Deeply Hurt about fiance's past

[SarahAblaze06]

Sweetheart, my heart goes out to ya.
If i had someone so close to me and that i loved so much tell me things like that i would most definately be hurt, even if it wasn't my significant other. I pray the Lord will give you wisdom and strength.
You are feeling not so much "love" towards him recently cuz you have being to hate waht he did and thsoe other people..but those visions you see he is in them and the hate is probly carrying over in some uninentional way. i think it was a mistake for the 2 of you to discuss every detail of what he did. I know a couple who has a minor similar situation in this case and they did/do not dicuss it in great length. It is simply the past. now i do not think you should discount the past entirely, but use it right. i think that he may need a bit more deep healing time to wash away soem of those things..and now you need that to wash those images away.-- that couple loved one another for who they had become and were excited about loving each other for who they will become together. i suggest you keep this idea in the forefront of your mind, with the advice of wise elders around you that you can consult, and most ultimately the counsel of the highest truth-the BIBLE!!

 

[Tuffguy]

Well I do not plan on leaving him because I love him with all my heart. Most times I just drown the past out of my mind especially when I see my fiance I forget about everything. He makes me really happy, but when I am alone all the problems come to me..the sadness and hurt. The way you guys put it if I was to leave him I know he would not be able to handle the pain and would go back to his previous life, maybe become even worse. He tells me all the time the he does not deserve me and his folks mention it all the time that how do I have so much patience for him. In a way I know that God sent me to help him and if he did not me have he would have not gave his life to God completely but like I said I can't get rid of this pain and why won't God just take it away from me if we are intended to be together?

If thats the case hes clearly unstable and you definitely don't need to be w/him.

 

[T_C]

There is a guy on this forum called Speccy....he gives wonderful advice on matters such as these. You should seek him out.



Good luck

 

[fukowjabycz]

Cut his pene off!!!

Filthy bugger.

 

[speccy]

There is a guy on this forum called Speccy....he gives wonderful advice on matters such as these. You should seek him out.



Good luck

Thanks old friend, I nearly have enough answers to match my questions.

Look the trick with being someone with a more troubled past than yourself is to understand that you will never understand what it is like unless you go out and do the same.

So the choice is up to you whether you wish to leave him or go and have some adventurs of your own.

 

[fukowjabycz]

Amen!

The only worthwhile judgment you could possibly make is through personal experience.

 

[simplegirl7]

He never repented...atleast that is what I would say. He always went to church but started taking it more seriously but there was never anything where he asked God to cleanse him and forgive him. He just stopped his bad ways cuz he saw what it was doing to his life and that's it. Ive worked on it but it definetly still hurts alot especially when he talks and jokes about girls which is often. He does not do it in a way that he likes them, its more of look how ugly she is, look how big her *** is, make sure you dont ever have boobs like that, he doesnt see a prob. with that but he loves me with all his heart and I know he would never cheat on me. It's just the past that bugs me and the fact that he is so experienced he knows so much about females.

 

[Nix]

He never repented...atleast that is what I would say. He always went to church but started taking it more seriously but there was never anything where he asked God to cleanse him and forgive him. He just stopped his bad ways cuz he saw what it was doing to his life and that's it. Ive worked on it but it definetly still hurts alot especially when he talks and jokes about girls which is often. He does not do it in a way that he likes them, its more of look how ugly she is, look how big her *** is, make sure you dont ever have boobs like that, he doesnt see a prob. with that but he loves me with all his heart and I know he would never cheat on me. It's just the past that bugs me and the fact that he is so experienced he knows so much about females.

The amount of women he has been with doesn't mean he is experienced! He could have been a selfish lover (only to please himself) There are many things still to be learnt and that can only be learnt in the marriage bed!

 

[shastajade]

Any more advice? I can use as much help possible because I really want to get through this some how.

I am going to tell you a story first off.

I got into a realationship with this guy and three weeks into it, he asked me about my sexual past. He was a virgin, and I was scared that if i told him how many partners i've had in the past he would leave me. I had to be honest though. I told him, he said he was fine, later that night, he broke up with me. He said everytime he thought about me, that is what he thought about rather than who I am now .

Now, first of all, I am not going to downplay how much it hurts you to have thoughts about the one you love being physical with other girls. I know! Please trust me when i say I do know!

I am currently with a guy i plan on marrying-hell and high water n' all-and if I would have known that God had him for me, I would never have slept with any guy in my whole life. I would take them all back in a heart beat. I wish i were pure like you are now. That's the best gift to give your husband. Luckily, God allows re-do's!

I know it is all how you deal with things. I know how you feel from your perspective, and yet I also know how your fiancee might feel from his perspective. I wonder sometimes if my past bothers my fiancee. If he thinks about that stuff. But reguardless, the fact that HE can let it go, enables ME to let it go. I know I messed up in the past, but I cannot change it, and he knows that, so he doesn't let it tear me up in regret by letting it tear him up.

Please know, I know it is hard to think about. I have mental pictures of my fiancee with other girls sometimes too. He isn't a virgin. However, I know that is not who he is now. Your fiancee may be struggling to let go of all those memories of stupid things he did. I know I struggle with it still. But as long as you are holding on to it, he will have no choice but to. You need to pray that if it is God's will that you two be together, he enables you to let all of that go.

Pray against the thoughts. That is not the types of things God wants us to think about. Therefore, those thoughts are not of God! Pray against them. They are there to tear you guys down and destroy your relationship.

This is hard to do I understand. It kills me to see the pain your in because I feel it since i've felt it before.

The guy that broke up with me for my past tried coming back, but i said no. I am not going to be with someone who cannot let my past go. However, he said that he had a friend who married a former prostitute. The guy had many problems in the beginning, but God helped him overcome them. And now they are happily married.

The thing about you being insecure. Wow! How much I am all the time! Been there too. Just remember, you have been very virtuous by staying pure. Virginity is beautiful. Its innocence. And boy does God love innocense. If you are supposed to marry this guy, then you need to make sure your over all of these insecurities and thoughts first. That way, when you do get married, on your wedding night, you will know that he is making love to you-so pure and so beautiful- and not thinking about any other girl from the past. God will bless your relationship. If your mean to be, you will satisfy him in every way. Sexually, physically, etc. He will love everything about you.

But on the jealousy subject-pray against that too. Love is not jealous. Don't stop him from looking at other girls. Im sure when he does, he is not thinking bad thoughts. They are just passing him by with no thought at all. Pray for confidence within yourself. You will push him far far away if you start being jealous. Prove to him your different. Don't keep your concerns in and not tell him honestly how you feel sometimes (in a non accusing way) but at the same time, dont try to control where he looks. Just pray and trust that if your supposed to be with him, he will have no desire to look at any other girl.

I know all of this is a lot easier said than done, but if you want to be with him, without trust issues, doubt, insecurity, fear, inadequacy, etc, your going to have to start praying hard about it.

If you need to talk, im here. Pm me .

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Hon,

Pray VERY hard about this!

1) You aren't meant to fix him - noone is sent to fix another person - that is God's domain.

2) You say he criticises other women, tells horrible jokes, puts down people about their weight - all these things flash warning bells in my head - cos one day, that will be you - I've been there, thought they'd never do it to me, and they did.

3) You can't deal with his past - then in that case, you shouldn't even think about marrying him yet (I said YET, ok)... it will go into your marriage with you, and unless you can honestly say that it will NEVER come up on your part in an argument, then there's no point in getting into a marriage.

4) You aren't communicating with him about this - BIG warning. If you can't communicate your issues now, you never will. Start doing this. Talk about the things that bother you. If he makes fun of it, or yells at you, walk away - you don't have to put up with it. You are putting some issues on the table for a mature discussion and resolution, and if he can't give that to you - leave. Simple as that. Take time out, and tell him that you need to talk about it without being made to feel like an idiot or being yelled at, and so you will leave until he can give you this.

5) You talk about a temper - another warning. Someone who gets heated in a disagreement is ok, but a real temper where he lashes out and says stuff he doesn't mean, is not someone you want around yourself or your kids. It plays a horrible game of psychological warfare on yourself and you don't need that.

My advice would be to try and talk to him about the stuff you have problems with - and see how he responds. If he calls you an idiot, makes light of it or gets angry, that's a pretty big NO in my book. If however, he can sit down, acknowledge your concerns, and stand with you in resolving them, then there is hope. You need someone who can stand by you in prayer to resolve problems (whether yours or his), and if you don't have that, well, there's a lot of stuff that will end up negatively affecting your marriage.

Next step is to see how you feel without him. Build yourself up a life that doesn't involve him. Go out with friends one day/night a week. Take up a sport that you enjoy. Get some hobbies going that you are interested in - anything that gives you a life outside of him. This is great for whether you break up or not. You need some stuff for yourself, that doesn't involve an SO.

If this person is creating negative feelings about yourself, or negative attitudes in yourself AT ALL, then that's a pretty good warning right there. I would hold off on ALL marriage discussions (even if this means giving the ring back), until these issues were resolved. Seriously sweetheart, you don't want this stuff unresolved on your wedding night.

And about the sex - all his sexual behaviours seem to be rooted in self-pleasure, taking women for granted, and doing what he wants with them, without thought of their own feelings. This NEEDS to be broken in him BEFORE you get married - otherwise those attitudes WILL creep into your own bed. I have friends who have experienced this, and it took a HECK of a lot of work to break it in themselves. They did it before they got married, and it seriously saved their sexual life in marriage.

pray you work all this out!

Sasch

 

[invisiblebabe]

A few things:

First of all, forgiving someone and forgetting are two completely different things. Like it or not, past sins have consequences in this life. Sometimes God removes them; more often, He does not. And, like it or not, our past is a part of who we are now. If the consequences of his past choices are too much for you to handle, then there is no shame in deciding you cannot be with him.

Secondly, there is a HUGE difference between friendship and marriage. Deciding you cannot be FRIENDS with someone because of his past would be wrong, because friendship is not joining yourself with someone in all ways. Marriage is.

And finally, if he has the problems you say, it does sound like he isn't emotionally ready to be a husband.

 

[HeltonPrecision]

Wow , Lots of good advice I'm just going to say people change I know I have been threw it all and probably allot more than your Boyfriend ! Which I'm not proud of one bit ,God has entered my life and I prayed for forgiveness So my sins were washed away I'm trying "with God's HELP" To over come alcoholism I'm only 26 and after allot of downs in my life I turned to alcohol now it seems I cant leave the house or go out without drinking And you see people always say well its OK to have a few drinks NO its not because this is the way the Lord had me to look at it Why put your self even in any kind of situation Alcohol makes you blind to what is really going on and the old devil is just saying look at that fool hes putting a blind on HIMSELF! I'd just read your bible and pray that God will give you the wisdom you need to SEE ! And even if it doesn't work out you really need to forgive him it says:If ye forgive men their trespasses then ye heavenly father will also forgive you ,But if ye forgive men not their trespasses neither your father will forgive your trespasses I will pray for you and feel better remember God loves you so much that he gave us his only son! Know that is TRUE LOVE

 

[Tuffguy]

Why not? Would she still be held to the things that she did befopre being cleansed? Or are you merely worried about measuring up? I mean obviously we are all entitled to our own preferences but you would deny youself a beautiful and now Godly woman becuase of what she did when she was lost? No offense but that's just silly.

And why is promiscuity the kicker? Why is that the one that is "untouchable?"

I'll never understand that.

Thats not silly. Heres the thing. There is more then one woman out there that can make you a great wife. Why pick the one with the most baggage? I would expect a girl to look at me the same way.
Promiscuity often is a tell tale sign of other things. Men are possesive. They don't like the thought of THEIR wife having been shared with other men. Thats how i feel about it.

 

[Surfungus]

Yep, that pretty much hits the nail on the head.