Dealing with the affects of domestic abuse

[born2run]

My boyfriend of one year was arrested Thursday due to a domestic assault on me. I'm ok overall, the bruises will heal a lot faster than the emotional scars will.

He was an illegal, and due to this arrest, was deported this morning. I don't claim that deportation will stop the chances of me ever seeing him again. He had bragged to me that deportation would only have him gone 2 days, and he has funds sitting in a US bank account to get him right back across the border. Unfortunately for me as well Im fairly certain his old boss would rehire him, even though he knows full well of the felony charge AND his illegal status.

Im trying to convince myself that I am done letting him control me and that even if I did see him again I would have the guts to never the emotional abuse escalate to physical. Im painfully aware from past experience that he will never change.

I can analyze all this but my heart still aches and I cry a lot over it all. I wish healing was easier. I wish I didnt miss him, I wish I didn't feel somehow responsible for his arrest and consequent deportation.

Thanks for listening...any pointers on how to get beyond all the wide open emotions I am experiencing?

 

[Ariel]

Born2run, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I know this is a very difficult time for you, I am so sorry.

There are some things which may help. First of all, you are not to blame for this man being arrested and deported. He chose to treat you despicably, this was his choice. You are not to blame for his abuse of you. You did not cause it. You did not deserve it. Also, you do not owe him anything.

He made the choices he did because of something inside of him, not something you did. He is sick. This is not normal behavior.

I also want to urge you: DON'T let him into your life again. Make it impossible for him to return--change locks, even move if you have to. Make sure that you are safe.

Abuse is about control. Abusers use fear more than any other mechanism to subject their victims to their whims. Now is the time for you to equip yourself with the knowledge you need to make sure this never happens again.

Google "domestic abuse" and read about it. Educate yourself. Become aware of the tactics abusers use to get their victims back into their grasp. Also, realize that you are not alone. Hundreds of other women have been abused just as you have.

Be smart, stay safe.

I am praying for you.

 

[born2run]

Ariel...

I feel like Im going crazy. I talked to his landlord (my ex's boss' son) last night and he tells me the ex talked to the boss and asked if he'd have a job when he came back in three weeks.

I AM LIVID. This employer could solve all my problems if he quit hiring illegal workers. I feel like the ex is getting a very easy way out here, avoiding any prosecution for what he did to me because the cops think he is gone. Here he'll come back and act like nothing happened.

He works right down the road from where I work, and to say I feel unsafe is an understatement. I dont want to quit my job because of him, I dont want to move because of him. Some part of me thinks maybe he's not as dangerous as I believe, but can I afford the risk of finding out?

Can I legally file a restraining order if he supposeably is not here? Would the cops believe me if I said he was back?

 

[Ariel]

Born2run,

I believe that you may be in danger. Here is what I would do:

1. Document everything. Name your ex's employer, the employer's address, things your ex said. Give facts whenever you can.

2. Go to the police. Give them your documented information. Tell them you don't feel safe. Ask them for a restraining order.

3. Find a domestic violence organization in your area. Google this, or use your phone book. They may have a place you can live where you will be safe. They may also be able to give you counsel on how to keep yourself safe.

4. If you can, leave now. Try to go to a place where your ex will never look. If you can't do this,

5. Prepare for an emergency escape: Have an emergency number for the police on fast dial. Pack a bag of necessities in case you need to escape fast. Look for places you can go to, where your ex cannot find you.


I know this sounds extreme, but I believe that you need to prepare for the extreme. Hopefully an emergency situation will never develop. Nevertheless, be ready.


I am praying for you. Your best place of refuge is and always will be the Lord. Cry out to Him. Ask Him to put a hedge of protection around you, and to give you wisdom on what to do. He will help you. Psalm 46, Psalm 91.

 

[Born2Serve06]

Hi Born2run,

I am also a DV survivor. You need to come up with a safety plan for yourself and they can be found on most DV websites. You need to have a place to go for yourself and an escape plan if you need it. Have a bag pack and a extra set of keys hidden somewhere not in your house. Have the number to the DV Hotline programed on your cell it is 800-799-7233.

I hope that helps a little.

 

[born2run]

Im at least temporarily ok. County called me twice to inform me that ICE took him four hours south of here today to hold him until his deportation hearing. What would happen during the deportation hearing of course they can't tell me, but at least Im ok for the next couple of weeks.

 

[Criada]

Praying for you.
Please do what you need to to stay safe. You are very precious, and you do not deserve this... remember that, sister.

 

[born2run]

Thanks ya'll. I miss him, I hate him, I love him, and I wish this would all just go away. I think of a future without him and I wonder if I'll ever have the guts to date again, if I can trust another man, and how I'll even meet anyone. He isolated me, and I work a job where I am the sole employee. Right now I just desperately want to go back to "normal", whatever that is.

 

[Ariel]

Those feelings--that you love him, hate him, miss him, want normalcy back--are experienced by so many victims of domestic abuse. Unfortunately too many victims listen to their heart, not their head and end up being abused again--or even killed. As a volunteer counselor at my church, I have been heart broken to see women I have counseled go back and continue in an abusive relationship--never considering their own safety, or the safety of their children. In every case the abuse only got worse.

You can't listen to your feelings. You need to think logically of what would happen if he were to come back and you allowed him back into your life. So many victims allowed that to happen, and are no longer alive because of it.

The best predictor of the future is past behavior. This is a truism you can apply--except in the case of domestic abuse, the violence only seems to escalate in most cases. Consider what happened in the past, except expect it to be far, far worse.

Please think with your head, and don't allow your ambivalence to lead. You need to stay safe.

I am glad that you are safe for at least the next two weeks, but now is the time to prepare for the future.

 

[born2run]

He's locked up for awhile and it's at least giving me a chance to think. I think the more time I have away from him the more I see what he really was. I feel bad in saying this, but it was like he had sapped who I was right out of me. I had no identity with him, so living without him is leaving me spinning. I don't know who to trust anymore, or what direction to go. I'd like to think time heals, but this wound will take a long, long time to go away.

It is painfully obvious that I probably won't get the INS to tell me if he's been released. I'll simply have to rely on the guys he works with to tell me if he's back. Than I can legally file for a restraining order.

 

[dvdripped]

Hi

Please dont blame yourself, you are not at fault, what so ever.

When 2 people love each other, they go through good times and bad, but they never hit each other, yes we may argue, and say things we dont mean, but hitting takes it to another level.

Im sorry to say, but this guy will never change, a leopard never changes it spots.

I grew up watching my mum being beat up and abused, from the age of 3 to 25, It was every day, and she always blamed herself, but the blame always fell at my dads feet.

He tried to justify doing what he did, but there was no excuse for what he did, he was pure evil to her, and didn`t respect her.

This guy wont change, I know its hard to swicth off your feelings, but you deserve someone who will cuddle you, someone who will tell you that they love you, someone who would never hit you.

You deserve so much more, and to be honest, his boss isn`t thinking with his heart, all he`s seeing is your boyfriend is making him money, and thats all he cares about.

Just be careful with your ex boyfriend, and if he is starting to pressurise you again, take a moment to think, " is this what you want for the rest of your life " I have seen mymum and family members being abused, and its so horrible to witness.

Take care and I hope things work out for you

Lots of love

Ray

 

[havana16]

Hey borntorun; go over to your other post on Women discussions I posteda post there for you I am a domestic violence survivor very severe violence! I had to relocate because of it Minewas deported as well and you can file for a restraining oreder any ? pm me Those feeling will go away it just takes time!

 

[born2run]

Havana...I hope they go away, Im beginning to get skeptical. For the last two nights I've had rough nights due to nightmares about him. I wish he'd just sink into my distant memories.

Ray....Im so sorry that your mum had to endur that. As supportive as my family is they plain and simple don't understand the turmoil I am over this. In their opinion I should hate him, end of story. My dad in particular is upset that I just can't "move on."

I'd like to think that maybe this can make me a more understanding, softer, woman.

Havana...check your PM...I have some questions for you.

 

[born2run]

11 days after the fact and in some ways it feels like yesterday. I feel pathetic buying a stun gun and pepper spray, but I think it makes my boss feel better since the ex could be so close to me. At this point I refuse to move. Where would I go? Jobs aren't that easy to find, and this area is all I know. He's still locked up, and I pray and hope he gets deported. It'd set his attitude back a bit, I think. He's so self assured that he he'll get out of deportation that he's making sure his boss keeps his job open for him. While Im not stupid enough to think he'll stay away should he be deported, it'll take him a little bit to get back.

 

[havana16]

Actually Borntorun, the pepper spray and stun gun are a good idea! I actually consider buying a more serious weapon but changed my mind because of my kid did you look into the order of protection yet? If you wish to relocate there are plenty of DV shelters all over the nation and they help get you back on your feet You also may consider a alarm on your house and car! keep in touch

 

[Ariel]

Praying for you Born2run!

 

[born2run]

Im fairly certain I can't file for a restraining order until he gets out of jail. They than serve it and I have to appear in court along with him, which I admit intimidates me. Victims' Advocate will go with me, so at least I won't be alone. Either way I figure Im starting to feel more in control of the situation. I've never been this consumed with anger though. At first I missed him, now I literally hate him.

 

[havana16]

I understand that feeling and it wil go away promise you! I got my restraining order while he was in jail maybe things have changed?

 

[born2run]

I could get him served in the county he's being held in, but he'd have to appear via video in the court here, or maybe I'd have to go down there.

 

[havana16]

why not give it a try? what county is he in and what town are you in? also can /i ask where did you meet him?