- Jun 8, 2008
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i believed in a god up until about age 14 when i started thinking philosophically and pondering over the meaning of life and whatnot. The whole concept of god, especially as a sentient humanoid being seemed completely ridiculous to me but i never admitted to myself that I don't believe out of fear of going to hell if there really was one. After a while though this fear left and I was able to freely wear my atheism on my sleeve and admit it to myself and others around me. That year and the following year were pretty uneventful. But during the fall of 2004 I suddenly, for no reason became stuck in a neverending depression. I still remember that jolt of sadness I felt all of a sudden that never went away and has since lingered going up and down in intensity depending on changing situations or medications/lacktherof. I had almost immediately, within that week, decided to kill myself via some kind of drug overdose. I did some research and decided I would just overdose on aspirin and wait the few days for my liver to be irrepairably damaged so I could finally die. I cried about being alive and how i never chose it constantly, I almost completely forgot what it was like to be happy. But I was content with dying, I had a plan, knew how to do it, had a date set and was 100% willing to execute. I had no fear of hell nor did I wonder or care about any afterlife. I had decided to do it the tuesday night before thanksgiving holidays because that would give me 5 school free days of time to die. That way if I didn't die I wouldn't miss any days of school and have to make up any work. Im sure u can tell that education is my #1 priority. I mean after all, if you fail at school you en dup with a crap career and make crap money and thus fail at life. Yes I know most ppl are going to break my balls about putting money above all else but thats how it is for me and how its always been and probably always will be. Anyways my plan was foiled because I was making constant threats to my parents during arguments that i was going to kill myself. they didnt really take me totally seriously until one day when after school my mom drove me somewhere she didnt say where but it ended up being a hospital psychiactric ward. then when the nurse started to ask me questions about my sadness and depression i cried and admitted i wanted to kill myself. long story short they admitted me to the psych ward for 5 days, i was given wellbutrin and sent on my way. For several months maybe a year I had put/tried to put that episode of depression out of my mind. I thought that was just a brief period of craziness, just a phase i went through.
Throughout senior year i was medicated with Adderall for my concentration and also in that year is when I fell in love with this girl who I will call K. She was the third girl i had ever loved but the difference with her is that she liked me back. She had a boyfriend at the time but she still had a crush on me, I ignored it out of the extreme shyness the adderall caused for me but i ended up stopping the adderall and took xanax for that last month of senior year in highschool. That month I finally started talking and flirting with her and we got along very well and it was obvious to everyone around us that we liked eachother. Shed be such a giggly girly girl around me when shes kind of a different person around everyone else. The few times she cried out of sadnesss from various things talking to me cheered her up immediately. She sobbed uncontrollably when I told her closer to the end of the year that we may never see each other again cus we were going to different colleges. Needless to say I was sad about this also. I cried every single day that summer missing her, I called her once because i wanted to give her a more proper goodbye but she didnt return the phonecall. I really just wanted to say everything i needed to say to her i wasnt looking for a relationship. She had a boyfriend at the time too but I figured if she liked me then she must not have very strong feelings for him in the first place. Only recently have i learned that many girls especially in the teen ages can like multiple people at a time. Knowing that doesnt help but w/e. Fast forward and im in college, the depression slowly creeped back into me over the course of the summer. I thought of her every day and cried over her every day, not able to move on not able to make friends not able to get on with it with other girls. The only reason i even got laid at all was because im extraordinarily good looking. If it wasnt for that nobody would come within 100 yards of me because i oozed and seethed sadness and misery from every pore. People could tell. I frequently got drunk and passed out around campus yelling to people about how much life sucks and how much i dont care about things and not wanting to live. I went shotgun shopping around november of that year but not having enough money to buy one i gave up for a while. I saw a shrink about a week after and he told me to promise not to kill myself at least until our next appointment. I didnt becuase the suicidal feeling had gone away, but the depression remained. We continued our appointments but they were useless, talking to shrinks is like talking to a wall for me. But moaning on forums on the internet feels much better, I believe its because of the anonymity. Anyways, 2 days after christmas of that year december 27, 2006 at 1:17 PM i called K, i remember to this day almost every word of the conversation, at least what she said, not so much what i said:
K: Hello?
Me: Hey K, guess who?
K: Uuhhhh, I dunnnooo....
Me: Its (name)
K: OOooohhhh (sounded like a half laugh half UUuuugghhhh like she didnt want to hear from me)
Me: So i heard you were single?
K: ...Look i cant talk right now, thers alot of guys around me making a bunch of noise
Me: Wait...K..I love you, theres not a day thats gone by when i havent thought about you. I know i did alot of stupid things in the past and i know i made some mistakes but i love you so much. (i didnt really make any mistakes but thats just what i blurted out cus i was overcome with emotion)
K: Look.....youre a good friend, but i dont like you like that. (in a soft kind voice)
Me: *sobbing uncontrollably from this point till she hung up* (some more I love yous in there, some other stuff) and: (i put a shotgun in my mouth and the only reason i didnt blow my head off was because i thought you still had feelings for me"
K: well maybe you should see a therapist or something (soft voice ends, annoyed voice starts)
Me: K i love you
K: look u should see a therapist or something
Me: K please can you just talk to me i love you, thers not a day thats gone by where i havent missed you
K: you know what, i think you need to find god (she knew i was an atheist but didnt have a problem with it before)
Me: *something*
K: I think you need to find god
Me: K please i love you why are you acting like this...*i keep talking and i hear her pull the phone away from her ear and laugh to her friends and say "ughh hes still talking*
K: look i got to go
Me: k why cant u talk to me I love you. do you know why i called you over the summer?
K: *pause*
Me: I wanted to tell you that I love you and i wanted to give you a proper goodbye.
K: *silence*
Me: im sorry i told you i dont love, wahst the matter do you think im a drug addict or something
K: No
Me: k i love you so much
K: I have a boyfriend (back to the soft voice but with a little desperation in it)
Me: *something* *something* (at this poitn i was hysterical with sadness crying harder than i ever have in my life even as a kid) Just tell me you dont have feelings for me any more please, i need to hear it from you i have to hear it from you
K: ...I have to go, ill talk to you later (softer voice)
Me: Please K i love you, there hasnt been a day thats gone by that i ahvent thought about you or missed you i just have to see you again please...please i have to see you again
K: ....Ill talk to you later (softest tone of voice since picking up the phone)
Me: please i need to see you again i just have to see you i just want to say goodbye K i love you so much...if you dont have feelings for me anymore please say it K i love you i have to hear it from you i need to hear it
Me: K?! Are you there?
Me: Hello?!
K: i have to go ill talk to you later.
Me: K please!... K!
K: *hangs up*
the worst crying done in my life were because of repeatedly recalling and remembering that conversation. ive analyzed and analyzed it every word she said how she said it when she said it. analyzed what the pauses could have meant, what her refusal to outright admit that she didnt have feelings for me meant towards the end of the convo. Because after a little while after the convo started she said she didnt like me like that but after i started talking and explaining she didnt repeat it, she just kept avoiding the answer saying she had to go. That is the sliver of hope i hold on to, her not outright saying she doesnt have feelings for me anymore meaning she still might somewhere, even just a little. the past 2 times ive been in love i had gotten over because both of thsoe girls were 2 years older than me and went off to college and i got over them, plus i didnt really know those two, it was more of a crush thing i had on them maybe not really love. I havent gotten over K because she is the only one thats accessible. We go to diff colleges but i know where she lives, works, i have her number, we used to be good friends, i know her friends etc. if she vanished into thin air like the previous two im sure i wouldve gotten over her. anyways, i was so sad and so hysterical i didnt know what to do. Suicide was all of a sudden the last thing on my mind. I think because of this, subconsciously i may have wanted for her to feel sad if i killed myself but after knowing she wouldnt really care the suicidality vanished but i was stuck with even more severe depression. that was the first time i prayed to god/jesus asking him to spare my soul and save me from the sadness, i sat and watched the 700 club every day for about a week, prayed about 10 times a day. every time i would think about her and feel that rush of sadness coming up i would get on my knees and pray to jesus as my lord and savior, ask him to protect me from satan ask him to help me fight off this sadness. that was my first phase of the christianity trial, it ended about a week after spring semester in college started up. i was still depressed and still sad about her but no longer needed god to pray to. i cried pretty much 24/7 for the next 6 months. on and off every other day or so for a few months more. everyone in my campus building knew me as that really hot but depressed suicidal guy that never talks. they all knew i was searching for a shotgun so they left me alone, moreso after the virginia tech incident cus they didnt want me to go on a killing spree before i killed myself if i ever did. every time i got drunk and didnt fall asleep, during the comedown of the alcohol i sobbed and always about her.
i slowly, very slowly started to get over it a little around november/december 2007. i had started to grow my hair out during december 2006 and was getting even more attention from girls that usual so im sure that helped put stuff out of my mind. i was still miserable though. i called K again on christmas of 2007 and left a message "so you never called me back, i hope we can talk" but she didnt reply. i was drunk at the time too i figured if i wasnt then i would cry my ass off if she rejected me again but she never picked up. the suicidality slowly began to come back when i realized that i would be suspended from school for spring 2008 semeester for not keeping a 2.0 GPA. i was too depressed to study and had 0 motivation and nothing would stay in my head when i did try. i tried to get a job but mostly just spent the days sleeping, crying, playing world of warcraft, and watching tv. nothing else really happend till a few months ago. i wrecked my car while text messaging and got another one. that 2nd car i wrecked on my way to school for the summer term ( iwas reinstated but placed on academic probation) and was charged with a DUI even though i wasnt under the influence of anything. now i dont have a car but w/e. my dad drives me to school and i try to study cus i know i need to really hard. but this difficult teacher im stuck with yells at me for nodding off for 2 seconds in class and has accused me of stealing tests. throughout the previous months i resumed mys hotgun shopping and research on overdosing on diff meds. im over 18 so i can get a shotgun easily i just dont have the money for it now. i wanted to die and still do but am now more passively suicidal since i accepted christ again tonight. only reason was cus i looked up K's myspace which is set to private but i saw her new main picture and it just made me so sad all over again. i sobbed for quite a while, prayed for quite a wihle, and now here i am on this forum posting about how to stay a christian. unless uve experienced it u can never know how it feels to feeel like the world is closing in on you and to feel such sudden aloneness and unexplainable sadness stemming from one thing but eminating from all things. i used to curse god before my first trial into christianity and again before this current trial. i just need to know how im supposed to stay. Trying to believe in a god is like trying to convince myself the sky is orange. I know i cant do it the logical way because logically god does not exist, i cant deny that. what i have to convince myself is that god is above logic, i have to have faith and faith is blind. I need that faith. during my first trial all i did was pray. i wasnt baptized ive never set foot in a church or talked to a priest or touched a bible so im guessing i have to do those things. im just wondering tho at the same time if i will wake up tomorrow and be like "lol i tried to be christian again" and continue doing what i was doing before.
only reason i have posted this is because the anonymity of the internet is the best outlet to open up emotionally. therapists dont work for me, around real people my emotions dissapear. no i dont mean they are bottled up around people, i mean around people my emotions suddenly become nonexistent. i become a purely nonemotional person. so i QQ on the web. ive accepted jesus christ as my lord and savior. i want to continue to accept him because i hope my depression will be cured. yes i still want to die and yes im still depressed but its not that bad after since i accepted christ an hour and a half ago. i hope it will continue to get better.
say what you want to say because i have nothing more
Throughout senior year i was medicated with Adderall for my concentration and also in that year is when I fell in love with this girl who I will call K. She was the third girl i had ever loved but the difference with her is that she liked me back. She had a boyfriend at the time but she still had a crush on me, I ignored it out of the extreme shyness the adderall caused for me but i ended up stopping the adderall and took xanax for that last month of senior year in highschool. That month I finally started talking and flirting with her and we got along very well and it was obvious to everyone around us that we liked eachother. Shed be such a giggly girly girl around me when shes kind of a different person around everyone else. The few times she cried out of sadnesss from various things talking to me cheered her up immediately. She sobbed uncontrollably when I told her closer to the end of the year that we may never see each other again cus we were going to different colleges. Needless to say I was sad about this also. I cried every single day that summer missing her, I called her once because i wanted to give her a more proper goodbye but she didnt return the phonecall. I really just wanted to say everything i needed to say to her i wasnt looking for a relationship. She had a boyfriend at the time too but I figured if she liked me then she must not have very strong feelings for him in the first place. Only recently have i learned that many girls especially in the teen ages can like multiple people at a time. Knowing that doesnt help but w/e. Fast forward and im in college, the depression slowly creeped back into me over the course of the summer. I thought of her every day and cried over her every day, not able to move on not able to make friends not able to get on with it with other girls. The only reason i even got laid at all was because im extraordinarily good looking. If it wasnt for that nobody would come within 100 yards of me because i oozed and seethed sadness and misery from every pore. People could tell. I frequently got drunk and passed out around campus yelling to people about how much life sucks and how much i dont care about things and not wanting to live. I went shotgun shopping around november of that year but not having enough money to buy one i gave up for a while. I saw a shrink about a week after and he told me to promise not to kill myself at least until our next appointment. I didnt becuase the suicidal feeling had gone away, but the depression remained. We continued our appointments but they were useless, talking to shrinks is like talking to a wall for me. But moaning on forums on the internet feels much better, I believe its because of the anonymity. Anyways, 2 days after christmas of that year december 27, 2006 at 1:17 PM i called K, i remember to this day almost every word of the conversation, at least what she said, not so much what i said:
K: Hello?
Me: Hey K, guess who?
K: Uuhhhh, I dunnnooo....
Me: Its (name)
K: OOooohhhh (sounded like a half laugh half UUuuugghhhh like she didnt want to hear from me)
Me: So i heard you were single?
K: ...Look i cant talk right now, thers alot of guys around me making a bunch of noise
Me: Wait...K..I love you, theres not a day thats gone by when i havent thought about you. I know i did alot of stupid things in the past and i know i made some mistakes but i love you so much. (i didnt really make any mistakes but thats just what i blurted out cus i was overcome with emotion)
K: Look.....youre a good friend, but i dont like you like that. (in a soft kind voice)
Me: *sobbing uncontrollably from this point till she hung up* (some more I love yous in there, some other stuff) and: (i put a shotgun in my mouth and the only reason i didnt blow my head off was because i thought you still had feelings for me"
K: well maybe you should see a therapist or something (soft voice ends, annoyed voice starts)
Me: K i love you
K: look u should see a therapist or something
Me: K please can you just talk to me i love you, thers not a day thats gone by where i havent missed you
K: you know what, i think you need to find god (she knew i was an atheist but didnt have a problem with it before)
Me: *something*
K: I think you need to find god
Me: K please i love you why are you acting like this...*i keep talking and i hear her pull the phone away from her ear and laugh to her friends and say "ughh hes still talking*
K: look i got to go
Me: k why cant u talk to me I love you. do you know why i called you over the summer?
K: *pause*
Me: I wanted to tell you that I love you and i wanted to give you a proper goodbye.
K: *silence*
Me: im sorry i told you i dont love, wahst the matter do you think im a drug addict or something
K: No
Me: k i love you so much
K: I have a boyfriend (back to the soft voice but with a little desperation in it)
Me: *something* *something* (at this poitn i was hysterical with sadness crying harder than i ever have in my life even as a kid) Just tell me you dont have feelings for me any more please, i need to hear it from you i have to hear it from you
K: ...I have to go, ill talk to you later (softer voice)
Me: Please K i love you, there hasnt been a day thats gone by that i ahvent thought about you or missed you i just have to see you again please...please i have to see you again
K: ....Ill talk to you later (softest tone of voice since picking up the phone)
Me: please i need to see you again i just have to see you i just want to say goodbye K i love you so much...if you dont have feelings for me anymore please say it K i love you i have to hear it from you i need to hear it
Me: K?! Are you there?
Me: Hello?!
K: i have to go ill talk to you later.
Me: K please!... K!
K: *hangs up*
the worst crying done in my life were because of repeatedly recalling and remembering that conversation. ive analyzed and analyzed it every word she said how she said it when she said it. analyzed what the pauses could have meant, what her refusal to outright admit that she didnt have feelings for me meant towards the end of the convo. Because after a little while after the convo started she said she didnt like me like that but after i started talking and explaining she didnt repeat it, she just kept avoiding the answer saying she had to go. That is the sliver of hope i hold on to, her not outright saying she doesnt have feelings for me anymore meaning she still might somewhere, even just a little. the past 2 times ive been in love i had gotten over because both of thsoe girls were 2 years older than me and went off to college and i got over them, plus i didnt really know those two, it was more of a crush thing i had on them maybe not really love. I havent gotten over K because she is the only one thats accessible. We go to diff colleges but i know where she lives, works, i have her number, we used to be good friends, i know her friends etc. if she vanished into thin air like the previous two im sure i wouldve gotten over her. anyways, i was so sad and so hysterical i didnt know what to do. Suicide was all of a sudden the last thing on my mind. I think because of this, subconsciously i may have wanted for her to feel sad if i killed myself but after knowing she wouldnt really care the suicidality vanished but i was stuck with even more severe depression. that was the first time i prayed to god/jesus asking him to spare my soul and save me from the sadness, i sat and watched the 700 club every day for about a week, prayed about 10 times a day. every time i would think about her and feel that rush of sadness coming up i would get on my knees and pray to jesus as my lord and savior, ask him to protect me from satan ask him to help me fight off this sadness. that was my first phase of the christianity trial, it ended about a week after spring semester in college started up. i was still depressed and still sad about her but no longer needed god to pray to. i cried pretty much 24/7 for the next 6 months. on and off every other day or so for a few months more. everyone in my campus building knew me as that really hot but depressed suicidal guy that never talks. they all knew i was searching for a shotgun so they left me alone, moreso after the virginia tech incident cus they didnt want me to go on a killing spree before i killed myself if i ever did. every time i got drunk and didnt fall asleep, during the comedown of the alcohol i sobbed and always about her.
i slowly, very slowly started to get over it a little around november/december 2007. i had started to grow my hair out during december 2006 and was getting even more attention from girls that usual so im sure that helped put stuff out of my mind. i was still miserable though. i called K again on christmas of 2007 and left a message "so you never called me back, i hope we can talk" but she didnt reply. i was drunk at the time too i figured if i wasnt then i would cry my ass off if she rejected me again but she never picked up. the suicidality slowly began to come back when i realized that i would be suspended from school for spring 2008 semeester for not keeping a 2.0 GPA. i was too depressed to study and had 0 motivation and nothing would stay in my head when i did try. i tried to get a job but mostly just spent the days sleeping, crying, playing world of warcraft, and watching tv. nothing else really happend till a few months ago. i wrecked my car while text messaging and got another one. that 2nd car i wrecked on my way to school for the summer term ( iwas reinstated but placed on academic probation) and was charged with a DUI even though i wasnt under the influence of anything. now i dont have a car but w/e. my dad drives me to school and i try to study cus i know i need to really hard. but this difficult teacher im stuck with yells at me for nodding off for 2 seconds in class and has accused me of stealing tests. throughout the previous months i resumed mys hotgun shopping and research on overdosing on diff meds. im over 18 so i can get a shotgun easily i just dont have the money for it now. i wanted to die and still do but am now more passively suicidal since i accepted christ again tonight. only reason was cus i looked up K's myspace which is set to private but i saw her new main picture and it just made me so sad all over again. i sobbed for quite a while, prayed for quite a wihle, and now here i am on this forum posting about how to stay a christian. unless uve experienced it u can never know how it feels to feeel like the world is closing in on you and to feel such sudden aloneness and unexplainable sadness stemming from one thing but eminating from all things. i used to curse god before my first trial into christianity and again before this current trial. i just need to know how im supposed to stay. Trying to believe in a god is like trying to convince myself the sky is orange. I know i cant do it the logical way because logically god does not exist, i cant deny that. what i have to convince myself is that god is above logic, i have to have faith and faith is blind. I need that faith. during my first trial all i did was pray. i wasnt baptized ive never set foot in a church or talked to a priest or touched a bible so im guessing i have to do those things. im just wondering tho at the same time if i will wake up tomorrow and be like "lol i tried to be christian again" and continue doing what i was doing before.
only reason i have posted this is because the anonymity of the internet is the best outlet to open up emotionally. therapists dont work for me, around real people my emotions dissapear. no i dont mean they are bottled up around people, i mean around people my emotions suddenly become nonexistent. i become a purely nonemotional person. so i QQ on the web. ive accepted jesus christ as my lord and savior. i want to continue to accept him because i hope my depression will be cured. yes i still want to die and yes im still depressed but its not that bad after since i accepted christ an hour and a half ago. i hope it will continue to get better.
say what you want to say because i have nothing more
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