Deeply Hurt about fiance's past

[simplegirl7]

Hi every1! I am Kate. Here is my problem:

1 year & a half before me and my fiance met he was living a really bad life. He was born in a Christian fam. and grew up in a Christian atmosphere and his folks never knew the life he lived and still don't know because he was a very well brought up kid and got away with things easy. He opened up to me and told me everything about his past. Before he met me since the age of 15 he drank, smoked, partied, went to strip clubs(got in through connections), picked up prostitutes, and had sex with over 7 girls over 30 times with each. If counted he had sex 210 times if not more before the age of 17. He never had a g/f but was close with one girl who they were so comfortable w/ eachother that they were always naked with eachother. I am a virgin and always set strict boundries for myself. I love my fiance with all my heart and I know God brought us together, I just feel it and never in my life have I loved anyone as much as I love him and has anyone ever in my entire life loved me so much as he does but sometimes I question God why did he bring us together? Why did I a virgin get the kind of guy that I would never date. These kind of guys were never on my list as a good b/f or future husband. He did change when we started dating, he quit everything and he always says if it was not for me he would either be dead by now or would be still in his horrible life. I know I should forget his past but when I am alone in my room I cry in my own privacy about it alot. I always imagine him and these girls in my head, how he had pleasures with them, how he had great times, how many naked bodies has he seen. I feel alot lower like what if he does not like my body, what if in his head he will be like "man if she only had her boobs, or if only she could do this position like that girl did," and so on. I am starting to hate girls because of my fear that he might decide someone else is better for him and because of his past. It is also bringing my self-esteem much lower. He knows some what how I feel but I got to let go since it is his past but I cannot. I cannot get these images of him and other woman out of my head. Two weeks may go by and I wont think about it but like I said when you are alone all the pain and hurt comes back to you and I cry about it alot. It hurts me so deeply. I don't know if I can ever get rid of this hurt. When we go places I make sure he does not look at girls, I get mad if he even turns his head towards a girl no intentions at all. I mean you cannot get rid of all the females walking around, your going to see them no matter what but I cannot take it. You guys will not believe how painful it is for me. I am struggling so hard with this and no matter how much I love him this is one thing I think that will cause problems for me. Becaue of such a thing I can even dump him because of so much hurt that is inside me, I do not know if I would be able to handle it. But other than him I know I will never love another guy again because God gave me him and I KNOW that I do not want to be with anyone else. How can I get over this pain? Is there a way? What can I do?

 

[uniqute]

Hi Simplegirl

Wow, well I really dont know what to say, except that I will pray for you and I guess prayer is really the only way we can get past stuff like this.

Your post really made me think about how our sins really do affect others - I'm sure your fiance never imagined how much pain his behaviour was going to cause his future wife!

Anyway, I guess all I'd suggest is that this is something you really need to have resolved before you get married

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk

 

[simplegirl7]

And it hurts even more probably because it was not too long ago, for me a year and a half is not that long ago. He is 19 now, lived this sinful life almost until he was about 17 1/2. The last time he had sex was a week before we met. The first 2 months we were together he was still smoking and drinking but quit with alot of my help and ecouragement.

 

[uniqute]

How long have you guys been together?

 

[seangoh]

Hi Kate,
I'm sorry to hear that. I can almost feel the pain that you're experiencing knowing your fiance did all this. Indeed, the thing that haunts a person would be how your partner views you in comparison to other girls. And i think it's normal to have all those worries and insecurities as you have. I am not a trained counsellor so i'll just give you my own opinions. I feel you should give yourself some time off. Perhaps take the relationship slow or even seperate from him for a while. Because the problem that exists is your thoughts about him and his girls. Do consider it and ask yourself whether these kind of thoughts would continue to haunt you even after you've married him. If yes, then sit down and rationally think of a solution because if you follow through with the marriage, you are the one who isn't going to be happy and satisfied no matter how much he assures you. I would advise you seek some professional christian advice too.

But other than him I know I will never love another guy again because God gave me him and I KNOW that I do not want to be with anyone else. How can I get over this pain? Is there a way? What can I do?

For this, i'm sorry Kate, but i'll have to question you on this statement. These are the questions:
How did you know it was God's gift of him to you? When we talk about God speaking to us, we must take this matter very seriously because as humans, our thoughts are not his thoughts and unless we are spiritually in tune with God OR if God wants to let us know something, then we can't say that this is God's idea for sure.

Also, while it is true that you do not want to be with anyone else currently, it may not be true that you wouldn't want to be with someone else next time.You are still very young at 18 and there are tons of nice guys out there. You are just swimming in a pond without knowing there is a way out to the ocean with other fishies you can play with and know about.

Lastly, pray to God that you have the strength to do the right thing. It's always a struggle against our emotions to do what is right. It's a struggle for me too. Let's stick close to God continually.

 

[simplegirl7]

Do consider it and ask yourself whether these kind of thoughts would continue to haunt you even after you've married him. If yes, then sit down and rationally think of a solution because if you follow through with the marriage, you are the one who isn't going to be happy and satisfied no matter how much he assures you.

To be honest, if I do not figure how to cope with this or get rid of the hurt then yes it will haunt me even after we get married and that is what scares me most. I have never experienced so much pain, it is as if my heart has been torn in two. I cannot get my fiance's past out of my head. I could care less about the drinking and such, it is the woman that scar me so much.
I know that he is the one for me because for one we always know eachother's problems before I tell him or he tells me. We are so close that he knows when I am in trouble or if something is wrong with me or what just happened to me. Sometimes he will call and say did such and such happen to you and I will be like yeah how did you know and he will be like I could feel it and could see the whole thing. Once I had a picture from God of our future and when I told him he had the same thing. I mean I could mistake it for being from God but I doubt it.

 

[desi]

Another good girl with a 'former' bad boy? Before you tie the knot simplegirl17 remember God is not making you do it. The time to cut this off is now if you are unable to accept the man as he is.

 

[simplegirl7]

I am accepting him the way he is and want to badly but it's the hurt I cannot get rid of, Ive tried and it does not last very long.

 

[Nix]

Hi Simplegirl.... I know EXACTLY how you are feeling! I feel the pain you are feeling because I was once there too.

Before I met my bf I was praying to God about the future man he had for me. I felt God ask me what if He gave me a man who wasn't a virgin. Of course I couldn't deal with this and told God it wouldn't be fair, but I finally dealt with it and accepted.

9 months later I met a man who had been apart of my church longer than I and we became fast friends that lasted 7 months. The weekend gone by was our 1 year and 3 months together and we plan to marry at the beginning of 2005.

Now I was having lunch with him on Sunday afternoon and I always assumed that he was a virgin until I actually asked him!! Lets just say that his answer made me loose my appetite and a I couldn't carry on eating for the life of me!! How embarressing!

But I was calm and I listened and I had a VERY hard time for the next 3 or so months. I couldn't stop my imagination from going wild and thinking about it and feeling the exact same things you have explained.

Ways that I dealt with it was telling him how I felt about everyhing and anything concerning his past and actually discussing all of it with him.
I told him to NEVER tell me how many he had been with or how many times or what things he did with these woman. This limited my imagination from possible toture!
I kept on reminding myself that the past is the past, and it's his past.

I would suggest that the both of you talk to another godly couple about this share with them your concerns.
Definilty pray about it.
If you need to take a break, take a break just to get your thoughts together and give this all to God.
Look to the future.

Please feel free to e-mail me, I would love to chat with you.
justnix@hotmail.com

 

[simplegirl7]

Any more advice? I can use as much help possible because I really want to get through this some how.

 

[lilray]

Yikes?!?!? Has he been tested for STD's? I understand your heartache. I definitely suggest putting your wedding on hold until you are completely at peace with his past. I'd also recommend talking to a pre-marrital christian counselor. Usually every church has pre-marrital counseling.

 

[LadyBird]

It seems to me that you cannot forgive this man for his past. If that is the case, DO NOT marry him. Things will not change after you say "I Do," if anything, you'll probably just be even angrier and more resentful. Do not marry your fiance until you can accept his past and not be jealous. Jealousy is DEADLY to a relationship. The Bible describes jealousy as as strong as the grave. Get some councelling together...but do not get married if you feel like this.

 

[Bookman]

Well, my advice (please don't ignore it because I'm older than you) is that at 18, you're too young to be so sure about loving this guy. You need to grow up some more before you get serious with this guy. Give your relationship a LOT of time. Remember this MAY not be the right guy. The right guy, whom you'll love even more than this guy, may be a couple or years away or more. Don't assume this guy is for you yet. Wait!

 

[Cright]

Well, my advice (please don't ignore it because I'm older than you) is that at 18, you're too young to be so sure about loving this guy. You need to grow up some more before you get serious with this guy. Give your relationship a LOT of time. Remember this MAY not be the right guy. The right guy, whom you'll love even more than this guy, may be a couple or years away or more. Don't assume this guy is for you yet. Wait!

... someone told me this once when I was head over heels for a man that I dated for nearly 4 years. I hated hearing it, I didn't believe it, and I was upset because I wanted help to improve not leave. ..so I didn't take the advise and I ended up getting emotionally hurt very badly.

After a year of not wanting to look at guys because I knew that "the one for me" wasn't out there... I started relaxing and not worring one way or another about guys... I started to become a single happy person.

Then lo and behold.. I met my bf. He's amazing, everything I told my mom I wanted in a husband since I was 15 yrs old. He loves God, he wants to go to church on Sunday, he reads the bible and helps me learn. We focus together on how we can improve with each other. I hope he will be my husband and we can grow in our faith together.

Thank God for unanswered prayers! (ever heard that song by Garth Brooks?)

I'm not saying this will happen to you.. or that you should break up w/ your fiancee. Just keep an open mind and know that God is with you! Even when things hurt... it can be for the better.

God Bless,
Carina

edited to say: and I'm not a whole lot older than you... 26

 

[simplegirl7]

Well I do not plan on leaving him because I love him with all my heart. Most times I just drown the past out of my mind especially when I see my fiance I forget about everything. He makes me really happy, but when I am alone all the problems come to me..the sadness and hurt. The way you guys put it if I was to leave him I know he would not be able to handle the pain and would go back to his previous life, maybe become even worse. He tells me all the time the he does not deserve me and his folks mention it all the time that how do I have so much patience for him. In a way I know that God sent me to help him and if he did not me have he would have not gave his life to God completely but like I said I can't get rid of this pain and why won't God just take it away from me if we are intended to be together?

 

[Warrior Poet]

simplrgirl nobody doesn't not want you to get married but look at the advice given I would give much of the same but its all been covered if he loves you he is gonna understand. If marriage is to him what its suppose to be then he wont mind waiting and you shouldnt either. When you are alone is when the feeling are present, and your man wont be around 24/7. He for one needs to understand the longrvity of the committment FOREVER.... its a hard concept to grasp at 28 or 33, let alone 18.
Why wont God take away they pain. Sometimes He tells us things with signs, something I used to hate cause EVERYTHING could be a sign. But if you reflect on the current state you are in it should become apparent that God is communicating with you or He is trying. God shouldnt have to try.

Warrior Poet

 

[meeko]

Well, my advice (please don't ignore it because I'm older than you) is that at 18, you're too young to be so sure about loving this guy. You need to grow up some more before you get serious with this guy. Give your relationship a LOT of time. Remember this MAY not be the right guy. The right guy, whom you'll love even more than this guy, may be a couple or years away or more. Don't assume this guy is for you yet. Wait!

I agree here.....

I was in a relationship that I was SURE I was going to marry him, but now 2 years later I can see that we were not ment for eachother at all.

Dont rush in to marrage, you have your whole life to be married. God would never lead you into anything that is not good for you, or something that you are uncomfortable with.

I would suggest spending alot of time with God on this issue and prepare to listen to what he has to say, whatever it is, even if you dont want to hear it!!
He will leave you with an outcome that is both good and comfortable to you!

Also, when people have voids in their life they tend to fill them with anything like Sex, drugs, even other people or hard work, these gaps can only really be filled by God. Make sure that your fiance is not using you to fill the void left by his old lifestyle, make sure it is God.

 

[tintexas]

I have a small bit of advice.. I think the answer to your problem is forgivness.

I think someone on here has a signature that says

"To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you"

I think you need to pray for the grace to forgive him. To forgive means to wipe it out- not to be mentioned again.

Now for more personal advice. I married a man who had a "history" that really bothered me. Finally I asked him to share all of the gory details- everything.

Suprisingly he did not seem to remmeber too very much, and what he did remember was not nearly as exciting as I has imagined it would be.

That really made a difference in my jealousy and dealing with his past.
I hope that may help you.

 

[Surfungus]

I've never been in a situation like yours, but I do know that I would also be bothered by someone's past of that sort. I agree with those who have said to wait for marriage until you know you are sure. I'm going thorugh a really hard time myself with the person I want to marry. I don't know if it will or will not happen (it's not looking too good right now), but either way it wouldn't be fore quite a while. I'm the same age as you, and when I was younger I was sure I wanted to get married right out of high school. But now I know that it's smarter to wait. Even if the person I know now does turn out to be the one I marry, I feel it's smarter to wait until we are older.

You can still be together if you're not married. If you're still together and feel the same in your mid twenties, then you've probably got something quite special. I don't know if this has helped or not (I didn't really stay on track too well), but I hope for the best for you and your fiance. Just wait until you are both sure. Best wishes.

 

[Nix]

I've never been in a situation like yours, but I do know that I would also be bothered by someone's past of that sort. I agree with those who have said to wait for marriage until you know you are sure. I'm going thorugh a really hard time myself with the person I want to marry. I don't know if it will or will not happen (it's not looking too good right now), but either way it wouldn't be fore quite a while. I'm the same age as you, and when I was younger I was sure I wanted to get married right out of high school. But now I know that it's smarter to wait. Even if the person I know now does turn out to be the one I marry, I feel it's smarter to wait until we are older.

You can still be together if you're not married. If you're still together and feel the same in your mid twenties, then you've probably got something quite special. I don't know if this has helped or not (I didn't really stay on track too well), but I hope for the best for you and your fiance. Just wait until you are both sure. Best wishes.

I think it's a bit sad if this guy is relying on you to stay "pure"... it's a bit like missionary dating actually.

I've been curious about this from the beginning... but is he a christian?