Deeply Hurt about fiance's past

[pegatha]

You don't really know this man well enough to even consider marriage.

It's not just the fact that you haven't even known him all that long, although that is significant. It's not even the fact that you're too young and inexperienced to have a basis for comparing him to other guys, although that is also significant.

It's the fact that he only changed when he met you. You don't know how deep or lasting the change is, or whether he can sustain it when the initial excitement of the relationship wears off. It's easy to feel like a brand-new person when you're energised by love and hormones. Your bf may honestly believe that he has changed for the better, when in fact his infatuation with holiness is just an extension of his infatuation for you.

Yes it will haunt me even after we get married and that is what scares me most. I have never experienced so much pain, it is as if my heart has been torn in two. I cannot get my fiance's past out of my head. I could care less about the drinking and such, it is the woman that scar me so much.

Do you really want to live with these feelings and doubts for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then why are you setting yourself up for this?

I know that he is the one for me because for one we always know eachother's problems before I tell him or he tells me. We are so close that he knows when I am in trouble or if something is wrong with me or what just happened to me...Once I had a picture from God of our future and when I told him he had the same thing. I mean I could mistake it for being from God but I doubt it.

This is the sort of miracle that Satan can easily counterfeit. It's not enough to base your whole life on.

At the very least, you should give him a year without you in his life at all, to see if he continues to grow in Christ. That's the only way you can tell whether the changes in his life are from really from God or just from being in love.

 

[simplegirl7]

I think it's a bit sad if this guy is relying on you to stay "pure"... it's a bit like missionary dating actually.

I've been curious about this from the beginning... but is he a christian?

I am not sure if this question was for me but yes he is a Christian for those who are wondering and I did mention that in my first post..he was born in a Christian family and was a "so called" Christian his entire life except he did not live the life of a real Christian until we met and even in our relationship I have seen many of his struggles and how he would fall many time in things like smoking. He also has a bad temper problem and other things but I have always been very patient with him and still am.

 

[nahMish]

even though it truly does hurt to know the truth, i think that it is better to know all the things in someone's skeleton closest, no matter how big or small they are-before you get married...my exboyfriend and i were extremely serious, but i called it off mainly by the way that he talks to his family..not in the nicest way, and it just didnt sit right with me and i couldnt handle it..even though i do love him very much.

ask yourself this: was your fiance's conversion TRUE...has he TRULY passed from death to life? if that is so...God has forgotten his sins...and he is a SINNER saved by GRACE .....AND (wait for it...) a NEW CREATION..God has forgotten his sins....

im not saying that you should forget about it. please, dont walk down the aisle until you are completely sure that this will not worry you forever because its just setting you up for disaster. something else, if you are engaged- you should be completely sure by that point, probably not trying to figure it out..you and your man need to discuss & pray about this in length-and if the two of you have the connection that you say that you do, he wont just say "its okay"- dont worry..he will want to discuss it in length if he has the maturity to deal with it...because it is a very big issue...the bond between people that have sex, the bible says is a spiritual bond. those bonds, through prayer NEED to be broken. once you have utter faith that that has happened and you are CERTAIN you are doing the right thing, then marry him. dont keep this inside. you will have a rotten wedding day cos you will be petrified about what will happen that night...
DONT KEEP IT BOTTLED UP ! YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS AND PRAY EXTENSIVELY OVER IT ! dont go making huge wedding plans...yet.

 

[nahMish]

its not about YOU getting through it..its about the TWO OF YOU getting through it- you are engaged to become ONE person- his problems are YOUR problems. you need to get out of your room, stop crying and talk about this...
you need to break up if there is not true solution- sweeping it under the rug is not an option.
you also said that he has a "temper problem"- sounds like you are a bit blind to this guy. even though you love him, please think about this.
remember, God asked (was it jeremiah?) to marry Gomer, a PROSTITUTE...if God intends for you to get over this, you will. but dont delude yourself.

 

[IrishGob]

He also has a bad temper problem and other things but I have always been very patient with him and still am.

Is this for real? What "other things"?

So far we know that he has a past with drinking, smoking (pot?), casual sex with prostitutes, drooling and getting turned on by women at strip clubs, using women for sex, AND now you tell us he has a temper problem as well? I don't blame you for being worried about this guy. His past is flooded with signs that he is emotionally detached and sees women as sex objects. I hate to sound harsh but it really seems liek you are looking at this situation from too much of a romantic and wistful point of view. Saying how it's "meant to be" because you think the same things, how you are "saving him" from himself and his addictions, etc. It's like the Knight in Shining armor, but reversed.

I am begging you to PLEASE give this a lot of thought and prayer. My honest opinion is to run as far and as fast in the other direction as possible, but I know you won't do that. I was 18 once as well, and I know you think this is "the one". I thought that a few times. I was engaged when I was 19 to someone I thought was THE ONE. I was convinced no one would ever love me as much as him and that I'd never be able to love anyone else, etc .. Well, that wasn't true.

Only now at 38 have I found the right man and I THANK GOD every day that I waited. I look back and see how bad my life would have been had I married the guy I was with at 19. He was in a band, smoked pot, etc. Yeah, I tried to save him. Somehow there's somewhat of a "high" in being the good girl helping the bad boy. So I suffered through it. Also knowing he had been with other girls, etc.. But you know what? I actually listened to my parents and friends and broke it off. Thank God I did.

I will pray for you, but please think about this.

 

[seangoh]

Well, so far almost everyone has advised to you to keep a distance simplegirl. But i'd like to acknowledge that your fiance is someone special as you have seen him to be...no doubt about that. The issue here right now is not really on how you feel about him because i was young and in the same shoes as you were..i thought that she was "THE ONE"..and it turned out looking back, i realised i had a couple of "THE ONEs" which made me look like a fool come to think of it. So yes your fiance is special, but it doesn't mean you must continue to be in this relationship. It's not healthy for him to depend on you to keep his addictions at bay because it's not a firm foundation. Either you fall and he gets back to his addictions or he stops loving you as much and he's back to square 1. What i wish for is for him to depend on God to get rid of his addictions and make him a new creation. If you can find someone like that who becomes your fiance, then i will say you are in safe, dependable and godly hands which never gets weak because they know where they get their strength from.

 

[simplegirl7]

Is this for real? What "other things"?

Makes fun of people alot, makes hurtful jokes that are not funny.

He cannot go to church on sundays because he works for a guy's office just on sundays helping him out and every other day he does his other job, so it is hard staying strong spiritually for him. I have only seen him read the Bible a few times, though he always prays before eating and things like that. He is alot different than he was before.......he did change a great deal but there are still things to work on.

One thing for sure is that I am real glad I get to open up with you guys. After I opened up about my situation I started feeling easier inside, like a weight is slowly starting to lift and the last week I could not even imagine him with other girls....like the pain grew alot smaller. But then I also noticed as the pain started going away I haven't been feeling that much love towards him the last 3 days either. I don't understand.... I started getting irritated with all the things he does(even things I used to love about him), starting noticing his flaws, and I even started thinking about how I cannot wait until he goes home.

 

[pegatha]

Makes fun of people alot, makes hurtful jokes that are not funny.

Wow, what if you marry him and have kids? What would their lives be like?

Do you know how much it hurts to have your dad make jokes at your expense, especially when you're too little to verbally or emotionally defend yourself? Or how that affects you for the rest of your life? How your view of your father even affects your view of God?

I mean, your babies are helpless when they're little. Just be really careful choosing a father for them. When you get married, you're doing a whole lot more than just choosing a husband for yourself.

 

[hischildsindik]

God's forgiveness is instant. He throws our sins as far as east is from the west and remembers them no more.

Human forgiveness is a process. Or so I have found for myself. Simply because our minds and satan likes to throw our sins (when we need to forgive ourself of something God has forgiven us of) or anothers sins in our face and remind us of them. I know I make the decision to forgive and I have forgiven someone. But then I get reminded either by my own mind or satan, and I just have to keep telling myself and him that I have forgiven that person, I will not hold it against them. God does not forgive me sin and hold it against me after He has forgiven me. That's why I say it's a process, because after a while it does get less intense and the forgiveness decision I've made in my head gets deep down and then my mind or satan can no longer use them against me to try and bring strife in with reminders of the sins of others against me.

Please remember when God brings a mate into your life, He does not bring in someone you have to fix. God along with the cooperation of the person themselves have to do the changing, the fixing.

If you are concerned that he will go back to his old life if you break up with him, pray and do what is right. You are not responsible for his action or what he chooses. Keep him lifted up in prayer and that's the only thing you can do for him. He needs to do the rest. If that means this extra job he does on Sunday's gets put off until Sunday afternoon or evening so he can go to church, then he needs to do that to keep himself in relationship with God. We can continue to be christians without going to church, but the Word says do not forsake the fellowship of the brotheren. It is just good sense that a newer (and it sounds like he in his seriousness, irregardless of his christian family upbringing) christian keep themselves surrounded by christians and Godly friends. Remember he alone can do that. You are responsible for your actions and your main action in regard to him is prayer.

God bless you as you seek God's discernment in this situation. Stay strong and seek God.

 

[IrishGob]

Please remember when God brings a mate into your life, He does not bring in someone you have to fix. God along with the cooperation of the person themselves have to do the changing, the fixing.

AMEN sister! Some of the wisest advice I have seen on these boards.

 

[IrishGob]

I haven't been feeling that much love towards him the last 3 days either. I don't understand.... I started getting irritated with all the things he does(even things I used to love about him), starting noticing his flaws, and I even started thinking about how I cannot wait until he goes home.

Ah ha! maybe our prayers are working!


Sweet SimpleGirl, someday God will bring you a wonderful man that you will be PROUD of, not someone you have to fix. Someone you will be estatic about, head over heels for! A man that you won't have to make excuses for... You get the picture. And it will be wonderful AND worth waiting for. I promise.

 

[Sailor's Wife]

*

 

[seekingsomething]

Simple Girl. I understand the warnings that the people here are givin but understand that they do not know the whole situation and cannot give you advice that is 100%. Take some time out NOT to visit this or any other forum. Spend some time with God and in your own thoughts and talk to those around you who know you best. Everyone here means so well and wants the best for you, but they dont know what that is. GOD DOES x x x Isiah 55:8

 

[Nix]

Do you realize that he needs to be the spiritual head of the home? If he can't lead you spiritually now, how can he be an example and christ like when you are married.

You do not need to be spiritually strong for him. He needs to do this for himself.

 

[ind3pend3nt]

I believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason as to why simplegirl met her fiance. Maybe God is trying to build a stronger person out of you, maybe you have had a hard time with forgiveness all your life. I know God does not want you to suffer for the things this man has done in his past. You should set a great example for him, show him Christ's love. Let him see Jesus in you and everything that you do, do it from you heart and with happiness. May the joy the the Lord be your strength. I do not want to post about how you should break up with him or tell you that he has serious problems, we all see that. Since you do love him and he loves you, don't lose that. Never question God, He has everything planned out. Pray, pray, pray about your fiance. Everything will work out just fine. I hope you the best. God bless you sister!!!

 

[EmSchmem]

OK Kate... I read through a good deal of the thread and at some point you said you are accepting him. I would disagree with this. I can understand the insecurities but at the heart of the matter you do have to realize this is his past.

Let me tell you some about my life. I started dating my ex-fiance when I was 17. We started sleeping together a month and a half later and continued to off and on for the 3 and a half years we were together. Both of us used sex to get what we wanted and absolutely destroeyed one another emotionally.
When we broke up I went off the deep end. Despite the fact that this was the man I had planned to marry, I was sleeping with someone new in two weeks. Between that time and when I accpeted Christ almost 3 years later, I slept with more men thatn I remember and I don't know all of there names. I got involved with a married man. I was even at one point looking to have a woman to join my live in boyfriend and I in bed. I was SERIOUSLY messed up and messed up the lives of men who only wanted to love me. Along with that, I have struggled for many years with an addiction to masturbation.

I am married now to a wonderful man I met at church. I was not a Chrisitan the few couple times I met him but was interested anyway. I was dating someone else but wanted to be with him. After I accepted Christ, I made no moves towards him but it was pretty obvious how I felt. I prayed CONTINUOUSLY for God to give me the self control to make no moves toward him until it was time. And for God to have him make the moves. Long story short, here we are happily married.

So that is my past. The time before I was living a Godly life. Does my husband sometimes wonder if he is a sufficient lover for me? Yes. He actually worries more that I would rather be with my ex fiance because my ex in an engineer and makes really good money. So not the case. We talk through each of those times.

When it was time for us to have the talk about our past, he was so surpsied. he just couldn't see me doing that. Why? Becuase I am cleansed of all of that and it is not who I am. Now I am a pure, loving woman.

I can't tell you how exactly to get through this. It honestly sounds like your own insecurities more than a result of his own actions. He can't go back and undo those things. I would agree with the other who say you should not continue with plans to wed until you work through this.


Also, not to offend you or anything, it sounds like you are being self-righteous. So you saved yourself and didn't do those things he did. You are not without your own sin. His sin is no worse than yours, it's just different. I don't know if he would go undo those things if he could. I know I would't While they were painful and they were awful my mistakes allowed God to break me and that put me in the relationship I have with him today. Remember that Paul himself said he was the biggest of the sinners and often the biggest of the sinners experience the biggest grace. My husband does not see me as that promiscuous person and you really will need to learn to see your fiance as cleansed as well.

No I don't think this is going to be easy, but he is a child of God and DOES deserve your forgiveness.

Emily

 

[applepowerpc]

I'll just say it. I could not date a girl who was that promiscuous. There's no way. I've tried dating women more "experienced" than me, and I've heard the whole "you shouldn't judge" thing countless times. But...no. No way.

 

[mlukas]

despite all the forgivness talk and talk about "God brought you together.." etc etc, God also gave us all a brain. I'm not trying to be caustic, and I apologize if I come off that way. But THINK about it! He JUST got out of all that and he still has other issues, I think it's time you cut and run. You are 18, I agree with the other posts with my tone, you have your whole life to get married. This guy is responsible for his own behavior, despite whether or not you are with him. If all it would take for him to slip is for you two not to be together, I think that shows something. The best marriages are made by two strong people, not to mention a man who will be the spiritual leader.
to be blunt, dump him. I have 2 daughters, I would be giving them the exact same advice.

M

 

[EmSchmem]

I'll just say it. I could not date a girl who was that promiscuous. There's no way. I've tried dating women more "experienced" than me, and I've heard the whole "you shouldn't judge" thing countless times. But...no. No way.

Why not? Would she still be held to the things that she did befopre being cleansed? Or are you merely worried about measuring up? I mean obviously we are all entitled to our own preferences but you would deny youself a beautiful and now Godly woman becuase of what she did when she was lost? No offense but that's just silly.

And why is promiscuity the kicker? Why is that the one that is "untouchable?"

I'll never understand that.

 

[rainbowprism]

OP, do you not trust the blood of Jesus to cover your fiancees past sins? If he has repented and changed and focused his eye upon God then you HAVE to forgive truly. Otherwise you are basically saying that you don't trust the ability of Jesus to wash away sins. See what I'm saying?