dealing with lying??

[tiffyof6ntwins]

Just wanted some input on how others deal with lying. I do not tolerate lying for any reason in my house and the consequence is usually a spanking, although not always. It does depend on how serious and how big the lie, but always has a major consequence. It works for my kids they know the consequences and not often do they tell even a white lie.

How do others deal with lying in their homes?

 

[b.hopeful]

We don't spank..so that's not on the table. It really depends though. What age are they? What are they lying about? Where are they developmentally?

My older two have never had an issue with it. I think being fair and consistent in dealing with matters has made them comfortable with owning up and dealing with the consequences. I honestly couldn't tell you when either one of them lied.

My son....he tries to lie but because of his disability and maturity...he can't pull it off. The other day I found two pieces of broken pottery. I said aloud...it looks like someone broke something and didn't tell me. I already knew it was my son...I had just seen him riding a skateboard through the tv room. Also, if it were one of the girls, they would've cleaned it up better and told me. So my son comes running in and says NOT ME! I just looked at him and asked....why didn't you tell me? broken glass is dangerous. He said "I knew you'd be mad!" So I said "you broke it Peter" and he said "No, it wasn't me". So he tripped himself up. But..with him...all you have to do is remind him....don't lie...and he'll fess up. It's an avoidance thing....it's pretty developmentally appropriate for him. So he was lectured about why he can't skateboard upstairs and how he needs to ask for help so no one gets hurt and how you never lie to mommy because she needs the truth. He had a time out..and I'm sure he'll lie again but I view it as a part of development.

I also know that I tell lies as an adult. Little ones...but lies none the less. A good friend of mine talked about her birthday gift and it was something she saw at a vintage store and wanted so badly and her dh surprised her...it was a cameo necklace. I think cameo necklaces are hideous actually and only belong on dead old ladies. Would I say that? No....even when she says "How gorgeous is this?" I know she's not really asking to hear my opinions on cameos...so I say....Wow, your dh did a great job...so pretty.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

Right now I'm trying to distinguish lies from pretend to my almost 4 year old. She's finally starting to understand the difference and has told a few lies. They're are nothing huge, but they are still lies. Like I ask her if she cleaned up her toys and she says yes..I go into her room and she clearly hasn't touched them..I explain to her that it's not nice to lie to anyone, make her clean up her toys and sit on the couch for a while for punishment.

For the record I do spank, but she's still learning about lying and I don't feel that for her, at this stage, that spanking is an appropriate punishment.

 

[Inkachu]

Kids usually lie because they're afraid of the consequences. So how can you make them more comfortable with telling the truth when they've done something wrong?

First of all, make the consequences felt, but not so drastic or painful that your kids feel lying is the better alternative to being truthful. Remember that God is patient and merciful with us, He doesn't strike us down with a bolt of lightning when we mess up, especially when we're "young" in our walk with Him.

Second (and maybe I should've put this first), the best and most powerful way to combat lying is by developing and maintaining a relationship with your child where they feel safe and loved. That isn't something you can work on here and there, it's something you need to do 24/7, all the time. The more your child loves and trusts you, the less incentive there is to lie to you, the more obedient they'll try to be, and the more uncomfortable their little conscience will be if they try to lie.

Lying is based on fear, the Bible says love casts out fear; the same dynamic between us and God applies to us and our children. If a Christian sins and feels afraid to confess it because they're terrified of God smiting them with some terrible punishment, there's something extremely lacking in their relationship with Jesus. Guilt and conviction should drive us TO confess, knowing that forgiveness and grace are just a prayer away. Try to nurture that kind of trust and bond with your child!

Sorry for getting so lengthy, I really didn't mean to, lol. FTR I'm a single mom to a 9 year old boy, and because of the above beliefs and practices, we do not have an issue with lying.

 

[ido]

Kids lie to protect themselves from consequences. So, the harsher the consequences, the more likely they will lie to try and protect themselves.

I don't deal with outright lying as much as I deal with my older son (he's 8) saying, "I don't know" or "I don't remember". I don't see these as lies even though he does know or remember - I see them as escape mechanisms that he has learned from his dad (my ex). If you say I don't know or I don't remember then there aren't any consequences for your behavior - and if there is, you have a right to be indignant about it. Yes - this is the behavior his father models and allows in all 3 of his sons.

I work to counter the belief that this type of behavior is acceptable through accountability and sending him to his room or taking priviliges away until he does know or remember. He usually has some sort of epiphany as soon as I head in that direction in our conversation. lol

 

[bliz]

How old are your kids?

Do they understand the difference between lying and wishing or pretending?

Do you set them up to lie or give them opportunities to lie? Do you ask questions you already know the answers to? (Example: - asking the child whose muddy footprints lead to their bedroom door "Did you tack mud in the house?" The better response is to say "I see that you tracked mud in the house, please come help me clean it up.")

When we treat our children like suspected criminals, it's amazing how much they like that's what they are.

 

[Inkachu]

FNG - LOL @ your last line! And I really feel for what you have to deal with via your ex .. having to try and "deprogram" what they learn there. That's got to be so hard.

Bliz - great points! If you know your child did something, don't put them through some kind of lengthy inquisition, trying to "get them" to confess. Tell them you know the truth and get to the point!

I make it a point to ask my son every night when I'm tucking him into bed, "Is there anything you want to talk about?" and "Is there anything you want to pray about?" He usually says no, but I'm determined to keep that line of communication and trust open, all through his teen years, too. Because he knows that 1) he can tell me anything and I won't flip out, even if it's something he did wrong, and 2) I want to know what's happening in his life and in his mind and heart, he talks to me constantly throughout the day, tells me all kinds of stories about his friends and teachers, asks me questions non-stop, etc. I cherish that and will do everything I can to keep it that way.

 

[ido]

bliz - great post.

Ink - it is hard, especially the last few weeks, but it feels like we are turning a corner slowly. Like you, I keep persisting and trying to keep that line of communication open.

 

[tiredwalker]

We've decided to be like Bliz and try to set our kids up for success. Dh's parents we very strict about lying and never really cared to find out the reasons. A great example of this is: Dh's mom was very inconsistent with the homework routine. Dh knew he was getting a bad grade and was overwhelmed by his work load, and his parents weren't exactly the most approachable people. His mom didn't ask about his homework and just assumed it was done. So, when he intercepted his progress report and lied about it, his parent were furious. He recieved 20 swats with a belt and was told that when he cooled down they expected an apology for lying. After that, they did absolutely nothing to make sure that his homework was done. They didn't sit down with him to do it. They didn't teach him discipline; they just showed him that if he got caught lying, they would abuse him and then demand that he apologize.

I think a much better approach in that specific case would be to ground him for lying (he was in jr. high), get his make-up work and sit with him while he did it, and then set up a daily routine to ensure his success. He still has time management issues because his parents just assumed that was his responsibility. He didn't learn it, so there must be something wrong with him--that doesn't jive with me. Obviously, the responsibility is his now as an adult, but he certainly didn't have a good set up for it in his childhood.

Now, if the child is just lying for lying sake (making up stories, etc), then we will have conversations about the dangers of lying and start a method of discipline that is most effective with that child--Kids aren't all the same, so we discipline accourding to what that child responds best too.

 

[mstrohm]

We should always be careful not to justify away what is plainly sin. To lying is an act of sin.

Of course we need to help our children learn and understand what is right and wrong. All parents are commanded to train our children in the ways of the Lord. So we train first, then we need to reinforce our training by lovingly point out when they do the right thing and when they do the wrong. Then, after we have trained and they are old enough to understand, then we have discipled by pointing out the right and by pointing out the wrong we need to outline consequences to our children. If you do "such and such" then you will earn "such and such consequence." If it helps, give your child a chance to make the right decision. "Now, before you tell me if it was you who broke this glass, let me remind you that lying is serious and we have a consequence if you are lying."

The actual consequence will depend on your child's age, your parenting style and the severity of the lying. However, there are 7 things God hates. A lying tongue is one of them! I would say lying is a big problem and one parents should take very seriously.

May God bless you in your important job as parent!!!!

Mark