Dealing with Narcissists

[memoriesbymichelle]

Ugh! I am so NOT ready for my step daughter to come to town! She just called and it was all blah blah blah all about HER! She does not listen to anything anyone says.
I am also disappointed because she did NOT even tell her kids that she was leaving the state! Really? She said it was because her ex told her not to. And then she says "I'm not really going to think about that right now" REALLY? WOW! To ME that tells me she cares more about herself than she does her kids!
Right now she is 2 hours away and not sure if she is coming tonight or tomorrow. The only good news is that she wants to make it to CA by the weekend so she won't be staying long.
Oh AND she is still talking to her husband along the way even though she thinks HE is the one with the problems not her.
Oh MY MY!
Do any of you deal with narcissists? It's easier for me to hold my mug while on the phone, but in person, she will see my expressions and it will be harder to hide my feelings. I need to hide them because I don't want an outburst and she's not in a "listening" place right now. She just told me that she thinks God is probably mad at her (to which I did not comment). Lord HELP ME Please??

 

[Life2Christ]

What age did she become your stepdaughter? Did you have a hand in raising her?

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Hi Michelle! I haven't been on here much lately. Well, I have had to endure narcissists and it is not easy. Please don't let her drive you crazy - you sound frustrated. I have concluded that narcissists are just not mentally well and there are deficits in how they see other people (they don't really see other people). I don't think one can really help such people, any more than you can make a color-blind person see things in color. Is it un-Christian to give up on people like that? I just have to have that attitude so I can cope with certain people and distance myself and not take what they do or say too personally.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

What age did she become your stepdaughter? Did you have a hand in raising her?

Three! I had a half a hand in raising her because my husband did not have custody and that was his excuse for everything, and both of them would tell me, when I disagreed with what was happening in regards to her, "you're not the parent". So consequently, she went back and forth because the mother would not be able to handle her (in first grade mind you) and then we would send her for a "visit" and she would cry to her mom (understandable) and then the mom would not send her back. And then something would happen and the cycle would repeat. Until she was living with us in WA and was again plotting to go live with mom (she was 15 by this time) and I heard her thru the music in her bedroom talking to her mom, and I told my husband and he made her leave the next day! She wasn't happy because she didn't get to leave the way she wanted and have her big teenage going away party. Then when living with mom, her mom was more concerned about being "friends" than a mom. She would go to their "parties" and drink too much with them, and probably bought them beer instead of being a mom it was like they were all roommates. So step daughter did poorly at school because who cares, right? to the point that the mom FORGED her report card to show to the dad! It was computer generated and she used a typewriter to change the grades! It probably would have snuck by my husband, but I knew as soon as I looked at it! So then I had to explain to my other step daughter that was living with us at the time, why it wasn't good that her mom was teaching her sister to lie and FORGE or do whatever it takes to avoid trouble. And she's been running ever since. I thought she had changed (she DID but is was only temporary) when she got married this last time to a guy that was older than her by about 10 years. But now she's left him and of course it's ALL his fault, in fact everyone has a problem except her, she has reasons LOL which really just amounts to excuses to not take responsibility for your life.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hi Michelle! I haven't been on here much lately. Well, I have had to endure narcissists and it is not easy. Please don't let her drive you crazy - you sound frustrated. I have concluded that narcissists are just not mentally well and there are deficits in how they see other people (they don't really see other people). I don't think one can really help such people, any more than you can make a color-blind person see things in color. Is it un-Christian to give up on people like that? I just have to have that attitude so I can cope with certain people and distance myself and not take what they do or say too personally.

Yeah, frustrated just a little LOL. Maybe because I just got off the phone with her? Wore me out!!! And then I find out she might be coming tonight? Yikes! The only good news is that she wants to get to CA by the weekend so at least I know she won't be staying long. But on the phone it was ME ME ME ME ME!!!! I was on the phone for 25 minutes!!! and I probably didn't say more than 5 sentences and when I did try to speak she would also try to speak and then impatiently listen to whatever I said because she really didn't care. I have a feeling it's going to be a loooooooonnnnnnng night LOL

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

You have my sympathy. Yeah, I have known a few narcissists and I have never seen them change in any fundamental way.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

You have my sympathy. Yeah, I have known a few narcissists and I have never seen them change in any fundamental way.

She just texted me because she is MAD that her sister is not ready to let her back into her life when previously the sister was getting married in Indiana and stopped both ways with being pregnant and having 5 kids and a husband, step daughter kicked them all out because she got mad at her pregnant sister! THAT'S why her sister isn't welcoming her back with open arms, but yet SHE texts me that forgiveness is something you DO not something you have to "work" at and she didn't want her cryin at her bedside if something happened to her.
I texted her back that just because you forgive someone that doesn't mean you are ready to be around them again, and all of us need grace.
She hasn't texted me back, LOL. So whatever SHE decides to do should be OK with everyone, but if someone does something SHE doesn't like THEY are just WRONG LOL. It IS rather comical, when I think about it. And I know she probably will never change since she is 35!

 

[dayhiker]

I'd probably just matter factly say she is wrong about something while looking her right in the eye. When she she commented back I'd hold me ground with a stead look in the eye and make some comment about that its true.

But its got to be the right situation and who knows of it would come alone. But I've had some fun with that situation occasionally.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm thinking I'm going to just stare and not say anything

 

[dayhiker]

Sounds like a good plan

 

[blackribbon]

Based on what you have said about her in the past and this time, it sounds like she could have anti-social personality disorder (or at least "traits" of this disorder) more than being just being narcissistic. Antisocial Personality Disorder - Psych Central is a link for you to kind of make your own assessment. And although you can't do anything about it since she is an adult, learning about it might help you make decisions on how to deal with it. Knowledge is often power.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks blackribbon. After reading that I think she definitely is! My thought after reading it was "oh great!" sigh ~. I know there isn't anything I can do for her except pray. She is God's child and He knows how to deal with her. I used to think she was Bi-Polar but now I think APD fits rather well but of course she would never think so. Thanks for the link.


I just got word from her that she will be at my house in a few hours. Luckily for me, I have to work tonight. Don't know how long she will stay hopefully not too long (or too many days).

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

So here's the latest update lol. My daughter texted me on Wed at 9:30 am and says "gonna leave in a few hours". She's in Prescott and it's a couple of hours away. OK so I tell her "just so you know I have to work and so does Xak so it will be just Chase at home and I'm working til midnight"
Next update at 2:42 pm she says she made it to town and is at my ex son in laws and she's gonna visit niece and nephew for awhile.
OK so I suggest she stays the night there because they live in a McMansion and have more room and I won't be home anyway. She agrees and then says she plans on coming in the morning if that's OK. Well again, I will be at work, Chase will be at school and who knows what Xak will be doing. I tell her maybe she should come in the afternoon so at least Chase will be home.
On Monday she said she wanted to get to CA by the weekend but now she says she's in no hurry and we will just play it by ear!
I'm SO glad I didn't change any of my plans for her. I am going to dinner tonight with my friend that has cancer and another sick friend (we are taking her dinner) and I won't be home until about 8:30 and I really don't care if she is there or not.

I really think blackribbon hit the nail on the head with the APD because she has absolutely no regard for anyone elses time. Why wouldn't she tell me she planned on going to my ex SIL before she left? Why lead me to believe she was coming to my house. I had my son clean the house (because she is a neat freak) and she doesn't even show up. I had to work last night anyway, but it's like when she left OK, she didn't call me until she got to Prescott, and then she had told me before she left that she was going to spend a few days with them and when I talked to her after she got there, she said she might leave that night? I said "I thought you were going to stay a couple of days?" and she says "well I don't really fit in here, and I don't really know them (their family) cuz I haven't seen them in a long time" So that day she ended up spending the night I guess, but did she tell me she was? NO, so I didn't know if she was going to show up at my house in the middle of the night Tues or what.
Reckless disregard is what one of the symptoms are. She doesn't even care that she left her kids, she said "I"m not gonna even THINK about that right now I'm just not gonna do it". Gee I thought you didn't get a choice when you became a mother, but she has 4 kids by 3 dads and the dads all have the kids! Thanks for letting me vent. I feel much better now LOL

 

[dayhiker]

Another good vent by Michelle ....

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Another good vent by Michelle ....

At least I'm good at something LOL

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Michelle, you could combine your problems and invite her to that Bible study and ... (I now crawl under my desk to hide from any incoming long-range missiles).

 

[dayhiker]

sitting back to enjoy the fireworks!

 

[blackribbon]

I think by realizing that this particular psychological disorder has a name (meaning other people are like this) and that understand that there is nothing you can do (or did wrong), it sometimes helps to learn to "let go, let God". You are doing exactly right with this kind of person...don't change your plans and let her suffer the consequences of her self-centered activities. Don't take anything personally...and avoid talking about "feelings" with her because this type of personality will charm/twist feelings to manipulate people. Yes, the only thing you can do is to set boundries and pray for her. As hard as that is to accept, it also can be a relief because you don't need to feel "guilty" any more for not being able to help "fix" her.

I believe my dad is this personality too. I have forgiven him for the bad decisions he has made in life and don't hate him, but I really don't have any desire to visit him or spend time with him. Sad to say, it is more his loss than mine because he also is missing out on having a relationship with his only grandkids. I have refused to give him the power to hurt me anymore.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Michelle, you could combine your problems and invite her to that Bible study and ... (I now crawl under my desk to hide from any incoming long-range missiles).

Well......doncha know they would NEVER let her in? She's WAY too sinful for their liking LOL That DID make me smile, so come out from under the desk and lets have a glass of wine or a bottle hahahaha!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think by realizing that this particular psychological disorder has a name (meaning other people are like this) and that understand that there is nothing you can do (or did wrong), it sometimes helps to learn to "let go, let God". You are doing exactly right with this kind of person...don't change your plans and let her suffer the consequences of her self-centered activities. Don't take anything personally...and avoid talking about "feelings" with her because this type of personality will charm/twist feelings to manipulate people. Yes, the only thing you can do is to set boundries and pray for her. As hard as that is to accept, it also can be a relief because you don't need to feel "guilty" any more for not being able to help "fix" her.

I believe my dad is this personality too. I have forgiven him for the bad decisions he has made in life and don't hate him, but I really don't have any desire to visit him or spend time with him. Sad to say, it is more his loss than mine because he also is missing out on having a relationship with his only grandkids. I have refused to give him the power to hurt me anymore.

For me that does seem to make it better when I can understand WHY someone is the way they are (that doesn't sound grammatically correct but you know what I mean). My step dad had a nervous breakdown following finding his wife dead in the living room as he took a nap in the bedroom. It had something to do with her drinking and not supposed to, but IDK really what she died from BUT...once when I was a teenager (before I knew about his breakdown) I had eaten some chips at his house and so I purchased a replacement bag and tried to give them to him and he didn't want them and I said to him "you're crazy! just take the dorritos" in a joking way.......well I got a 3 page letter from him the next day asking about me calling him crazy, and I didn't really mean he WAS crazy, right? and whenever he would see me he would re-hash it all over again. (I kinda did think he was crazy after that lol) BUT when I found out WHY he was that way, I totally understood and he didn't bother me with his quirkiness after that. Same thing happened when I found out a co-worker (that was driving me crazy) was Bi-Polar. As soon as she said "well you KNOW I"m Bi-Polar DON'T YOU?" I didn't but now I do and after that I could totally tolerate her because I knew if she was manic or whatever and I knew she could not help it. We actually became good friends until she passed away about 9 years ago. So yeah, I feel NO guilt because I know I can't help my daughter. But I also know that GOD can. Thank you SO much for pointing out that link. I discounted it at first because she is not Anti social, but when I read what the condition is, I realized she just about has every symptom.