Dealing with school authority when it goes too far...

[~Wisdom Seeker~]

While in the car fighting the crowd of cars to come home from picking up two of my children from elementary school, my 4th grade, 9 year old daughter told me of an incident that happened today at school.

She started by saying "Mom, I almost got suspended...". She and her friend witnessed some boys running out of the bathroom shouting "fire" and reported it to an adult in authority. (what they call a "Noon Duty". A parent volunteer who lends their presence at the play ground among other things.)

Was she rewarded for reporting the incident to an adult? No. She was told to stand against a wall, along with 20 other children and yelled at and threatened with suspension as if they were the ones that started the fire.

I was shocked. This couldn't be right. A child reports a fire and they are threatened with punishment for it?!

My daughter is the kind of child who likes to do the right thing. She gets all her homework and chores done without having a bad attitude. She gets good grades in school. She participates in class and is a quiet and respectful child to her peers and to adults. I have other children who are not as strong in these areas, so I can appreciate these qualities from a varied perspective.

I went back to the school to voice my concerns about the message they were sending my child. " If something bad happens, don't report it to an adult, or you'll be sorry". And much to my surprise, the administrator justified their intimidation tactics to me. I couldn't believe it.

He just kept justifying that it was okay to use intimidation tactics regardless of her good deed to get a name. He actually said that the only reason that this would make anyone feel bad is if they were guilty.

I got increasingly more and more frustrated. He didn't listen to me at all. I told him that it sends a bad message to the good kids when they are treated like that doesn't matter. It squashes their spirit and makes them distrust authority. And furthermore, they had no right to yell at my child. I don't even yell at my child. It was wrong.

Did he admit that it was over the top? Yes. Did he apologize for it? No. He just justifed and shook his head at me. He was so condescending I wanted to reach accross the desk and smack him.

What a giant waste of time. The school basically sent me the same message it did my daughter. Do the right thing, and you'll be treated badly too. Don't report anything, and don't ever complain...or you'll be sorry.

This is the public school system in Los Angeles County California. Children are treated like criminals...and what does this do? Well, it sure doesn't encourage them to do the right thing. I wouldn't be surprised if the next time the school catches on fire, the children who were treated so badly for reporting it this time...will just let it burn.

And they should be sorry for that. But they are so smug in their self righteousness...it's made them deaf to reason.

 

[Busybee]

Ohh my goodness, that is just horrible. Just reinterate to your daughter that the right thing, is still the best thing. Rather people acknowledge it or not, the Lord definitely does.

I think you did the best thing you could've by going down there to talk to the administration. If it ever happened again, you may need to go to the school board to get something done. I believe that's alot of the principles' problems, they're not used to people going even higher over their heads.

Then they wonder why kids are soo slow to do right and quick to do wrong. That also sends the message that, if something bad happens to you, don't report it because you're more likely to be punished than the wrong doer. A child needs to feel safe in an environment they're forced into (unless homeschooled).

God bless and YAY for your daughter being a child of God.

 

[~Wisdom Seeker~]

Thank you. My thoughts exactly. Where they should be encouraging good behavior, they are not. I had a long talk with my daughter about it. And I think my standing up for her also helped her to know that she did the right thing.

I just feel so bad that these are the people who we entrust our children to. Do they really understand how moldable a child is. And how influencial the messages we send them are?

It's a sad state of afairs that people who work for schools, are so disconnected to how important that job is. They think that whatever they do is above reproach. And I think that's kind of scarey. Everyone should be accountable.

I'm very timid when it comes to confronting people. But I couldn't allow this to happen to my child. She is after all much more important than the discomfort and stress it causes me to speak strongly to people who have no intention of listening. Just so that they understand that I will not with my silence say "It's okay, do whatever you please"


Thank you for your encouragement. I may indeed take this to the school board. I do not feel it was resolved. And I think it really should be.

 

[Ruhama]

This may seem a bit of a different opinion than others but here is my suggestion.

I had a lot of experiences like you are describing, when I was a child. I was also like your daughter, and your reactions remind me of my mother's.

What I think stands out most to me is that I learned that not everyone is perfect or even very good, and that while someone may be in authority, they may not be the smartest, kindest, or worthy of their post. My mother fought for me just like you are fighting for your daughter, and I encourage you with all my heart to continue to stand up for her, and be outraged. Frankly I don't think you will change the system much, but you will do a world of good for your daughter by taking her side against injustice.

That being said, I also encourage you not to worry, for your own part, that kids will be so badly affected as you fear. True, fools in charge can do harm, but they are also a blessing in disguise and are the instrument of many good and necessary lessons. For example, in your daughter's case, she is learning to make up her own mind to do what is right, regardless of what the majority says. Also, she is learning how to cope and tactfully deal with - as we all must - authority that does not earn the respect you must regardless pay. It is not an altogether bad lesson to learn early.

 

[~Wisdom Seeker~]

I remember being a child. And this sort of thing may not be any big deal for some types of children But, it's devasating to the self esteem and the trust of authority for others. Some children grow up to be adults like me. I still can look back on certain instances and recall why I think the way I do now. Fear is a powerful motivator. It took me 40 years to have courage. Yes, the ends justify the means for adults who use fear to control people. But it's still wrong to do this to our young people.

Children are not like adults. What happens to them in their early years impacts the rest of their lives. Someone needs to stand up for them. I think that far too many people are complacent because they just don't want to cause trouble. Don't want to upset the status quo. Don't want anyone to "get mad at them". And you see? I think that silence screams acceptance. So, I can't be silent. No matter how much more comfortable I would be.

My Mother stuck up for me as a child too. What my daughter will learn from this is to stick up for those who can not stand up for themselves. And not to let fear control her. And that's a powerful lesson.

Yeah, some adults who work with children, really shouldn't even be allowed near them. I get that. Believe me. And I know I can't protect my children from other peoples anger and violence. But my point is, adults do not have the luxury of acting out their impulses and losing control. Yes, they are human. But when an adult chooses to be in that kind of possition, it's kind of like parenting...their are rules and boundaries that must be adhered to. And when they are not...they will be held accountable.

 

[Why?]

Here's what I would do, but this is just me...

I would call the superintendant, and go to the school board. If nothing was done to please me, I would write a letter to my local newspaper.

Of course, I'm pretty outspoken, and I rarely back down until I get my own way.

 

[Busybee]

What my daughter will learn from this is to stick up for those who can not stand up for themselves. And not to let fear control her. And that's a powerful lesson

Wisdom Seeker!! Next thing it'll be that she's afraid to say she serves the Lord. She needs to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that she has your support in good.

Also, I agree that at a young age, things that authoritorians do can have an effect. I to this day can still remember getting not one, but two different paddlings by a teacher in SECOND grade because she let a boy "take names" for talking who did not like me and who himself was being disruptive when she left. He wrote my name down because I said shhhh. Do you think my trying to explain the TRUTH to her helped. Nope, not at all. I still got a paddling for not doing anything and trying to do the right thing. Here I am some 20 odd years later and I still remember that event.

Then a few years later when I'd hit a growth spurt and was bigger than that same boy. I started scratching, hitting, pinching basically beating up on him after that (also keep in mind I wasn't raised in a Christian home). For me that was payback for what he'd done to me. See the effects.

The embarrassment and the entire betrayal a child feels at that age is unbelieveable.
Pray about it WisdomSeeker and if you still feel that strongly afterwards, don't wait for it to happen again, do as you're convicted and get it taken care of now. For some reason, I'm wondering what other sorts of things have happened in school there. Maybe your plight will bring other parents and students out who've had unresolved issues occur.

God bless and keep you

 

[Celticflower]

This reminds me of an incident when I was in high school. During a concert some kids were drinking. I wasn't one of them, but in the course of the investigation I was accused of covering for someone. The accusation was based on the fact that I was seen talking in the hall to one of the kids known to have been involved. I looked the music teacher straight in the eye and said

"I don't like anyone in this school well enough to cover for them."

The teacher was shocked and having nothing left to say to me sheepishly sent me back to class. But was I ever steamed! The kid I had been seen talking to saw I was upset and came over to see what was wrong. I told him to stay away because when I talked to him I got in trouble. He went and told the music teacher to lay off me. Funy thing is--this guy was NOT a friend of mine at the time. In fact, he wouldn't give me the time of day and I wouldn't bother to ask him. But after this incident we became close friends and still are--25 years later!!
Hopefully some good will come out of your daughter's experience as well.

Celtie