Denial

[madison1101]

I am still struggling with deep denial that I have been abused by a man I babysat for. I sought his attention, and willingly participated in our relationship for nine months, believing he loved me and cared about me. I was fifteen when this all occurred.

I don't understand why I am still stuck. I have been in therapy for almost twenty years, and have dealt with an eating disorder, alcoholism, and mental illnesses, as well as self-harm. I look back on what happened and see myself as a seductress who wrecked a marriage.

I believe this is really messing up my ability to heal, and move on with my life in a lot of areas, and just want to introduce myself and say "Hello."

Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

Big to you.

First off you were a child and really abused by this man. He took advantage of the innocence of a young girl. I bet you really looked up to him, and this man basically used that for his sick sexual behavior and personal addictions. Why do you think we are hearing about all of these young boys/girls being sexually abused in high school and are now coming forward.
You may even have mixed feelings of emotions for the guy and feel guilty for those emotions. I hate to say it, but it was emotional rape in my view

I look at my son who is now at the age this happened to you, if a sexual predator was to come along ( who by the way know all the new tricks) he may just get sucked in. This is why I am always talking to him, and keeping a close eye out.

Most of us didn't have this support of our parents back in the 60's and 70's My son is becoming an adult but still has the innocence. This is the time these young people really need direction.

After some time of recovery and working hard on yourself, it is becoming clear to you a major hurt you have been trying to bury with the drinking. So now it is coming to the surface, and is time to heal.

Things you may consider to do:
Pray
Seek a professional who deals with sexual abuse.
Look for support groups who deal with this, there are some online as well.
and most of all Forgive yourself

So many ( in the short time ) that I have worked at the recovery home, are struggling with addiction for this very reason. Many come from dysfunctional homes and looked outside for emotional support, only to be taken advantage of.

 

[madison1101]

Big to you.

First off you were a child and really abused by this man. He took advantage of the innocence of a young girl. I bet you really looked up to him, and this man basically used that for his sick sexual behavior and personal addictions. Why do you think we are hearing about all of these young boys/girls being sexually abused in high school and are now coming forward.
You may even have mixed feelings of emotions for the guy and feel guilty for those emotions. I hate to say it, but it was emotional rape in my view

I look at my son who is now at the age this happened to you, if a sexual predator was to come along ( who by the way know all the new tricks) he may just get sucked in. This is why I am always talking to him, and keeping a close eye out.

Most of us didn't have this support of our parents back in the 60's and 70's My son is becoming an adult but still has the innocence. This is the time these young people really need direction.

After some time of recovery and working hard on yourself, it is becoming clear to you a major hurt you have been trying to bury with the drinking. So now it is coming to the surface, and is time to heal.

Things you may consider to do:
Pray
Seek a professional who deals with sexual abuse.
Look for support groups who deal with this, there are some online as well.
and most of all Forgive yourself

So many ( in the short time ) that I have worked at the recovery home, are struggling with addiction for this very reason. Many come from dysfunctional homes and looked outside for emotional support, only to be taken advantage of.

Thanks again. My therapist and I have been hammering away at this issue for 20 years. He and I wrangle with it, and I am okay during my periods of sobriety, but I have extreme "Daddy" needs and it all goes back to that abuse. My therapist and I spent my whole session discussing those needs yesterday. He kept referring to me as an abused teenage girl in the session, and I kept thinking he is wrong.

To add to my confusion, my son was molested by a perp who gave him marijuana when he was a teen. I suspected it, but had no name to report to the police, so all I could do was pray. It finally came out in the open in the past year, and I am saddened because my son was in rehabs for heroin addiction for a few years. I can call what happened to him abuse, but for me, it was different.

I have all the intellectual knowledge of what happened to me, but have not processed, or internalized it and it keeps tripping me up in therapy.

I hope this makes sense.

Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

Glad you are working with someone Trish. Hopefully the steps are helping as well.
And perhaps it needs to go from the head to the heart on forgiving yourself, the guy was a predator.
I am letting things go to as well, dragging them with me all of these years and learning the healthy way to deal with them.
I think most all of us in recovery have old baggage to let go of. Work in progress!
I guess I can compare it to going to the dentist, its painful in the process but afterward it is so worth it

 

[madison1101]

Glad you are working with someone Trish. Hopefully the steps are helping as well.
And perhaps it needs to go from the head to the heart on forgiving yourself, the guy was a predator.
I am letting things go to as well, dragging them with me all of these years and learning the healthy way to deal with them.
I think most all of us in recovery have old baggage to let go of. Work in progress!
I guess I can compare it to going to the dentist, its painful in the process but afterward it is so worth it

Thanks again. I really do have the head/heart disconnect going on. I think the hardest part for me these days is the transference issue I have going on with my therapist. I can acknowledge and understand it from a therapist's point of view, having been a teacher for over 20 years and getting the MSW and working in a psych hospital for a few years. I just am so ashamed of it and embarassed to talk about it with my therapist. It's a jumbled mess of "Daddy" issues mixed with the abuse, and the neediness I have experienced all my life, especially after the abuse. I hope that makes some sense...if I remember correctly you work in the field I think.

Anywho, I am still sober, and have been to two meetings in the past 12 hours. The urge to drink still exists, but I am working the steps, praying and trusting God for all of this.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[madison1101]

I just got done speaking with my therapist. He reminded me that what I am experiencing is a normal part of therapy, I just hate how it feels. I used to act out and self-destruct when to avoid these feelings at all costs. That is my gut instinct.

I am really hoping I get through this next few weeks without a meltdown.

Trish

 

[Criada]

It sounds as though you are doing all the 'right' things, sweetie.. it comes to a point where it's just a case of hanging in there and waiting. It will change, things will get better... you just have to ride out the tough times, and try to find something to distract you when you want to act out.
I know how it feels... I still struggle with huge guilt issues from abuse 30 years ago.. I know it wasn't my fault, and yet, part of me enjoyed it... and that's so hard to accept and move past.

But you'll get there, sweetie. God is with you, and He won't let you down.
Praying for you

 

[madison1101]

It sounds as though you are doing all the 'right' things, sweetie.. it comes to a point where it's just a case of hanging in there and waiting. It will change, things will get better... you just have to ride out the tough times, and try to find something to distract you when you want to act out.
I know how it feels... I still struggle with huge guilt issues from abuse 30 years ago.. I know it wasn't my fault, and yet, part of me enjoyed it... and that's so hard to accept and move past.

But you'll get there, sweetie. God is with you, and He won't let you down.
Praying for you

Thanks for the encouragement. My biggest struggle is the feelings I have about my therapist, which are the feelings I had toward my abuser and my father at the same time. I am only now beginning to realize that my shame and embarassment about my feeings toward my therapist is the shame and embarassment I feel about caring for my abuser. I was 15, and I thought I was in love with a wonderful man who was going to love me and cherish me. Never mind that he was 34, married and had three kids. My feelings toward my father, I am only now beginning to admit, include extreme anger for sending me away to live with relatives and not contacting me the entire time I was away. That abandonment just devastated me, and it occurred right before I met my abuser.

 

[4Everloved]

" *T (R) T*"

Fifteen is very young. It's easy for me to say that it's not your fault; easy for me to see. Harder for you, because you are in it.

I was raped at age 20. Sometimes I think I was old enough to know better than to walk with this person whom I'd just met on the street. Yet the walk turned into an attack and a loss of my virginity.

Just because you liked this man was no excuse for him to take advantage of you. You were only a child!

 

[madison1101]

" *T (R) T*"

Fifteen is very young. It's easy for me to say that it's not your fault; easy for me to see. Harder for you, because you are in it.

I was raped at age 20. Sometimes I think I was old enough to know better than to walk with this person whom I'd just met on the street. Yet the walk turned into an attack and a loss of my virginity.

Just because you liked this man was no excuse for him to take advantage of you. You were only a child!

My head agrees totally with you. But, when I am dealing with my feelings, they include a ton of guilt and shame, and embarassment over my part in my abuse.

I have had this head/heart disconnect for a very long time, and it is really hindering my overall recovery, not just my abuse recovery.

Thanks,
Trish

 

[Lucis]

I am still struggling with deep denial that I have been abused by a man I babysat for. I sought his attention, and willingly participated in our relationship for nine months, believing he loved me and cared about me. I was fifteen when this all occurred.

I don't understand why I am still stuck. I have been in therapy for almost twenty years, and have dealt with an eating disorder, alcoholism, and mental illnesses, as well as self-harm. I look back on what happened and see myself as a seductress who wrecked a marriage.

I believe this is really messing up my ability to heal, and move on with my life in a lot of areas, and just want to introduce myself and say "Hello."

Trish

Do you understand that even if you would be right about your thoughts, still it is considered abuse?

The laws about this is not just made for fun, but there is logic behind them. And the logic is that even if a underage person would feel like a relationship with an adult, still it is abuse, cause the underage person lacks the judgment that is needed to see if they are being used or not.

If a 15-year old girl came to me and said "lets have sex" I know that I would have not only said no, but also explained to her why she should not say things like that to adult. I would have known that it was against the law and even without the law I would feel that it would have been wrong, cause she would still be a child - if not physically, then mentally - and that she would lack the knowledge to see what she was doing. And if I in theory had lost control and given in to it, I am sure the first thing I would do after it, would be to realize with horror what a terrible thing I had done. I would apologize to her and turned myself in to the police and I would have liven the rest of my life in shame because of it, if I would have been able to live with it at all. And I know that this would be the common way for men to look at it. A man with good intentions would not let it happen, and if it happened, then most certainly not let it continue. But a man with wrong intentions would let it happen and let it continue, because his intentions would be to abuse.

Hope that you see by this that it was not your fault. You were being used.