Dealing second handedly with harassment and verbal abuse.

[Christopher Smith]

Hey all, I'm having this absolutely baffling problem and I was hoping some of y'all could point me in the right direction. I have a friend. For the purposes of this post, we'll call her Clara. She is a very good friend of mine. One of my other "friends", a lost guy who I've been trying to love and reach out to (Me and Clara are Christians by the way), has been harassing her online and destroying her reputation. Clara and this guy (I'll call him Joey) are both 14. For a short while, they were dating (as kids of that age tend to do) but quickly broke up. It was a Trainwreck. Ever since then, he has absolutely hated her. There have been several instances of harassment but I'll just give you the most recent instance. Clara was hanging out with a friend (lost) and they were Snapchatting and whatnot. When Joey found out that they were hanging out, he snaps back "Oh my God I hate that [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" (excuse the language, his words, not mine). He then goes off on this rant about how and why he hates her knowing very well that Clara is there to hear. Clara is texting me this whole time because I've been kinda her go to guy when she's stressed or needs encouragement. I can't even remember what he said but it's all bullcrap and he keeps spreading rumors that are literally ruining her reputation. A few days before this, he found out my Snapchat password (long story) snuck into my account. Found inconclusive and incorrect evidence of some private stuff about me (just girl stuff nothing serious) and started a terrible rumor. I wouldn't mind that too much, but when I called him out on it, he blamed Clara for spreading the rumor (false) and tried to get me to hate her with him. I need to know how to handle this. Should I call him out? He doesn't know that I know about the most recent fiasco.

 

[Catherineanne]

Hey all, I'm having this absolutely baffling problem and I was hoping some of y'all could point me in the right direction. I have a friend. For the purposes of this post, we'll call her Clara. She is a very good friend of mine. One of my other "friends", a lost guy who I've been trying to love and reach out to (Me and Clara are Christians by the way), has been harassing her online and destroying her reputation. Clara and this guy (I'll call him Joey) are both 14. For a short while, they were dating (as kids of that age tend to do) but quickly broke up. It was a Trainwreck. Ever since then, he has absolutely hated her. There have been several instances of harassment but I'll just give you the most recent instance. Clara was hanging out with a friend (lost) and they were Snapchatting and whatnot. When Joey found out that they were hanging out, he snaps back "Oh my God I hate that [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" (excuse the language, his words, not mine). He then goes off on this rant about how and why he hates her knowing very well that Clara is there to hear. Clara is texting me this whole time because I've been kinda her go to guy when she's stressed or needs encouragement. I can't even remember what he said but it's all bullcrap and he keeps spreading rumors that are literally ruining her reputation. A few days before this, he found out my Snapchat password (long story) snuck into my account. Found inconclusive and incorrect evidence of some private stuff about me (just girl stuff nothing serious) and started a terrible rumor. I wouldn't mind that too much, but when I called him out on it, he blamed Clara for spreading the rumor (false) and tried to get me to hate her with him. I need to know how to handle this. Should I call him out? He doesn't know that I know about the most recent fiasco.

First of all, block this person. Block him on every single medium you can think of; all of them. It is time for you to stop loving this unpleasant person face to face; do it from a healthy distance from now on and don't give him any more chances to hurt either of you. Don't think that you have failed; he has chosen his own behaviour and he has to take the consequences of that. One consequence is that he can no longer contact either of you in any way at all.

If you see him, walk the other way. If a friend mentions his name say that you don't want to hear anything at all about him. Not a thing.

Second of all, keep a diary and write down every single incident, no matter how small you might think it is. Screenshot any nasty messages you still have from him and keep them.

Third, tell 'Clara' to do the same, and tell her also that her parents need to know what is happening. She is a minor, and the harassment is far beyond what a 14 year old should be expected to cope with. So her parents 100% need to know.

If she is not sure how to tell her parents then you go and help her do it; show them this thread if you have to. The behaviour you describe will only get worse; it is time to stop it completely. Hopefully Clara's parents will be able to deal with it appropriately, and this nasty young man can find another hobby to fill his empty life.

If you are still hesitating then consider this; harrassment is as damaging as physical abuse. Imagine this person hitting your friend, over and over again; it is time to stop allowing him any chance at all of doing that again. Tell her parents.

Here is an article about boundary violations; it may help.

Why Healthy Boundaries are Important in Relationships

 

[Christopher Smith]

First of all, block this person. Block him on every single medium you can think of; all of them. It is time for you to stop loving this unpleasant person face to face; do it from a healthy distance from now on and don't give him any more chances to hurt either of you. Don't think that you have failed; he has chosen his own behaviour and he has to take the consequences of that. One consequence is that he can no longer contact either of you in any way at all.

If you see him, walk the other way. If a friend mentions his name say that you don't want to hear anything at all about him. Not a thing.

Second of all, keep a diary and write down every single incident, no matter how small you might think it is. Screenshot any nasty messages you still have from him and keep them.

Third, tell 'Clara' to do the same, and tell her also that her parents need to know what is happening. She is a minor, and the harassment is far beyond what a 14 year old should be expected to cope with. So her parents 100% need to know.

If she is not sure how to tell her parents then you go and help her do it; show them this thread if you have to. The behaviour you describe will only get worse; it is time to stop it completely. Hopefully Clara's parents will be able to deal with it appropriately, and this nasty young man can find another hobby to fill his empty life.

If you are still hesitating then consider this; harrassment is as damaging as physical abuse. Imagine this person hitting your friend, over and over again; it is time to stop allowing him any chance at all of doing that again. Tell her parents.

Here is an article about boundary violations; it may help.

Why Healthy Boundaries are Important in Relationships

Is that really the way God would want me to handle it? There is a good person deep down in this kid. He has fewer real friends than Clara and she has very few real friends. I also see him daily and separating myself from him may damage him further. I just don't want to do anything rash.

 

[Catherineanne]

Is that really the way God would want me to handle it? There is a good person deep down in this kid. He has fewer real friends than Clara and she has very few real friends. I also see him daily and separating myself from him may damage him further. I just don't want to do anything rash.

Yes.

Absolutely.

There is a reason he has few friends. It isn't at all surprising.

Don't mess about with abuse; it will not get better but it could get very much worse. Abusive people do NOT have the right to mess with other people in the way you describe. There is a 'good person' deep inside every abuser, every criminal, every murderer. That does NOT mean they can get away with treating other people badly. The behaviour you accept is the behaviour you condone. It is well past time to draw a line.

You have asked for advice and I have given you the very best advice I can; block this person and tell the parents. Do it before this gets worse, and completely out of hand.

 

[Christopher Smith]

Yes.

Absolutely.

There is a reason he has few friends. It isn't at all surprising.

Don't mess about with abuse; it will not get better but it could get very much worse. Abusive people do NOT have the right to mess with other people in the way you describe. There is a 'good person' deep inside every abuser, every criminal, every murderer. That does NOT mean they can get away with treating other people badly. The behaviour you accept is the behaviour you condone. It is well past time to draw a line.

You have asked for advice and I have given you the very best advice I can; block this person and tell the parents. Do it before this gets worse, and completely out of hand.

Alright, thank you for your advice. Keep me in your prayers. Do I tell him I'm cutting ties or do i just cut them?

 

[Catherineanne]

Alright, thank you for your advice. Keep me in your prayers. Do I tell him I'm cutting ties or do i just cut them?

Just do it. Safe boundaries are what you do, not what you say.

Abusers have had their chance; time to draw a line. There is no problem with you continuing to love this person, but by his own choice it can now only be done from a safe distance.