Dealbreakers

[bp88]

Can something be a dealbreaker if it will nevr come up? I am divorced, with one daughter and two sons. I have a Christian girflfriend who I plan to marry early next year. However, we recently got into a discussion on abortion that bothers me. I am not opposed to abortion in cases where the health or life of the mother is at stake. (I don't want to argue with anyone on that issue, just stating my position.) However, I think abortion for convnience or simply birth control is selfish and ultimately a sin. My gf and I were discussing this and she disagrees. She states that a man has no right to an opinion on the topic unless it's his child. I asked if she would take my daughter to get an abortion behind my back and she said she would tell me but she would still take her.

This has me very troubled, but honestly, it will
never be an issue. She and I can't get pregnant together, so she would
never be going to get an abortion, and my daughter is virulently anti-aborting.

So my question is, can something that you would never have to face as a couple still be a bone of contention, or do I just have my nose out of joint for no reason?

Just to tak care of the obvious arguments: no matter what my daughter would choose, she is my daughter forever and would never, ever be shunned or disowned for any decision, and I would support her and take care of her no matter what she chose, before and after pregancy or abortion. I wouldn't pay for or take hr to an abortion, but I would be there for her afterward and pay for any counseling or let her move in if she needed to. His is not about compassion or lack thereof toward my daughter.

 

[Luther073082]

I know I wouldn't marry her. I wouldn't marry any woman that would run off and have my child summarily executed simpily for the crime of being conceived.

I also wouldn't marry a woman who thinks men don't deserve a right to have an opinion on the topic. That is a sad tatic used to shut down debate. If that where truely the case then women shouldn't have an opinion on the use of the military since women are banned from combat oriented roles in the military.

I would avoid this marriage or you may end up with the pain of an child that was volunteerily executed by its mother. Your values on something very important do not mesh.

 

[citizenthom]

It's evidence of a bigger problem: that she thinks she can make family decisions without your having any say. It's not even that she doesn't think you will be the head of the household: she thinks there are areas where you have no say at all. That attitude from either spouse can quickly become fatal to a marriage. She may soften her attitude, but as long as she has that mindset she is not marriageable. You should make that clear to her and give her a chance to work on it.

 

[The Nihilist]

Don't let something dumb get in the way of something good.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Don't let something dumb get in the way of something good.

Exactly.

 

[Windmill]

Can something be a dealbreaker if it will nevr come up? I am divorced, with one daughter and two sons. I have a Christian girflfriend who I plan to marry early next year. However, we recently got into a discussion on abortion that bothers me. I am not opposed to abortion in cases where the health or life of the mother is at stake. (I don't want to argue with anyone on that issue, just stating my position.) However, I think abortion for convnience or simply birth control is selfish and ultimately a sin. My gf and I were discussing this and she disagrees. She states that a man has no right to an opinion on the topic unless it's his child. I asked if she would take my daughter to get an abortion behind my back and she said she would tell me but she would still take her.

This has me very troubled, but honestly, it will
never be an issue. She and I can't get pregnant together, so she would
never be going to get an abortion, and my daughter is virulently anti-aborting.

So my question is, can something that you would never have to face as a couple still be a bone of contention, or do I just have my nose out of joint for no reason?

Just to tak care of the obvious arguments: no matter what my daughter would choose, she is my daughter forever and would never, ever be shunned or disowned for any decision, and I would support her and take care of her no matter what she chose, before and after pregancy or abortion. I wouldn't pay for or take hr to an abortion, but I would be there for her afterward and pay for any counseling or let her move in if she needed to. His is not about compassion or lack thereof toward my daughter.

Its not relevant to you and as long as deal breakers relevant come up... then go for it, love is too wonderful to waste!

 

[bp88]

I know I wouldn't marry her. I wouldn't marry any woman that would run off and have my child summarily executed simpily for the crime of being conceived.

I also wouldn't marry a woman who thinks men don't deserve a right to have an opinion on the topic. That is a sad tatic used to shut down debate. If that where truely the case then women shouldn't have an opinion on the use of the military since women are banned from combat oriented roles in the military.

I would avoid this marriage or you may end up with the pain of an child that was volunteerily executed by its mother. Your values on something very important do not mesh.

Umm, as I said, she and I are unable to have children together, so that can't happen. Does it still matter? I don't know. I'm just troubled.

 

[K9_Trainer]

No, I don't think it matters.

She is entitled to that view, and you are entitled to disagree. It may be disturbing to you, but since its irrelevant, why let it ruin what is otherwise a good relationship? Its not like she can abort a child that you and her conceive together.

 

[DCHSKNIGHT]

Forget everyone who is telling you not to worry about it. IT is a BIG FLIPPING ISSUE.

Murder is murder is murder. No matter which way it happens. The child is innocent.

now that being said, in your stance if the baby threatens to kill my wife in childbirth and i can not have both... i would have a hard time choosing.. I pray God never has me in that position. I fear I would choose my wife. I don't have much rational but mainly over self want and desire of my wife. I don't know, I would have to do a poop ton of praying.

Second...

If I had children already and I was dating and my girlfriend told me what she told you. She would be dropped like a bad habit. That is what she is. NO WOMAN would dare touch my children in any way shape or form. My children would be of my own flesh and i would vehemently and violently protect them. They say you better watch out when you come between a mother bear and her cub... they better watch out when they mess with a Father bear and his cubs, because they have never seen terror like that before. Kind of like what happened in the movie "Taken" I would leave a string of dead bodies and destruction in the protection and pursuit of my Children.

Men have a say in the matter when Christ says to speak up for those who can not speak up for themselves. I would never stand by when evil happens near or in front of me when I can say something or stop it. What kind of man would you be?

Don't be a fool. Grow pair and be a man. Stand up for what is right even if that little Girl thinks your just a male pig or what ever. Murder is murder. You as a man and father are a protector and provider. do not use love as a cover for your own selfish desire to be married and let in poison to your home. Because that is what she will be. Find a woman that would honor God and you. No woman who feels that way Honors God.

 

[The Nihilist]

Forget everyone who is telling you not to worry about it. IT is a BIG FLIPPING ISSUE.

Murder is murder is murder. No matter which way it happens. The child is innocent.

now that being said, in your stance if the baby threatens to kill my wife in childbirth and i can not have both... i would have a hard time choosing.. I pray God never has me in that position. I fear I would choose my wife. I don't have much rational but mainly over self want and desire of my wife. I don't know, I would have to do a poop ton of praying.

Second...

If I had children already and I was dating and my girlfriend told me what she told you. She would be dropped like a bad habit. That is what she is. NO WOMAN would dare touch my children in any way shape or form. My children would be of my own flesh and i would vehemently and violently protect them. They say you better watch out when you come between a mother bear and her cub... they better watch out when they mess with a Father bear and his cubs, because they have never seen terror like that before. Kind of like what happened in the movie "Taken" I would leave a string of dead bodies and destruction in the protection and pursuit of my Children.

Men have a say in the matter when Christ says to speak up for those who can not speak up for themselves. I would never stand by when evil happens near or in front of me when I can say something or stop it. What kind of man would you be?

Don't be a fool. Grow pair and be a man. Stand up for what is right even if that little Girl thinks your just a male pig or what ever. Murder is murder. You as a man and father are a protector and provider. do not use love as a cover for your own selfish desire to be married and let in poison to your home. Because that is what she will be. Find a woman that would honor God and you. No woman who feels that way Honors God.

Wow, is it just me, or did it suddenly get Eric Robert Rudolphy in here? Calm down. The issue is not abortion; no one is going to abort anyone. As has been said several times, they can't have kids for whatever reason, so it's a moot point. The issue is that they disagree on the issue of abortion. So, you know, take a chill pill.

 

[DCHSKNIGHT]

Wow, is it just me, or did it suddenly get Eric Robert Rudolphy in here? Calm down. The issue is not abortion; no one is going to abort anyone. As has been said several times, they can't have kids for whatever reason, so it's a moot point. The issue is that they disagree on the issue of abortion. So, you know, take a chill pill.

Eric Robert Rudolphy<--- who is this?


And... no I will not clam down. The man asked if it would be deal breaker in our opinions... In mine.. .that would break the deal... That is what i expressed.. i also expressed an opinion when he asked her if she would take his daughter for an abortion and she said should tell him but she would take her... HECK NO.. that girl would be out of my house and life.

 

[Windmill]

Well clearly bp88, if you feel as strongly about abortion as DCHSKNIGHT does, then you dont marry her. If you feel less strongly about it as others do, you marry her. If it makes you sick to look at her, don't marry her. If you see love when you look at her, marry her.

 

[citizenthom]

Umm, as I said, she and I are unable to have children together, so that can't happen. Does it still matter? I don't know. I'm just troubled.

I'll emphasize again that the issue is not just the abortion-specific things she said. Many people have differing political views on that issue. It's her attitude that she has a unilateral choice in family matters that will be destructive to your relationship.

Let's look at another situation. Let's say that you want your daughter to finish high school, but your wife wants her to drop out and start working at Hooter's, because "no man should be able to keep a woman from getting a job." Would it be OK for your wife, over your objection, to withdraw her from school and help her with her Hooter's application? No: it's a parenting decision that should be made together.

Or, let's use a more mundane example: say your daughter is 3 and your wife wants to get her ears pierced. You object. Should your wife be able to take her to the mall and get it done anyway, because "no man should be able to keep a woman from wearing jewelry?" Of course not.

And since you're not going to be having children, let's use a different example. Let's say your wife wants a Camaro. You have enough money to make the down payments, but you think the two of you should use it to pay off your student loans instead. Should your wife be able to go get a Camaro anyway because "no man should be able to keep a woman from driving a Camaro?"

What about holidays? If your wife wants to spend them all at her parents' house and never see yours, does she have the right to take the car away and force you to go because "no man should be able to keep a woman from doing what she wants on the holidays?"

What about the bedroom? Does your wife get sole dominion over sex, because despite what Paul says about pleasing each other, "no man should be able to have an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] unless a woman wants him to?"

This is a disastrous attitude she's expressing here. Never mind that it is on a discrete issue: one exception means there will be exceptions, many of which you cannot even imagine right now.

I stress, a unilateralist attitude in a marriage is not a small issue. It is at the center of many if not most divorces. It must be addressed before you should ever consider marrying this girl.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

The things you disagree about can't and won't happen so they are only disagreements. My fiance and I disagree on a few issues, but I'm not going to leave him over it.

 

[donnyj87]

I don't agree that this is a dealbreaker, especially if it will never really come up.

If you like her enough to consider her for marriage, then I don't think small differences on beliefs such as this should be what make you separate, especially if it is not even a possibility...

As to the whole right/wrong of abortion, I do not believe that this is the topic for that people.... Let's just try to stay calm and give the man the advice which he seeks.

I also don't think that it has anything to do with you having a 'say' in the family, because if she wants it one way, and you want it another, then there really is no middle ground on this where you can negotiate. Either you will have your way with her body, or she will have hers if the situation ultimately comes up.

But yes, if things like this are making you doubt your decision to marry this girl, perhaps it is not a good idea to get married, but that is just from my point of view...

 

[eatenbylocusts]

It can certainly be a deal breaker. What she has said doesn't sound like she has any clue about her role as a Christian wife. Maybe she needs to find a church that will teach her. She may or may not want to listen and it may take a long time for her to learn if she ever does.

Second, she likes to choose what commands are convienent to follow which basically sounds like she really isn't a Christian. You don't want this person being the example to your kids. If she is unreceptive or unwilling to be taught in these areas from a new church, seminar, books (Bible for one) then you should end it quickly and as nicely as possible.

 

[LovesToBless]

I agree that it would be a deal-breaker for me as well.

I'd suggest you have more talks to find out if this is really the only thing you disagree on. Perhaps there are other very serious and important to you issues that you will find out about if you haven't already.

I truly understand you wouldn't have any type of bad attitude to someone who's had an abortion...you just in no way want to support one happening. Everyone keeps bringing up about you and the lady not being able to have children, and you know your daughter wouldn't.

But...what if your gf helped someone else have an abortion...a friend, another relative, a stranger? What if she wants to support the right to choice cause financially? Or...what if you want to support the right to life cause financially? Is she going to be just fine with that, considering she doesn't think a man has a right to an opinion unless the baby is his own?

Right to life/Right to choice issues get into far more than abortion. People tend to have opinions about things like whether to "pull the plug" on someone dying from an accident or a disease as well. They also have opinions on what happens with the elderly. I'm not going to venture a guess at what those opinions are...some are pro certain things and anti other things. All those things could potentially impact your lives, even though you feel certain abortion never will.

I think anyone entering into marriage should be on the same page about very important life issues. This might not be important to others posting here, but it IS important to you, so that makes it important. Ultimately you need to decide the weight of it and if it is a deal-breaker to you personally.

 

[Gibsonian]

Great advice LovesToBless.

 

[Monaleezza]

If you wouldn't shun your daughter for doing it, why would you shun your wife for the same thing?