dating while separated?

[SearcherKris]

There is someone here at work who is separated too and we have talked and given each other a listening ear. He has asked me to go have a drink, but I'm not sure I want to do that. I told him that I still love my husband and we haven't even filed for a dissolution, so it's not like I'm trying to appear available. I just want to make sure before I go have a drink with him that he knows I just want his friendship. Like I said, tricky question. I'm wondering if it makes it ok if the other person knows you just want friendship?? Would I only be kidding myself to think that's all he wants too???

Tell him exactly what you said here. It's important to tell him your heart. If he truely cares about you and your welbeing and values your friendship, he will be understanding and respect your values.

Ask him what he wants. Let him know that dating or anything romantic is off the table. You will only be with him in public. If he is not satisfied with that, then he is not safe for you to be with right now.

If he has a negative reaction, then you will know that he is not as good a friend as he seems, and maybe he needs some time to heal up and grow some.

But I would only do it if your motive is truely friendship and not for comfort at all. If you go into this for comfort and to not feel lonely, you will be putting yourself at risk of lowering your standards and doing something you may regret.

 

[myanchor]

Not having been in the separated or divorced situation but having had loads of pain (from both sides to the other) in our marriage, I may have something to say that you can relate to.

Marriage is way more than a piece of paper, it is the uniting of two people into a unit. It is two, standing before God and witnesses promising to be that person one and only. Jesus did say that He permitted divorce in the case of adultery. Permitted it, but still didn't want it, He wanted us to soften our hearts and reconcile.

Until you are divorced, legally, you are still married. Until the bonds of matirmony are fully severed, no matter what the spouse is out doing, you are still obligated until everything is final.

Youngling, I have a daughter who is 18 and I for sure would oppose her getting married for at least another 5-7 years. My son is 22 and I don't want him marrying for at least 3-5 years. I married at 26, DW was 25 and we were barely ready for the massive changes we had to undergo.

I've read that it takes about 1 year for each year of marriage without counseling for people to be ready for another relationship. With counseling it is more like 1 year for every 3 years. So definitely work through your issues while and after your divorce is final before you get into another relationshiip.

 

[JohnDB]

This is a tricky question. I'm currently separated from my husband, but I will have hope that we can reconcile until the papers are signed. We both are so tired of our issues. Anyway, this is my second marriage. After the first marriage, I did not date until 4 weeks after the dissolution was final. I was still hoping my husband would change his mind and come back. AND I married him when I was 18 and really had no dating experience. So I always said 'I didn't date until after it was final and I don't think other people should.' But now, it is tempting to go back on the singles websites and put a profile on there just because I want company. I'm lonely and would like to go out sometimes. But I don't think my heart would be in it. There is someone here at work who is separated too and we have talked and given each other a listening ear. He has asked me to go have a drink, but I'm not sure I want to do that. I told him that I still love my husband and we haven't even filed for a dissolution, so it's not like I'm trying to appear available. I just want to make sure before I go have a drink with him that he knows I just want his friendship. Like I said, tricky question. I'm wondering if it makes it ok if the other person knows you just want friendship?? Would I only be kidding myself to think that's all he wants too???

OK...but I wouldn't go have a drink with this guy if I were you.

divorce is a big issue. separation is one too. There is a side effect of getting divorced coming from the hurt that is caused by one...a big insensitive callous on your heart. This is marriage number 2 for you. It gets easier and easier to walk out that door each time doesn't it? No matter how you want to slice it your ability to judge who would make a good spouse with you is not at a level that is working out for you.

That insensitivity that comes from being separated and filing for divorce can spread into areas that you do not want it to. You don't want a resume like the woman at the well did in the bible.

Adding alcohol to two broken hearts...with a little bit of intimacy...and a little bit of caring...instant disaster awaits this situation. Stay away...stay far far away. Speaking casually at work in a work atmosphere and setting is one thing...carrying that outside of the work environment is something else and an instant invitation for disaster on many levels and areas.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

This is a tricky question. I'm currently separated from my husband, but I will have hope that we can reconcile until the papers are signed. We both are so tired of our issues. Anyway, this is my second marriage. After the first marriage, I did not date until 4 weeks after the dissolution was final. I was still hoping my husband would change his mind and come back. AND I married him when I was 18 and really had no dating experience. So I always said 'I didn't date until after it was final and I don't think other people should.' But now, it is tempting to go back on the singles websites and put a profile on there just because I want company. I'm lonely and would like to go out sometimes. But I don't think my heart would be in it. There is someone here at work who is separated too and we have talked and given each other a listening ear. He has asked me to go have a drink, but I'm not sure I want to do that. I told him that I still love my husband and we haven't even filed for a dissolution, so it's not like I'm trying to appear available. I just want to make sure before I go have a drink with him that he knows I just want his friendship. Like I said, tricky question. I'm wondering if it makes it ok if the other person knows you just want friendship?? Would I only be kidding myself to think that's all he wants too???

Yeah, you'd be kidding yourself thinking there was no danger just because you've said the words, "friends only". Good for you for recognizing it.

 

[Bridgit]

what does everyone feel about dating while separated before the dissolution papers are "officially legal"???? i am currently interested in a man about 3 hrs from me and my parents said i can make my own choice even tho they dont approve. him and his cousins offered to have a cookout with me half way between where we both live. is it ok to go???

You need to give yourself time to heal. If the person you're interested in truly loves you, then he won't mind waiting for you. If you're afraid he might not wait, then he's not worth your love. Rushing into a relationship is not wise at all.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

You should do what you want to do! Follow your heart and your personal conviction.. it doesn't matter what everyone thinks. If I were you, i'd be weary and afraid of rushing into a relationship (not that that is your intent) my advice is to take things slow and be prayerful, meditive about what your heart really needs. You certainly don't want to jump into marriage again to go through the same thing again... this is your time be be real about you and your needs... enjoy it!

Hope this helps.

HB

 

[Macx]

I don't believe this:

Until you are divorced, legally, you are still married. Until the bonds of matirmony are fully severed, no matter what the spouse is out doing, you are still obligated until everything is final.

for a moment.

Paper is not magical & a judge's stamp doesn't magically transform you into not married. That said, it is a really, really dumb idea to get into a relationship this soon after a failed marriage. The divorce papers will take time and make a useful absolute minimum ammount of time before you should even think about maybe looking at but not communicating with "what is out there". My advice isn't based on a belief that marriage papers have magical properties, it is based on painful experience.

I lost a wife to her infidelity, we were divorced. Too soon after I started looking, did the E-harmony thing and thought I found just right. . .. pursued it too hard too fast and got in way too deep before I realized she had violent temper and self control issues that were going to eliminate any possibility of us having children or if we did, the percentage chance she would kill them was just too high. I ended up having to break the relationship off just a couple weeks before what would have been a second marriage because she flew into one of her rages and got violent & we had reached the point of "if you hit me again it is over" All throughout the thing I was rushing and overlooking & trying to get back on track from what I'd lost in my divorce. It was foolish and it only brought more pain. I would sincerely invite the OP to learn from my mistakes rather than repeating them.

Wait. Do not get involved while the paper isn't clear . . . without a doubt. Do think about waiting a little longer than that even. It isn't about the paper, it is about the condition of your heart and the ability to make rational decisions that will not explode on you a lil while later.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I don't believe this: for a moment.

Paper is not magical & a judge's stamp doesn't magically transform you into not married. That said, it is a really, really dumb idea to get into a relationship this soon after a failed marriage. The divorce papers will take time and make a useful absolute minimum ammount of time before you should even think about maybe looking at but not communicating with "what is out there". My advice isn't based on a belief that marriage papers have magical properties, it is based on painful experience.

I lost a wife to her infidelity, we were divorced. Too soon after I started looking, did the E-harmony thing and thought I found just right. . .. pursued it too hard too fast and got in way too deep before I realized she had violent temper and self control issues that were going to eliminate any possibility of us having children or if we did, the percentage chance she would kill them was just too high. I ended up having to break the relationship off just a couple weeks before what would have been a second marriage because she flew into one of her rages and got violent & we had reached the point of "if you hit me again it is over" All throughout the thing I was rushing and overlooking & trying to get back on track from what I'd lost in my divorce. It was foolish and it only brought more pain. I would sincerely invite the OP to learn from my mistakes rather than repeating them.

Wait. Do not get involved while the paper isn't clear . . . without a doubt. Do think about waiting a little longer than that even. It isn't about the paper, it is about the condition of your heart and the ability to make rational decisions that will not explode on you a lil while later.

You're right about needing to wait for healing and not just a divorce decree. But, we are also called to submit to the authority that God has allowed. It wouldn't be proper for a married person to go on a "date" and in most circumstances, those still going through the legal stuff are not close to being healed. I'm sure there are those that are stuck in a protracted legal quagmire after the relationship is truly over and healed from, but they are probably the minority.

 

[myanchor]

If the state you live in's law doesn't say you're divorced, you are still married. And anything you do that is counter to being married can be brought up in court and used against you. So yes the piece of paper that dissolves your marriage is very important. Just as the piece of paper memorializing your marriage is important.

And I've read that with counseling, you aren't ready for another relationship until about 3 months for each year of the marriage has passed. And without counseling you aren't fit for one till a year for each year of marriage has passed.

 

[Macx]

The State's opinion is irrelevant. Fear is a bad motivator. Fear of legal consequence is a particularly bad motivator. It is unthinkable that Christians are so weak in their faith that they have to look toward the papers of a corrupt system , to guide them & they prefer it to the Word of God. It saddens me. The State has no business making or breaking marriages, it is an overstepping of boundaries as set by the highest law of the land. Therefore all laws stemming from this breach of Constitution are wholly irrelevant.

I don't think it is healthy to set specific times, this many days or that many years, conditions of the heart aren't changed that way. Measured time is irrelevant. I will only say that nearly nobody is ready, when they think they are . . . it is almost always a fair while after that.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

The State's opinion is irrelevant. Fear is a bad motivator. Fear of legal consequence is a particularly bad motivator. It is unthinkable that Christians are so weak in their faith that they have to look toward the papers of a corrupt system , to guide them & they prefer it to the Word of God. It saddens me. The State has no business making or breaking marriages, it is an overstepping of boundaries as set by the highest law of the land. Therefore all laws stemming from this breach of Constitution are wholly irrelevant.

I don't think it is healthy to set specific times, this many days or that many years, conditions of the heart aren't changed that way. Measured time is irrelevant. I will only say that nearly nobody is ready, when they think they are . . . it is almost always a fair while after that.

Romans 13:1- "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are appointed by God." This does not put earthly law above God and if there is a conflict, God's law trumps all. This is not preferring man's law over God's. This is understanding what God's word says. I'm sure you realize it's pretty insulting to call other Christians weak when their opinion differs from your own...........

And planning ahead and making decisions while considering how one's behavior might affect the future is not about fear, it is a mature decision to have the patience to wait. It is mature to think about how one's decisions might affect child custody, etc.

 

[Macx]

Romans 13:1 was used as an excuse to make crispy baked jews.




You have the

icon, and you are over 40, so no doubt your were taught civics back when civics was taught in school. Civil disobedience has been a part of our system since the pregnancy, labor and birth of our country. Our founding fathers were civilly disobedient. What I am advocating is not illegal, it is rather asserting 10th amendment rights.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
​

Regardless of whether a common law marriage is recognized in a given state, you surely wouldn't say that it isn't recognized by God?!? The law also gives validity to established common law marriages in states where common law marriages can't be established, how very internally conflicted. Where cultures practice polygymy and immigrate to the United States a grave miscarriage of justice is done. That a man would have to "give up" a wife or wives by merit of a law Unconstitutional under the 1st Amendment . . . the list goes on. It is clear that the Gov't. has no business in marriage. I put my challenge out there knowing that the closest anyone can come is the "submit to the goverment" phase in Scripture. . . . and that this government in the United States has a history steeped in civil disobedience, conscientious objection and a separation of Church and State. In the Land of the Free, the argument from Romans 13 doesn't wash. We are a country ruled by law not by men and the highest law of the land confounds the laws that are in conflict with what I say. The Constitution trumps state laws per the 14th amendment section 1.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Romans 13:1 was used as an excuse to make crispy baked jews.




You have the

icon, and you are over 40, so no doubt your were taught civics back when civics was taught in school. Civil disobedience has been a part of our system since the pregnancy, labor and birth of our country. Our founding fathers were civilly disobedient. What I am advocating is not illegal, it is rather asserting 10th amendment rights.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
​

I had a hard time staying awake in History classes, but I'm well aware of how the United States came to be and of conflicts within the United States that were supposed to bring out changes to give rights to all people. As far as using the Romans verse to persecute Jews; if it was used in such a way it is a misuse. The Bible makes it clear that God's law is supreme. The improper use of the verse does not make the verse null and void in proper circumstances.

I do not take the verse to mean we can never challenge or fight government. It does mean that we should live in harmony whenever possible with the laws of the land and bring others to Christ through the testimony of our lives. The problems is, that many decide they want to be disobedient to God's or the government's law and then try to justify it. I can think of circumstances where a couple should probably live as husband and wife without getting a marriage license. If a widow was to lose her health benefits by remarrying and would not be able to afford her $5000/month chemotherapy prescription, I see no problem with the couple having a ceremony attended by friends and officiated by clergy which pronounced them husband and wife in God's eyes, but did not give them the legal status.

There are very rare circumstances when a person has done everything humanly possible to obtain a valid divorce and the process is delayed beyond reason. These are not the circumstances that I have a problem with. Waiting 6 months or so for a divorce to be settled is not a long period of time and could be spent serving God in ministry instead of dating. That is what we were talking about, wasn't it?

 

[Macx]

On the contrary. The government's involvement in the topic of marriage is a relatively recent invention in human history. It was a wrong turn. Failing to extract the government from marriage is like recognizing you aren't going the right way and saying "well, since we are headed this way . . . lets head this way" giving up all concern for reaching the goal.

Putting it a different way, there are people who have taken God out of the classroom, nativity sets from courthouse lawns, forbade prayers at graduations, fight to remove war memorials that are too "Christian" all in the name of seperation of Church and State. There is a controversy raging about homosexual marriage. Some states want to allow it some states don't. You can bet within the next ten years it'll go to the Supreme Court & given the prevailing political winds, gay marriage will be forced on even the states that don't want it via 14th amendment. Of course it'll soon be grounds for a discrimination suit for churches to refuse gay marriages & pretty soon it'll be very fashionable for homosexuals to make large lofty style living spaces outta what used to be church sanctuaries or turn the same into massage parlors or night clubs depending on the style of church. That'd never happen cause too many states are against it? Well, if the choice is in the government's hands, you are only ever one election away from your church having to conduct gay marriages, regardless of your church's stance on the issue. Now this is just one of a host of issues if we leave the State in the topic of marriage.

My comment about crispy baked Jews was made specifically because any time Romans 13:1 is used to promote an injustice, it is a misuse. Just as it was a misuse of scripture that allowed people "just following orders" to do truly awful things to Jews, it is a misuse of scripture to use Romans 13:1 to support an idea (the State should license marriage and have a say in who can and can't get married) that is clearly in conflict with the 1st Amendment to the Bill of Rights.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Marriage, if we believe what the Bible tells us . . . was ordained by God from the beginning of time. God set the rules in the beginning, when man got so twisted, depraved & hard of heart that humans needed more laws regarding marriage, God provided it as is recorded in Deuteronomy. How can we believe this, which is not contradicted by what the 1st amendment says & believe there is any room at all for government in marriage? Clearly ALL laws regarding marriage are violations of the 1st Amendment & that nullifies them.



My premise though was more on the lines that fear is a bad motivator and fear of the law (in the sense of fright not in the sense of respect) is a particularly bad motivator. No one who breaks the law does so expecting to be caught & there are few inclined to brek law who don't for as a result of fear. There are much better, much more rational reasons not to date while still legally married.

There are very rare circumstances when a person has done everything humanly possible to obtain a valid divorce and the process is delayed beyond reason. These are not the circumstances that I have a problem with. Waiting 6 months or so for a divorce to be settled is not a long period of time and could be spent serving God in ministry instead of dating. That is what we were talking about, wasn't it?

Yes. To be clear, the law is a lousy reason to not date soon after separating from a spouse. That statement does not mean it is a good idea to date while separated but not yet divorced. It is a really bad idea to date while seperated but not yet divorced, but it is a really bad idea for a lot of really valid reasons that have nothing to do with law. With so many really good and really valid reasons to not date while separated but not yet divorced, reaching for one of the worst reasons not to do so & worse, making believe it is the only reason not to, is really disturbing.

 

[Heismyrock2]

Dump the whole dating seen for good. Spend a couple years getting to know God and his will for your life....then entertain the idea of COURTING (not dating).

 

[taku60]

Dump the whole dating seen for good. Spend a couple years getting to know God and his will for your life....then entertain the idea of COURTING (not dating).

If you can hold out that long without sex.

 

[Macx]

If you can't "hold out", you should spend some time with an axe and take care of that bit of flesh you don't seen able to handle. Just lop it off, brother. . . . it is obviously causing more trouble than it is worth to you.

 

[technofox]

With my wife and I heading to divorce, I have been wondering about this same issue of dating while separated. I think it's worth waiting for the divorce papers to clear; even though I hate the idea of having to wait an entire year, because I have wasted too much of my life on a marriage that had two people who were just not right for each other. I may go for the divorce of spousal abandonment due to the lack of sex and get this marriage done and over with, not sure though (may be if my wife approves, then I may do it) and we should be able to be divorced by June or the end of this year dependent on how fast the court system works and if it is uncontested.

I want to thank you all for your insight and posts, because I have just recently been contacted by someone on an online dating site, even though I thought I had hidden my profile , because I wanted to wait until the divorce papers were signed, before going back to the dating scene. I feel tempted to go out dating right now, because I don't want to waste any more time, but it is probably for the best. I know I need to take care of myself first, before I can start dating again or try to reconcile later (though I am doubtful, because of how our marriage has practically been two roommates living together). Literally for the past two and a half years, we had sex maybe about 10 times or less it was hard not to checkout or desire other women because of it.

 

[SearcherKris]

Your grounds for divorce could be for sexual unfaithfulness. The Bible not only teaches that we are to not have sex with people we are not married to, but also teaches that we are to have sex with the one we ARE married to. Refusing you sexually is sexual sin commited against you and your marriage.

 

[Daughter of the King!]

I agree that it's time to take some time for yourself. Give yourself that gift - time to process your emotions, it sounds like you been through a gruelling time! Figure out what you want, make plans, learn more about you. It doesn't sound like the time to go straight into another relationship. If God is in this- it will work out in the long run. Draw close to God, get good christian counsel to live according to his purpose. My prayers are with you
Sister in Christ