Dating the right way

[HeAtHeRBeAnS]

Why is is when a Christian teen makes a mistake in the world of dating, he/she is ridiculed worse than someone of the world. I understand that we are supposed to know better, but yet we are also human at the same time. I asked my dad to buy me I've Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. I am glad, though, that I have still maintained my abstinence, but I am not proud of previous bahavior. I feel as is I am not ready to date, which I knwo isn't a bad thing, but I still feel as if God have someone for me out there and I get confused about if I should persue dating or just wait for who knwos how long for "him" to come to me. Down anyone have any advice or verses that may help me?

 

[bubble_blower]

As long you've thought about your boundaries and taken responsibility for all the possible outcomes, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to keep dating, rather than stopping. A lot of people find it difficult to meet as many people after college- life flows differently, you're not hanging around with tons of people your age who all have open minds and futures. I have been fortunate in that I am still with the woman I fell in love with in college, but my friends who have become single after college tend to have involuntary dry spells of YEARS.

I think successful relationships take practice... even if Mr. Right rides in on his horse, I don't think you can skip all the mistakes. If you don't make them with other people you'll make them with him, which may work out fine, but I wouldn't hold off dating just to avoid relationship complexities. Doesn't work.

 

[JahRawks]

Dating according to God's standards these days is hard, for a Christian, I really like a statement I read in another thread, "I will never again have a girlfriend", now this quote is not because he never plans to get married, but because he wants to marry his best friend, and that's where our misconception of what dating should be comes from, we should become very good friends with someone before we start looking at them with an interest of marrying them at some point in the future, that's what courtship is all about, is dating a person with complete intention of marrying the girl/guy your courting, am I saying there won't be mistakes even in that relationship? No, I'm not, in fact, I'm sure there will still be mistakes, but you learn from them and move on, you just have to do your best to follow Christ's guidance, and when you fail, repent, forgive each other, and move on, all that to say, I wouldn't date, at least not in the worldly sense, go out with a person, get to know them, and if you find you want to marry them, begin courting them, and as hard as it may be on him, the guy should ask a parents permission before courtship begins, unless of course parents become completely unreasonable, which happens at times. Anyway, hope all of my rambling helps. God Bless-Nathan

 

[YouthPastor]

you are a teenager - enjoy this time. never again will you be this "free" - forget guys (for now - we are all pigs - scum).

Focus on you - your relationship with God. Build friendships (ONLY FRIENDSHIPS) with guys - nothing emotional/romantic - just friends. NO one on one replationship.

Then as you get older and marriage becomes an option - one of these friends will probably "click" with you - then it can go further - as long as both agree that marriage is the goal.

Dating started in the 1920's less than 100 years old - yet we think it ahs always been done that way - before the 20's - parents were very involved in thier childs relationship wit hthe opposite sex. and for the most part - the only reasona guy "called" on a girl was for marriage.

here are a couple good books - that you do not hear about - but they go into the history of dating - dangers - is it biblical and also how christian guys and girls should "pursue" finding the right spouse.

Christian Courtship vs. The Dating Game by Pastor Jim West - can be bought fro $5.00 at
http://www.courtshipconnection.com/courtship5.html

The second is called Dating vs. courtship by Paul Jehle and can be bought fro 15.00 at:
http://www.plymrock.org/dating.htm

 

[katelyn]

I recommend reading The 10 Commandments of Dating if you would still like to date and do it in a way that pleases God.

If you don't feel like dating right now, that's cool; in fact, probably a good thing. Commandment #1 in that book is to have a life of your own. Now is a great time to figure out what you want to do in your life without worrying what some romantic interest thinks about it!

 

[IslandBreeze]

I think there are a lot of great ideas ou there about dating, but I don't think Kissing Dating Goodbye is the way to do it. I've read (both) of Josh Harris' books, and I'm definitely anything but impressed or moved by his convictions. My husband and I had a "traditional" dating period before we got married, and we managed to stay pure without going overboard, as Harris suggests. Try reading "I gave Dating a Chance" and get a different viewpoint than Josh Harris will give you. If you have anymore questions, feel free to PM me.

 

[Brokenleaf]

If you can date without having any thoughts of lust going through your head, fine. But that kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think? Is dating without lust really dating?

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Is dating without lust really dating?

Yes. Dating should be a form of finding that person you love and want to marry. Lust is often involved with that, but really shouldn't be. A marriage won't work if there's soley lust and no love.

I want to point this out. Everyone is different. For some dating is ok, for others it isn't, and even for others there's a combination of dating/courting. I've always veiwed dating as trying to find the man I want to marry. I've "dated" one guy. One. And marriage is where we're headed right now unless God has something different. I view my relationship as courting because marriage was always the point of it, but we do a lot of things by ourselves, so some see it as dating as well.

 

[Risen Tree]

Dating started in the 1920's less than 100 years old - yet we think it ahs always been done that way - before the 20's - parents were very involved in thier childs relationship wit hthe opposite sex.

Wow. Thanks for posting that.

You guys do realize that that 1920's saw the first sexual revolution of our society?

This one just got my thinking cap whirling....

 

[lady in waiting]

Why would you even want to date someone that you were not friends with. If you are not compatiable as friends then how can you even think to date that person because the long answer has already been answered! Also Having both sets of parents involved in the dating process i sa verry good idea! If the guy treats his mom w/disrespect then chances are in the long run....

 

[Zanne Chaos]

you are a teenager - enjoy this time. never again will you be this "free" - forget guys (for now - we are all pigs - scum).

Focus on you - your relationship with God. Build friendships (ONLY FRIENDSHIPS) with guys - nothing emotional/romantic - just friends. NO one on one replationship.

Good advice dished out with a heaping helping of humor. You rock.

Dating started in the 1920's less than 100 years old - yet we think it ahs always been done that way - before the 20's - parents were very involved in thier childs relationship wit hthe opposite sex. and for the most part - the only reasona guy "called" on a girl was for marriage.

I just made an LJ post to a friend to reply to her thoughts on this topic on a much older thread that I didn't see a reason to kick back up to life merely to say what's essentially "me too!"

But I did bring this up, about dating.

I always had a problem with dating. I'm not against it, but I couldn't for the life of me comprehend how people could just go out casually with no real committment, or date multiple people. When I dated, it was because I was genuinely interested in seeing if the person was someone with whom I could possible be compatible with on a long-term basis. Yeah, I dated with the potential of marriage in mind, because to me, that's what dating is.

So yeah, dating is not just some fun casual hanging out thing. Hanging out is fun, but putting a 'dating' or 'boyfriend/girlfriend' label on it brings in a whole new level of stress and temptations.

Dating is courting - spending time with someone on a more committed level with the purpose of determining whether or not they'd be someone you could see yourself committing yourself to for life.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I recommend this really good book on dating ...oh whats it called.....thats right the Bible.

I am being very serious the Bible itself never sets ground rules for "dating" because as YP said it is a very new term/tradition. And a stupid one at that. The Book, lays out all the guidlines you need to follow in your life, how to treat others and yourself. How to deal with sexual thoughts and desires, and how to avoid them. Its all there every tool you need to persue and grasp the infamous "one" that everyone is looking for.

Dating Books are pep talks, can they make good solid points.....sure....but its nothing that you, in your heart and mind, dont alredy know(cause if you dont then dont you dare get involved), they just put it in words. YOU are the one person in the this world that knows what he/she needs in a companion, how YOU need to be treated and how YOU need to make the choices and steps to find that maintain a relationship with that person. If there is a doubt in your mind about any of those if you second guess you intentions or compromise what you need/want in someone else, then you are not ready to commit, and should not start "hanging out" with someone on a regular basis. Now I said in this world, God know who you need and want to, its a must to put in his hands your faith to point you in the right direction, it is ultimitly your choice (gotta love free will) but if you put him first, he will put you first and be there when the choice is to be made.

(for the boys)
Men/boys are always referenced as a "knight in shinning armor", but wouldnt you rather be with the stable boy then the knight. The one who works hard everyday to support himself, who is trusted enough to handle the Knights horse/animals and equipment, who does not look for glory and riches but for pride and selfsacrafice. The one behind the scences, but has studied and observed long enough to know that when he must mount his horse and fight for what he loves and believes in he not only will but he can. I want to be the stable boy.

To the Knight love is like a Dragon, its all in the persuit, in the hunt. Once he has hunted his dragon (love) and made it his, its seems so often that the he forgets that the dragon is not his, it does not belong to him, it has free will. If you mistreat the dragon to long then it will leave, one of the most powerful beast to ever roam the earth ( I am speaking metaphorically) and you have it at your call and you let it go because you have become to wrapped up in a new persiut or distraction. But if you treat the dragon with love and compassion, feed it and care for it, give it attention and affection, then this beast will take you places you have never seen, to a level that cant be touched, or felt. When the Knight neglects his dragon who will take care of it, who is that feeds the dragon cares for the dragon and gives the dragon what the Knight cant, you guessed it...the boy from the stable, who rides into the night on the most powerful beast and forever is set for life. The stable boy. I want to be the stable boy.

What does that have to do with dating, no one imagines "dating" the stable boy, but he is loyal and to get to know him he must be a friend first, that is the key. The Knight will always leave for a new adventure, the stable boy will always be there to care for what he loves.

Warrior Poet

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Warrior Poet, you've been blessed with wisdom.

Date your best friend. If you don't want to be best friends with them, why would you want to date them?

 

[Risen Tree]

Food for thought:

http://members.aol.com/Boldcl/romance2.htm

 

[YouthPastor]

Courting - if done as courting and not just another name for dating is:

You have no ONE ON ONE relationship with a person of the opposite sex UNTILL the girls parents agree that the guy in question is most likely the one for her - of course that measn that they guy has to be known by the girls parents etc..

here is what I recommend - call it what you want:

1) NO ONE on ONE relationships with the opposite sex.
Get to know people of the opposite sex in group environments. This will enable you to get to know them - without the masks of dating.
No pairing off into boyfriend/girlfiend relationships. hang out as a group - become good friends as a group.

2) One on One - should be saved until marriage is an option. before the 1920's the ONLY reason a guy "called" on a girl was with marriage as the goal.
Why Give yourself emotionaly to people who most likey will not be your spouse.?
Dating in high school - does not make much sense - chances are the relationship will end by the time you go off to college. -

Would you get into a car if you knew that 2 miles down the road it was going to drive off a cliff? NO

But yet we get into the "car" of dating - knowing that the realtionship (and our emotions) are going to get hurt.

3) HAVE YOUR PARENTS INVOLVED. Allow them to get to know your freinds all of them including the guys. Ask them to pray for you and your future spouse (starting now). Talk with them! if youstart to have "feelings" for someone and Marriage is a possibility have them pray.

If you can't have your parents involved for some reason - have someone - pastor someone (Older than you)

4) GET TO KNOW the other person's family - iside and out - get to know as much as you can. Find out which parent they resemble the most. Chances are that is how they are goign to be after marriage.
For example - if the girl in question is more like her mom - and her mom is manipulative/controlling - Guess what - Chances are that that is exactly how she is going to be.

That is the condensed version

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

As for the highschool romance thing...

My grandparents met in highschool. They've been married for 56 years.Why do people say it won't happen in today's society?

Maybe it's because there's no seriousness anymore, everything is "just fooling around"
Maybe it's because everything is physical and there's little to no communication between partners.
Maybe it's because marriage doesn't hold anything anymore. It's not seen as a loving relationship, but a cage. There's nothing to look forward to to so many who are living with their significant other and/or having sex with them.
Maybe it's because there is no humbleness, but only selfishness. Everyone thinks of themselves, and not the other person. They want to be right, they want their way. They don't want to compromise.
Maybe it's because there's no forgiveness. Everyone will do something stupid when it comes to their relationships. But why are people so unwilling to forgive? Why do they want to hold it over their heads and keep hurting them? Why cant they just move past it?
Maybe it's because no one wants to try anymore. Everyone wants the easy way out. You have an arguement, ok, just break up instead of working it out. I wonder how many people have lost that special someone because of that.

This is the problem in today's society.

I have a few questions for those who are soley for courting as Youth Pastor described.
What if the 2 people live 500 miles away and rely soley on the telephone and internet for communication. Parental involvement is very difficult in this situations.

I have a little problem with the family ALWAYS being involved. When the family is always there, there is a front. People don't like to acknowledge this, but there is. You're on your best behavior in front of the parents to show them what a decent person you are. Rarely do you want to show your faults or weaknesses in front of them. Should family be involved? Most definately!! I talked to Nathan's sister, brother and mother online a few times. When we're on the phone, sometimes I hand the phone to my gramma or grampa. Family involvement is definately important, but you should be given a chance to get the person by themselves. That's when the front comes down. That's when you see what the person is really like.

 

[YouthPastor]

As for the highschool romance thing...

My grandparents met in highschool. They've been married for 56 years.Why do people say it won't happen in today's society?

Met in high school - does that mean they were "dating" like we do today?

Grandparents - I am guessing that puts them at about 60ish?

much different time back then. Today - your grandparents would be an exception not the rule.

I am not saying that you can only see each other in front of parents - although taking courtship to the furthest it would/could be that way.

However, Ultimatley - you should become GOOD friends first - in group type environment. NOT a one on one emotional/romantic relationship.

Long distance - is different.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Youth Pastor, if you read the rest of my post, I explained why it's different from my grandparents time for most.

And I agree with the good friends part. I always tell people to date thier best friend. If you wouldn't want to date your best friend (of the opposite sex of course ) then why would you want to date a stranger or someone you didn't know? It would scare the monkey outta me to do that!

 

[Katty]

I recommend this really good book on dating ...oh whats it called.....thats right the Bible.

I am being very serious the Bible itself never sets ground rules for "dating" because as YP said it is a very new term/tradition. And a stupid one at that. The Book, lays out all the guidlines you need to follow in your life, how to treat others and yourself. How to deal with sexual thoughts and desires, and how to avoid them. Its all there every tool you need to persue and grasp the infamous "one" that everyone is looking for.

Dating Books are pep talks, can they make good solid points.....sure....but its nothing that you, in your heart and mind, dont alredy know(cause if you dont then dont you dare get involved), they just put it in words. YOU are the one person in the this world that knows what he/she needs in a companion, how YOU need to be treated and how YOU need to make the choices and steps to find that maintain a relationship with that person. If there is a doubt in your mind about any of those if you second guess you intentions or compromise what you need/want in someone else, then you are not ready to commit, and should not start "hanging out" with someone on a regular basis. Now I said in this world, God know who you need and want to, its a must to put in his hands your faith to point you in the right direction, it is ultimitly your choice (gotta love free will) but if you put him first, he will put you first and be there when the choice is to be made.

(for the boys)
Men/boys are always referenced as a "knight in shinning armor", but wouldnt you rather be with the stable boy then the knight. The one who works hard everyday to support himself, who is trusted enough to handle the Knights horse/animals and equipment, who does not look for glory and riches but for pride and selfsacrafice. The one behind the scences, but has studied and observed long enough to know that when he must mount his horse and fight for what he loves and believes in he not only will but he can. I want to be the stable boy.

To the Knight love is like a Dragon, its all in the persuit, in the hunt. Once he has hunted his dragon (love) and made it his, its seems so often that the he forgets that the dragon is not his, it does not belong to him, it has free will. If you mistreat the dragon to long then it will leave, one of the most powerful beast to ever roam the earth ( I am speaking metaphorically) and you have it at your call and you let it go because you have become to wrapped up in a new persiut or distraction. But if you treat the dragon with love and compassion, feed it and care for it, give it attention and affection, then this beast will take you places you have never seen, to a level that cant be touched, or felt. When the Knight neglects his dragon who will take care of it, who is that feeds the dragon cares for the dragon and gives the dragon what the Knight cant, you guessed it...the boy from the stable, who rides into the night on the most powerful beast and forever is set for life. The stable boy. I want to be the stable boy.

What does that have to do with dating, no one imagines "dating" the stable boy, but he is loyal and to get to know him he must be a friend first, that is the key. The Knight will always leave for a new adventure, the stable boy will always be there to care for what he loves.

Warrior Poet

WP, you really have been gifted with words and wisdom. As a female, I admire your point of being the stable boy and that totally twists things around to having the whole "knight in shining armor". Thanks for sharing that.

~Katty~

 

[SelfProtect]

another great Christian book about dating is:

Boundaries in Dating (By Henry Claude and John Towsend)