Dealing with death.

[JulySheMustFly]

I know this is a morbid topic but the reality is I'm going to have to face this in the next two months with my children 6,4 & 3. How have you or would you deal with the loss of a family member to children that age? Is there any way to prepare myself for their needs? We are a very close family and mostly I'm concerned about our children worrying.

 

[beccasmommy]

Where I work I deal with kiddos that have lost someone close to them, your two youngest probably wont really understand what has happened but your oldest can understand that your special person is gone for a long time. Be prepared for them to either talk about it all the time or not at all, depending on who your special person is. blessings

 

[Just4Jesus]

I know this is a morbid topic but the reality is I'm going to have to face this in the next two months with my children 6,4 & 3. How have you or would you deal with the loss of a family member to children that age? Is there any way to prepare myself for their needs? We are a very close family and mostly I'm concerned about our children worrying.

Hey hon, this is a very hard subject to deal with. When my dad passed away last year, I did not handle it very well because for one, I was pregnant and two I stayed up over 30 hours with him just watching him die. I had seen death before but never someone so close. I had to tell my 4 year old that her grandpa had died, how would I do that? I let her know that he was sick and that he did pass on but that he was going to be with Jesus. She was sad but seemed to find comfort in this. There is no easy way, but with the assurance to a child that (you will see them again) it seems to make it better. So sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Hey hon, this is a very hard subject to deal with. When my dad passed away last year, I did not handle it very well because for one, I was pregnant and two I stayed up over 30 hours with him just watching him die. I had seen death before but never someone so close. I had to tell my 4 year old that her grandpa had died, how would I do that? I let her know that he was sick and that he did pass on but that he was going to be with Jesus. She was sad but seemed to find comfort in this. There is no easy way, but with the assurance to a child that (you will see them again) it seems to make it better. So sorry you are dealing with this.

Thank you.
I cannot use any version of "PopPop was sick." I have a special needs sister who is chronically ill making trips in and out of the hospital on almost a monthly basis. I fear that if I say anything about sickness they will think their aunt is going to die every time she goes to the hospital, which is a reality I dealt with my whole childhood but I don't want for them to have that worry in the back of their head all the time like I did. I suppose I want to protect them from that kind of burden. The positive is my 6 year old loves Jesus and has a concept of heaven and PopPop is a Christian.

 

[Christdefinesme]

I know this is a morbid topic but the reality is I'm going to have to face this in the next two months with my children 6,4 & 3. How have you or would you deal with the loss of a family member to children that age? Is there any way to prepare myself for their needs? We are a very close family and mostly I'm concerned about our children worrying.

I'm sorry, this is a hard one.

I think every parent knows their kids and what their kids can handle.
We have gone through this a lot in the last few years.
Number one importance: is that mom and dad have a strong bond, and are very attentive and loving to the kids and each other during the time of loss.
And, then, just answer all of the questions honestly, even if YOU don't have the answers (what I mean is, answering: I know, sweetie, I don't understand either, but what I DO know is (insert answer) ).
Your kids WILL have fear creep in, it's normal, and for a while you all may be dealing with having to talk over and over about loss, fear, death (the kids will def jump right into "what if mom or dad dies").
BUT, we DID NOT share a lot of details about the illnesses (grandpa had a traumatic stroke, then a few mos later, grandma was very ill for many months, we had a 9, 6, and 3 year old) we did not bring the kids to the hosp, we didn't share details, we just gave general answers, so the kids wouldn't go too far in the imagination. We also knew the trauma of the hosp situation would cause more fear.
We also tried to act as strong as possible with the kids, so they wouldn't be as anxious (mom and dad are okay so we're all okay). I cried sometimes and such, but then we held each other and talked about our sadness and fears. My kids have come through the many losses well, although we had the very tough times of anxieties, nightmares, and such, which are all normal ways kids work out their fears.
We just talked and talked, comforted, had the kids sleep in our room if they wanted (this went on for months and then dissipated), etc. To get them through the hard times.
Just pray about it, you will def know what is good/how much to talk about and share. You know your kids, which ones are anxious, etc, how they deal with stress and fear, so as long as your family bond is strong, and they know that you are "there", they will get through things just fine. And, they will find this a normal part of life (dealing with death). Just do your best to be present to them.
Mostly point them to the Lord, as you turn to the Lord.
I'm sorry I'm so "wordy". I hope you found something helpful in my rambling.
I'll be praying for you all.
Take care.

 

[CelticRose]

My youngest was about 10 when her grandfather died & that was an awful age as she was old enough to understand the permanency & have clear memories of him. I took all the kids to visit him just before he died & we talked about that was what would probably happen so it wasn't a shock when he died. I used the terms death, dead, dying because he wasn't sick &
I felt it was easier to deal with facts than vague generalities, which I personally find more frightening. Youngest asked to come to the funeral so that was fine & it wasn't a morbid occassion.

Then 2 years later my youngest brother (who was a low level pilot) died in a flying accident. That death was unexpected, my kids adored my brother, & the whole extended family flipped out. That was really hard on my kids.

If you are lucky enough to have time to prepare them I would consider that a blessing. I know it's hard if you too are grieving but my kids did better the calmer I was able to remain & knowing the worst.( my youngest goes out in empathy when I lose it & it ain't pretty ) Being so young they may not remember much. Blessings as you deal with this difficult issue.

 

[dawnsday]

this may sound sick - but i bought a goldfish, knowing it would die shortly. when it did i let her emotions become talking points.

so when we had a close friend die - she already "understood" death.

let them react however they want, as long as they react (though a younger one may not understand - hence my fish thing)

 

[heart of peace]

Well, developmentally speaking, using words like "passed on" or "went to sleep" are hard to understand and grasp at that age. Although it sounds harsh, it is best to speak in tangible terms "Grandpa died and He is in Heaven now".

I'm very sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I pray that you find the right words to use in explaining this to your children. Maybe you can speak to a grief counselor and seek their professional advice on how to handle such a delicate issue with children?

 

[TexasSky]

I am sorry to hear about the illness and impending loss.

Above all else, honesty. Make it easy for them to ask questions, and be ready to answer some tough ones.

I was very close to a lot of elderly people in my family and by the time I was 20 I had suffered the lost of 4 great grandparents I knew well, 4 grandparents I knew well, several great aunts and great uncles, and both of my own parents.

The "knowing something is making people sad," is much worse than, "this person had a specific illness, and the doctors cannot help them," is much, much easier to handle than, "not knowing." It allows you time to say goodbye and it allows you time to ask your questions.

With my children, I handled it gently, but honestly. "Hi, come sit with me. I need to tell you about something that may happen soon. I got a call from (fill in the blank), and they told me that your grandfather is very sick and the doctors don't think they can make him better. It isn't the kind of sick that Mommy has when she throws up, or that your sister has. Doctors can help Mommy and your sister. The doctors think that we all need to say goodbye to your grandfather and let him know how much we love him because they cannot make him better, and he is probably going to die. It makes me sad, and I know it probably makes you sad. I don't want it to scare you though. This is not an illness that you can catch or that you are likely to get, and death is not something that we have to be afraid of. It makes us all sad because we can't visit anymore until Jesus comes again, and that's okay. Grandfather will miss us too."

Do not tell them Jesus took him.
If you feel you have to go in that direction, tell him, "Jesus knows he is hurting and that the doctors cannot help him, and in heaven people don't get sick or hurt, so Jesus is letting him stay there, but we cannot visit there yet."

Ask them if they have questions.
Ask them if they want to do anything special, like make cards, call, visit, whatever.

Explain to them that they do not have to be afraid for you or for them or for others they love. Explain that this is something that is likely only going to happen to "PopPop". Explain, if you can, why he is different.

When my grandfather died of cancer, mother explained to me, "Years and years ago he used to work with some things that we now know causes cancer, but they didn't know that when he was young. You cannot catch cancer from someone else, but smoking will give you cancer, and some chemicals will, and he smoked and he used those chemicals, and now he is very sick."

 

[TexasSky]

Qft

Was TRYING to quote MsDahl

 

[3girls2dogs]

My mother got sick when I was 5 and died when I was 7. Be honest. I regret that they tried to hide a lot from me. I also never got to say goodbye because everyone thought they were protecting me. Let them say their goodbyes if they want to. Only if they want to. Don't force it.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Well my oldest knew something was up and it was unavoidable by dinner. I talked to her after dinner. She was upset. She wants to go with me to Florida when I go to see him but that isn't happening so she's made a whole list of things she wants to make, questions she wants me to ask and hugs she wants to send. I told her she could call him but she said she didn't want to make him sad by crying. My almost 3 year old came in during the converstion and just curled up on my lap so he knows something is going on but not really what. I haven't told my 4 year old yet. She just had a birthday and is still on a high from that. I'm not ready to make her sad because unlike my oldest my 4 year old internalizes everything and carries it for a while.