Dealing with Girlfriend’s Past - threesome

[.Mikha'el.]

I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?

She's gotten past it and moved on with her life. You need to do the same.

 

[Cute Peonies]

She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this.

My only question is how and why did she tell you that. I understand that we all have our fantasies but those are things that you're supposed to keep to yourself. You certainly shouldn't reveal this kind of information to a potential future spouse. It's normal that you feel disappointed and disgusted. Who wouldn't?

Did you ask her if she was bi? It can explain a lot.

But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Even though this is a sensitive topic .. let's not judge her.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?

Pray to God and ask Him to guide you. There's 2 options.

1) God is teaching you to forgive her - as a Christian should do
2) God is showing you that she may not be the one.

Those are just my suppositions.

 

[Zoii]

Why do you care. Its her past. She wasnt with you. Maybe she enjoyed her sex life before you. So what. Id focus on your relationship going forward and not stuff up by throwing aspersions on her for a sex life before you.... Just as i gather she's not doing any such thing to you.

Gee I'm surprised how many men get so messed up about a womans past life. Key point: PAST LIFE

 

[zippy2006]

What would you’ll advise I do?

Talk to her and also listen to her side of the story. You need more information before making such a decision.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?

That's tough man, and I totally hear you. From your perspective you did what you did when you didn't know God, and to you what she did when she did know God seems worse than what you did. It does seem like a red flag that she doesn't seem phased by it.

My advise to you is just talk to her if the right time presents itself, are you serious about possibly one day getting married? Find out if she takes your relationship seriously. If so forgive, and part of forgiving is forgetting as well, and it's hard to do I find myself remembering stuff people have done to me and how it's hurt me and I pray that Jesus help me to forget and forgive.

The enemy will try and remind you of her past, but turn the tables for a second. If she was reminded of yours as well, would you reassure her you've changed and you love her? Now see yourself through that lens, if she is serious about you she will say the same to you. She chose you, she's not with any other man. Now it's just gauging how serious she is about the relationship.

Just deflect the memory if the enemy tries to remind you of it, or remind yourself how much she loves you. I know you posted this back in May but let me know if you get this how things are going

 

[surreal_platypus]

I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?

I went through something similar with one of my exes, I was initially fine about it, but I was kinda confused when I found that she was looking at lesbian inappropriate content videos on her phone.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

It looks like you are under-reacting.

Sex of any kind before marriage, outside of Godly union, is sin potentially worthy of death, according to all of God's Word, Plan and Purpose.
Forgiveness (God's Forgiveness) may(still) be available, and ought to be sought by anyone involved.

What we have to understand is what John said in his letter: "If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us, but if we confess our sin He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us."

What this means is that we have sinned, and we continue to sin. This is why we need constant application of 1 John 1:9 so that we don't try to hide our sinfulness from God and pretend that we are always righteous and holy and that our effluent doesn't stink. We are sinners, and try as we might to fully overcome sinful desires, we will never succeed, and as a result we have godly sorrow and have a repentant attitude. Like what Charles Spurgeon said, "I'm just a poor sinner and nothing at all, but Jesus Christ is my all in all."

To reject your girlfriend because of past sin, regardless of what it was, is to deny that Jesus is a complete Saviour for her and that He did not pay the full price for her sin when He died on the Cross, and that there is still a penalty pending for her sin. Furthermore you are making God out to be a liar. We also need to take heed of Jesus' parable of the wicked servant, who was forgiven of a debt that he could never repay, and then went to a fellow servant who owed him a much smaller amount and had him put in prison until he could pay the debt. That's what we do sometimes. We depend on Jesus to have paid the full penalty for our sins, yet we are quick to criticise a fellow believer when they fall off the holiness wagon.

So if you are rejecting your girlfriend because of a sin she has committed, then do you really believe that Jesus is a complete Saviour who took the full penalty for your and her sins when He died on the Cross?

 

[WilliamK76]

Sexual sin is a beast to overcome. When it comes to women, I’ve had to practically live an isolated life for the past 3 years to keep myself from falling into fornication and sinning against God. It’s mind boggling to me, because when I am alone I am so much spiritually stronger in my relationship with God, than when I get into a relationship with a woman I quickly deceive myself and all the integrity that I am able to establish with God when I am alone flys straight out the window. It’s like the beauty of a woman over powers my ability to think rationally and I lose myself.. then I get so frustrated because it brings to the surface things about myself that I am not aware of and don’t have to deal with when I am single. Then it makes me wonder if I’m one of those who aren’t meant by God to be in a relationship, and then I get upset with God over that. I’m like why allow me to be plagued with a desire to be with a girl when it doesn’t seem to be meant to be for me? Anyone else have a similar experience in their life?

 

[ReesePiece23]

Sexual sin is a beast to overcome. When it comes to women, I’ve had to practically live an isolated life for the past 3 years to keep myself from falling into fornication and sinning against God. It’s mind boggling to me, because when I am alone I am so much spiritually stronger in my relationship with God, than when I get into a relationship with a woman I quickly deceive myself and all the integrity that I am able to establish with God when I am alone flys straight out the window. It’s like the beauty of a woman over powers my ability to think rationally and I lose myself.. then I get so frustrated because it brings to the surface things about myself that I am not aware of and don’t have to deal with when I am single. Then it makes me wonder if I’m one of those who aren’t meant by God to be in a relationship, and then I get upset with God over that. I’m like why allow me to be plagued with a desire to be with a girl when it doesn’t seem to be meant to be for me? Anyone else have a similar experience in their life?

You soon get bored of it. Once enough women have wasted your soul, you become pretty numb towards it all.

I'm involved in a nice companionship now. We're both into the same things, heading towards a common goal, and we motivate each other to stay on task.

I can NOT even begin to tell you how refreshing it is. It's energy giving, not energy draining.