and poor life advice.

cut her loose buddy.