• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

    If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.

    If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.

    Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist

Dealing with Girlfriend’s Past - threesome

Red flag or am I overreacting?

  • Red flag

    Votes: 5 71.4%
  • I’m over reacting

    Votes: 2 28.6%

  • Total voters
    7

Walk K.

Member
Dec 15, 2021
7
4
Texas
✟9,136.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
In Relationship
I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?
 
Last edited:

CallofChrist

Active Member
Supporter
Apr 24, 2012
324
335
St.Paul, MN
✟89,549.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
You committed sexual sin, she committed sexual sin... what is the difference? Trying to pass it off as "natural" for you and not for her is a bit disingenuous, IMHO.
 
Upvote 0

bèlla

❤️
Supporter
Jan 16, 2019
20,482
17,644
USA
✟933,652.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
In Relationship
You’d be surprised what Christians do and keep to themselves. You’re lucky she told you the truth. More than a few believe its “under the blood” and doesn’t bear mentioning.

Sin has two requirements. Desire and a seared conscience. Yours led you to relations with many. Hers to group sex. Both are fornication from God’s perspective.

The elephant in the room isn’t repentance. It’s can you live with it? You’re going to discover a lot of things about your partner you dislike. Especially when you’re married. You see qualities that didn’t show up while dating. Somethings only come out when you’re under the same roof.

That’s why agape is the standard not eros. You can’t love her through the flesh. It’s fickle. You need a holy abiding love that forgives, turns the other cheek, and labors in prayer on her behalf.

Right now you’re thinking in pairs. You and I. But God sees one. He sees a rib not a separate entity. Can she be that for you? Will her mistakes prevent you from embracing your bone? If so, you have your answer.
 
Upvote 0

ReesePiece23

The Peanut Buttery Member.
Sep 17, 2013
5,790
5,260
33
✟286,418.00
Faith
Christian
Well, she is repentant because YOU know about it. And you didn't find out through a third party, she actually told you. She told you about an encounter, that was, at best, a strange, awkward and slightly embarrassing experience. And we've all got them, I don't care who you are. The fact she told you is actually quite significant. I don't know that I'd even admit it to myself if I had done it.

College was a confusing time for all of us. Now I don't know about you, but I'm 31 now and have lived three different lifetimes since then. The person I was then couldn't be further from me now.
 
Upvote 0

DragonFox91

Well-Known Member
Dec 20, 2020
4,979
3,083
32
Michigan
✟212,496.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Republican
I agree Call. But I think the difference he doesn't think she regrets it, & he does regret his mistakes.

OP, first thing you have to do is confess full-heartedly you made mistakes & it's not according to God's will. You have little ground to talk to her about it without admitting what you did is no better & there's no excuse.

Does she know your history? If so, that's probably why she came across as confused it bothered you. B/c she knows you made mistakes too. She may've been wondering why you were judging her when she knows you erred too.

I also think it is good red flags are going off in your head. Yes, we do all make mistakes, but for your own good you do not want someone who pretends to be one thing (a Christian) but inwardly doesn't care or has the wrong motivations.

You will have to discuss it w/ her further.
 
  • Useful
Reactions: CallofChrist
Upvote 0

GoldenKingGaze

Prevent Slavery, support the persecuted.
Mar 12, 2007
4,200
518
Visit site
✟249,501.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Single
Politics
AU-Labor
See a Christian counselor both by yourself and with her.

Once you understand the full extent of her not giving you what she owes you, by the threesome, and the other men having the honours that should have been kept for you, then begin to forgive her. And discipline your mind not to picture things. Focus outwards, pray, read, work...

Read a book on forgiveness like Rodney Hogues'

I think in regards to honour and being set apart from others together for God, don't get even, seek fullness. In what you offer and receive.

Receive Jesus' blood as cleansing, sanctifying atonement and restorer of honour. Look for living water, attend conferences.

Also forgive yourself and overcome guilt and shame.
 
Upvote 0

Cormack

“I bet you're a real hulk on the internet...”
Apr 21, 2020
1,469
1,407
London
✟94,797.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Baptist
Marital Status
Single
Is this a red flag or am I over reacting?

It’s a huge red flag, my friend. Despite what Hollywood tries to promote, the vast VAST majority of women aren’t having threesomes, even fewer are prepared to boldly share the fact with their current partner. That’s risky sexual behaviour, and sexual risk takers sometimes have more skeletons in the closet.

Of course you have your own history, but you’re not going to look cockeyed at someone for believing that avoiding three ways and dedication to chastity would’ve been the better path for you.

and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this.

This is the real fish hook in the eye moment for me. She doesn’t know you (or men in general) if she’s “confused” by your response to her group sex. Having group sex isn’t like ordering a half and half pizza, and for her to act so cool about the whole thing hints that you have different ethics with regards to intimacy.

She doesn’t understand that hearing those things can impact the way you see her, which means 1) she doesn’t have sufficient knowledge of your values, and 2) she doesn’t sufficiently fear your reaction.

Most women dating strong, moral men are so terrified of disappointing the mans expectations that they’d never admit to such shocking past behaviour. Men mostly don’t want to know those nasty things about a girl they like, and for their partner to share them is hinting that she doesn’t get it.

What would you’ll advise I do?

My advice is this. Insisting she explain her past behaviours isn’t the appropriate response, she’s done those things and might have a different mind about the threesome stuff nowadays.

She might be on board with you that those activities are degenerate and unhealthy, but her reaction during the convo has lead you to think differently.

My advice is you need to know her much better, not necessarily her past, but rather her values right now. Share an article with her, ask for her opinion about people in open relationships. Say “hey babes, have you heard of this polygamous thing people are doing. . .how about that. Ain’t that something?”

Get to know her. Hank Hill needs a Peggy, not some swinger, group sex demoness who doesn’t understand her own man’s values.

So be cool, casually get into a couple of conversations about relationships and dating. Start those talks not to change her, but to know what she’s all about.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DragonFox91
Upvote 0

Sophrosyne

Let Your Light Shine.. Matt 5:16
Jun 21, 2007
163,213
64,206
In God's Amazing Grace
✟895,522.00
Faith
Christian
I think there are two issues here:
1)If you repent and believe you are forgiven do you have to spend the rest of your life acting as if you never repented or were forgiven when the sin(s) are remembered?
2)We all sin, and the younger and less mature we are in life the more likely we make more foolish decisions in life

with all that in mind you need to judge people based upon where they are in life, their maturity in the way they handle things and treat people not the way that they did at one time in the past. That doesn't mean we shouldn't be wary of people with a past history of things as history can repeat itself. I would rather know instead of someone who has repented of a sin that was in the past that they grew up and overcame the desire to repeat such sins rather than are still afflicted with that desire and are sorry/repentant of such a sin when questioned about it.

In other words an overcomer is better than a struggler..... rehabilitated is better than still fighting an addiction.

If we make past sins that the Bible says we are forgiven of and God forgets as far as the east is from the west.
Those who continue to repent of sins that are forgiven are showing a lack of faith in God. Acknowledging you have sinned in the past instead of hiding it from someone that you are in a close relationship with is one thing but acting as if in self flagellation over the past to prove to someone how "good" you are doesn't impress God one bit.
Only faith impresses God, not works of repentance. The idea that one's continual act of "being sorry" adds to forgiveness is nonsensical in that Jesus didn't flail on the cross even an extra microsecond for everytime you remembered you sinned in the past.

People differ on how sins affects them and how they overcome it. Some people aren't proud of their sins, and would rather not discuss them and get all emotional about past mistakes while others think that reminding themselves about their past sins and telling people over and over and acting sorry over doing such things makes them better for it...... To each their own I say.
 
Upvote 0

Maria Billingsley

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Oct 7, 2018
9,578
7,775
63
Martinez
✟894,261.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?
Welcome to CF. Are you fornicating currently in your relationship? If you are then I can certainly see why she is confused about your concern. Sexual sin is the same no matter what the form.On the other hand if you are now both comitted Christians and are celibate then you are both exercising righteous behavior and placing God first in your lives. With this also comes forgiveness for one another.
Blessings
 
  • Informative
Reactions: Cormack
Upvote 0

Cormack

“I bet you're a real hulk on the internet...”
Apr 21, 2020
1,469
1,407
London
✟94,797.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Baptist
Marital Status
Single
Sexual sin is the same no matter what the form.

I suspect that rape, child grooming and farmyard animal romance are not the same as a grownup man and woman sleeping together, the form certainly matters. There is severity of sin.

On the other hand if you are now both comitted Christians and are celibate then you are both exercising righteous behavior and placing God first in your lives. With this also comes forgiveness for one another.

This is something that might help @Walk K. He shouldn’t want the whole forgiveness experience because she didn’t actually do anything wrong to him, she’s got a gross hyper sexual event in her past, wronging only herself and those people she did the dirty with.

She didn’t do anything to @Walk K. directly. Unless a man is angry for not being included in the threesome, there’s nothing she’s done that means asking him for forgivness.

I don’t apologise to native Americans, the Vietnamese or the descendants of black slaves, because I didn’t do anything to these guys.

Me apologising to these groups is no different than the idea that this young woman should apologise to every new man she dates. She shouldn’t.

The reality however is that @Walk K. has his own relationship standards, I’m of the opinion that he ought to enforce them.

She doesn’t have to apologise to him, that’s silly, but he’s the doorman to his own life and should disqualify this girl if she’s little miss threesome and proud of it.

Women might be annoyed by that and want to paint it as his problem, his unfair attitude, but it’s not, he’s right to eject a woman if she has a risky sex history and couldn’t care less.

The church need to really buckle down and empower their men.
 
  • Agree
Reactions: DragonFox91
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Maria Billingsley

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Oct 7, 2018
9,578
7,775
63
Martinez
✟894,261.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I suspect that rape, child grooming and farmyard animal romance are not the same as a grownup man and woman sleeping together, the form certainly matters. There is severity of sin.



This is something that might help @Walk K. He shouldn’t want the whole forgiveness experience because she didn’t actually do anything wrong to him, she’s got a gross hyper sexual event in her past, wronging only herself and those people she did the dirty with.

She didn’t do anything to @Walk K. directly. Unless a man is angry for not being included in the threesome, there’s nothing she’s done that means asking him for forgivness.

I don’t apologise to native Americans, the Vietnamese or the descendants of black slaves, because I didn’t do anything to these guys.

Me apologising to these groups is no different than the idea that this young woman should apologise to every new man she dates. She shouldn’t.

The reality however is that @Walk K. has his own relationship standards, I’m of the opinion that he ought to enforce them.

She doesn’t have to apologise to him, that’s silly, but he’s the doorman to his own life and should disqualify this girl if she’s little miss threesome and proud of it.

Women might be annoyed by that and want to paint it as his problem, his unfair attitude, but it’s not, he’s right to eject women if she has a risky sex history and couldn’t care less.

The church need to really buckle down and empower their men.
I'm using the Greek original word inappropriate contenteia which covers all sexual sin including sex out of wedlock.
upload_2022-5-2_12-5-9.png
 
  • Like
Reactions: DragonFox91
Upvote 0

RDKirk

Alien, Pilgrim, and Sojourner
Supporter
Mar 3, 2013
39,140
20,185
US
✟1,441,619.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?

The woman did not trespass against you, she trespassed against God. She does not owe you anything. She did not even owe you a confession. All that she owed, she owed to God.

You said you slept around "a lot." It's not better having had sex with several women in succession than having had sex with two women at once...in fact, I'd say it's worse because you're talking about having sinned on many occasions instead of just one.

Since she did confess to you, then ask her if she repents...and tell her that you repent. But to be honest, if you're still comparing her sin to yours, you have not actually repented. If you believe her sin was worse than yours, then you still believe there was some level of "goodness" to your sin.

Ultimately, if you can't get over it, then let her have freedom from your condemnation.
 
  • Like
Reactions: VMaeLove
Upvote 0

Cormack

“I bet you're a real hulk on the internet...”
Apr 21, 2020
1,469
1,407
London
✟94,797.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Baptist
Marital Status
Single
I'm using the Greek original word inappropriate contenteia which covers all sexual sin including sex out of wedlock.

Yes, and yet no amount of Greek makes child abuse and homosexual sex “the same” as two unwed people sleeping together. Lumping sexual sin altogether because you’ve got a Greek word doesn’t ring true.

The guy who’s having sex with an apricot is gleefully reading your messages, because he feels just like every other sexual sinner, but good sense dictates otherwise.

The more honest thing to write is that almost every user has excused the threesome GF on account of the TC having had sexual relations out of wedlock. Be those excuses an attempt at shaming the man for not forgiving, or by using Greek to equate group sex with his sexual history.

We could get down to brass tax and be honest. Ask users if they’d rather have a one night stand or be sexually assaulted by a gang of men, it’s all inappropriate contentia at the end of the day. . . :doh:

His concerns however are absolutely valid.
 
Upvote 0

Mink61

Active Member
Aug 27, 2019
182
117
66
Las Vegas
✟32,868.00
Country
United States
Faith
Catholic
Marital Status
Widowed
I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?
There's a reason why pride is the sin that all other sins stem from.

You say you "slept around alot". And while she had a 3-some, WHY is that somehow "worse" than what YOU did?

While YOU say, "having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate", SHE may believe, that you sleeping with ALL these different women was also "unnecessary and degenerate".

Seriously...and I mean this in the best "Christian way", get over yourself! You've got no business judging her...especially when you have your own transgressions to deal with.

I really don't get why some guys do this. Kind of like, "Yeah, *I* can screw as many women as I want, but God Forbid *they* screw* as many men as *they* want!" Again, it's all about (male) ego.

What happened to the freaking Golden Rule? Isn't that what Jesus professed?

Talk about hypocrisy!

ETA: Just wondering here...Are you upset because your girlfriend had a 3-some and you didn't?
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

GoldenKingGaze

Prevent Slavery, support the persecuted.
Mar 12, 2007
4,200
518
Visit site
✟249,501.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Single
Politics
AU-Labor
You could say that your sins and hers are much the same, or that you would look only for people just like yourself, for one to marry.

But group sex does mean she was covered more intensely than by one other alone and this spoils the first and foremost love honours. Absalom committed adultery on the roof before the city with his father's wives, After Absalom did this and was later killed, David never slept with them again.

So at least agree with her not to tell people about this.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Blade

Veteran
Supporter
Dec 29, 2002
8,165
3,989
USA
✟629,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
For me does she believe in Jesus Christ? If not then theres a red flag for me. We ALL have a past. We just think ..ah I just thought about all that stuff but to GOD He looks at it as if we did do it. And were not about to go sharing all those thoughts are we :)

So let Him have the past and we forget those things that are behind. You take this to the public you will get many answers. My wife has a past. I NEVER touched it. Its worse then what the op shared. And sill together PRAISE GOD All glory and praise to Him since HE is the reason.. over 38 years now. :) Wow what would have happened if I walked away or she did?
 
Upvote 0

public hermit

social troglodyte
Supporter
Aug 20, 2019
10,972
12,055
East Coast
✟830,837.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
I’m in a serious relationship, and the topic of my girlfriend’s past has really been bothering me lately. She says her faith is very important to her, and has been since she was in high school. She mentioned that she had a threesome in college (2 girls - 1 guy) and didn’t seem repentant or regretful at all (although I didn’t ask her directly if she regretted it). She also was a bit confused as to why I was bothered by this. I certainly have a sexual past that I’m not proud of (I slept around a lot, but never participated in group sex), but much of it was during an agnostic period of my life. I’ve been really disgusted for the past couple months and can’t stop thinking about it. I can certainly understand a Christian having sex before marriage, as we are all humans with human desires. But having a threesome seems completely unnecessary and degenerate, especially given that she was a Christian when this happened.

Is this a red flag or am I over reacting? I love her, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship due to this. The mental movies are becoming too much to bear, and I have serious concerns that our values are not aligned. What would you’ll advise I do?

If you can't extend grace to her over her past and not let this hang over her head, you should break it off. She deserves as much grace as you. I understand if you can't let this go. Either be gracious in the relationship, or be gracious enough to break it off so that you don't resent her.
 
Upvote 0

Presbyterian Continuist

Senior Veteran
Supporter
Mar 28, 2005
21,810
10,792
76
Christchurch New Zealand
Visit site
✟827,333.00
Country
New Zealand
Faith
Charismatic
Marital Status
Married
The underlying problem in all this is a faulty perception of what Jesus actually did on the Cross when He suffered and died. He took the guilt and punishment for past, present, and future sin upon Himself, and gave those who turned to Him as Saviour, His own pure righteousness as a covering garment so that as far as God is concerned, the sin is so completely covered that for Him it is as if it never existed. The condition is, of course, that we confess our sin - in other words, declare it to Him and receive mercy and cleansing from all unrighteousness. When that happens, we don't have to mention our past sins to anyone.

The problem with those having a faulty perception of the Cross, they feel they have to confess their secret sins to others, especially when getting into a relationship. They want to be honest about their past, especially when sexual sins are involved. If they are Christian believers, the problem is that they are raking up stuff that God has erased and forgotten about. This obsession to confess the past causes distress and harm in relationships, and often causes relationships to break up unnecessarily.

And there are people who enjoy hearing about a person's chequered past because they get a type of sexual gratification from it. Hearing a description of what might have happened, causes stimulating mental images in those who love to hear about the indiscretions of others. This is the reason why we confess our sin according to 1 John 1:9, get totally cleansed from all unrighteousness, and then forget it, never to mention it again. God buries our sins in the sea of His forgetfulness and puts up a sign, "No Fishing!"

My answer to the person who confessed to having a threesome, woulld have been, "Are you a Christian believer? If so, have you confessed it to God? If so, why are you telling me about it then?"

As for the member who asked whether the couple are fornicating, I wouldn't answer it, and I would say, "Mind your own business. I prefer not to listen to gossip about the personal lives of others."

So, my advice to te OP would be to encourage the partner in his relationship to confess the past sin to God, and then leave it in the past, never to be mentioned again. And, never, ever, discuss your own past sins with ANYONE, except God Himself who is able to not only forgive and cleanse, but totally forget that the sin ever was committed in the first place.
 
Upvote 0

ottawak

Well-Known Member
Aug 1, 2021
1,495
725
64
North Carolina
✟16,862.00
Country
United States
Faith
Episcopalian
Marital Status
Married
Yes, and yet no amount of Greek makes child abuse and homosexual sex “the same” as two unwed people sleeping together. Lumping sexual sin altogether because you’ve got a Greek word doesn’t ring true.

The guy who’s having sex with an apricot is gleefully reading your messages, because he feels just like every other sexual sinner, but good sense dictates otherwise.

The more honest thing to write is that almost every user has excused the threesome GF on account of the TC having had sexual relations out of wedlock. Be those excuses an attempt at shaming the man for not forgiving, or by using Greek to equate group sex with his sexual history.

We could get down to brass tax and be honest. Ask users if they’d rather have a one night stand or be sexually assaulted by a gang of men, it’s all inappropriate contentia at the end of the day. . . :doh:

His concerns however are absolutely valid.
Child abuse is not just a sexual sin. Likening it to consensual adult homosexuality is perverse.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums