Dealing With My Fundy Parents (Help!)

[WaZoO]

Hello everyone, I've lurked at these boards for a long time, but never posted anything. I've learned a lot of things here, I grew up in a fundamentalist home, but I see how damaging and insane those beliefs are. Right now I'm probably so liberal in my christian beliefs that some wouldn't even consider me to be christian. I don't believe in hell, I definitely don't believe in a literal bible, and I think that christians have a lot of wrong opinions about God.

Anyway, that brings me to my situation, a few days ago I was talking with my mom (a really strict fundamentalist Baptist). I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I mentioned something about evolution and she absolutely spazzed out. She was going on about how wrong and ungodly evolution is and how it can't be right because it contradicts the bible. I told her that perhaps it's just how she is interpereting it and she flipped out again, she says that you can tell when the bible is allegorical and when it's not, and that genesis was definitely not. I asked her how she knew that it had to be taken literally, and I think that kind of threw her off, so she went on a rant about how I was going to hell and I needed to pray for forgiveness...

Then, I asked her if she really thought about how silly the idea of hell was, that really seemed to rub her the wrong way. Anyway, long story short, my name is erased from the book of life and I work for satan (another thing I don't really believe in literally) now. My mom isn't talking to me now and my dad is in China on a business trip for another week, so I'm kind of lost. What should I do, just pretend that the devil had control of me then and say that I believe everything in the exact way she does, which is the only right way? Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I think she's a close-minded nimrod and I don't know how to deal with her at all. I know we'll have a talk with my dad when she gets home and hopefully he'll be a little more understanding. Anybody else have to deal with fundy parents like this?

I know the majority of the people here are not like my mom at all, and don't think that I'm going to hell or anything.

By the way, she's not keeping me home from school or anything, I'm there right now, study hall.

 

[Prince Lucianus]

I had no fundy parents so I can't help you out in that department, but I do wish you strength......

Lucy

 

[Nathan David]

That's a tough one. On the one hand, I want to encourage you to stand up for yourself and believe as you choose. On the other, you have to live under these people's roof. Your profile says you are 18. How long until you graduate high school and move out?

 

[radorth]

Hello everyone, I've lurked at these boards for a long time, but never posted anything. I've learned a lot of things here, I grew up in a fundamentalist home, but I see how damaging and insane those beliefs are. Right now I'm probably so liberal in my christian beliefs that some wouldn't even consider me to be christian. I don't believe in hell, I definitely don't believe in a literal bible, and I think that christians have a lot of wrong opinions about God.

Anyway, that brings me to my situation, a few days ago I was talking with my mom (a really strict fundamentalist Baptist). I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I mentioned something about evolution and she absolutely spazzed out. She was going on about how wrong and ungodly evolution is and how it can't be right because it contradicts the bible. I told her that perhaps it's just how she is interpereting it and she flipped out again, she says that you can tell when the bible is allegorical and when it's not, and that genesis was definitely not. I asked her how she knew that it had to be taken literally, and I think that kind of threw her off, so she went on a rant about how I was going to hell and I needed to pray for forgiveness...

Then, I asked her if she really thought about how silly the idea of hell was, that really seemed to rub her the wrong way. Anyway, long story short, my name is erased from the book of life and I work for satan (another thing I don't really believe in literally) now. My mom isn't talking to me now and my dad is in China on a business trip for another week, so I'm kind of lost. What should I do, just pretend that the devil had control of me then and say that I believe everything in the exact way she does, which is the only right way? Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I think she's a close-minded nimrod and I don't know how to deal with her at all. I know we'll have a talk with my dad when she gets home and hopefully he'll be a little more understanding. Anybody else have to deal with fundy parents like this?

I know the majority of the people here are not like my mom at all, and don't think that I'm going to hell or anything.

By the way, she's not keeping me home from school or anything, I'm there right now, study hall.

I would fail your mom's Christian test badly, and God has visited me in the most profound ways, so not to worry friend.

Rad

 

[Arkanin]

I had fundy parents. My advice is, no, definitely don't take it back. And definitely don't try to persuade them to agree with you either. I would say, you need to be straightforward about what you honestly believe and petition them to accept the fact that that is what you honestly believe.

I'm not saying that you should be disrespectful to your parents, but if you are sure what you believe is what you will believe for a while, then you need to expect them to accept that fact. I think that if you expect them to accept the fact that you believe differently, they will (and honestly, I think it is very sensible, in fact, insightful on your part to have come to those conclusions).

But I also very strongly suggest against debating with them about who is right. I would push for acceptance and nothing more or less. And you need to not argue about religious topics with them, as it will create unnecessary tension in you guys' life. I did this with my fundy parents when I was about 15 and we just don't talk about religion or politics, and we get along very well despite my being a politically liberal atheist.

 

[Hydra009]

Wazoo,

I don't have fundamentalist parents either, but I do have some suggestions:

What should I do, just pretend that the devil had control of me then and say that I believe everything in the exact way she does, which is the only right way?

That's probably not a good idea. It's lying, and she'll eventually know that you're not being sincere. Stand firm in your beliefs, but don't antagonize her's. Just make it clear to her exactly what you believe and if she'll accept you for what you believe then everything's dandy. If she won't, then it's her problem, not yours.

*edit - Arkanin beat me to it.

 

[AirPo]

Hello everyone, I've lurked at these boards for a long time, but never posted anything. I've learned a lot of things here, I grew up in a fundamentalist home, but I see how damaging and insane those beliefs are. Right now I'm probably so liberal in my christian beliefs that some wouldn't even consider me to be christian. I don't believe in hell, I definitely don't believe in a literal bible, and I think that christians have a lot of wrong opinions about God.

Anyway, that brings me to my situation, a few days ago I was talking with my mom (a really strict fundamentalist Baptist). I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I mentioned something about evolution and she absolutely spazzed out. She was going on about how wrong and ungodly evolution is and how it can't be right because it contradicts the bible. I told her that perhaps it's just how she is interpereting it and she flipped out again, she says that you can tell when the bible is allegorical and when it's not, and that genesis was definitely not. I asked her how she knew that it had to be taken literally, and I think that kind of threw her off, so she went on a rant about how I was going to hell and I needed to pray for forgiveness...

Then, I asked her if she really thought about how silly the idea of hell was, that really seemed to rub her the wrong way. Anyway, long story short, my name is erased from the book of life and I work for satan (another thing I don't really believe in literally) now. My mom isn't talking to me now and my dad is in China on a business trip for another week, so I'm kind of lost. What should I do, just pretend that the devil had control of me then and say that I believe everything in the exact way she does, which is the only right way? Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I think she's a close-minded nimrod and I don't know how to deal with her at all. I know we'll have a talk with my dad when she gets home and hopefully he'll be a little more understanding. Anybody else have to deal with fundy parents like this?

I know the majority of the people here are not like my mom at all, and don't think that I'm going to hell or anything.

By the way, she's not keeping me home from school or anything, I'm there right now, study hall.

I'd tread lightly here. You could possible lose your releationship with her. Don't push the issue unless it becomes necessary. I mean really necessary. For example, my mother refused visits with my grandmother, a Johova Witness, until grandma promised that if something happened to me, she would allow medical intervention.

Otherwise, your mom is more importent than being right.

 

[coyoteBR]

sheesh, WazoO, difficult situation.

The best thing to do is avoid trouble. Maybe you can go to her, and say you're sorry if you upset her, and maybe the better is to forget that subject and continue being a loving mother and son. Finish with a good hug.

Maybe she will say something in the line of you not being upseting her, but God. You can answer: "Well, that's between me and Him. All that matters now is to be close to the mother I love very much."

A bit of emotional bribe, I know, but mothers are mothers.
Hope that everything improves on your family.

 

[Amalthea]

You're 18 the age of majority. Believe what you want but avoid shouting matches.

 

[arizona_sunshine]

You're 18 the age of majority. Believe what you want but avoid shouting matches.

This advice has been given a few times in this thread, and I think its perfect. It is more important that you embrace and apply your new understanding of Christianity than it is to convince unwilling parties that you are right. Calling another's belief 'silly' only fans the flame, as you have seen, and that should be avoided. Continue to study and apply the teachings you believe, that will be the strongest argument in your favor. If this is not recognized by your family, it is unfortunate that they are missing out on the real wealth brought to a life by faith ...

 

[doubtingmerle]

Anybody else have to deal with fundy parents like this?

First, congratulations, WaZoo for your courageous step forward. It is a very difficult thing to do. You will be glad you made this decision.

I too grew up with fundamentalist parents, and was a committed Bible-waving Soul-winning Independent Baptist for years. That belief system can give one a lot of comfort, and the thought of leaving the security of that belief system can be terrifying.

As others have said, you need not convince your parents. The last thing you want is a heated argument.

I recommend that you take the time to think for yourself and to learn more about other thought systems. There are a wealth of good resources on the web, as well as support sites for those who are going through the trauma of leaving Christianity.

If your parents are ever open to questioning, you may want to refer them to my website--Questioning: An Examination of Christian Beleif--which is designed to help people think about the problems of religion in a non-offensive way.

Wishing you the best.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

We all have fundy parents and we are all fundy ourselves... else there would never any conflicts at all.
Consider this possiblility that you are just as fundamentalist and narrow in your beliefs as your parents are... howbeit in the other direction.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

The most fundamentalist people are the ones who insist that they are not!

 

[ApostateAbe]

WaZoO, I went through the same hell. I suggest that you move out as soon as you have a job or college loans. You have no use being around her anymore.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

WaZoO, I went through the same hell. I suggest that you move out as soon as you have a job or college loans. You have no use being around her anymore.

More fundy advice...

 

[feral]

I've learned a lot of things here, I grew up in a fundamentalist home, but I see how damaging and insane those beliefs are. Right now I'm probably so liberal in my christian beliefs that some wouldn't even consider me to be christian. I don't believe in hell, I definitely don't believe in a literal bible, and I think that christians have a lot of wrong opinions about God.

Was there ever a time in your life where you shared these fundamentalist beliefs? If so, what do you think caused the change in your understanding, such as no longer seeing the Bible as literal? Also, have you done a lot of research and examined both sides to the issues before making up your mind? If not I would recommend it, not only so you are informed but also to make sure you are not just reacting to or rebelling from your families fundamentalism. It is possible to be a mainstream Christian and avoid both fundamentalism and radicalism.

I told her that perhaps it's just how she is interpereting it and she flipped out again, she says that you can tell when the bible is allegorical and when it's not, and that genesis was definitely not.

Does she believe in talking snakes?

Then, I asked her if she really thought about how silly the idea of hell was, that really seemed to rub her the wrong way.

Yes, well...as silly and quaint as it might seem to you, your mother obviously believes very strongly in hell, and questioning her made her feel insulted, attacked and demeaned. When someone is desperately clutching at a long held set of beliefs, questioning them or offering alternatives throws them into defensive mode. A better way to approach it probably would have been "What is your understanding of hell, and how would you respond to someone who doubted it?". Of course, even if you are nice about it, some people simply cannot tolerant debate.

My mom isn't talking to me now and my dad is in China on a business trip for another week, so I'm kind of lost. What should I do, just pretend that the devil had control of me then and say that I believe everything in the exact way she does, which is the only right way? Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I think she's a close-minded nimrod and I don't know how to deal with her at all. I know we'll have a talk with my dad when she gets home and hopefully he'll be a little more understanding. Anybody else have to deal with fundy parents like this?

Obviously I do not know your mother personally, but I would first suggest that you apologize to her for offending her, and explain honestly that you have many doubts and questions and do not share her beliefs in many respects. Do not make it sound like she is the one with the problem or that she is naive or stupid but that you are the one with unresolved questions.

Be honest with her. Share your doubts. Use tact and show respect for her opinions. Tell her that the devil seems abstract to you and explain your doubts and obstacles. Do not say "obviously, Hell does not exist", instead say "I do not understand how a loving God can create a Hell to punish people. These beliefs seem incompatible. What do you think?" or something along those lines. She may be able to present more evidence to you, or not, but in any case you can still show respect for her. If she really flies off the handle every time you mention an alternative view, then she probably is having doubts herself and is unwilling to face them. Also realize that she loves you and that in her understanding you will be eternally punished for these questions - she wants you to share her beliefs because you fears you will suffer otherwise.

If it turns out that she argues with you or that you fight every time you share a differing viewpoint, then I suggest not talking to your mother about religion anymore. If she requires you to attend church with her then go, but stay off the topic at home. When she says something about it, listen and nod politely, and agree with what you can, and then turn to something else. In the meantime, there are plenty of other people you can talk to, like church leaders and others, even many on this board. Over time you can slowly began to address your questions and beliefs to your mother, but throwing all your opposition at her at once is too much for her, apparently.

 

[Brimshack]

My own parents had a few irrationale spots (though I suspect that may not be such a mark of distinction), and I think it helps to remember that they may be asking very different questions than you are. I think for many Fundamentalists, including perhaps your Mother, the dominant theme is one of personal relationships rather than rational critique. The thing is, though, that it is a complete paradigm, and there is no way in or out. The interpretation she advances is one that reflects her loyalty to the God she believes in; even to question that is to show disloyalty to that God, and as that God is deserving of the loyalty, no question about him can be asked without showing your own disloyalty. You can go round and round until the frustration is beyond belief, but the point is that no questions about evidence will get through. Nevermind the answers, your questions themselves will be translated first into an equasion of loyalty, hence her outrage instead of an answer. I don't have any concrete suggestions for how to deal with the matter, but I do think it pays to remember that you may have something of a language barriar at work here. Accept the fact that you may never get through, and your interactions will be less stressfull.

Good luck.

 

[Brimshack]

We all have fundy parents and we are all fundy ourselves... else there would never any conflicts at all.
Consider this possiblility that you are just as fundamentalist and narrow in your beliefs as your parents are... howbeit in the other direction.

Redefining fundamentalist so as to render it universally applicable is one way to destroy the meaning of the term. It is entirely fair to suggest that the OP should try to be open himself in approaching the discussion. It is not, however, fair to suggest that simply taking a stand in any way makes his position the moral or intellectual equivalent ofthe one he opposes.

 

[silverflare]

Be straightforward about what you believe. Tell them your beliefs do not change your love for them and that you should hope it works the other way around. After all, they are commanded by the Bible to love even their enemies, so loving their daughter cannot be so hard to fathom for them. It's important not to lose people that you care about, but it's also important to stand up for what you believe in. Just remember, it's your life, not theirs.

 

[Stormy]

didaskalos: Thank you for showing us that there is more than one type of fundy.

To the OP: I would suggest that you have respect and love your mother, for who she is, and hopefully one day she will do the same for you.

Everyone can see that change is necessary, but it is rarely an inward sighting.