Dealing with lonliness

[Mercy4u]

Let me first get over the shock of being in the "mature" singles catagory LOL! Makes me feel like a senior citizen. I know I'm 38 but I'm still getting used to the whole "late 30's" thing

Is it just me or is anyone else dealing more with lonliness lately? I used to be more content being single and even liked the advantages of it. But lately I'm really struggling with being alone. I have wonderful friends (mostly married friends) but I feel like something is lacking. It's not that Jesus isn't enough..He is MORE than enough. It's just that it is hard being single. Sometimes I just want someone there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. sometimes I get tired of going home by myself every night. And sometimes it just starts feeling hopeless that I'll ever find Mr. Right. Today I just feel like I've totally missed the chance to have a marriage and a family. I've never been married, have no children and am still a virgin. I guess sometimes there is a mourning for what might have been if I had met someone earlier in my life. I want children and that clock is just ticking away especially when there is no one in my life at all right now and hasn't been for quite some time. It's just been a really discouraging few months for me and the holidays aren't seeming to help. If it weren't for the true meaning of Christmas I'd dread it all together and I won't even get into new year's eve.
I'm not trying to whine or seem desperate. I haven't waited on the Lord for 38 years to mess up now. I'm just in a battle that is kind of overwhelming me right now.

Anyone else there?

 

[Stanfi]

Mercy,

I think everyone is dodging your question!

The holidays are a bad time to be single. With all of the advertising and things around us, and promoting romance (i.e. notice all the jewlry comercials), and "spending time with the one you love". It is a constant reminder that there is not anyone. I know a few years ago, I kind of had someone in my life who I really liked, and went to a Christmas play with her, it was great. So nice to spend holidays moments with someone special. That relationship tanked, and there hasn't been anyone else, however I think of the day every year.

I know it sounds cliche, but all one can really do is to plead their case before God. I often think of Hanah, and how she wept bitterly before God, because she wanted a son. All we can do is the same and trust in him. I know hard, but all we can do.

 

[Mercy4u]

Mercy,

I think everyone is dodging your question!

The holidays are a bad time to be single. With all of the advertising and things around us, and promoting romance (i.e. notice all the jewlry comercials), and "spending time with the one you love". It is a constant reminder that there is not anyone. I know a few years ago, I kind of had someone in my life who I really liked, and went to a Christmas play with her, it was great. So nice to spend holidays moments with someone special. That relationship tanked, and there hasn't been anyone else, however I think of the day every year.

I know it sounds cliche, but all one can really do is to plead their case before God. I often think of Hanah, and how she wept bitterly before God, because she wanted a son. All we can do is the same and trust in him. I know hard, but all we can do.

I think you're right! Everyone IS dodging my question

Thanks for replying! I did have a private message from it that was really nice. I think just typing it out made me feel better that day.
I understand how you must feel now after that relationship ended. I often think back and wonder what might have been if a past relationship of my own hadn't ended. It doesn't help much with the lonliness factor does it?
The holidays are definitely the worst!

It doesn't sound cliche to me to plead my case before God. I do that a lot.God does answer our prayers just not in the timing or with the answer we sometimes want Him to. I had a discussion with my stepmom not to long ago who isn't a Christian. She says I need to go for a nonchristian man and that it wouldn't matter. I tried to tell her about being unequally yoked but she had no concept of what I was saying. The thing is, If i did compromise my beliefs. I could find a nonchristian man soon. But I'd rather be lonley and single than get out of the will of God. There is a lot of pressure from my family because I'm 38 and single, they want grandkids and they want me to be happy. It adds to what I'm already dealing with on my own. Waiting is not easy but I do beleive that in the long run it will be worth it. I just wish the long run wasn't sooooo long LOL.

I used to think, I didn't want Christ to come back before I had a husband and a family. Now I find myself praying "come quickly Lord Jesus!" Because if I was with Christ it wouldn't matter and these feelings would all melt in His presence. Maybe I should be able to find that peace here on Earth. Maybe I just don't get it. I do know God understands lonliness. Isn't that why he created us? When Christ was on the cross and God turned his head I truly beleive Jesus suffered the ultimate lonliness in that instant. That is so far beyond anything I have felt or could even imagine feeling. I know he knows my heart and my desire for a husband and a family. I know he knows that I truly desire for Him to always be first in every area of my life. I beleive he delights when he gives his children the desires of thier heart, I also beleive he cries with us when we suffer heartache. He is here with us. I have prayed that if it isn't in his plan for me to have someone that he remove the desire from me. So far it's still there and if anything it's gotten stronger.
It is hard, Life is so hard but God does understand and we can cry out to him. It is in those quiet times when I get in his presence that nothing matters anymore but him that I find the strength to face another day. I haven't got the hang of actually "Living" in that place day in and day out. I do seek it though.

God bless you for replying to this thread. It's always encouraging to hear from someone who understands!

 

[Stanfi]

No remembering a past relationship does nothing to help feeling lonely that is for sure,, but then again I only seem to remember the good. To be honest, that girl wasn't very honest with me, and treated me like I was disposable, during the time I was thinking I had a chance with her, she was seeing someone else, who she probably has married by now, and to make it worse, he's not a Christian, and she was..

Yes, Jesus experienced loneliness greater than we will ever have to, he experience complete seperation from God when he took the sin of the world up on him. We never have to go through that.

It is good that you see the value in not being unequally yoked, so many give in, and put aside their religious conviction, only to regret it later.

I have found to spend times with friends keep me from feeling lonely, God made us relational beings, and we are not to spend our time in isolation.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I pray that I can continue to tune out all of the stupid advertising that promotes the whole everyone living happily ever after crapolla!

I deal with a different kind of loneliness. It's not so much that being single and being lonely are one in the same for me, rather it's the fact that there is pressure around me. People around me seem to like to tell me TOO MUCH INFORMATION about their personal lives and tell me that I should be getting involved in the same ways they are. However, there are two problems with the environment around me (in real life): 1: I am not a desirable person and therefore do not attract the opposite sex and 2: My moral conscience prohibits me from engaging in certain behaviours. I would call what I've been feeling lately more like 'frustration' than loneliness. Here's praying that you can conquer these feelings and tell Satan to quit messing with your mind. God bless you!

 

[Jenster]

I relate, Mercy! And I haven't been dodging the question; I just haven't been online much this week.

Feel like I've missed the chance to get married? Yup, that's me. Tired of coming home by myself (well, to roommates rather than a husband)? Yup again! Wondering if it's even *possible* to find a Mr. Right anymore? Yes, yes.

Last weekend, I had the added challenge of hearing that a church couple is having a baby shower, only I'm not invited to it. As a single person, that makes me feel even MORE out of the loop, you know? ouch. You know, all the families and couples hang out together...

Like you, I'm trying to stay positive -- God's blessed me with more than I could ever hope for. But at the same time, there are certain things that are like triggers for self-pity, like the world's emphasis on "your loved one" during Christmas and New Year's.

I'm blessed in that my parents live nearby and I have single women friends that I spend time with. By no means are we the only people who are single! But it just seems like our world -- even our churches sometimes -- measures our worth by (1) whether you're married; and (2) whether you're part of the married/families clique.

And here's another thing: Does it ever make you go "huh" that some people are married, while you're not? I hope that doesn't sound bad; I don't mean it to be a put-down. I just mean that sometimes I look at people and they may not be terribly considerate of others, or they may be fairly self-absorbed, and yet -- they're married! So clearly, finding one's mate is not solely about being a good, quality person. More about social skills, I would say. What does anyone think about that?

Anyway, you've got people here who understand what it's like Mercy. I hope we can encourage one another.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Last weekend, I had the added challenge of hearing that a church couple is having a baby shower, only I'm not invited to it. As a single person, that makes me feel even MORE out of the loop, you know? ouch. You know, all the families and couples hang out together...

And here's another thing: Does it ever make you go "huh" that some people are married, while you're not? I hope that doesn't sound bad; I don't mean it to be a put-down. I just mean that sometimes I look at people and they may not be terribly considerate of others, or they may be fairly self-absorbed, and yet -- they're married! So clearly, finding one's mate is not solely about being a good, quality person. More about social skills, I would say. What does anyone think about that?

You weren't invited because you're single?! That's how my *former* church treated me. I was the only *single* person between the age of high school and AARP in the congregation. So when it came to breaking the midweek service into small groups for study, I wanted to be in this one group (mainly consisting of marrieds) because the time was more convenient for my work schedule. However, I got a call from the groups' *leader* saying that I needed to be in another group because that fit me more (college age). The sad thing was that the studies we were doing at the time were the same in each group so it really wouldn't have mattered.

As for your other comment, yeah....I totally understand. Some people seem as if they don't DESERVE the affections of another human being yet there they are! However, what we see in public may be nothing like what the home is like. The spouse may be miserable and wishing for a way out or the the mean-spirited person may just be insecure around large groups. I guess it could be a number of things. I hate to say it but I also see couples were I wonder how they attracted anyone in the first place based on several factors....looks, attitude, even hygiene! The whole business of *love* boggles the mind!

 

[Jenster]

I hate to say it but I also see couples were I wonder how they attracted anyone in the first place based on several factors....looks, attitude, even hygiene! The whole business of *love* boggles the mind!

Hygiene? Yipes! Just goes to show, people do put on their best face during dating, then once they're married -- bammo! -- back to their normal selves.

 

[Jesus1stKing]

Well it is nice to see that others share the same feelings [misery ‘Loves Company’ ], and I want to remind you that we men go through the many of the same things. Women may talk about hearing the “Clock running”, but the same clock also affects us men, we just stay quiet about it. LOL All of my life I have only had one desire; to be married and to raise a family, well I know have to admit that I will never see that [too old to raise my own kids now, it wouldn’t be fair to them.] and it truly breaks my heart. I have asked God many times “WHY”, only to sit back and listen to others complain about having to raise a family.


You speak of those who you question the rightness of their ability to marry while you remain single; I too have witnessed it many times. We all know those who a few years ago, we would have bet would never see marriage, only to watch as they show off “The RING”.

I can relate to the bible study scenario, we had a great ‘Singles Group” a few years ago we were all about the same age and did lots of things together. I am now the only one who is “NOT Married”. sigh!!! To make matters worse they decided to start another Singles group after a couple of years with out one, so now if someone wants to join they have two choices; 1- the “College & Career Group [18-25]. 2- “50’s+” [ 50 to …]. SO where does this leave the average single Christian of a good age to get married settle down and raise a family???

Finally, I have to say that to me the worse thing is not, not being accepted because I am single, rather being invited to another Wedding where once again I am the only single person over the age of 18. I HATE WEDDINGS!!!
Alas: Be of good cheer, “For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” [Jer. 29:11]

 

[JesusCovered]

I pray alot and look for ways to help other

 

[Driver]

Having pets helps. There's nothing like a furry cat in your lap or a dog to greet you as you come home from work. They never let you down, either.

 

[stepha1]

I am late on this as I usually am with many things. I can relate to what many of you have said. I see people who are married and wonder why not me. One person jumps into my mind immediately. Not that they don't deserve love but why don't I. I am divorced with tow children. One is 13 (had her 11 days after I graduate high school) and the other is three (almost). I got married to a man that was not a christian. We had our son together. It turned out to be an awful relationship. I do not regret it b/c of my son and I do beleive it made be a stronger person and stronger in my faith. But now not only do I have to find someone to love me but also my children. I went to church service Saturday and so wanted to have what so many families appeared to have. They prayed together and took the Lord's Supper together. I have to keep my faith and belief that God has that person waiting for me and my children.

 

[Craft]

I am late on this as I usually am with many things. I can relate to what many of you have said. I see people who are married and wonder why not me. One person jumps into my mind immediately. Not that they don't deserve love but why don't I. I am divorced with tow children. One is 13 (had her 11 days after I graduate high school) and the other is three (almost). I got married to a man that was not a christian. We had our son together. It turned out to be an awful relationship. I do not regret it b/c of my son and I do beleive it made be a stronger person and stronger in my faith. But now not only do I have to find someone to love me but also my children. I went to church service Saturday and so wanted to have what so many families appeared to have. They prayed together and took the Lord's Supper together. I have to keep my faith and belief that God has that person waiting for me and my children.

I was given some advice from an old man one time about 25 years ago "Do not get married out of desparation, that will only make a bad marriage and make you miserable, when you least expect it you will find her."
I have taken this advice to heart, lol although I am happier single and I have always been a loner, I can see where his advice came from (two bad marriages and 3 children). He was just afraid to grow old alone. For me there is two days of the year that get me down, My Birthday and Christmas, both for same reasons, they are not the same as when I was young, lol but you cannot change time. I think I would be happier in the 16th or 17th century, knowing what I know now, lol!!

 

[mwb]

I think I found my new favorite forum. All my single soulmates are here. LOL.

I've never had a chance to be married so I don't feel like I missed an opportunity. As I get older, it becomes more difficult to date. Not that I was a big dating person as it is. I've always been tied up with family, always been waiting for my career to take off, always been waiting for the chance to own my own home. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting & still somewhat tied to family. I am a bit of a perfectionist about myself. If I'm not at my best, I don't feel like I have as much to offer.

Plus I was always very shy. Not withdrawn but shy. Some of this was due to my parents getting divorced when I was 10. I never looked for the meaningless relationship. Even when I was in grade school or high school, I always wanted to meet someone very special. I suppose I didn't want to go through the same pain as an adult I went through as a child.

I think I've conquered much of my shyness & insecurity but I still want to find someone special. Now, it's difficult to find single women who appreciate a guy who is not a man of the world. I don't have much but I really feel like if I had someone to be my rock, I would have the strength to get out there & fight the world because I would know there is someone at home who loves me no matter how tough it is in the outside world.

God bless you all in your search.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Not that I was a big dating person as it is. I've always been tied up with family, always been waiting for my career to take off, always been waiting for the chance to own my own home. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting & still somewhat tied to family. I am a bit of a perfectionist about myself. If I'm not at my best, I don't feel like I have as much to offer.

...it's difficult to find single women who appreciate a guy who is not a man of the world. I don't have much but I really feel like if I had someone to be my rock, I would have the strength to get out there & fight the world because I would know there is someone at home who loves me no matter how tough it is in the outside world.

God bless you all in your search.

Are you my long lost twin brother?

 

[MMXII]

Having been married and lost, I feel the lonliness the most at night when I go to bed. It was so nice to have someone to snuggle up to and to be able to talk over you day with the one you love. Sunday afternoons are pretty bad too because after church we'd take a nap and...well, you know and boy I miss the intimacy of a marriage.

 

[bithiah2]

I pray alot and look for ways to help other

has anyone thought about their purpose? i remember something at my old church that the pastor said that was so true, when you are not married it is not a bad thing, you have time to go back to school, travel, start your own business, and do all types of things that you would like, without having to answer to anyone but God.
it seems that once you really get into that, your life will become too busy to notice whether there is anyone else around or not, although we all go through periods of aloneness, it is much less when we are doing things that we love to do.
and i am not talking about being a missionary unless that is what God is telling you to do, or being available to everyone all the time. married people are sometimes under the impression that we have unlimited time and opportunity, many of them envy our lives, many women think we want their husbands, there are all types of things that we are confronted with on a regular basis. but, we can be content where we are, until our change comes, if it does. i am OK with myself, i enjoy my own company. i didn't always feel this way, but now i can truly say this. i travel by myself, went back to school and got a second degree and am changing careers. so, any man who comes along has to able to keep up!
blessings and true love to you
bithah2