Daughter rejected our dating values and our relationship is now strained

[Stressedmamajay]

Hi all, happy to have found an online space for Christian parents, who can hopefully offer some advice.

I’m mom to three kids. My oldest two girls are happily married. It’s my youngest I’ve been heartsick over for a year or so now.

We raised our girls in a church community that emphasizes the importance of purity before marriage. One aspect of this is courting - essentially, when a young man is interested in a young lady, he’ll come to dad to discuss it. From there, they get to know each other with their families and in groups of other couples, all with the ultimate goal of marriage in mind. That’s not to say every couple will end up married, just that casual dating and hookup culture isn’t something we find acceptable.

My older two girls were very happy with this - they lived at home during college and as they began their careers, and moved out once married after courting their husbands. One was a young man we’ve known since childhood, one was a young man she met in a Christian college group.

Our youngest is now almost 20. Just over a year ago, she was in freshman year living at home. She came home one evening and said she was going out. I asked questions and it turned out she was going for food with a young man she met in class at school. She was meeting him there. I said absolutely not, we argued and she left. She didn’t come back until the next day, and we were obviously worried sick and upset. We told her that and she proceeded to begin to pack her things, tell us a girl she’s met in college had posted a small bedroom in a shared apartment for $300/month and left. She’s been gone since, and according to my other daughter who has her on social media, she’s fully embraced drinking and partying with her roommates and other new friends. She’s been dating another young man (not the one who she went to see that night) for 6 months, and there’s social media photos and captions where they’re obviously sitting in bed together.

Our relationship has been strained as well. She doesn’t call to chat much, and when she does, she’ll rush off the phone at any expression of any disapproval. She doesn’t come to church anymore. The few holidays or dinners she’s brought her boyfriend to, she’s stuck to his side like glue, and flat out said “no, he’s fine” when my husband proposed him and her boyfriend chat man to man in the living room.

I’m at a loss of how to rebuild from here. She seems to have rejected our upbringing and values and is resistant to any discussion of it. Were our standards so unreasonable and awful that moving out literally overnight, when she’d never expressed any unhappiness before, was the solution? Hoping for some wisdom from other parents of young adults.

 

[miamited]

Hi mamajay,

If you raised your daughters with godly values, by 20, you need to let them go and hope that they follow those values.

Personally, I disagree that a child coming home from class and saying they were going out to have a bite with a fellow classmate, is a bad behavior that would need my approval. As I say, by 20, you either taught your children proper godly values and instilled them in their hearts...or you didn't. Giving approval of everyone they go out with, at the age of 20, isn't going to help that effort.

So, I agree with the daughter on the principle of the matter. Did you leave her any option besides getting your approval to go out with the classmate? If not, then her behavior is reasonably predictable. At 16, it's ok for parents to be concerned with who their children go out with, to the point of meeting them first. At 20, going to college, not so much.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

 

[Larniavc]

Hi all, happy to have found an online space for Christian parents, who can hopefully offer some advice.

I’m mom to three kids. My oldest two girls are happily married. It’s my youngest I’ve been heartsick over for a year or so now.

We raised our girls in a church community that emphasizes the importance of purity before marriage. One aspect of this is courting - essentially, when a young man is interested in a young lady, he’ll come to dad to discuss it. From there, they get to know each other with their families and in groups of other couples, all with the ultimate goal of marriage in mind. That’s not to say every couple will end up married, just that casual dating and hookup culture isn’t something we find acceptable.

My older two girls were very happy with this - they lived at home during college and as they began their careers, and moved out once married after courting their husbands. One was a young man we’ve known since childhood, one was a young man she met in a Christian college group.

Our youngest is now almost 20. Just over a year ago, she was in freshman year living at home. She came home one evening and said she was going out. I asked questions and it turned out she was going for food with a young man she met in class at school. She was meeting him there. I said absolutely not, we argued and she left. She didn’t come back until the next day, and we were obviously worried sick and upset. We told her that and she proceeded to begin to pack her things, tell us a girl she’s met in college had posted a small bedroom in a shared apartment for $300/month and left. She’s been gone since, and according to my other daughter who has her on social media, she’s fully embraced drinking and partying with her roommates and other new friends. She’s been dating another young man (not the one who she went to see that night) for 6 months, and there’s social media photos and captions where they’re obviously sitting in bed together.

Our relationship has been strained as well. She doesn’t call to chat much, and when she does, she’ll rush off the phone at any expression of any disapproval. She doesn’t come to church anymore. The few holidays or dinners she’s brought her boyfriend to, she’s stuck to his side like glue, and flat out said “no, he’s fine” when my husband proposed him and her boyfriend chat man to man in the living room.

I’m at a loss of how to rebuild from here. She seems to have rejected our upbringing and values and is resistant to any discussion of it. Were our standards so unreasonable and awful that moving out literally overnight, when she’d never expressed any unhappiness before, was the solution? Hoping for some wisdom from other parents of young adults.

Want the view of a non Christian (who’s also a psychotherapist)?

Great. Tell her you love her and will always be there for her. You may not approve of her life style but in the wider world the behaviour you describe is perfectly normal.

Unless you want to risk driving her away. Kids find their own way in life: as parents we can be there to pick up the pieces but if we try to control their lives we risk losing them for ever.

 

[Paidiske]

At 20, I'd say preventing her from going out to share a meal with someone is a restriction I wouldn't have accepted, either. That's a pretty innocent and harmless thing to want to do.

She's left so that she can live her own, adult, life making her own decisions, and it sounds as if she's defensive with you because she knows you aren't accepting of that. She has pretty solid boundaries.

To rebuild, I think you need to demonstrate your love for her. Not conditional love, or love which tries to address what you disapprove of (as if you have any right to make choices for her any more), but love that says you accept her and care for her, no matter what.

 

[miamited]

Hi again mamajay,

As to your last two paragraphs...you do understand that the train has left the station, right? Your trying to teach her now to follow her upbringing isn't going to change what's been done as regards any sexual relations. So, now it's time to tell her that you love her and that you're sorry that you created this discomfort between the two of you and that you want to share her life. That you love her and that you support her. As larnievc has said, if you continue on this path of trying to punish her and correct her, you're more likely to lose her for at least quite a while.

A young man or a young woman at 20 years of age, has pretty much already established a path that they are going to follow. Just imagine how much different things might be today, if when she came to you that night and said she was going out with a friend, you would've responded, "Ok honey. Does he seem like a nice young man? Be careful and call if you need anything. Have fun. What time do you think you might be home?" Trusting that you taught her the right values and she's now going to start going out and making her way in the world and hopefully, while establishing friendships of both sexes, will strive to remain pure.

Part of what you've seen in the pics of her in bed with someone may well be her way of telling you that you can't run her life under your thumb any longer. By showing such disgust and contempt for her just going out with a classmate that you hadn't personally met, that may have likely pushed her into early sexual behavior.

My sister got married immediately out of high school. But, my father was very controlling of her and sometimes used fairly strong forms of 'discipline' with her. She's confided in me at least a couple of times in conversation since, that the reason she married so early was to get out from under my father's strict discipline. It would be sad if the situation that your daughter now finds herself in, is because she felt she had to rebel against your similar overly strict discipline.

If you want my advice. It's your place to apologize and work to build a bridge of communication by not haranguing her about her choices, but find ways to be approving and supportive. Like I say, the damage of early sexual relations has likely already been done. It's your choice whether you're going to cross your arms and frown down in disgust at her, or accept that what's done is done, but you aren't going to give up a relationship with your own daughter.

I believe that with every job of parenting, there comes an age at which we have to trust that we've done the best that we knew to do in raising them and then letting them spread their wings and make their way into the world.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

 

[pdudgeon]

At this point, "the barn door is open, and the mare has left the barn" so to speak.

So now is the time you pray, and wait until they come back asking for your opinion.

At this point, she makes her own decisions, but she also has to live with them. And it's the "living with them" that might be tough for both of you.

So long as you let her know that you are available to listen to her, there's a chance that she might come back. But hold your peace until she asks for your opinion.
If you learn to hold your peace, she just might listen back.

 

[Not David]

As someone from the same age as your daughter, I think you can just pray for her and offer love. Probably someone from her age will have to show her that her activities hurt her mainly.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Hi all, happy to have found an online space for Christian parents, who can hopefully offer some advice.

I’m mom to three kids. My oldest two girls are happily married. It’s my youngest I’ve been heartsick over for a year or so now.

We raised our girls in a church community that emphasizes the importance of purity before marriage. One aspect of this is courting - essentially, when a young man is interested in a young lady, he’ll come to dad to discuss it. From there, they get to know each other with their families and in groups of other couples, all with the ultimate goal of marriage in mind. That’s not to say every couple will end up married, just that casual dating and hookup culture isn’t something we find acceptable.

My older two girls were very happy with this - they lived at home during college and as they began their careers, and moved out once married after courting their husbands. One was a young man we’ve known since childhood, one was a young man she met in a Christian college group.

Our youngest is now almost 20. Just over a year ago, she was in freshman year living at home. She came home one evening and said she was going out. I asked questions and it turned out she was going for food with a young man she met in class at school. She was meeting him there. I said absolutely not, we argued and she left. She didn’t come back until the next day, and we were obviously worried sick and upset. We told her that and she proceeded to begin to pack her things, tell us a girl she’s met in college had posted a small bedroom in a shared apartment for $300/month and left. She’s been gone since, and according to my other daughter who has her on social media, she’s fully embraced drinking and partying with her roommates and other new friends. She’s been dating another young man (not the one who she went to see that night) for 6 months, and there’s social media photos and captions where they’re obviously sitting in bed together.

Our relationship has been strained as well. She doesn’t call to chat much, and when she does, she’ll rush off the phone at any expression of any disapproval. She doesn’t come to church anymore. The few holidays or dinners she’s brought her boyfriend to, she’s stuck to his side like glue, and flat out said “no, he’s fine” when my husband proposed him and her boyfriend chat man to man in the living room.

I’m at a loss of how to rebuild from here. She seems to have rejected our upbringing and values and is resistant to any discussion of it. Were our standards so unreasonable and awful that moving out literally overnight, when she’d never expressed any unhappiness before, was the solution? Hoping for some wisdom from other parents of young adults.

Christian parents have a tough line to walk. Be too lax, and you risk giving your children the impression that sin is ok, or that purity doesn't matter. Be too strict, and you risk squeezing them so tight, they rebel, and bolt. Try to find a middle ground, and they can still turn out not as one had hoped. It's tough.

She's 20. I get that you want what's best for her, but she is definitely an adult now. And she has to make her own choices, even if they're crummy, wayward ones. You can not will your daughter to put into practice what you've taught her, care, or have faith. But you can pray for her, and keep conversations neutral, avoiding praising sin while avoiding harping. She knows you disapprove.

This must be very hard for you, but the best thing you can do is hand her over to the Lord, pray, be patient, and keep loving her.

 

[miamited]

Hi again mamajay,

I was rereading your post and another thought struck me as to 'how' you may have gotten yourself in this dilemma. You wrote:

Were our standards so unreasonable and awful that moving out literally overnight, when she’d never expressed any unhappiness before, was the solution?

I would say that your standards were not 'so' unreasonable, but you apparently didn't instill them in your child. If she knew that she would need your approval to go have a bite with this classmate...why didn't she ask? My guess. She didn't know. You just hoped that she would and when the situation came up, you made it a big deal. She may have known that you'd want to meet any young man that she was considering dating or marrying, of course. But did you really ever instill in your daughter that she would need your approval to go out with anyone of the opposite sex even to just have a bit or go to a movie or just spend some 'friend' time with?

Your daughter likely didn't see this meeting a school mate for a bite, in the same way that you apparently have. "Oh, she's considering marrying this boy and I need to know who he is!!!!" Then, after blowing your top about it, do you have any idea how embarrassing it was going to be for her, a 19 year old girl going to college, to call her friend and tell him that her mother wouldn't let her go? Did she even have a phone number to contact the young man. How do you think she would feel if she promised to meet someone for a bite and had no idea that her mother was going to flip out because she hadn't met the boy, and was now faced with the position of either standing him up, or going to meet him as agreed because she didn't have anyway to contact him. It's possible that this discussion of, "Hey, do you want to grab a bite?", didn't include the trading of phone numbers beforehand. So, here she is standing in the living room with a mother going berserk because she hasn't met this young man that she's just intending to go share an innocent meal with, and if she obeys here mother's desires, then the boys going to be out there stood up and wondering what's going on. Your daughter likely felt like a 10 year old at that moment.

The Scriptures tell us that parents should not exasperate their children. Such behavior, as I've read in your OP, I would consider exasperating. If you had made clear in the 19 years of upbringing that your daughter would in no way be allowed to go out with someone on an innocent meeting, without your approval even when they were in college, then I find it hard to understand why she didn't practice that in this situation. My guess, as I've written, is that such a 'rule' wasn't clear to her and now you're going to embarrass her in front of a classmate. I'd probably have left, too. Whether I moved out or not would have depended on how you handled it when I got back. I'm guessing from the tone of your post that you likely didn't handle that meeting well either.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

 

[Paidiske]

My guess is that the daughter knew, knew that approval wouldn't be forthcoming, so it would be a waste of time to ask.

 

[blackribbon]

Your job as a parent is done. She is an adult and gets to make her own decisions, good or bad. My advice would be different if she was still relying on your financial support. Now is the hardestnpart of parenting. Letting go and giving her back to God. Your job now is to demonstrate your beliefs and I hope that includes unconditional love that God gives us. Reach out to her. Dont judge her or tell her how to live her life unless she asks for your advice. Give her time to learn that you can be trusted with her thoughts (and look back to see why she didnt trust you during the time she left). And pray....pray the God will continue to reach out to her and that she will return to the teachings of her chikdhood. Also pray that God willnguide you on how to be the mother she needs at this age and time of her life. This may include loving her while she does things you dont approve of. Loving her unconditionally while she lives a life you dont approve of is not the same as showing approval. Jesus loves us while we are still sinners...and in the fullnest of our sins. The progical son`s father planned a party for him bwcause he simply came home...at that time the son had not apologized or even repented...he just recognized that home was safe even if he were to live as a servant, as he expected.

How you treat her now will play a big part in how much you see her as an adult. Fair or not, that is reality. Love her with Jesus` love.

 

[archarios]

I’m at a loss of how to rebuild from here. She seems to have rejected our upbringing and values and is resistant to any discussion of it. Were our standards so unreasonable and awful that moving out literally overnight, when she’d never expressed any unhappiness before, was the solution?

My 2¢: She doesn't want to live like a Christian because shes not one. If she wants to rebel, fornicate, refuse church, and live like a worldling then it might not just be temporary backsliding. It might be that she's not saved yet.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you've said about your expectations. I think its alarming that other people here are telling you that fornication is ok because it's current year. But thats a separate issue. The unsaved approve of sin, especially theirs.

Ain't nothin you can do about this though... Besides praying like others have said. Your upbringing worked with two kids and the third bailed out. A tale as old as time. One twin became a murderer, the other a preacher.

 

[Greengardener]

I've known people in the same situation and it seems to drive them to a place of prayer. Let it build in you a confidence in the Lord. He sought after His chosen nation through horrendous behaviors. You don't have to change your stance or change who you are or what you were intending by encouraging purity in your children to continue to love them and pray for them. I agree that at this point, it's free-will time, and that's God-given. With that being the case, you'll likely learn to pray more than you ever have. Thank you for sharing this painful spot. I've known several parents who thought things were fine, there was open communication and then wham, they found themselves where you find yourself now. Don't overthink the past, but do think how you want to communicate with your youngest daughter, your precious baby now grown up, to best facilitate that she can make effective decisions from her heart. First step in my book would be affirming her adulthood, whether you like this or not. And maybe check out you tube for "motivational interviewing" as a technique - notice how effective it is to help another person with decisions by asking questions and affirming their ability to act on their own behalf. You might find it a helpful technique, and the voice your daughter hears in conversations will be her own, and therefore harder to resist. I came across it several years back in a work setting, and when I saw it, I realized some of my most helpful friends already knew it as a technique and had helped me figure things out by asking questions, reflecting, and exploring. Just thoughts. Praying for you.

 

[Pastorskid808]

Aloha Mamajay,

I grew up a pastors kid my whole life. Sometimes when kids grow up in the faith they can develop the perception that they have a high standard to live up to and sort of be perfect in a sense under their parents eyes. It doesn't matter if the reality was that perfection was a standard or not. What matters is the PERCEPTION from your daughters point of view. That may or may not be the case here.

If I were you I'd approach her gently together with your husband but your husband taking the lead on this. I'm not sure what the dynamics are between your husband and your daughter but often when the Father takes the first step towards reconciling the relationship he carries tremendous authority as he is the head of the household. I'd start by apologizing, "hey hun I just wanted to say sorry. I'm not sure exactly where I may have hurt you but I can see that our relationship isn't as close lately as it has been with you growing up. I'm really sorry for the ways we've hurt you (apologize sincerely and specifically if there are any obvious wounds that need to be patched up) and hope that you can forgive us. I just wanted to give you the opportunity to express your feelings and give us feedback as your parents." (start with this and see how it ties into present day)

I'd start with that above. Apologies and your openness to feedback may break down the walls between you. Swallowing your pride and being open to being vulnerable to just hear your daughter express herself may be hard but is necessary especially if there isn't a culture in your family for apologizing and talking things like this out. If your daughter isn't open to a face to face conversation or if you're not able to get one, I'd text your own version of the aforementioned apology. If that doesn't work, call and leave voicemails and or write emails. Find whatever communication method you can to get in touch.

There was a 2 week period where I was so upset with my parents I didn't want anything to do with them. I was upset at both parents but mom primarily. My dad kept chasing me by trying to get in touch. I felt convicted by God to make things right on my end and I finally called my dad and ended up patching things up with both parents. But the whole time I felt God's love through my dad as he was chasing after me and expressing his love the entire time. My parents were praying non stop also and I know that made a difference to soften my heart.

But often times the issue at hand is much deeper than we may think. We as parents say the behavior (going outside the boundaries of dating in this case) is wrong but we often don't take the time to trace things back to the root cause. Trace the fruit to the root! Ask yourself, is my daughters' current behavior connected to any childhood hurts?

Keep praying and reaching out. Maybe even tell your other daughters how much you love and miss her and how sorry you are and that you just want to talk. Her siblings can be a bridge back to you folks as well.

Hope this helps. Praying for God to restore your family.

Mahalo,

Brandon Gross

 

[Anne Veronica]

Unfortunately, even children who are raised with high standards/expectations, shown GOOD examples, and surrounded only by people who live those examples find ways to rebel. I graduated HS in 1987. My and my sibling's parents were strict too, but ours were the strictest. For example, we had a rule in our house (so did my husband and I!) that there are no friends allowed in your bedroom. Just like my upbringing, our daughters were not allowed in their OWN bedroom unless they were sleeping, changing clothes, or getting something. Otherwise, it was locked. That was because there was nothing that they needed to do they could not do in the open. If you wanted time alone, you got that time when you were in the bathroom or shower. If you needed to step away from your siblings, there was a very pretty Serenity Garden my husband had set up in the yard. Indoors? We had a prayer room. As for friends in the bedroom, our thinking (and my parents' thinking) was this: do you see mom/dad have friends in the bedroom? No. That is your PRIVATE space, friends don't belong there. Now my friends' parents allowed us (girls only) to sit in the bedroom with the door shut and just hang out. We paged through fashion magazines, talked about boys, and things like that. NONE of us used drugs, alcohol, or were sexually active. The problem was the CONVERSATIONS we had. When we were out of earshot, I rebelled by sitting in on those conversations and soaking up information. I knew I should have said, "Penny. My mom told your parents that I am not allowed in your bedroom with the door shut (Penny's mom thought the rule was stupid). Denise: I am not allowed to look at magazines like that because they give information I am not allowed to have." (Please, I WANTED that information). Did I stand up to my friends? Of course not!

The point is, the BEST children on the planet are going to find a way to rebel. The idea is to make rebellion as difficult and unpleasant (and not worth it) as possible. While you want them to have a chance at "little" rebellions in order to prove themselves ready to do the right thing, you have to be careful not to go too far. Ex: leave your 12-, 11-, and 9-year-old daughters home alone for three hours and set a rule that no friend is allowed over unless it's an emergency, no one is allowed on the computer and so on. Then, "forget something" and double back. Are the girls doing what they're supposed to be doing? Is at least one of the girls willing to speak up and tell you that someone DID get on the computer after all? Did someone give you a head's up that NeighborGirl Dierdre popped over but you told her that she couldn't come in? Maybe you allow your HS child to take the City Bus home from school one day and make it clear that they are to stay on school property until its time to walk to the bus stop - no stopping by the carryout across the street. Perhaps they are supposed to sit in Teacher's classroom until then while he/she grades papers. Simply ask Teacher if your child did that and ask them to TELL you otherwise. (It's called e-mail). If you find they your children are not telling the truth, they are not READY for that freedom. Is it inherently evil to talk about boys and read fashion magazines or buy a pop at a convenience store? Not really, but if they were told NOT to, then they need to be mature enough to follow rules.

It's hard to parent adult children who are living at home, but ground rules need to be set: if it wasn't OK growing up, it's not OK now. As a matter of fact, it's LESS OK now because you KNOW better. Consequences for 'grown' children should be the same as for HS children. Take your car where you shouldn't? Someone needs a clutch on their car then. Refuse to give passwords to computer things? You lose the computer. It may be 'yours' but it's on MY property. You can't change the fact that she had that much $ at her disposal in order TO move out so quickly, and you can't stop what she's doing NOW, but you CAN make it inconvenient.

Does she have a car/license? Do you think she's drinking and driving? Call the police then! Do you know where she lives? Ask friends/family/church members drop by unannounced. Have them talk to her/the guy about their behavior. You can't stop them but you can make it mighty uncomfortable. A friend's son moved out at 18 - he'd been a good kid, responsible, and he'd saved the money. Him and his roommates began smoking weed on a regular basis. Since they were relatively quiet, kept it in the apartment, and didn't draw attention to themselves, they really didn't get caught. However, when enough friends/family dropped by and alerted the police that these people had regular weed-smoking going on and complained about the smell, the police DID come check them out. Yep, they were eventually searched and arrested. (This only works in small areas with low crime rates like the one I grew up in). That scared my friend straight and he moved home.

Will this work in your daughter's case? I have no idea. But you are in my prayers. She DOES know better and I've noticed that children who were taught better tend to get hit harder with reality than children who grew up around certain things. The kid who was taught how NOT to shoplift/had good examples is WAY more likely to get caught/harsher consequences than the kid whose parents TAUGHT them to shoplift. I don't think this rebellion on her part will last long and i don't think she'll 'get away with it' for very long either.