Dependency etc

[lmarie23]

Hi everyone,

So lately I've been wrestling with issues of dependency. My counselor thinks I am too dependent on my friends. He says I go to them too much with my problems. And I think he's right. Two of my friends have also been talking to me lately about how I go to them for help instead of turning to Christ. My friend who is in seminary just wrote me an email today about how my friends can't save me, only Christ can save me. <sigh> Being BPD, I seem to be all or nothing, I either go to my friends all the time, or I try to do things completely on my own. Doing things completely on my own doesn't work, and going to my friends all the time isn't working that well either, apparently. It seems like though, whenever I tell myself, Lynne, you can figure this problem out, you're fine, then immediately I panic and I end up writing someone an email or calling them. Is it really that bad to be dependent on other people? Can any of you identify with my struggle? Everyone always says, "Depend on Jesus," which is a nice thing to say but hard to work out in practice. I guess I'm just lacking faith.

And another thing. Why is that whenever one mentions the thought of suicide people assume that you are looking for attention? I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts lately, but I can't seem to have a normal conversation with anyone about it. They just seem to assume that I am trying to get something from them, or trying to get attention from them. I'm doing quite well lately, and don't have the slightest intention of acting on these thoughts, they just have been an annoyance lately and I don't know how to get them to leave me alone. I guess maybe I should just keep this to myself. Again, I share too much with people. My counselor is right.

Lynne

 

[madison1101]

Becoming aware of our dependency issues is a great step in recovery. When I was first in AA for my drinking, I would use the telephone when I had the urge to self-destruct with alcohol, or anything else. I would call everyone in my phone book if necessary.

One day, I made 10 phone calls to friends and support people, just to get their voice mails or kids answering the phone. Not one human out of 10 phone calls. Then the light bulb went on in my head. I had not prayed and sought God's help for dealing with my feelings.

Use this insight to start making changes. Pray first before going to a friend. Pray and seek the Lord's peace in each matter. See if the call to the friend is really necessary.

I am happy to say that now, I am not as dependent on friends, though I still like talking to them.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[berry2000]

((((Lynne))))
Wow I really relate to what you wrote. Although no one has ever told me i was too dependent (I'd be offended) I seem to be all or nothing with my friends. I don't seem to know how to find the right balance between not needing poeple at all (I tend to error on this side) and needing them too much. And then when I need them and they are not available...yikes! And the suicidal thoughts...I am so sorry to hear you struggling with those. They are a real pain in the .... and you are so right...there really is no one you can talk to about them without people misunderstanding...but Trish is right you can talk to God about them...or write out your feelings...I tend to lean toward poetry.

I am learning...slowly...very slowly...that no one can be there for you all the time...except yourself...and God. Somehow God seems far off...and well I never been able to count on myself...but I am really working on that part...learning to talk to myself and be nice to myself...and turn to God. Truth is I'm right in the middle of the battle with you...and I mostly turn to my friends or my therapist at this point.

All that to say...if you are becoming aware of something...don't kid yourself...you are indeed making progress just bringing it to a concious level.

 

[madison1101]

((((Lynne))))
Wow I really relate to what you wrote. Although no one has ever told me i was too dependent (I'd be offended) I seem to be all or nothing with my friends. I don't seem to know how to find the right balance between not needing poeple at all (I tend to error on this side) and needing them too much. And then when I need them and they are not available...yikes! And the suicidal thoughts...I am so sorry to hear you struggling with those. They are a real pain in the .... and you are so right...there really is no one you can talk to about them without people misunderstanding...but Trish is right you can talk to God about them...or write out your feelings...I tend to lean toward poetry.

I am learning...slowly...very slowly...that no one can be there for you all the time...except yourself...and God. Somehow God seems far off...and well I never been able to count on myself...but I am really working on that part...learning to talk to myself and be nice to myself...and turn to God. Truth is I'm right in the middle of the battle with you...and I mostly turn to my friends or my therapist at this point.

All that to say...if you are becoming aware of something...don't kid yourself...you are indeed making progress just bringing it to a concious level.

I forgot to mention that a lot of my prayers are actually written in a journal.

Jouranal prayers are great because I just pour my heart out to Him, and sometimes I write Bible verses in my prayers.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[lmarie23]

Becoming aware of our dependency issues is a great step in recovery. When I was first in AA for my drinking, I would use the telephone when I had the urge to self-destruct with alcohol, or anything else. I would call everyone in my phone book if necessary.

One day, I made 10 phone calls to friends and support people, just to get their voice mails or kids answering the phone. Not one human out of 10 phone calls. Then the light bulb went on in my head. I had not prayed and sought God's help for dealing with my feelings.

Use this insight to start making changes. Pray first before going to a friend. Pray and seek the Lord's peace in each matter. See if the call to the friend is really necessary.

I am happy to say that now, I am not as dependent on friends, though I still like talking to them.

Hugs,
Trish

Thank you, Trish. I feel better with the knowledge that realizing my dependency is the first step to recovery. I also like your idea about praying first, then calling a friend if it's necessary afterwards. I should really put that in practice. I think I will work on that. Thanks!

Lynne

 

[lmarie23]

((((Lynne))))
Wow I really relate to what you wrote. Although no one has ever told me i was too dependent (I'd be offended) I seem to be all or nothing with my friends. I don't seem to know how to find the right balance between not needing poeple at all (I tend to error on this side) and needing them too much. And then when I need them and they are not available...yikes! And the suicidal thoughts...I am so sorry to hear you struggling with those. They are a real pain in the .... and you are so right...there really is no one you can talk to about them without people misunderstanding...but Trish is right you can talk to God about them...or write out your feelings...I tend to lean toward poetry.

I am learning...slowly...very slowly...that no one can be there for you all the time...except yourself...and God. Somehow God seems far off...and well I never been able to count on myself...but I am really working on that part...learning to talk to myself and be nice to myself...and turn to God. Truth is I'm right in the middle of the battle with you...and I mostly turn to my friends or my therapist at this point.

All that to say...if you are becoming aware of something...don't kid yourself...you are indeed making progress just bringing it to a concious level.

Thanks, Berry. It is good to feel like I'm not alone. Yeah, I was pretty hurt when people told me I was too dependent, but not too hurt to realize they had a point.

I write poetry too, but not as much lately. I should get back into it. Do you have any poems you might want to share? I love poetry.

This week should be good for me because my closest friends and my counselor are all away for the week, so I'm having to deal with stuff on my own. We'll see how it goes.... God does seem far off lately. I need to work on my relationship with Him.

Lynne

 

[AnointedPoetess]

Hi everyone,

So lately I've been wrestling with issues of dependency. My counselor thinks I am too dependent on my friends. He says I go to them too much with my problems. And I think he's right. Two of my friends have also been talking to me lately about how I go to them for help instead of turning to Christ. My friend who is in seminary just wrote me an email today about how my friends can't save me, only Christ can save me. <sigh> Being BPD, I seem to be all or nothing, I either go to my friends all the time, or I try to do things completely on my own. Doing things completely on my own doesn't work, and going to my friends all the time isn't working that well either, apparently. It seems like though, whenever I tell myself, Lynne, you can figure this problem out, you're fine, then immediately I panic and I end up writing someone an email or calling them. Is it really that bad to be dependent on other people? Can any of you identify with my struggle? Everyone always says, "Depend on Jesus," which is a nice thing to say but hard to work out in practice. I guess I'm just lacking faith.

And another thing. Why is that whenever one mentions the thought of suicide people assume that you are looking for attention? I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts lately, but I can't seem to have a normal conversation with anyone about it. They just seem to assume that I am trying to get something from them, or trying to get attention from them. I'm doing quite well lately, and don't have the slightest intention of acting on these thoughts, they just have been an annoyance lately and I don't know how to get them to leave me alone. I guess maybe I should just keep this to myself. Again, I share too much with people. My counselor is right.

Lynne

Hey Lynne,
I can totally relate to you because I'm having dependency issues too. It's seeming to be getting worse now because before I just looked for that emotional dependancy in my friends but now it's like I look to everyone for it and it just makes me so depressed and mad because I want to stop lookin' but I can't, ya know? It's like I'm trying to get the emptiness inside of me filled so that I'd be happier an' all that. But certain people I dont look for it in because I know they aren't like me.. I dont know I just feel really idiotic because of how needy and clingy I have always been and am! just so frustrating..

 

[angelluv]

I totally relate with you. I have BPD also and it's hard to deal with sometimes. Because you either want to deal with problems yourself, or you rely on your friends. I relyed on my friends so much that it got to where I had an attachment with one of them, making them be the on I went to most. Sometimes BPD can make it rough for you to go on, especially with the suicidal thoughts. I wish you luck with all this, and I'll be sending out prayers!

 

[prairieweasel]

I used to use be dependant on my boyfriends for help and as a vent to tell them everything how I felt. It put a lot of stress on them, and over time they couldnt stand it anymore. I guess my negative and ever changing moods made them depressed too. Now I find myself isolating from people, in order to protect myself from being thought of as being crazy and to not upset anyone else. These irregular moods make me seem like I am crazy and I cant coup them up. I odnt want to let others see how stupid I act at times. I cant ever be fully comfortable when I am with friends, and especially when I am meeting new people. But at the same time, I feel like I need to have friends as support structures, and in order to not feel horribly depressed. If I odnt have any friends, I feel like no one wants me and that puts me into an even deeper depression.

 

[AnointedPoetess]

I'm really struggling with my dependancy because I have DPD (Dependant personality disorder) I want to be loved, cared about, and nutured so bad it hurts. Why doesnt anyone seem to care? I'm feeling like imma loose it or go into deep withdrawl from everyone.

 

[Taylor43]

I'm really struggling with my dependancy because I have DPD (Dependant personality disorder) I want to be loved, cared about, and nutured so bad it hurts. Why doesnt anyone seem to care? I'm feeling like imma loose it or go into deep withdrawl from everyone.

I feel this way too allot so wanting to be nurtered and know i am cared for it makes me sad too i feel so needy.

 

[madison1101]

I feel this way too allot so wanting to be nurtered and know i am cared for it makes me sad too i feel so needy.

I had to learn to nurture myself. Self-soothing has helped me tremendously.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Taylor43]

I had to learn to nurture myself. Self-soothing has helped me tremendously.

Hugs,
Trish

That is so hard but i am starting to take time each day do something i enjoy right now i find reading helps and watching tv shows that brightens my mood. It hard especially when people in my life stresses me out.
Love
Taylor

 

[Erica81]

I totally can relate to being dependant. I cling to select people and I really end up smothering them. I dont like that I "need" people. It actually really makes me sick to my stomach because I try so hard to be strong and independent. I realized after awhile that the strong and independence that I show, is just a mask. It really stinks that when you come to finding out that you have BPD, that everything you thought was real prior to the diagnosis just became an illusion.

Dependency is a big problem. I find myself secluding myself from everyone here as of late because I hate needing people. I feel like I need to learn how to deal with these emotions alone and I dont wan tto bring anyone else down with me. It truly is great to know that I am not alone.

Erica