Dating someone with a child

[Nilla]

For those of you who's had children before meeting the one that's your wife/husband today...or is married to someone who had a child when you met.

My boyfriend has a child from previous marriage, a 10 year old girl.
I've got nothing but positive words from him about her. I know he is a bit biased..lol but at the same time I know that he wants things to work between me and his daugther.

He also knows that I'm not going to try and be a second mother to her, she's got a mom. What I hope/pray for is to be someone who can encourage her and help her see that she's good enough the way she is and well sort of be there for her whenever she needs someone.

I haven't met her yet but if things goes the way they seem to I will meet her very soon.

And to be honest - I'm very nervous about that. He says I got nothing to be worried about - she's going to love me. But all I can think about is all the what if's.. what if she doesn't like me.. should I really go there for the weekend the first time she and I meet. Is that wise.. etc..


Got any tips??

God bless,
Nilla

 

[JaneFW]

Are you having a sexual relationship with the guy? Sorry to be blunt. I'm not going to judge you if you are, but just to tell you to keep that away from the daughter for now. You talked about "going for the weekend" and that's why I asked.

My husband was a single dad of two boys when I first met him. They were 6 and 2. We dated for a year, and have been married now for 11 years, and the boys have always lived with us. Because they were so young, and the bio mom was out of the picture, they decided to make me their "mom" so I have a different relationship with the boys than you would have with your b/f's daughter.

You are going into it with the right attitude. You are not the girl's mom, although there is no reason why you cannot fit into the "second mom" role in time, if you and your b/f marry. Right now, just be friendly and be yourself. Be aware that she may be possessive of her dad, and she may still be wishing that her parents would get back together. I remember the feeling of rejection I had when the eldest boy, even two years after my marriage to his dad, would ask whether divorced people could get back together. He still longed for that family unit.

So, tread gently and be honest and open. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I would not worry so much about whether or not she likes you as much as I would
whether or not I liked her, & the BF's relationship with her.

What Kind of a parent is He? What kind of a person is she? Just because you love the dad does not mean you will like the child at all. AND if you don't like her (give her a reasonable chance mind, you) keep an open mind & admit it at least to yourself.

Cause if he's any kind of a parent, it is a package deal. If you don't like the child. It will never work with him. He'll be in the middle forever & eventually most people get tired of that. She on the other hand is still growing and has many an opportunity to change her views. If the two of you are truly united even if the child is not warm to you to start with, his support of you will likely cause that iceberg to melt. Only time will tell.

Do not spend the night with Dad, the frist time you meet the child. This is His time w/her & you should be introduced to her slowly over time. I'm assuming here he does not subject her to every girl he has gone out with, right? Easy does it when one is building anything, especially what it likely to be a lifelong relationship.

 

[Nilla]

I don't know if he has had a girlfriend since the divorce, I don't think so. But I know that he told me that he doesn't want me to meet her until he know where our relationship is going. And I totally agree with that.

His daughter is with him every other week/weekend.

I'm not going to flaunt anything or throw anything in her face. I'm sort of going by what would I want things to go if I were the child in this and I wouldn't want it to be all up in my face or "like it or not" sort of deal. I know this is going to take time and I'm not in a hurry.

I'm going to see him this weekend and he said that she's asking about me and wants to meet me so if she wants to I said she could come by and say hi and we'll take it from there.

Thanks for the advice.

It helps to get things from different perspectives.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Nilla - you and I have talked and you know my opinion on the whole thing. You are approaching this with the right attitude and so is your boyfriend. If his daughter seems interested in meeting you, I take that as a GOOD sign!

When I introduced the boys to J, they were eager to meet him and enjoyed having him around. While we have hit our bumps in the road (totally normal), they have appreciated/enjoyed his presence in our lives every step of the way.

Being aware of the issues that can come up and proactively addressing them is one of the best things you/your boyfriend can do...and it sounds like you're doing it.

So - relax, be yourself, and enjoy the journey!

The only bit of advice I have is to definitely show some interest in her interests when you first meet her. Ask her about her schooling, extracurricular activities, etc. - it can help take the awkwardness off the initial meeting and what 10 yr old girl doesn't like to talk about herself? You probably already know to do that, though.

 

[Nilla]

I know she likes reading and horses. She's taking riding lessons.. so I know some of what she likes to do.

She's very good as drawing.. well from what I see. Sam has some of her drawings framed. But I don't know if that's something she enjoys doing.

I remember a book series about horses that I read in her age.. but knowing how much she reads I don't know if she's read it or not yet.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Very cool! You can ask her about her riding lessons and maybe bring her a small gift of some chalks or charcoals for drawing. Nothing too crazy b/c you don't want it to seem like you're trying to buy her approval - just something to say "nice to meet you".

Just a thought.

 

[Svt4Him]

You will never win against what if's so it's usually pointless to think about them. I know you will, but realize that's a losing battle, recognize the self-talk as being destructive, and file it as best you can under your 'negative self-talk' box. Sounds simple I know.

 

[TheDag]

As another poster said you must be aware it is a package deal. My wife had a son when we started going out and I had to acknowledge that her son was the most important thing in her life. That is why I moved interstate despite my wife having better job prospects where I was living and also having family who could help us.

Also no matter what don't be critical of her mum. I know at times I have gotten very frustrated with the dad but at the end of the day that is for my wife and him to sort out. I can offer advice & support to my wife but if issues arise they are not for me to sort out. You do sound as if you realise alot of this but seem as I don't know you I thought I'd mention it just in case it was a different perspective.

 

[Nilla]

As another poster said you must be aware it is a package deal. My wife had a son when we started going out and I had to acknowledge that her son was the most important thing in her life. That is why I moved interstate despite my wife having better job prospects where I was living and also having family who could help us.

Also no matter what don't be critical of her mum. I know at times I have gotten very frustrated with the dad but at the end of the day that is for my wife and him to sort out. I can offer advice & support to my wife but if issues arise they are not for me to sort out. You do sound as if you realise alot of this but seem as I don't know you I thought I'd mention it just in case it was a different perspective.

Thanks for the reminder and the tip.

 

[Nilla]

Well I met her.. and what can I say.. it backfired.. didn't go as I thought.

I was very nervous about meeting her so I might have come across as distant or something I don't know. All I know is that my boyfriend (now ex.) thought it went bad. Along with other issues we faced he wasn't sure he could cope with it all..

As it is now we're still friends..even though it's hard.

Just wanted to give an update.

 

[iambren]

Beware of hidden baggage and watch closely how your boyfriend and his daughter interact. I would want to know about the mother and the disposition between them when the divorce occurred.

I'll admit, I'm a little skiddish about this situation. I became a stepparent of a 10-year girl when I married her mom. We both liked each other; I felt like she was my own daughter. At age 14 she ended up in 3 psychiatric facilities. At age 15 her mother and I divorced. It was the most bizarre, stressful time of my life when all their junk unfolded. Hopefully this girl will be in a better place. Keep your eyes wide open!

 

[Nilla]

I knwo there's issues between her and her dad. She rarely wants to visit and when I was there she couldn't get home to mom fast enough.

My ex has hydrocephalus and epilepsy.
Hydrocephalus, constant high pressue on the brain (headaches ALL the time) can be treated with a shunt, but he doens't have one.. for different reasons.

The epilepsy was something he got after a brainsurgery going bad.

I don't know if that has something to do with it or not.

I do know what the communiacation between him and his ex wife isn't the best. At least not from what he has told me. He is so afraid of loosing his daughter that he basically let his ex wife get as she wants..

I'm sure that there's more to this that I'm not aware of.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Never date anyone who has more problems than you do.

 

[TheDag]

Never date anyone who has more problems than you do.

So nobody should date anyone ever is what your saying? If not you might want to review this advice.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

MOD HAT ON

Thread closed at OP request.

MOD HAT OFF​