Dating with Different Denominations

[Lindz54GD]

I asked this in a different thread, but someone suggested to ask it here also.

I know this is long, but I really need advice. I will try to explain the best I can. I apologize if there is any confusion.

My boyfriend and I are 22 years old and have been together for almost 2 years. He and his family are very strong Lutherans and I grew up in a relaxed Methodist environment (meaning when I was little, my mom and I went to church only on special occasions to Bible School and left before the sermon, but now, we go every Sunday to Bible School. My dad grew up not going to church.). His congregation is made up of a couple hundred people, whereas mine has 12 on a good day. I am used to a very small church, so the first coupe of times we attended his, it was quite a shock. We have been lucky enough to attend both church services because mine is from 8:45 - 10 and his is from 11 - 12 (we live an hour away, so it works perfectly).

We have talked about getting engaged and married later on in our relationship (after a few more years, we are very traditional, no sex, not living together, etc.) and the when the topic of what church we will attend comes up, he strongly suggests that I become Lutheran and take intro classes and things like that. When I casually suggest him becoming Methodist, he always says a very strong NO and doesn't explain why or let me explain my side.

I know that Lutherans come from the Catholic denomination and my boyfriend has explained to me the differences, but there are so many things that I do not agree with that I can't see myself converting to Lutheran (communion every other Sunday, infant baptism, etc.). I have looked into non-denominational churches in our area and am willing to attend them, but my boyfriend is very hesitant and feels like he is betraying his family.

I want us to be the same denomination and attend only one church together so when we decide to get married and start a family, we can be united in our faith together and our kids won't get dragged to 2 very different churches and possibly get confused. What should I do?

Thank you!!!

 

[Nik Onder]

I'm a little confused...many Methodists are increasingly serving Communion as often as weekly and as far as I know all baptize infants, so I'm not really understanding why that's a problem. If he's ELCA, as far as I know they have more in common than not with Methodists, so I wouldn't think it would be that big of a change for him especially considering the amount of diversity you can find between Methodist churches (from high to low).

Perhaps this can be an opportunity for a learning experience. I grew up Catholic and always assumed all protestants were snake-handlers. My wife grew up United Methodist and while neither of us have been active church goers for many years, we had a conversation a while ago about starting to take our young son to church which lead to me researching and learning about the Methodist church on my own. I ended up finding the denomination that made the most sense to me, pretty much on accident. Perhaps this can be an opportunity for something similar for either of you.

 

[Lindz54GD]

I'm a little confused...many Methodists are increasingly serving Communion as often as weekly and as far as I know all baptize infants, so I'm not really understanding why that's a problem. If he's ELCA, as far as I know they have more in common than not with Methodists, so I wouldn't think it would be that big of a change for him especially considering the amount of diversity you can find between Methodist churches (from high to low).

Perhaps this can be an opportunity for a learning experience. I grew up Catholic and always assumed all protestants were snake-handlers. My wife grew up United Methodist and while neither of us have been active church goers for many years, we had a conversation a while ago about starting to take our young son to church which lead to me researching and learning about the Methodist church on my own. I ended up finding the denomination that made the most sense to me, pretty much on accident. Perhaps this can be an opportunity for something similar for either of you.

My church only does communion 4 times a year, that way it is more meaningful than routine. Growing up, and still today, we do not practice infant baptism and do not understand why babies need to be baptized.

I don't know what ELCA means, but we have the basic beliefs in common, but there are certain major practices that we do not agree on. I also think that maybe his family has pressured him to stay Lutheran. I don't mean to bash his family (they are very sweet people), but I feel like that is an underlying reason he wants to stay Lutheran (And that it's all he knows. He even went to a Lutheran school growing up.).

 

[circuitrider]

My church only does communion 4 times a year, that way it is more meaningful than routine. Growing up, and still today, we do not practice infant baptism and do not understand why babies need to be baptized.

I hate to tell you this but as a UMC pastor I can tell you that United Methodists baptize infants all the time. I can't imagine why your church doesn't. I baptize probably a dozen infants a year and maybe one or two adults a year. Most Methodists were baptized as infants.

Also most UMC churches have communion on average of once a month but the United Methodist Church is encouraging much greater frequency of communion. The church I pastor has communion twice a month in our largest service and every Sunday in our Sunday evening service.

The church you grew up in does not appear to be acting in a way that is actually Methodist. I'm not sure why.

As to why we baptize infants, we do so because of John Wesley's own teaching about God's prevenient grace. That is God loves us and cares about us from our birth and always wants a relationship with us. I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to baptize infants. It is a gift from God and a means of God's grace.

 

[Nik Onder]

The ELCA is the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, which is the largest Lutheran body in the country, so statistically the one your boyfriend most likely attends. The ELCA is actually in full communion with the UMC (United Methodist Church), which means on most practical levels, their beliefs and practices are the same, or at least similar, and clergy can serve and be Communion celebrants in either denomination. With a little research on his part, he might find there is really nothing to be afraid of in the Methodist tradition. As far as Lutherans coming from the Catholic tradition, I don't really understand what that means. Technically all protestant traditions did in some indirect way. Methodism, as a movement in the Anglican church, can be said to come from the Catholic tradition, too. I think this is really just semantics and not something I would worry too much about.

That being said, I think what may be a bigger issue for you is the fact that your expectations don't really seem to line up with what is considered traditionally Methodist, so I fear you would have trouble finding a church within the denomination that suits you, outside of the one you're attending. Even the most humble, "low-church" Methodist congregations I have seen still baptize infants and have communion monthly. Perhaps non-denominational or maybe even a Baptist church is more in line with what you're looking for? I would suggest Disciples of Christ, as well, as they believe in "believer's baptism" but they also tend to do weekly communion, too.

I am sympathetic to your plight, as I have been in a similar (albeit not nearly as severe) situation myself. Like I said before, it turned into a learning experience for me wherein I ended up finding out that I actually agreed with my wife's tradition more than what I had grown up with (and I also went to Catholic school until I was in high school). I think if you can approach the situation with an open mind, you might find yourself blessed in a way you may not have expected.

Lastly, this is not meant as a criticism by any means, but I would be hesitant to be too opinionated or strong-willed about the issue at your age. At 22, you both have many, many new life experiences and learning opportunities to come and by the time having children is a reality you may find you have completely different outlooks or opinions. At 33, I know I am absolutely not the same person I was at 22. Just food for thought. I wish you the best of outcomes, either way.

 

[Dave-W]

Lindz: What KIND of Methodist are you?

United Methodist?
Free Methodist?
Wesleyan Methodist?
African Methodist Episcopal?
Christian Methodist Episcopal?

 

[circuitrider]

Lindz: What KIND of Methodist are you?

United Methodist?
Free Methodist?
Wesleyan Methodist?
African Methodist Episcopal?
Christian Methodist Episcopal?

Good question!

 

[GraceSeeker]

And let's follow up with what kind of Lutheran is your boyfriend:
ELCA -- Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
LCMS -- Lutheran Church Missouri Synod
WELS -- Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod

There are others, but those are the three biggest ones.

 

[GraceSeeker]

Now, I have something to say that may come across as unkind. I apologize in advance that it may be taken that way, I assure you I don't mean it that way.

If these questions as to what type of Methodist or what type of Lutheran confuse you, then I want to suggest that your attachment to one or the other has little to do with Lutheranism or Methodism, and everything to do with a particular congregation more than anything else. I can understand why this would be true when one grows up in a particular location and has basically experienced a single congregation most of one's life. It would be very easy to think that our experience in a given Methodist or Lutheran congregation would be representative of all others. To some extent it is even true, but perhaps not as much as we tend to imagine.

I'm a United Methodist pastor and the son of a United Methodist pastor. I grew up and serve in the United Methodist Church, but I've served in dozens of them, not just one or two. I also happened to have spent 4 years serving in the Lutheran Church (ELCA) where I was on the synodical staff overseeing the youth ministry of 165 Lutheran congregations. From my experience I can tell you that while there are a few differences between Methodism and Lutheranism, the similarities far outweigh the differences.

Both Lutherans and Methodists are protestant denominations whose formal liturgies are adapted from the Catholic liturgy of prayers and sacrament. Yet in both cases it is common to find local congregations who ignore that pattern for a less formal liturgy that emphasizes preaching.

Both of us understand there to be two sacraments: holy communion and baptism.

We both understand that baptism is offered to people of all ages and the most frequent pattern is infant baptism and is a means of grace whereby the baptized individual is recognized as belonging to God's family. It is experienced once and there is no need to repeat it later in life just because a person cannot remember it. But a youth who was baptized as an infant not only can, but should confirm that baptism with his/her own profession of faith.

Holy Communion is called by many different names by both groups -- the Lord's Supper, the Eucharist -- but all these terms mean the same thing. It is both a memorial service and a reenactment of Christ's offering of himself. Neither denomination believes that the elements used in the sacrament are magically changed into anything other than bread and wine (or more likely grape juice for Methodists), but still understand that Jesus is somehow mystically present in the sacrament in very real ways that we cannot fully define. And we believe that you can never receive the Eucharist too often -- indeed, John Wesley, the forefather of all Methodist denominations was known to receive communion as often as 5 times a day -- but leave it to each local congregation to determine what works best for them as a personal matter.

Both denominations are even split over the major social issues of our country: homosexuality, abortion, just war theory, immigration, etc. Both have denomination-wide legislative bodies that attempt to address these concerns on behalf of the denomination at large, but realize that even as they do so that local congregations and membership may not be in total agreement with them.

This latitude for a local congregation, even an individual member, to find what practice works best for them is called a matter of conscience by Lutherans. Methodists call it pluralism, meaning that we accept many interpretations and practices under one large over-arching roof.

As a result, depending on which churches you chose to examine, you might find more differences between church of the same denomination and commonalities between congregations of differing denominations than the other way around. Indeed, this actually happens fairly often, especially when comparing churches in small towns. For instance, I presently serve in a small town in central Illinois. There is a Lutheran Church (LCMS) here. And even though LCMS is less like UMC than is the ELCA, there really isn't that much difference between the practices in our two congregations (or for that matter even between either of our congregations and the Catholic Church in town). This is because the town is so small that we have a very homogeneous community; there simply isn't enough diversity to produce significant differences. But my United Methodist church here in central Illinois is very unlike the last United Methodist church I served 4 hours away in southern Illinois. That congregation had originally been EUB before the merger between the EUB and the Methodist Church nearly 50 years ago. But they still held on to some of the practices, plus the dominant denomination influence in that area were Southern Baptist churches, so my congregation there had people who thought that way more than they did as Methodists.

Now, if I might make a pastoral suggestion. It would probably do you both some good to learn about the beliefs and practices of one another. So, take that class which your boyfriend's church offers, but ask him to attend a similar one at yours. It matters not which way you eventually decide to go, you still need to learn about where the other is coming from. And I encourage you both to attend both classes. You each might be surprised by the sorts of things you think are true of your own denomination that have more to do with local cultural practices than with denominational beliefs -- for instance your ideas about frequency of communion or when Methodists do baptism. And if attending the classes isn't convenient, at least get some books to read together. (I would be happy to suggest a few for either denomination.)

Lastly, realize that while some differences will still be there, many of them are just that, differences but not wrongs. Can you live with these differences? I can assure you that if you choose to marry you'll find many more differences. Sometimes we actually appreciate these differences in our spouse, they complement us in ways that we value. But, other times these differences will grate on us. Ultimately, every couple needs to resolve which is more to them the difference or the individual, and hopefully you resolve and commit to this before you marry not after. Of course, I'm probably not the best person to take advice from on that matter, when I met my wife she was a Christian, and I turned her into a Methodist.

 

[Dave-W]

It would probably do you both some good to learn about the beliefs and practices of one another. So, take that class which your boyfriend's church offers, but ask him to attend a similar one at yours.

That is a fantastic idea - but I fear her congregation may be so small they have no similar class.

His congregation is made up of a couple hundred people, whereas mine has 12 on a good day.

 

[Julie.S]

I asked this in a different thread, but someone suggested to ask it here also.

I know this is long, but I really need advice. I will try to explain the best I can. I apologize if there is any confusion.

My boyfriend and I are 22 years old and have been together for almost 2 years. He and his family are very strong Lutherans and I grew up in a relaxed Methodist environment (meaning when I was little, my mom and I went to church only on special occasions to Bible School and left before the sermon, but now, we go every Sunday to Bible School. My dad grew up not going to church.). His congregation is made up of a couple hundred people, whereas mine has 12 on a good day. I am used to a very small church, so the first coupe of times we attended his, it was quite a shock. We have been lucky enough to attend both church services because mine is from 8:45 - 10 and his is from 11 - 12 (we live an hour away, so it works perfectly).

We have talked about getting engaged and married later on in our relationship (after a few more years, we are very traditional, no sex, not living together, etc.) and the when the topic of what church we will attend comes up, he strongly suggests that I become Lutheran and take intro classes and things like that. When I casually suggest him becoming Methodist, he always says a very strong NO and doesn't explain why or let me explain my side.

I know that Lutherans come from the Catholic denomination and my boyfriend has explained to me the differences, but there are so many things that I do not agree with that I can't see myself converting to Lutheran (communion every other Sunday, infant baptism, etc.). I have looked into non-denominational churches in our area and am willing to attend them, but my boyfriend is very hesitant and feels like he is betraying his family.

I want us to be the same denomination and attend only one church together so when we decide to get married and start a family, we can be united in our faith together and our kids won't get dragged to 2 very different churches and possibly get confused. What should I do?

Thank you!!!

Now hold on a second my dad is Presbyterian and my mother is Catholic. I was raised Catholic but of course I know about my dads faith also.

You can stay sperate denominations if you want to it does not have to be a bad thing. It has worked out well in my family and multiple aunts and uncles are the same way. Some are one denomination and others are another. There can be lots of harmony.

Do what you want to though. I wish you luck.

 

[circuitrider]

Now hold on a second my dad is Presbyterian and my mother is Catholic. I was raised Catholic but of course I know about my dads faith also.

You can stay sperate denominations if you want to it does not have to be a bad thing. It has worked out well in my family and multiple ain't and uncles are the same way. Some are one denomination and others are another. There can be lots of harmony.

Do what you want to though. I wish you luck.

That is very true Julie. Couples should be aware that they may have to make decisions in the future as to which church their children will be raised in. That is often where the issues come up. If you are comfortable with navigating those issues. And if you don't think your church is THE only right church than a couple can certainly work through being in two denominations.

 

[Dave-W]

And if you don't think your church is THE only right church than a couple can certainly work through being in two denominations.

True - but many couples would not be comfortable with that.
I know DW and I certainly would not be ok with going 2 different ways on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

 

[Julie.S]

That is very true Julie. Couples should be aware that they may have to make decisions in the future as to which church their children will be raised in. That is often where the issues come up. If you are comfortable with navigating those issues. And if you don't think your church is THE only right church than a couple can certainly work through being in two denominations.

Exactly I will probably become another denomination later in life also. I am open to changes and compromise.

 

[circuitrider]

True - but many couples would not be comfortable with that.
I know DW and I certainly would not be ok with going 2 different ways on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

It is a very individual decision.

I have couples in my current church where one spouse is UMC and the other is Roman Catholic.

The most recent former denominational head of the American Baptist Churches, USA is married to an ELCA pastor.

 

[Julie.S]

True - but many couples would not be comfortable with that.
I know DW and I certainly would not be ok with going 2 different ways on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

I am the kind of person that has no problem with that though. Probably because I was raised the way I was. I am a bit more open to things I guess then some others might be. My father was also not as active in his church.

 

[GraceSeeker]

It would probably do you both some good to learn about the beliefs and practices of one another. So, take that class which your boyfriend's church offers, but ask him to attend a similar one at yours.

That is a fantastic idea - but I fear her congregation may be so small they have no similar class.

Which is why I also offered to recommend a few books they could read together. But, it doesn't have to be Lindz54GD's home church that they take the classes on Methodism in either. Perhaps in the city where her boyfriend lives there is a larger Methodist church that might offer some sort of class. I know of no Methodist church that would refuse someone who was interested in learning about Methodism from attending, whether they were members or not.

 

[circuitrider]

Which is why I also offered to recommend a few books they could read together. But, it doesn't have to be Lindz54GD's home church that they take the classes on Methodism in either. Perhaps in the city where her boyfriend lives there is a larger Methodist church that might offer some sort of class. I know of no Methodist church that would refuse someone who was interested in learning about Methodism from attending, whether they were members or not.

Agree GraceSeeker. I am starting a class to inform potential new members about the UMC and my local church beginning in April. Anyone would be welcome, even if they had no interest in joining the church.

 

[Feuerbach]

I'm not trying to sidetrack this discussion so please excuse my intrusion, but my wife and I are in different churches after years of trying to find a place that fed us both. I'm Anglican and my wife is Greek Orthodox. We both admit it's not ideal, but it's far better than what our experience was before and we do occasionally visit the other's church (for example, Christmas Eve we went to the Anglican liturgy and Christmas Day, Orthodox). If you have any questions or anything, please feel free to PM me.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I've seen it work with couples that went to different churches for various reasons, but there is a strong sense of unity in attending the same church, especially when it comes to family and having children. To my mind Lutherans and Methodists aren't usually radically incompatible, but I agree with other posts here on it depending what type of Lutheran. ECLA's are much more liberal, as an example, and have open communion like Methodists.