Depressed father and self-destructive behavior

[Maniel]

Hello there, this is a repost from the Lutheran forum, I thought this would be a more proper place. If not I'm hoping for the right directions. I'm here seeking for advice regarding my family, myself and my father. My father lives by faith alone and from that the grace of God. And personally, I find that to be very reassuring as well.


The situation of my family is that we are drifting apart from each other, I remember my parents talking about separation from the age of 5 and several times up until recent which is 23 years.

The thing is, my father and mother are very different when it comes to how one should live. Faith alone has left my father, I think to some degree, a luke-warm Christian. He is not living up to his duty as a husband or a father in many ways. And what right do I even have to judge, I'm a fallen human being too.

I sincerely hope you will call out my own hypocrisy, but I’m also seeking the advice of you guys if you are able – please don’t hold back.


Anyways, he is playing video games many hours per day, zapping between sport channels, watching Netflix shows, while my mother is in another room waiting for him to take responsibility and be her husband. A couple weeks ago I even told her, that I wouldn't blame her for leaving him. Before that I would not get into that conversation, but I now feel I abandoned her. He also got a drinking and smoking problem. Drinking up to 10 can bears a night sometimes, so he can sleep for my mother’s snoring as he says. He sits up to 6 in the morning sometimes playing Facebook poker.


As you might tell, he is having some serious self-destructive patterns that is ruining his health through the intake of alcohol, smoking, not enough sleep and mindless hours of entertainment. All signs of addiction, being depressed and being in a state of apathy I would think. It has been a lifelong struggle to understand all of this, and now I think it is the time for reaching out as I’m able to.


I have tried to help him with these health issues, but he is cutting off these sorts of talks. I tried biblically in my attempt to convince him of the wisdom of proverbs and how one should live. The importance of attending church and being in a fellowship with other believers. To which he replied he hates wisdom and that faith alone is enough! Help!


I fear that outside circumstances are the result of all this. His very dissatisfied of his job, working 9-hour shifts driving a bus 5 times a week. He had a traumatizing childhood. He had cases of depression in our upbringing.


I want to help him. I love my old father. But I don’t know how. I believe he needs love. But I must admit I’m having a very ambivalent relationship with him. And so does my brother especially. He is the kind of guy that loves playing with your nerves through sarcasm and when playing boardgames for example, he will let you know when he is winning.

A few notes of the bright side. He recently bought 2 electrical bicycles for him and my mother. So I hope that will get them out on some journey's and getting some exercise. We also tried to be together as a whole family in a house of some of my parents friends. I hope and pray that God will bring us together but it's not easy that's for sure.


I’m not entirely sure what picture I’m painting, it’s a concurrent reflection that I’m still trying to understand. If you have any insights or wisdom to share, please do so.


Sincerely, Mathias

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hello there, this is a repost from the Lutheran forum, I thought this would be a more proper place. If not I'm hoping for the right directions. I'm here seeking for advice regarding my family, myself and my father. My father lives by faith alone and from that the grace of God. And personally, I find that to be very reassuring as well.


The situation of my family is that we are drifting apart from each other, I remember my parents talking about separation from the age of 5 and several times up until recent which is 23 years.

The thing is, my father and mother are very different when it comes to how one should live. Faith alone has left my father, I think to some degree, a luke-warm Christian. He is not living up to his duty as a husband or a father in many ways. And what right do I even have to judge, I'm a fallen human being too.

I sincerely hope you will call out my own hypocrisy, but I’m also seeking the advice of you guys if you are able – please don’t hold back.


Anyways, he is playing video games many hours per day, zapping between sport channels, watching Netflix shows, while my mother is in another room waiting for him to take responsibility and be her husband. A couple weeks ago I even told her, that I wouldn't blame her for leaving him. Before that I would not get into that conversation, but I now feel I abandoned her. He also got a drinking and smoking problem. Drinking up to 10 can bears a night sometimes, so he can sleep for my mother’s snoring as he says. He sits up to 6 in the morning sometimes playing Facebook poker.


As you might tell, he is having some serious self-destructive patterns that is ruining his health through the intake of alcohol, smoking, not enough sleep and mindless hours of entertainment. All signs of addiction, being depressed and being in a state of apathy I would think. It has been a lifelong struggle to understand all of this, and now I think it is the time for reaching out as I’m able to.


I have tried to help him with these health issues, but he is cutting off these sorts of talks. I tried biblically in my attempt to convince him of the wisdom of proverbs and how one should live. The importance of attending church and being in a fellowship with other believers. To which he replied he hates wisdom and that faith alone is enough! Help!


I fear that outside circumstances are the result of all this. His very dissatisfied of his job, working 9-hour shifts driving a bus 5 times a week. He had a traumatizing childhood. He had cases of depression in our upbringing.


I want to help him. I love my old father. But I don’t know how. I believe he needs love. But I must admit I’m having a very ambivalent relationship with him. And so does my brother especially. He is the kind of guy that loves playing with your nerves through sarcasm and when playing boardgames for example, he will let you know when he is winning.

A few notes of the bright side. He recently bought 2 electrical bicycles for him and my mother. So I hope that will get them out on some journey's and getting some exercise. We also tried to be together as a whole family in a house of some of my parents friends. I hope and pray that God will bring us together but it's not easy that's for sure.


I’m not entirely sure what picture I’m painting, it’s a concurrent reflection that I’m still trying to understand. If you have any insights or wisdom to share, please do so.


Sincerely, Mathias

I live in California which I am sure is quite different from Denmark. But maybe it is time for you to move out and start your own life. I am not sure but I do know here in the states we want our kids to be on their own supporting themselves as soon as they can. As far as your Fathers relationship with Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I am not so sure you are the one to make a call on his situation.
Blessings

 

[Maniel]

I live in California which I am sure is quite different from Denmark. But maybe it is time for you to move out and start your own life. I am not sure but I do know here in the states we want our kids to be on their own supporting themselves as soon as they can. As far as your Fathers relationship with Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I am not so sure you are the one to make a call on his situation.
Blessings

Thanks for your reply Maria. Just to add on the details, I did move out many years ago. I just still get involved whenever I visit. I believe you are right, there is only so little I can do. Seems prayers and patience must do

 

[philadelphos]

Thanks for your reply Maria. Just to add on the details, I did move out many years ago. I just still get involved whenever I visit. I believe you are right, there is only so little I can do. Seems prayers and patience must do

The situation of my family is that we are drifting apart from each other, I remember my parents talking about separation from the age of 5 and several times up until recent which is 23 years.

Shalom Mathias,

Why are you pointing the finger ? That is, what's the root behind all these accusations towards your father, and outing him in public like this ? Every family has problems but not everyone lashes out or speaks out, being private matters, and dishonourable to out superiors (5th commandment). i.e There must be something lacking in yourself to cause this, hence you admit to hypocrisy.

I sympathise with your situation and it's bitter I know, but it's shameful and improper to unmask your parents. It's also evil to say or do things that undermine your parents' marriage, e.g. telling your mum that you'd support a divorce (already evil itself, plus sides with your mum, against your dad - this should be out of the question to begin with). But it does seem the marriage itself is problematic/dysfunctional for the 23yrs mentioned. Needless to say, worrying and nerve-racking being a child of such a household. But our hope is in the future with the Lord, looking forward and upwards. It's also not your marriage although you're involved somewhat, so it's best to focus on personal development (in an unselfish way). Acknowledge the issue while not getting too dragged into their relationship.

I am reminded of Noah, who people judge for getting drunk, but overlooking the immense ordeal he'd witnessed in his life, all the destruction, emotional, psychological trauma, and the physical stress and burden of his task. He went through a lot, and each of us go through a lot in this broken world. Therefore it's utterly hypocritical and nasty to point fingers at our fellow brothers. We're all in the same boat and should help each other. -- Don't be like Ham who looked upon his father's nakedness and was cursed.

To help you understand, there are many factors in our world today and our generation nowadays that previous generations didn't have to deal with, and sometimes seemingly simple tasks like 'getting an email account' can be the last straw that breaks a camel's back, in a world of bureaucracy, authoritarian systems, anti-Christian politics, and unfavourable conditions for most people in general. The world is a depressing place. Hence, it's easier and more comfortable to indulge in the immediate pleasures one has, even to personal detriment.

Does that make it OK, probably not, but the examples you've given aren't necessarily vices or criminal acts, which are the kinds of things worth acting upon. Rather they're more frivolous matters and morally condescending remarks on your behalf. The pot calling the kettle black as it were.

Your dad needs love, but he also needs many things to help make his life more worth living. Only God can regenerate a person (and convict someone of sin), but your duty is to love him as yourself, as your neighbour, and as your superior, regardless of his behaviour. It's OK to point out his sin / error when appealing to defend yourself (if he is harsh towards you), but not on a regular basis, to take an accusative tone is something Satan does, not God, so that is something to be very wary of. The way you think and speak about your dad, who you have seen, let alone your Father in heaven who you haven't seen. - Make sense ?

I suggest spending more time with him, patiently waiting for a biblical way to bond, e.g. ask him about his childhood, etc, and what he was like in the past, figuring out where he changed and WHY that happened. Quoting Scripture when applicable, taking a non-accusative tone, asking basic questions to confirm his understanding, not patronising or condescending. Like a therapist, but really just getting to know your dad which is a form of love in itself, taking the time and effort to know someone. And evangelism at home. Then pray God will use you. If not, not. If so, you will have gained a new dad and helped your parents marriage, and your future family with him at the top. At the very least you will have done your duty and not sinned.

Also working on yourself, because the anger and frustration is boiling out from somewhere. Probably parenting and upbringing issues, but also from yourself. Something in your heart isn't right, maybe stress combined with seeing your dad at a low point makes you boil over. -- This is something that needs to be fixed first, and you need to repent yourself (stop and turn around), and confess your sin to your dad at some point (when the timing is right). Credit where credit is due, and de-merit where de-merit is due etc.

Blessings

 

[Maniel]

Shalom Mathias,

Why are you pointing the finger ? That is, what's the root behind all these accusations towards your father, and outing him in public like this ? Every family has problems but not everyone lashes out or speaks out, being private matters, and dishonourable to out superiors (5th commandment). i.e There must be something lacking in yourself to cause this, hence you admit to hypocrisy.

I sympathise with your situation and it's bitter I know, but it's shameful and improper to unmask your parents. It's also evil to say or do things that undermine your parents' marriage, e.g. telling your mum that you'd support a divorce (already evil itself, plus sides with your mum, against your dad - this should be out of the question to begin with). But it does seem the marriage itself is problematic/dysfunctional for the 23yrs mentioned. Needless to say, worrying and nerve-racking being a child of such a household. But our hope is in the future with the Lord, looking forward and upwards. It's also not your marriage although you're involved somewhat, so it's best to focus on personal development (in an unselfish way). Acknowledge the issue while not getting too dragged into their relationship.

I am reminded of Noah, who people judge for getting drunk, but overlooking the immense ordeal he'd witnessed in his life, all the destruction, emotional, psychological trauma, and the physical stress and burden of his task. He went through a lot, and each of us go through a lot in this broken world. Therefore it's utterly hypocritical and nasty to point fingers at our fellow brothers. We're all in the same boat and should help each other. -- Don't be like Ham who looked upon his father's nakedness and was cursed.

To help you understand, there are many factors in our world today and our generation nowadays that previous generations didn't have to deal with, and sometimes seemingly simple tasks like 'getting an email account' can be the last straw that breaks a camel's back, in a world of bureaucracy, authoritarian systems, anti-Christian politics, and unfavourable conditions for most people in general. The world is a depressing place. Hence, it's easier and more comfortable to indulge in the immediate pleasures one has, even to personal detriment.

Does that make it OK, probably not, but the examples you've given aren't necessarily vices or criminal acts, which are the kinds of things worth acting upon. Rather they're more frivolous matters and morally condescending remarks on your behalf. The pot calling the kettle black as it were.

Your dad needs love, but he also needs many things to help make his life more worth living. Only God can regenerate a person (and convict someone of sin), but your duty is to love him as yourself, as your neighbour, and as your superior, regardless of his behaviour. It's OK to point out his sin / error when appealing to defend yourself (if he is harsh towards you), but not on a regular basis, to take an accusative tone is something Satan does, not God, so that is something to be very wary of. The way you think and speak about your dad, who you have seen, let alone your Father in heaven who you haven't seen. - Make sense ?

I suggest spending more time with him, patiently waiting for a biblical way to bond, e.g. ask him about his childhood, etc, and what he was like in the past, figuring out where he changed and WHY that happened. Quoting Scripture when applicable, taking a non-accusative tone, asking basic questions to confirm his understanding, not patronising or condescending. Like a therapist, but really just getting to know your dad which is a form of love in itself, taking the time and effort to know someone. And evangelism at home. Then pray God will use you. If not, not. If so, you will have gained a new dad and helped your parents marriage, and your future family with him at the top. At the very least you will have done your duty and not sinned.

Also working on yourself, because the anger and frustration is boiling out from somewhere. Probably parenting and upbringing issues, but also from yourself. Something in your heart isn't right, maybe stress combined with seeing your dad at a low point makes you boil over. -- This is something that needs to be fixed first, and you need to repent yourself (stop and turn around), and confess your sin to your dad at some point (when the timing is right). Credit where credit is due, and de-merit where de-merit is due etc.

Blessings

Shalom philadelphos and thank you for your reply and insight on this matter. I will be honest and say that I don't think I have any grounds to do this. I think it's a desperate call for help, as I never really talked to anyone about the issue, only mentioned it briefly. I understand what you're saying that it's private and I'm thankful for you calling me out. I feel quite bewildered so I take your words to heart.
I will take your advice on getting to know one another on a more personal level, while being more careful with my words and how I interpret certain events. This is a time for prayer, thank you once agian philadelphos. God bless

 

[philadelphos]

Shalom philadelphos and thank you for your reply and insight on this matter. I will be honest and say that I don't think I have any grounds to do this. I think it's a desperate call for help, as I never really talked to anyone about the issue, only mentioned it briefly. I understand what you're saying that it's private and I'm thankful for you calling me out. I feel quite bewildered so I take your words to heart.
I will take your advice on getting to know one another on a more personal level, while being more careful with my words and how I interpret certain events. This is a time for prayer, thank you once agian philadelphos. God bless

I really do sympathise, but I think sometimes being 'children' we forget that our parents too are child-like and even just children at times also, in a sense anyhow. I think this divide is especially felt in hierarchical (less flat and equal) societies, for example being ethnically Chinese, our culture still has a lot of filial piety from Confucius, so many young people have arrested development issues from having been put into the 'child' box too long, and many oldies have the same problem being very juvenile and unbearably immature into old age. I suppose this may be why Manga and video games originate from Asia, where many adults are pre-occupied and addicted to these things. I see you're in Denmark, and it could be that this relates to Scandinavian / Norse idolatry, because Asians are extremely poly-theistic, it's in our genes. Things like Pokemon for example have many parallels with idolatry and demon worship, and I've heard sermons address this, peaching to mature adult audiences... You may be interested to know that Erik Erikson says that life has 8 stages, where people can reach latter stages whilst being under-developed in earlier stages. But seeing as we're believers we're also all children of God, spiritually (not yet physically), and it may well be that you've overtaken your dad in this department, or you're coming close to overtaking him. So in your mind it may be healthier if you began seeing your dad as a fellow 'brother', 'neighbour', and someone you can help along. I find this helps. - The alternative way will spiral downwardly, and it won't end well. No one wants to see their parents divorced.

This may also help, re. perspective and love. School of Life also has some videos on 'snobbery' which I trust will help also. Jane Austen deals with this in her writing also, Pride & Prejudice for instance, which are modern class and morality issues but as concepts themselves they are both explicitly and implicitly found in Scripture, to love they neighbour as thyself.

Joseph Tan has some other videos that you may find helpful also, on conceptual life matters.

Joseph Tan

 

[Maniel]

I really do sympathise, but I think sometimes being 'children' we forget that our parents too are child-like and even just children at times also, in a sense anyhow. I think this divide is especially felt in hierarchical (less flat and equal) societies, for example being ethnically Chinese, our culture still has a lot of filial piety from Confucius, so many young people have arrested development issues from having been put into the 'child' box too long, and many oldies have the same problem being very juvenile and unbearably immature into old age. I suppose this may be why Manga and video games originate from Asia, where many adults are pre-occupied and addicted to these things. I see you're in Denmark, and it could be that this relates to Scandinavian / Norse idolatry, because Asians are extremely poly-theistic, it's in our genes. Things like Pokemon for example have many parallels with idolatry and demon worship, and I've heard sermons address this, peaching to mature adult audiences... You may be interested to know that Erik Erikson says that life has 8 stages, where people can reach latter stages whilst being under-developed in earlier stages. But seeing as we're believers we're also all children of God, spiritually (not yet physically), and it may well be that you've overtaken your dad in this department, or you're coming close to overtaking him. So in your mind it may be healthier if you began seeing your dad as a fellow 'brother', 'neighbour', and someone you can help along. I find this helps. - The alternative way will spiral downwardly, and it won't end well. No one wants to see their parents divorced.

This may also help, re. perspective and love. School of Life also has some videos on 'snobbery' which I trust will help also. Jane Austen deals with this in her writing also, Pride & Prejudice for instance, which are modern class and morality issues but as concepts themselves they are both explicitly and implicitly found in Scripture, to love they neighbour as thyself.

Joseph Tan has some other videos that you may find helpful also, on conceptual life matters.

Joseph Tan

I just binged some of the videos from The School of Life. Nice and easy to follow, giving me some food for thought. Thank you phila. Very interesting about the influence of polytheism and the psychological effect, never thought about that before. I will chew on that in future reflections. I also see the practical and truthfulness of seeing my own father and other people from that matter in the perspective you describe. Thank you for taking the time to share these insights and perspectives, they are helpful in my attempts of understanding and believing. See you around

 

[philadelphos]

The situation of my family is that we are drifting apart from each other, I remember my parents talking about separation from the age of 5 and several times up until recent which is 23 years. The thing is, my father and mother are very different when it comes to how one should live.

You're very welcome. Those videos helped me too. If you're into English literature, Jane Austen's character developments deal with similar themes of marriage, money, family dynamics, etc. How people mis-read and mis-judge situations until they later realise new information a person they once hated, and vice versa, people who they once adored. Pride and Prejudice is a classic. Tolstoy, who I prefer also deals with this more dramatically and romantically in War & Peace, though more about young love and betrayal, and less about pragmatics of money, running a household, etc. Charles Dickens also deals with this in David Copperfield, about different kinds of women and speaks from a male pov. Maybe watch the films with your parents.

Though the OP quote about your parents 'talking about separation from the age of 5' is rather telling about their view of marriage (and family), which God intended to be for life, symbolic of his provision and of the believer's marriage to Christ, who we await after this life. Perhaps it's a Scandinavian trend more so since apparently Scandinavian women are extremely 'liberated' and surpass the traditional status of men, Icelandic CEOs for instance, also there was a TV drama (Swedish, I think. Black Widows?) about wives murdering their husbands not long ago. Deterioration of marriage and family is happening all over the world anyhow which is sad and bitter for everyone. But on the bright side, it relates to end times prophecy, per 2 Timothy 3.

This verse is true as I learn things about family members, changing my opinion of them... People are fallen and depraved. Scripture says man 'makes war in his heart', but in our day and age where murder like Cain and Abel is less feasible, people do all sorts of non-physical, like planting info for you to side with them, or killing people off socially 'character assassination' etc. It happens all the time on social media and in work places. Psychologists have written about histrionic (dramatic) women who do this a lot in the West, stereotypically, and it sounds like you're tangled up in your parent's mess for a reason, biased towards the feminine pov for a reason. Maybe the facts paint a certain picture, or maybe the facts don't mean anything at all. Sometimes the enemy who appears like the bad guy is actually a kind of victim, maybe even the good guy. It's very possible your dad has his own back story. -- When you truly love someone you know them, and you're clearly thoughtful and caring, so I would suggest getting to know both parents even better. Try to get a better idea of how they met and what they were like back then.

Matthew 10:37-38, "He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me."

Though I wouldn't get too wound up or hung up about them, for your sanity. Ultimately your stock should be focused on Christ. He is our hope and salvation. Parents and people around us now while we love them and all, are temporary. Our true family are those who will be risen with Christ as promised in Revelations 20, not necessarily ones who have 'faith alone', or 'works alone' for that matter... (see James 2). The sola fide thing and the 5 sola in general is often where many Protestants get too big for their boots, following traditions of men, and a kind of dogmatic superstition / delusion, whilst actually hypocrites.

Colossians 3, "If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth."

And continues into advice / commands for family members,

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God; And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ."

Blessings

 

[philadelphos]

A similar topic was just posted on the Guardian, I no longer desire my husband and want to end our marriage.

While not exactly the same case, it reveals how many married women in the West think, their rationale, valuation of others, in marriage, children, family, of other men, etc, in the first place. The social zeit geist, being more about their feelings, a sense of 'love', thrill, lust, status, security, personal satisfaction, etc, and less about others, and almost nothing about honour, righteousness, moral good, appropriateness, and being a decent person, self-sacrifice, longevity, and all the long-term stuff that family, heritage, lineage, legacy, and history is made of.

While men can be the exact same, the male comments are rather telling in themselves, being more about a great relief, having realised they don't suit marriage, and finally being single and freed from a woman who never brought him any happiness, only misery. Which of course is key in the Genesis account on the origin of woman and marriage, as 'helpmeet' for the man as God saw it was 'not good for man to be alone'. For pro-creation and social advancement etc. -- The Far East has it's own version of this. Many Hong-Kong-nese (and Chinese) women famously have 'princess syndrome' (see examples on Youtube and news sites) which begins in their teens and carries into decades of marriage and family in a similar kind of way. A kind of matriarchy where women become 'tiger mothers', aggressive, controlling, psychotic, sociopathic, etc, and yet somewhat venerated and respected in society. But their husbands will tell the other side of the story.

 

[Maniel]

You're very welcome. Those videos helped me too. If you're into English literature, Jane Austen's character developments deal with similar themes of marriage, money, family dynamics, etc. How people mis-read and mis-judge situations until they later realise new information a person they once hated, and vice versa, people who they once adored. Pride and Prejudice is a classic. Tolstoy, who I prefer also deals with this more dramatically and romantically in War & Peace, though more about young love and betrayal, and less about pragmatics of money, running a household, etc. Charles Dickens also deals with this in David Copperfield, about different kinds of women and speaks from a male pov. Maybe watch the films with your parents.

Though the OP quote about your parents 'talking about separation from the age of 5' is rather telling about their view of marriage (and family), which God intended to be for life, symbolic of his provision and of the believer's marriage to Christ, who we await after this life. Perhaps it's a Scandinavian trend more so since apparently Scandinavian women are extremely 'liberated' and surpass the traditional status of men, Icelandic CEOs for instance, also there was a TV drama (Swedish, I think. Black Widows?) about wives murdering their husbands not long ago. Deterioration of marriage and family is happening all over the world anyhow which is sad and bitter for everyone. But on the bright side, it relates to end times prophecy, per 2 Timothy 3.

This verse is true as I learn things about family members, changing my opinion of them... People are fallen and depraved. Scripture says man 'makes war in his heart', but in our day and age where murder like Cain and Abel is less feasible, people do all sorts of non-physical, like planting info for you to side with them, or killing people off socially 'character assassination' etc. It happens all the time on social media and in work places. Psychologists have written about histrionic (dramatic) women who do this a lot in the West, stereotypically, and it sounds like you're tangled up in your parent's mess for a reason, biased towards the feminine pov for a reason. Maybe the facts paint a certain picture, or maybe the facts don't mean anything at all. Sometimes the enemy who appears like the bad guy is actually a kind of victim, maybe even the good guy. It's very possible your dad has his own back story. -- When you truly love someone you know them, and you're clearly thoughtful and caring, so I would suggest getting to know both parents even better. Try to get a better idea of how they met and what they were like back then.

Matthew 10:37-38, "He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me."

Though I wouldn't get too wound up or hung up about them, for your sanity. Ultimately your stock should be focused on Christ. He is our hope and salvation. Parents and people around us now while we love them and all, are temporary. Our true family are those who will be risen with Christ as promised in Revelations 20, not necessarily ones who have 'faith alone', or 'works alone' for that matter... (see James 2). The sola fide thing and the 5 sola in general is often where many Protestants get too big for their boots, following traditions of men, and a kind of dogmatic superstition / delusion, whilst actually hypocrites.

Colossians 3, "If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth."

And continues into advice / commands for family members,

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God; And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ."

Blessings

First of all, thank you for your thoughtful and kind words philadelphos, I sincerely appreciate your help in this matter. I got a copy of both of these books, Tolstoy and Jane Austen, and I will watch the Copperfield movie the next time I visit my parents.

Now you mention it, I got many perspectives on my mothers side, but perhaps it’s best to mention on anonymous talks with my therapist. But I can’t help to think that my father of course is hurt as well from the actions of my mother.

The verse you shared about the last days is sad and true, I will try not to get tangled into the toxicity myself as I already have by the information I’ve shared. It’s sometimes hard to navigate, but the grace of God is slowly opening my heart and eyes. Also thanks to you and others in the dialogue that give thought to new reflections.

I had a good talk with my father the last time I visited, with most of my guards down and ambivalence, I was able to hear my father. I’m very grateful for that. It’s a slow process but I’m hopeful. Since I’ve learned to trust in God and praying for his will to be, which is a process, it brings much comfort in any relationship and the people I meet.

The verses on family so important, as they unfold the love of Christ. It’s hard to understand why my parents are not honoring their oath to each other’s marriage, but I thank you for the most important reminder to us all, that Christ is to be central in every man’s life, soul and will. Everything else will be given from that, love for your fellow man, spouse, friends and family.

I do find it hard to ask some of these personal questions in regards to my parents, it’s an overall challenge to anyone I know. A feeling of uncertainty, a blockade from asking too personal questions. I’m not sure why, if you have some advice in regards to that I’ welcome you to share. Thank you once again in the love of Christ.

 

[Maniel]

A similar topic was just posted on the Guardian, I no longer desire my husband and want to end our marriage.

While not exactly the same case, it reveals how many married women in the West think, their rationale, valuation of others, in marriage, children, family, of other men, etc, in the first place. The social zeit geist, being more about their feelings, a sense of 'love', thrill, lust, status, security, personal satisfaction, etc, and less about others, and almost nothing about honour, righteousness, moral good, appropriateness, and being a decent person, self-sacrifice, longevity, and all the long-term stuff that family, heritage, lineage, legacy, and history is made of.

While men can be the exact same, the male comments are rather telling in themselves, being more about a great relief, having realised they don't suit marriage, and finally being single and freed from a woman who never brought him any happiness, only misery. Which of course is key in the Genesis account on the origin of woman and marriage, as 'helpmeet' for the man as God saw it was 'not good for man to be alone'. For pro-creation and social advancement etc. -- The Far East has it's own version of this. Many Hong-Kong-nese (and Chinese) women famously have 'princess syndrome' (see examples on Youtube and news sites) which begins in their teens and carries into decades of marriage and family in a similar kind of way. A kind of matriarchy where women become 'tiger mothers', aggressive, controlling, psychotic, sociopathic, etc, and yet somewhat venerated and respected in society. But their husbands will tell the other side of the story.

This seem to be the case and I can definitely see some of these patterns in my 'analysis' of my parents history together.
Recently I met a girl, and a key thing I've tried to communicate is that Christ should be the absolute central of our relationship. Thankfully she agrees and I must say she is so wonderful and such an inspiration, the kind of girl the brings up the best in you. Reasonability and duty is other pillars I've mentioned for her - but from your comments I would like to talk with her more in depth on these perspectives you bring up - it can truly become so toxic in just a blink of an eye if you get the wrong idea planted in your head or expectations. So it seems that things can so easily get tangled up into a great tragedy and a mess, with accusations and broken feelings that nobody seem to understand or is willing to make the sacrifices necessary for forgiveness and healing.
It can sometimes seem so simple, like, if you ''just'' did that everything would change. It can seem so comical, but really it's just a great tragedy, you want to help but how can you to someone who is saying they don't want change or help for that matter? How do you reach such a person? Someone who is dismissing Wisdom from a book like Proverbs?
All temporary frustration aside, let's return to the faith and hope in Christ - His will be done and all things shall happen according to his plan. God bless and thank you for sharing your thoughts philadelphos.

 

[philadelphos]

All temporary frustration aside, let's return to the faith and hope in Christ - His will be done and all things shall happen according to his plan. God bless and thank you for sharing your thoughts philadelphos.

I'm really glad for you and I thank God. Though, being 'in Christ' is important, Solo Christo, is another of the 5 Sola... So perhaps you're more alike your Dad than you realise. But the Lord himself didn't promote this.

We are to 'be of good cheer' because Christ overcame the world, and we will too at some point, after the grave I believe. But we're still directed by him to our Father... God, who knows your every need, even before you ask. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6%3A8-13&version=KJV

Blessings