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Deconversion?

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Joy

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Because, to be honest, even thinking of Jesus at the moment is too painful. It feels as though a piece of my heart has been torn out... the loss of that relationship is very hard to accept, and almost impossible to talk about..

I have not written until not but have been praying for you and will continue to do so.

What you write here shows no matter how much you try to get away from Jesus, you cannot. Jesus loves you so much and in fact He would have came to die for you had you been the only person on earth because Jesus loves You so much. Jesus wants to restore You and heal Your broken heart.

I know your pain is great and overwhelming, but I would encourage you to reach out and talk in real life to a Christian even in another church about everything to get the obvious help and support that you need.
 
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bling

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Maybe I am not the one who has been blinded....

I have begged God so many times to give me just the tiniest sign that he is real, that he cares...
But there is only so long you can go on asking when there is never an answer. After knocking until your knuckles bleed, the only possibilities are that there is no-one behind the door, or that whoever is doesn't want to know you...

Jesus is knocking on the otherside of the door, you just have to open it.
Asking for a "sign" is not what you want to do since "...A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign..." Matt 16: 4. It does not help. A tree is a sign, the universe, life itself, and really everything is a sign that there is a God, but they can all be read differently.

Did my post 292 help?

The way Christ wants you to be introduced to Him is eye ball to eye ball, one on one telling you He wants to help and will be with you and everything can be alright. You need to find a true Christian (Christ like and filled person) that will show you Christ like Love in action. This thread is not the best mediam.
 
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Criada

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Jesus is knocking on the otherside of the door, you just have to open it.
Asking for a "sign" is not what you want to do since "...A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign..." Matt 16: 4. It does not help. A tree is a sign, the universe, life itself, and really everything is a sign that there is a God, but they can all be read differently.

Did my post 292 help?

The way Christ wants you to be introduced to Him is eye ball to eye ball, one on one telling you He wants to help and will be with you and everything can be alright. You need to find a true Christian (Christ like and filled person) that will show you Christ like Love in action. This thread is not the best mediam.


I opened it, years ago. Your other post made sense.. but I have done all that... I loved God, I did admit my need, repent, ask him to help... I spent 20+ years being a 'true Christian', or thinking I was. I was filled with the spirit, spoke in tongues (still do, in the hope that it will spark some kind of connection), preached the gospel, studied the word, and tried to trust and rely on God in everything. I messed up, there were things I knew needed changing, but I was honestly trying to the best of my ability to do his will and to love him with all my heart.
And the stupid thing is, I still love him. I don't believe that he exists... but I want him to, I miss him, I am alone and incapable of doing anything without him.
And I know this isn't the best place to get advice... that wasn't really what I started the thread for. I just wanted to connect with others who have been through this, and see what their experiences were. I appreciate the people who care and are trying to help, very much... but I am not going to change my beliefs, of lack of them, on the basis of posts on an internet forum...
 
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Tishri1

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This is happening all over, and I cant explain it but I know in prayer I couldnt get away from the feeling that we need to be strong as the end of this time approaches and we wait for Jesus to do what he will do to establish his kingdom....We all need to hang on tight to the Lord as our faith is tested.... I dont think God tests us.....I know there is evidence in the word that he is somehow aware of and therefore assumes some sort of responsibility maybe in a test, but for me to try and figure that out I cant right now...Never the less our faith is tested frequently during our lives but this is different, I think the days around us are definitely growing darker and we have to wake up and not allow this darkness to penetrate us ..We have to hang on to His teaching and His pressence inside us , stop playing in the world's playground, and start believing God regardless of what we see or dont see around us...
David didnt always have God speaking to him, alot of times his questions (demands) went unanswered and this frustraited him, yet it also made him a very powerful Leader because regardless he wasnt going to stop praising and believing.....What if this Earth were to get cold, lonely, empty for us Christians and the satisfaction we looked for was the lure of the World and the unbelief associated with all things sinful? What if we had to rely on faith alone to survive and resist a time of darkness like that? Could we do it? What can we do now to prepare for an event like that? I think our sister here is facing her own season of darkness and Criada this test could take you to the brink but will never over take you unless you allow it to......Satan sifted Peter like wheat(Jesus said he would)...I dont know what that feels like but he had completely denied ever knowing Jesus so it must have been horrific! Yet after a time Jesus returned to Peter and said "Feed my sheep" and Peter gave all he had to that calling and was powerful in it....

If this is a test, hang on Sis as you are being sifted in order to refine you like gold for a greater work for him....Soooo many are lost and afraid and you just might be the one grabbing ahold of their hand some day and saying 'come with me, I will take you to Him, I know the way, I have been down this road before and there is a way out of this darkness'....
 
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FaithfulWife

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Speaking for myself, I'm glad you're not going to base your life and decisions off of an internet forum, Criada. I know we do love you and want the best for you, but the fact is we are on the internet sometimes thousands of miles away. :hug:

Long story short, hon, as you know I've wandered away and returned to G*d a couple times in my life. I've been wiccan and converted to Judaism for a while. My point is that I've actually LOOKED elsewhere and really given it a try, and I think sometimes as individuals we have to really, deeply examine, "Do I actually believe this or not? ME? Not my parents. Not what I think I *should* believe. Do I believe this?" Don't be afraid to question, Criada. Often that is how we learn and grow.
 
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Philothei

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Also Job asked:





And he got no answer .... not for a quite while.... But he kept on asking and asking and asking.....


2 "A word was secretly brought to me,
my ears caught a whisper of it. 13 Amid disquieting dreams in the night,
when deep sleep falls on men,
14 fear and trembling seized me
and made all my bones shake.
15 A spirit glided past my face,
and the hair on my body stood on end.
16 It stopped,
but I could not tell what it was.
A form stood before my eyes,
and I heard a hushed voice:
17 'Can a mortal be more righteous than God?
Can a man be more pure than his Maker?
...........................................................................
20 Between dawn and dusk they are broken to pieces;
unnoticed, they perish forever. 21 Are not the cords of their tent pulled up,
so that they die without wisdom?' [a]
............................................................................

1 "Call if you will, but who will answer you?
To which of the holy ones will you turn? 2 Resentment kills a fool,
and envy slays the simple.

.................................................



6 For hardship does not spring from the soil,
nor does trouble sprout from the ground.
7 Yet man is born to trouble
as surely as sparks fly upward.
8 "But if it were I, I would appeal to God;
I would lay my cause before him.

.............................................................

17 "Blessed is the man whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. [a]
18 For he wounds, but he also binds up;
he injures, but his hands also heal.
19 From six calamities he will rescue you;
in seven no harm will befall you.

..............................................................

8 "Oh, that I might have my request,
that God would grant what I hope for,
9 that God would be willing to crush me,
to let loose his hand and cut me off!
10 Then I would still have this consolation—
my joy in unrelenting pain—
that I had not denied the words of the Holy One.

...............................................................................

2 Like a slave longing for the evening shadows,
or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages,
3 so I have been allotted months of futility,
and nights of misery have been assigned to me.
4 When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?'
The night drags on, and I toss till dawn.

......................................................................
8 that you examine him every morning
and test him every moment? 19 Will you never look away from me,
or let me alone even for an instant?
20 If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
O watcher of men?
Why have you made me your target?
Have I become a burden to you? [b]
21 Why do you not pardon my offenses
and forgive my sins?
For I will soon lie down in the dust;
you will search for me, but I will be no more."

......................................................................
1 Then Job replied: 2 "Even today my complaint is bitter;
his hand [a] is heavy in spite of [b] my groaning.
3 If only I knew where to find him;
if only I could go to his dwelling!
4 I would state my case before him
and fill my mouth with arguments.
5 I would find out what he would answer me,
and consider what he would say.
6 Would he oppose me with great power?
No, he would not press charges against me.
7 There an upright man could present his case before him,
and I would be delivered forever from my judge.


..................................................................

8 "But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.

9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.

10 But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

11 My feet have closely followed his steps;
I have kept to his way without turning aside.

12 I have not departed from the commands of his lips;
I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.

13 "But he stands alone, and who can oppose him?
He does whatever he pleases.

14 He carries out his decree against me,
and many such plans he still has in store.

15 That is why I am terrified before him;
when I think of all this, I fear him.

16 God has made my heart faint;
the Almighty has terrified me.



17 Yet I am not silenced by the darkness,
by the thick darkness that covers my face.


Job 23 - Passage Lookup - New International Version - BibleGateway.com

I cannot post all of the book here...but it would be worth while to read this book ...full of wisdom.





Criada have you read Job?

It is an extraordinary book :)
Job lost hope that God was there listening to him....He thought that God was no more in control of his life that God abandoned him or he was "playing a joke" on Him... Silly Job he did not realize that God was and will for EVER be in control of his life no matter what... That God would not let him die and indeed care for him. So many stories in the Bible are about trust.... Trusting in God fully without second thoughts without hesitation... This is a lesson on obedience indeed... but freedom to know that a loving God is always there no matter how much we goof up or make mistakes etc.....
I had to read it over and over during my trials with God. To be a christian is not easy. It is a life of straggle, tribulation, nightmares, visions and illusions.. Depending on your strenghth the devil sometimes hit you hard other times not as much... Absence of God or what the Devil wants you to believe....is the worse one...

It is when we fall into our knees that we are to have strenghth to get us and face up to our fears and just trust.....
 
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SJC-Coop

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Maybe I am not the one who has been blinded....

I have begged God so many times to give me just the tiniest sign that he is real, that he cares...
But there is only so long you can go on asking when there is never an answer. After knocking until your knuckles bleed, the only possibilities are that there is no-one behind the door, or that whoever is doesn't want to know you...

I have not read this whole thread...I jsut dropeed in at the end, but when I read this I had to post....

I have felt and posted no here exactly these words...almost verbatim.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through the same thing...it's very difficult to realise that your whole belief system and foudnations are beign chaken and no one is coming to your rescue...
for me the bible passage where Jesus promise to leave the 99 sheep and come and find the one, especially stung...

Good luck and I'm here if you need to chat....
 
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Philothei

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Jesus promise to leave the 99 sheep and come and find the one, especially stung...

And that would be because of the misunderstanding on this passage... The reason it says that is to point to the fact that God does not leave his sheep... not to make it look like he would actually do that ....It is a paradigm of 'rescuing man" not of abandonment. God is capable of doing both of course since He is God and Jesus the same since He is God also. That is a pastoral example of what we are to do in our ministry. A pastor who is a human does have to go and rescue that sheep ..no matter what ...knowing that the other 99 are taken care of by the Shepard who is Christ. No sheep is left without his shepard. We should not be fooled....What Christ points to in this is that God never abandons any of his sheep....
 
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SJC-Coop

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And that would be because of the misunderstanding on this passage... The reason it says that is to point to the fact that God does not leave his sheep... not to make it look like he would actually do that ....It is a paradigm of 'rescuing man" not of abandonment.

Exactly my point...I was lost and he didn't come looking for me. That's the crux. He didn't answer my calls and cries.

Forget the 99 others, I was paraphrasing.

The point is that when I, like the OP, was searching for god, trying to return to him, begging him to come to my aid, he didn't show...
He either turned a cold shoulder to my cries, or he was never there to begin with.
 
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Thekla

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Maybe I am not the one who has been blinded....

I have begged God so many times to give me just the tiniest sign that he is real, that he cares...
But there is only so long you can go on asking when there is never an answer. After knocking until your knuckles bleed, the only possibilities are that there is no-one behind the door, or that whoever is doesn't want to know you...
Do you suppose your children have ever felt that you (their mom) are in some way "absent", or that at some point they will feel this way ?
 
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Hentenza

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Exactly my point...I was lost and he didn't come looking for me. That's the crux. He didn't answer my calls and cries.

Forget the 99 others, I was paraphrasing.

The point is that when I, like the OP, was searching for god, trying to return to him, begging him to come to my aid, he didn't show...
He either turned a cold shoulder to my cries, or he was never there to begin with.

Yet, just make sure you listen when He does. :)
 
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Hentenza

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Chaplain David

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Because, to be honest, even thinking of Jesus at the moment is too painful. It feels as though a piece of my heart has been torn out... the loss of that relationship is very hard to accept, and almost impossible to talk about..

I don't have a lot to say right now although you know I'll be looking for you on messenger. Just let me say paraphrasing your own words when you've given support to so many others on this forum:

"Hang in there sweetie, God loves you, you're going to be ok."

And I believe this for you Sarah even if you are doubting it for yourself. Some may call what I'm about to say "corny" and others might say it is "hokey" but many of us have experienced the words and what is represented in so many pictures of that writing titled, "Footprints in the Sand." This is one version:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

-----------------------

One of my favorite pictures representing the words and what has occurred in my life more than once is below. You are not alone in this Sarah. Some choose to give up and some keep hanging on until their epiphany comes. I think you are a hangeroner. Christian Love, David

footprints.jpg
 
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SJC-Coop

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Yet, just make sure you listen when He does. :)

I've waited long enough, tried to listen long enough...begged and pleaded long enough....then, when I realised he wasn't going to show, I went looking for him....I found nothing...emptiness...darkness...only echoes of my own voice.
There's no one there...never was.
 
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Hentenza

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I've waited long enough, tried to listen long enough...begged and pleaded long enough....then, when I realised he wasn't going to show, I went looking for him....I found nothing...emptiness...darkness...only echoes of my own voice.
There's no one there...never was.

You are still young.:)

ETA: I was an atheist just like you at your age. My walk with the Lord began a couple of years later.:)
 
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Philothei

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It takes courage to believe and trust HE IS WITH YOU.... It takes persistance and endurance... Even if you still cannot hear him ....He is still there..... It is called the "leap of faith" How can he be there for some while He is not there for others...It it impossible...

Faith is a decision a decision to follow... and trust that even if HE appears HE is not there and not listening or not anwering...HE is still there.... Do you trust HE is???
 
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Thekla

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I've waited long enough, tried to listen long enough...begged and pleaded long enough....then, when I realised he wasn't going to show, I went looking for him....I found nothing...emptiness...darkness...only echoes of my own voice.
There's no one there...never was.

This is indeed experienced by children with their earthly parents, as well.
Even, where there is a diversion of interest/expectation, if the parent is physically present - next to the child.

As a mom, I also know that my 'always presence' is not in the best interest of my child (and, even when I am, they may not feel that way - and have stated so). Otherwise, how would they mature ?

To an infant who is hungry, or crying, the delay of even a minute may feel like years; in the spiritual journey, periods where we must "row" ( feel that God is not there) can also feel endless in the 'now' of our experiencing.

Without these spiritual periods of "rowing", we do not mature. If parents are 'always present', children become childish (as opposed to childlike) people.
 
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