Decisions and what to do with my life from here

[Techbot]

I hope I don't receive the bashing here that I did from my church home of 8yrs...I'll brace myself just in case

Ever since I was about 9 months old I’ve had a particular fetish related to the female foot – quite bluntly I allow girls to walk on me. My mother tells stories of this sometimes and embarrasses the crud outta me in front of people.

At age 19 I was saved and began working in the youth ministry – where I felt a tug on my heart from God. I was an instant success in there because of my personality, my musical abilities and my love for teens and seeing them prosper and grow. I became the guitarist for the church youth band and a counselor. Many years later in playing around with the sister of my girlfriend, the sister did this to me (playfully walked on me). My girlfriend knew of it and we wrote about it in our letters. These letters were intercepted by my gf’s mother. My girlfriends mother freaked out, told the church and I was instantly banned from the youth (my sisters gf was pre-teen).

Shift forward some years later. I was working on the youth staff once more and happily following God in what I feel is a calling on my life. Something similar happened again – just playfully, this time with a friend of mine who was in the youth group and 2 months from being 18yrs old and her younger cousin – also in the youth group. The church found out, freaked out on me asking how I could possibly do this and I was again banned.

There were some things in addition to this that the church did that I feel betrayed the private talks I had with the pastors, but I won’t go into those now. I tried going back to this church to the services only to feel eyes burning into me every time I walked in the door. Never did I or would I ever do anything to harm these people. As a result here I am years later. There is bitterness in my heart towards people, not just those involved, but it seems Christians in general. I don’t attend church. I can’t find one that doesn’t feel as if I’m being watched – as silly as that may sound.



I write this not to shock people but to get some honest answers. I’m open about it here because quite frankly I’m faceless. Any slander I receive here won’t hurt as it did when it was done to me in person. I simply close my account here and walk away. I walked out of church 4yrs ago, this won’t be any different. Why am I even asking Christian advice then? Because I look through this forum and see what I once had. There are people here who might be able to give me answers or guidance.



What should I do? I felt the calling on my life for youth ministry the moment I was saved. I still have my beliefs in the Lord although I don’t attend church. I want to be on the right track, to get my family (yes, I’m now married with two small daughters) back into a church. But I don’t know if I’d ever be accepted as working with youth again. That alone breaks my heart.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

I don't fully understand the fetish thing Techbot.

Do you mean you are sexually aroused by girls walking on your back ?
How do you know you had this fetish at 9 months of age ?
What was written in the letter that caused her mother and the church leaders to freak out ?

One cannot evaluate your OP without a little more indepth information of the situation.
Feel free to PM me if discussing this in more detail in public is awkward for you.

 

[Techbot]

I don't fully understand the fetish thing Techbot.

Do you mean you are sexually aroused by girls walking on your back ?

stomach, back, chest

How do you know you had this fetish at 9 months of age ?

my mother has told past girlfriends about how cute it was that i'd toddle over to her friends when they'd come over to chat. i'd lay down and insist that they use me as a footrest...

What was written in the letter that caused her mother and the church leaders to freak out ?

her mother found out through the letters that this was a fetish. she immediately (as so many do) thought "SEXUAL!!" and assumed that i had done something nasty with her daughter.

One cannot evaluate your OP without a little more indepth information of the situation.
Feel free to PM me if discussing this in more detail in public is awkward for you.

I've become de-seinsitized to it over the years. I seem to no longer care what is said/thought of me. Like I said, I'm here because I see ppl post on here who have what I once had I want it back but don't know how to get it. Prayers seem to stop at my ceiling.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

There's a big difference to being sexually aroused by a fetish and
a fetish leading to having sex.

I would agree with you that these other people have thought that you were trying to procure sex from these girls through your fetish.
Ignorance and fear are the main causes of people jumping to judgemental conclusions.

So the question remains Techbot, are you sexually aroused by your fetish or does it just give you another type of physical pleasure ?

 

[Techbot]

I am sexually aroused by it when my wife does it now. Other times its just play. My wife has asked how this can be. I can't describe it any better than a massage. She enjoys a good massage from me. But from friends it doesn't do the same things to her.

 

[breezynosacek]

I don't have experience with fetishes. But I will admit that it seems weird. The weirdness of it is that it is something that has gotten into your life that satan has been able to use against you to hinder you from your calling, I assume this is your calling.

From experience, I know that there are weird things going on in the spirit world. There are two types of spirits that can plague people and from what I am reading this is plaguing you because it is following you from one situation to another.

These two types of spirits are familiar and familial. I don't know which this is because I don't know your family history. If you found that others in your family history had unusual fetishes then I would say that it is familial and passed down through your family and as you state you have a family and this thing could/probably pass on to one of your family members at some time but would present itself as different and unique to that person, but still be a fetish.

Second type is familiar. This type is a personal type of spirit. It doesn't matter who it comes into contact to and latches onto just so it has a home.

This fetish comes into grey areas as it doesn't cause you to molest people to experience it but it does hinder your walk with the Lord. I would bind and rebuke it in Jesus name and command it to leave and never return.

 

[Rafael]

Maybe not advertising what you and your wife do would be prudent when talking to those in the Church, as the marriage bed is undefiled. If you can control yourself in public, then I don't see why anyone should know that you have a foot fetish. It isn't anybodies business if you and your wife are happy.

Be confident in God and your prayers to Him if you are not doing something bad. Like I said before, being married and having a wife who understands you and this fetish kinda makes it okay. If you can't function in society, then its a problem. I don't really think you have to tell anyone about your sex life if your married, and don't really understand why you'd put yourself up for ridicule to others unless you have a problem controlling yourself. Then you have to go to God and repent. If you know of some sins that this fetish causes you to do, then repent of them and go on with the Lord. He hears our prayers, and is quick to forgive the contrite heart.

 

[Techbot]

The weirdness of it is that it is something that has gotten into your life that satan has been able to use against you to hinder you from your calling, I assume this is your calling.

This never hindered my calling from the time I was saved at 19 up until the yr 2000...a good 11yrs later. It was only when it was found out and spread around that I was some sort of "deviant" that this has affected me. When I was at my strongest walk with God I was still engaging in this with friends. It never affected my love for the Lord or the quality of my spiritual life until this most recent event. I have to believe the cause is the way that it was handled by these people. I was made to look like some predator and something to be shunned...again, this isn't something "new" for me. It's never been looked upon like it was this particular time.

Maybe not advertising what you and your wife do would be prudent when talking to those in the Church, as the marriage bed is undefiled. If you can control yourself in public, then I don't see why anyone should know that you have a foot fetish. It isn't anybodies business if you and your wife are happy.

I've never advertised it. my gf (who is now my wife) and i used to write to one another in a notebook. her mother (now my mother-in-law) decided one day to rummage through some belongings of MINE that I left in my girlfriends room. she got the notebook, read up on the notes between my girlfriend and i, found out about the fetish and took it from there. i daresay she embellished(sp?) a bit on the story. so much so that it looked like i did more than what i actually did. but of course no one wanted to hear what i had to say even when i called her a liar to her face. i was now labled and that was that. and so it has been to this day. once she found out, the church was contacted. i was booted from my volunteer position and looked upon like i was some disease in their midst. i quit going. i moved 200 miles away. got married to my gf(who was now in college in the town i moved to) and started a family with her. we moved back to that town some 2.5 -3 yrs later. i decided that my new family and i needed to be in church. i was welcomed back by some like they had forgotten. one day we had friends over...the person i mentioned in my first post was there. i was still my usual self. she playfully tried it, someone made mention of it and here i am again. this time it was a bit more severe. i was privately talked to and told that my "problem" wouldn't leave the four walls. well, it did. the pastor who told me it was a problem that he and i could work out privately turned into him making about 40 phone calls to parents whose teens i had been in contact with. they were all told about my "problem", even though i hadn't seen most of them outside the church doors.
i dropped out for a few weeks. when i forced myself to go because i believed the lord wanted me at church, i loathed the man on stage behind the pulpit. i loathed the man sitting there in charge of the teens smiling like it was a million dollar day and all was well.
still believing that God was letting me go through this for a reason i went to the front after the service for prayer. quite a few of my old counsellor friends and a number of the teens i'd helped over the years rallied around me to pray. they saw a bit more than they expected. the youth pastor looked into my eyes and said that there was something behind them. he believed it was a spirit of defiance. and for some reason i began laughing at him. i smirked and could not stop laughing at him as he prayed for me.

that was the last time i went to church regularly. i've tried other small churches, trying to get back to my roots ( i was saved in a small southern baptist church and baptised easter morning). so here i am, years later and i KNOW i should be in church. i KNOW there is a calling and that i am meant for greater things than the life i now lead. but there is no desire. i can't walk into a church without looking at the people in there as if they are blind sheep just believing in fairy tales. and yet if someone asks if i believe in God and Jesus Christ as the Savior or my soul, i'd say "yes" without a second thought...

 

[Rafael]

This never hindered my calling from the time I was saved at 19 up until the yr 2000...a good 11yrs later. It was only when it was found out and spread around that I was some sort of "deviant" that this has affected me. When I was at my strongest walk with God I was still engaging in this with friends. It never affected my love for the Lord or the quality of my spiritual life until this most recent event. I have to believe the cause is the way that it was handled by these people. I was made to look like some predator and something to be shunned...again, this isn't something "new" for me. It's never been looked upon like it was this particular time.


I've never advertised it. my gf (who is now my wife) and i used to write to one another in a notebook. her mother (now my mother-in-law) decided one day to rummage through some belongings of MINE that I left in my girlfriends room. she got the notebook, read up on the notes between my girlfriend and i, found out about the fetish and took it from there. i daresay she embellished(sp?) a bit on the story. so much so that it looked like i did more than what i actually did. but of course no one wanted to hear what i had to say even when i called her a liar to her face. i was now labled and that was that. and so it has been to this day. once she found out, the church was contacted. i was booted from my volunteer position and looked upon like i was some disease in their midst. i quit going. i moved 200 miles away. got married to my gf(who was now in college in the town i moved to) and started a family with her. we moved back to that town some 2.5 -3 yrs later. i decided that my new family and i needed to be in church. i was welcomed back by some like they had forgotten. one day we had friends over...the person i mentioned in my first post was there. i was still my usual self. she playfully tried it, someone made mention of it and here i am again. this time it was a bit more severe. i was privately talked to and told that my "problem" wouldn't leave the four walls. well, it did. the pastor who told me it was a problem that he and i could work out privately turned into him making about 40 phone calls to parents whose teens i had been in contact with. they were all told about my "problem", even though i hadn't seen most of them outside the church doors.
i dropped out for a few weeks. when i forced myself to go because i believed the lord wanted me at church, i loathed the man on stage behind the pulpit. i loathed the man sitting there in charge of the teens smiling like it was a million dollar day and all was well.
still believing that God was letting me go through this for a reason i went to the front after the service for prayer. quite a few of my old counsellor friends and a number of the teens i'd helped over the years rallied around me to pray. they saw a bit more than they expected. the youth pastor looked into my eyes and said that there was something behind them. he believed it was a spirit of defiance. and for some reason i began laughing at him. i smirked and could not stop laughing at him as he prayed for me.

that was the last time i went to church regularly. i've tried other small churches, trying to get back to my roots ( i was saved in a small southern baptist church and baptised easter morning). so here i am, years later and i KNOW i should be in church. i KNOW there is a calling and that i am meant for greater things than the life i now lead. but there is no desire. i can't walk into a church without looking at the people in there as if they are blind sheep just believing in fairy tales. and yet if someone asks if i believe in God and Jesus Christ as the Savior or my soul, i'd say "yes" without a second thought...

In my opinion this has been a terrible injustice done towards you, if what you have written is true. Your mother-in-law has done you and your wife wrong, and then this pastor has spread the slander and gossip.
The only thing I can suggest is for you to go to these people and tell them what they have done to you and your wife and get if off your chest.
I didn't understand the part about blind sheep believeing in fairy tales, though, unless you believe this particular pastor is teaching them all bad.
I think going to a different Church would help a lot, although you said you've tried, and I wouldn't let this destroy your faith in God. The Bible tells us that there are people placed in the Church by the devil - 'tares sown among the wheat" - just for the purpose of causing strife and seperation. It's too bad a pastor can't see this and avoid proliferating it, but it isn't uncommon for there to be pastors that are wolves in sheeps clothing, as the scripture predicts these and those that would feed upon their own flocks. These warnings are given to us in scripture. So know that God hasn't warned us that there would be such people. You have to arm yourself with God's word and truth to be able to keep your faith and not let the enemy destroy it. I encourage you to either go to these people and confront them one last time or just go to another Church and make a good difference there.

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

Acts 20:29 For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock.

Philippians 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Well said raphe and breezynosacek is correct that it MAY be a demonic spirit affecting you.

Techbot, let's put the ignorant and fearful attitude of the people who have judged and slandered you aside for a moment, and let's look at the fetish.

Dictionary Fetish--any thing or activity to which one is irrationally devoted.

A fetish doesn't always have to invoke sexual feelings, but it's something where a person is unable to control themselves regarding it.
The desire to receive pleasure from the fetish controls the persons thoughts and actions.
So it could be said that a fetish is no more than a strong desire that controls the person.

ALL desires are fed by thoughts and strengthened when pleasurable feelings are experienced through acts connected with the fetish.

I believe being sexually aroused when being massaged would be quite a natural response. God has designed our bodies to be stimulated by touch.
Otherwise the whole sex act would be quite boring wouldn't it ?

The dysfunction of this God designed ability then is when we are sexually aroused by events or things that are not regarded as something that would induce sexual arousal.

I would say that being sexually aroused by your wife regarding this issue is not a fetish, BUT allowing or wanting others to do the same for you regardless of whether you feel sexually aroused or not could be deemed a fetish.

And this is highly influenced by your upbringing. You enjoy being touched and it was cute when you were young.
Now that you are sexually mature, this enjoyment of being touched can now be connected to sexual pleasure and it also may not.

It's walking a very thin line between natural feelings and obsessive desire.
This can only be resolved between you and God, because what may seem a fetish to one person may not be to another.

God knows your heart and He alone, if you trust Him, will show you if you have a problem or not.
This is why you should not bring the emotional pain of what others are saying about you into the issue. It will cloud your seeking the truth about it.

I honestly would seek professional advice from a psychologist to get to the root of this. Because ONLY when you see the source of this desire will you be able to determine if it a dysfunction or not.

Everything that has happened to you regarding this has happened for a reason.
God may be bringing you to a point where he wants to deal with this issue.
1: He may be saying, okay it wasn't a problem when you were young, now is the time to fix it.
2: He may using the painful experience to teach you more about yourself.

There is far more to this underneath that what is on the surface, and this is what God wants to deal with.
And you may find that's it's just a little adjustment God wants to deal within you.
Regarding what ? I can speculate, but it would be better for you to allow God to reveal it to you. This is the role of the Christian Psychologist and God.

Remember God has set things up that He will work through people.
He has designed us to be interactive with each other.
God can deal with you directly and He is also allowed to deal with you through someone else. either way, it is God who is doing the work within you.

 

[Trench777]

The Word talks about if something is not sin to you, but causes others to stumble, you ought not to do it. I would say this most definately falls into that catagory.

I'm not going to try to tell you this is right, wrong, or indifferent, but I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is something that will cause people around you to stumble I.E. Judge, condemn, etc...as you have already found out.

If this is something you and your wife are ok with, then as was said before, the wedding bed is undefiled. However, doing this with anyone other than your wife would be leading yourself unneccisarily into temptation.

I also agree with the statement that you were "wronged" by the people involved, from your mother-in-law to the pastor and the other people who judged you. More than anything, I think you need to address this factor; you are likely holding a serious amount of unforgiveness towards them. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING derails the enemies plans for our destruction more effectively than forgiveness. Forgiving these people in your heart is the only option. A person holding unforgiveness in thier heart can expect nothing from G-d.

Once you have forgiven them in your heart, you may also need to forgive yourself (that is speculation, but if you need to fogive yourself, it should not be overlooked)

G-d is the BEST teacher, in regards of forgiveness...and he will teach you liberally of forgiveness, if you ask and then listen/read The Word with an open heart.

I believe, brother, that if you realise that this particular facet of your personality causes people to stumble, and that you need to forgive those that wronged you...I believe if you realise those two things, there is no reason you won't be able to go into church with your head held high and fulfill the call that G-d has placed on your life.

May G-d's Word be a light to your path!!

T777

 

[Techbot]

You may be right. It may be time to seek some professional help on this issue. God knows that growing up I felt I was the only one like that...like some freak. After being saved I asked many, many times for help in getting rid of it. That was 16yrs ago...it diminishes but never quite goes away.
I'd just rather it go completely away at this point.

 

[breezynosacek]

In spiritual matters there are always root causes and just as trees start out as sapplings, so do things that hinder our walk with the Lord, or our ministry.

An example: Anger is healthy and if held onto turns into resentment or rage, which is not healthy.

You stated that it had not hindered you for a long time but suddenly things are happening that are causing you to be "banned" and you are feeling "betrayed" and you are obviously angry/hurt over that betrayal. Satan will always try to put up stumbling blocks to things we are lead to do. It is his way to keep it from coming to fruition. So, even though this has not seemed to affect you for all these years and suddenly it is, the truth of the matter is that it has become an issue which causes others where you have ministered to see you as perverted in some way. Or at least that is the way they are treating you.

In a nutshell, you are a liability to the church as long as this fetish is around it will pop up and smack you and the church has no choice but to make it's decision against you because of it. Haven't you been reading the headlines and listening to the news? How many churches, pastors or ministries are being sued over sexual misconduct?

In spite of your saying that you derive no sexual pleasure from it, the bottom line is that it is something that appeals to the flesh. It is not as easy to compartmentalize this as it is say, one's desire for ice cream, velvet or satin.

 

[Silent Enigma]

Well, my advice would be to condition yourself enjoy your wife's feet and no one else's. And find a different church and avoid people's feet.

And you've got to understand how people are going to get freaked out about this, being a physical contact thing, and primarily with the opposite sex, it sounds like. If I always wanted women to touch my chest with their HANDS wouldn't you be uneasy with me around your daughters?

I would guess that when you were a baby rolling around on the floor your mom would play with you with her feet a lot while she was sitting in a chair. Sounds like a reasonable explanation.

 

[Techbot]

If I always wanted women to touch my chest with their HANDS wouldn't you be uneasy with me around your daughters?

very good point