Dating Profiles

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I am never sure how much to relate about myself in dating profiles. Some people believe in keeping it light and saving anything heavier for once you get to know each other. I tend to want to save people time by sharing a bit more. Some counter my idea by suggesting that if I share too much upfront I may be dismissed whereas once they got to know me they might form a liking and be more willing to consider something that they might have otherwise considered a show stopper.

One is example is that I am not that family oriented. My siblings all live out-of-state. We are close and I see them from time to time but we make no effort to gather at holidays. Our parents are deceased so we no longer gather with them. I have 3 adult children though none with kids yet. I grew up in a dysfunctional family due to alcoholism. I am very close to retirement and am strongly considering moving one to two days drive from where I live now. Not to avoid my kids but to be somewhere I love and can pursue my retirement activities in.

I have met women with lots of grandkids and who just love family. That is truly a great thing but I know it's not me. I don't see myself as the doting grandfather. The norm for me is spending holidays alone. In general I would prefer to spend holidays with one other person and once in a while with family. Hanging out with grandchildren a lot is not something I would enjoy a lot.

So is that something worth mentioning in someway in a profile? If so how would you say it? I know that is important to a lot of women my age so I hate to waste women's time. In general I am not super social. A little goes a long ways with me.

Worth mentioning upfront?

 

[Servant68]

You sound a lot like my dad; very anti-social in that he has never been big on family gatherings and instead likes to spend limited time with just a very small circle of friends.

He's on wife #3 and I am his only child and from his first marriage. I once asked him why he never had any more kids with his second wife, whom he was married to for 25 years.

His reply was that he never saw much use for having kids.

But his third wife is very opposite of him; outgoing and bubbly and loves to hang out with lots of friends and family. She's been very good for him.

So maybe opposites do attract and by being honest in your profile, you will attract someone that sees you as a challenge...

I know that when I went on dating sites in the past, I tried several different approaches to writing my profile.

I tried being as honest as possible and being humorous to let my real personality shine through, I tried being short and brief and a bit jaded, I tried being super positive and warm and fuzzy, and I tried being a bad boy (by that time I had been on a dozen or so dating sites with little to no results and was just done with the whole process).

My theory is that your personality means very little in the online dating world. The key is your profile picture and your stats.

As an overweight, lower income, Christian, who smokes and drinks and has average looks, I didn't stand a chance.

I have since quit smoking, make a decent living, go to work every day in a dress shirt and tie, and am working on losing weight. I would stand a much better chance online now.

What I also learned was that photos that I thought were complimentary of my looks and physique were less popular with the ladies than others.

I had female friends choose photos for me and those got more positive results than ones I would have used.

Pictures of me with my kids or dog did very well compared to ones with me taking a selfie.

Of course all of this hinges on the actual demographics of the area you are in.

Where I am, there are very, very few single women over the age of 30. Even fewer that are Believers and conservative. I just had a beautiful woman at work friend me on FB yesterday and hint that she wants to go out for dinner. She's 26, Thai, and Buddhist.

Women in my demographic around here want a man in a suit, that makes a lot of money, is in perfect shape, is liberal, has a nice house, and nice but not religious.

In Arizona, where I moved from, there were hordes of women between 35 and 50 that were sick of shallow, materialistic, selfish, abusive men that cheated on them, hit on their friends, and didn't appreciate them.

If you had a job, were polite, had morals, looked presentable, weren't abusive, and didn't have addiction issues, then you were a hot commodity.

I often think that my future mate will likely be someone that has recently moved here from Arizona, California, or the East Coast and will be amazed what it's like to be treated with respect and be appreciated.

Now, you're in Boise. That's 300 miles South of me and there are A LOT of single women over 40. And also lots and lots of refugees from California and the East Coast.

If I was writing a profile for that area, I would focus on you being respectful, down to earth, not an addict, and a manly man. Be sure to say your kids are grown and out of the house and no drama with the ex.

Be careful because you may get a few LDS ladies pursuing you. Be sure to list "protestant" in your stats.

I'd love to be trying to date in Boise; a lot of beautiful and taken-for-granted women there who would really appreciate a good man.

My sister lives over in Twin Falls and is always telling me about some woman who would be perfect for me if "only you lived down here"...

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

You sound a lot like my dad; very anti-social in that he has never been big on family gatherings and instead likes to spend limited time with just a very small circle of friends.

He's on wife #3 and I am his only child and from his first marriage. I once asked him why he never had any more kids with his second wife, whom he was married to for 25 years.

His reply was that he never saw much use for having kids.

But his third wife is very opposite of him; outgoing and bubbly and loves to hang out with lots of friends and family. She's been very good for him.

So maybe opposites do attract and by being honest in your profile, you will attract someone that sees you as a challenge...

I know that when I went on dating sites in the past, I tried several different approaches to writing my profile.

I tried being as honest as possible and being humorous to let my real personality shine through, I tried being short and brief and a bit jaded, I tried being super positive and warm and fuzzy, and I tried being a bad boy (by that time I had been on a dozen or so dating sites with little to no results and was just done with the whole process).

My theory is that your personality means very little in the online dating world. The key is your profile picture and your stats.

As an overweight, lower income, Christian, who smokes and drinks and has average looks, I didn't stand a chance.

I have since quit smoking, make a decent living, go to work every day in a dress shirt and tie, and am working on losing weight. I would stand a much better chance online now.

What I also learned was that photos that I thought were complimentary of my looks and physique were less popular with the ladies than others.

I had female friends choose photos for me and those got more positive results than ones I would have used.

Pictures of me with my kids or dog did very well compared to ones with me taking a selfie.

Of course all of this hinges on the actual demographics of the area you are in.

Where I am, there are very, very few single women over the age of 30. Even fewer that are Believers and conservative. I just had a beautiful woman at work friend me on FB yesterday and hint that she wants to go out for dinner. She's 26, Thai, and Buddhist.

Women in my demographic around here want a man in a suit, that makes a lot of money, is in perfect shape, is liberal, has a nice house, and nice but not religious.

In Arizona, where I moved from, there were hordes of women between 35 and 50 that were sick of shallow, materialistic, selfish, abusive men that cheated on them, hit on their friends, and didn't appreciate them.

If you had a job, were polite, had morals, looked presentable, weren't abusive, and didn't have addiction issues, then you were a hot commodity.

I often think that my future mate will likely be someone that has recently moved here from Arizona, California, or the East Coast and will be amazed what it's like to be treated with respect and be appreciated.

Now, you're in Boise. That's 300 miles South of me and there are A LOT of single women over 40. And also lots and lots of refugees from California and the East Coast.

If I was writing a profile for that area, I would focus on you being respectful, down to earth, not an addict, and a manly man. Be sure to say your kids are grown and out of the house and no drama with the ex.

Be careful because you may get a few LDS ladies pursuing you. Be sure to list "protestant" in your stats.

I'd love to be trying to date in Boise; a lot of beautiful and taken-for-granted women there who would really appreciate a good man.

My sister lives over in Twin Falls and is always telling me about some woman who would be perfect for me if "only you lived down here"...

Yes lots of quality, older women here. I think what kills me is indecision and apathy. Most women want confident men who know what they want and are leaders. I am none of those things. I am confident except when it comes to women. I don't know what I want. I like companionship but only in limited amounts perhaps too limited for a relationship. I am not the leadership type. Too much of a loner for that. Most people want to feel wanted, desired, pursued. Since I'm not even sure I want a relationship I can't convincingly offer those things. I am only on a dating site to test the waters and see if, by chance, I find someone I really want to spend time with. My profile states "friends and see where it goes" so I am not saying I want marriage. Perhaps I should not be on a site at all but if I never am around women I will never know if something might change.

I know I am unusual. I have few friends and am alone 95% of the time. I've been this way my entire life although when married I did spend time with my kids. I loved them and did a lot with them. I sometimes worry about growing old alone but then I am far from sure I want company. I think I have learned to be my own best friend. So I especially don't want to waste anyone's time.

p.s. I don't think I've met any women who see me as a challenge.

 

[Servant68]

Holy cow, can I relate to a lot of what you're saying!

I love the idea of having someone to go out to dinner with, or go hiking with, or enjoy a beautiful view in the mountains with, but then I think about the daily dating games of replying to texts soon enough, or liking enough of her stuff on Facebook, or worrying about if I am doing everything right, and it just really seems stressful and hardly worth it.

Relationships are hard. And stressful. And expensive. At least that has been my experience so far.

My hope is that I meet someone that makes all of the wondering, and guessing, and doubting, and stress, and games, go away. That I would just instantly "know" that I have found my true love and can be open and honest and comfortable and know that she is the one that God has chosen for me, and me for her.

That she would be someone that I can't imagine doing something without rather than someone I have to plan everything around.

Like you, I'm a loner. Sure, I like hanging out with friends and some of my fondest memories have been hanging out around a bonfire and discussing politics and religion with a group of friends.

But I do that maybe two or three times a year. The rest of the time I am alone in the woods hiking, fishing, or just driving my jeep. I love it.

I love sitting in my big comfy chair at home at night and firing up the TV and Netflix to binge watch some English murder mystery series while sipping a glass of wine. I need that time to unwind. I can't imagine being able to share that experience with someone else.

But I do know that there are women out there that feel the same way. They need to have someone that cares for them and appreciates them and values them, yet doesn't smother them.

I'm not sure about the phrase, "friends and see where it goes", though. That just screams, "I want friends with benefits with cheap, meaningless sex and no commitment because I am a typical shallow and selfish man".

You don't want that. I don't want that. Most men DO want that, though. Try going for the best-case scenario relationship; you want a woman that you are so in love with that you don't worry about all of the hard work and compromise and loss of personal space and freedom involved.

You WILL find a woman that just wants to hang out occasionally and do fun stuff together but, like you, can't explain why she wants to be with you more than what makes sense.

If you found a woman like that, then you would select "Looking for a serious, long-term relationship".

And that is the whole point of internet dating; to find someone out of the thousands of potential mates within 50 miles (in your case... A couple dozen or so in mine) of you that is the perfect match. If you approach it from the perspective of "I know she is out there and am ready to commit", rather than "if in the rare case that I actually meet someone that is acceptable then I may be OK with dating" then I think you will have a greater chance of success.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Holy cow, can I relate to a lot of what you're saying!

I love the idea of having someone to go out to dinner with, or go hiking with, or enjoy a beautiful view in the mountains with, but then I think about the daily dating games of replying to texts soon enough, or liking enough of her stuff on Facebook, or worrying about if I am doing everything right, and it just really seems stressful and hardly worth it.

Relationships are hard. And stressful. And expensive. At least that has been my experience so far.

My hope is that I meet someone that makes all of the wondering, and guessing, and doubting, and stress, and games, go away. That I would just instantly "know" that I have found my true love and can be open and honest and comfortable and know that she is the one that God has chosen for me, and me for her.

That she would be someone that I can't imagine doing something without rather than someone I have to plan everything around.

Like you, I'm a loner. Sure, I like hanging out with friends and some of my fondest memories have been hanging out around a bonfire and discussing politics and religion with a group of friends.

But I do that maybe two or three times a year. The rest of the time I am alone in the woods hiking, fishing, or just driving my jeep. I love it.

I love sitting in my big comfy chair at home at night and firing up the TV and Netflix to binge watch some English murder mystery series while sipping a glass of wine. I need that time to unwind. I can't imagine being able to share that experience with someone else.

But I do know that there are women out there that feel the same way. They need to have someone that cares for them and appreciates them and values them, yet doesn't smother them.

I'm not sure about the phrase, "friends and see where it goes", though. That just screams, "I want friends with benefits with cheap, meaningless sex and no commitment because I am a typical shallow and selfish man".

You don't want that. I don't want that. Most men DO want that, though. Try going for the best-case scenario relationship; you want a woman that you are so in love with that you don't worry about all of the hard work and compromise and loss of personal space and freedom involved.

You WILL find a woman that just wants to hang out occasionally and do fun stuff together but, like you, can't explain why she wants to be with you more than what makes sense.

If you found a woman like that, then you would select "Looking for a serious, long-term relationship".

And that is the whole point of internet dating; to find someone out of the thousands of potential mates within 50 miles (in your case... A couple dozen or so in mine) of you that is the perfect match. If you approach it from the perspective of "I know she is out there and am ready to commit", rather than "if in the rare case that I actually meet someone that is acceptable then I may be OK with dating" then I think you will have a greater chance of success.

Good words and thank you for them. I am open to the possibility there is no one for me. If so, that is ok. I can live contendely alone. In fact, unless something changes radically, it would be for the best. I would have to change in some miraculous ways. I don't think there is any woman alive who could make me feel differently. There is no one I'd rather be with than without. No I must change and be someone I have not been my entire life. Yes God can do that but it is not a desire or goal. I just want to live in peace and serve God but being with someone is almost impossible to imagine. So I could not, in honestly, say to myself or another "I know she is out there and am ready to commit." I am far, far, far from ready to commit. I don't want to make myself and someone else miserable.

I am happy for you though. I trust it will happen for you.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I think a big issue for me is that I have never enjoyed living with someone. This goes back to college roommates and beyond. I don't relax as much when someone else is in the house. Just something about having the house all to myself. It's one thing to have someone come over for a couple of hours and do something but then they leave and I have the house all to myself again. I can spend the weekend however I want. No one I have to plan with. Marriage would mean someone else in the house. She might be leaving me alone to do my own thing but she'd still be in the house. I couldn't get away with having a whole day where I didn't feel like talking. So while it would be nice to have someone to do things with once in a while that is not enough for a marriage.

Since I have been this way since childhood I've never known anything different. I have nothing to miss. I am attracted to women and enjoy their company just not enough for a relationship. I am 100% heterosexal but it's not much of a need/desire. I just need to get used to the idea of living out my life single.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, today you can define what you want for a relationship, NotUrAvgGuy. I have 3 long term relationships with ladies who don't live with me. Sometimes together or do a weekend trip, but they know they aren't going to ever live with me. Two of them have no desire to live with me either. So with some looking you can find the type of relationship you want.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Well, today you can define what you want for a relationship, NotUrAvgGuy. I have 3 long term relationships with ladies who don't live with me. Sometimes together or do a weekend trip, but they know they aren't going to ever live with me. Two of them have no desire to live with me either. So with some looking you can find the type of relationship you want.

Maybe semantics but to me those are called friends so I would not think of myself being in a long-term relationship with them. Just ongoing friendships.

 

[blackribbon]

NotUrAvgGuy, I think you are pretty good at describing who you are and I would go with the profile that you think describes you the best without getting too detailed. Maybe have a female friend or family member look over it and give you some input. The one thing I think you need to change is how you describe what you are seeking. "Friends and then we will see where that goes" reads to most women as a challenge to be that woman who makes you want to be married. I think you are safer to go with a more conservative statement like "I don't really see myself wanting to get married again, but I would like a special someone to spend time with and be my best friend. I can be a one woman man but need my personal space too". This puts it right out there that you couple be happy with a single woman but you aren't really looking for a full-time woman. Yes, this might turn off some women...but those are the women who put importance on finding someone to marry. The women who do respond to this are more likely to be looking for the same kind of relationship that I believe is what you really want and need to be satisfied & happy. Even if you wouldn't describe this relationship with these words, I think these are the words that would let a woman know you are interested in a long term relationship without it becoming a hip on hip 24/7 relationship.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

NotUrAvgGuy, I think you are pretty good at describing who you are and I would go with the profile that you think describes you the best without getting too detailed. Maybe have a female friend or family member look over it and give you some input. The one thing I think you need to change is how you describe what you are seeking. "Friends and then we will see where that goes" reads to most women as a challenge to be that woman who makes you want to be married. I think you are safer to go with a more conservative statement like "I don't really see myself wanting to get married again, but I would like a special someone to spend time with and be my best friend. I can be a one woman man but need my personal space too". This puts it right out there that you couple be happy with a single woman but you aren't really looking for a full-time woman. Yes, this might turn off some women...but those are the women who put importance on finding someone to marry. The women who do respond to this are more likely to be looking for the same kind of relationship that I believe is what you really want and need to be satisfied & happy. Even if you wouldn't describe this relationship with these words, I think these are the words that would let a woman know you are interested in a long term relationship without it becoming a hip on hip 24/7 relationship.

Thanks for the great thoughts. I used your exact wording in my profile! As you said, I am sure this will limit the filed A LOT but why waste someone's time? I don't know how people enjoy living together. It's such a foreign thought to me. Obviously I am wired differently. I don't get lonely. I've learned to be my own best friend and keep myself company. I am comfortable going out to dinner alone, going to movies alone, even going on vacations alone. I've learned that just because I'm attracted to women doesn't mean I want to be married. That has never meant having non-committed relationships with women or being intimate. Being attracted though and being in a society where pairing up is the norm I do feel odd at times but that's something I just have to accept and not worry about.

 

[blackribbon]

You will still get a few women who think they can change your mind...but this should give less than you probably get now. Pay attention to what she says in casual conversations....if she says that she "knows that she can change your mind and make you want to be married", know that she hasn't heard you describing who you really are. I actually do know a few women who would be open to the kind of relationship that you are wanting....I assume that occasionally they have to actually look at the online options hoping to find the guy who is honest and admits he isn't looking for a constant companion. She may travel, or values her profession as her primary priority, or is someone who never heard her biological clock ticking and never even wanted children. I hope you find her.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

You will still get a few women who think they can change your mind...but this should give less than you probably get now. Pay attention to what she says in casual conversations....if she says that she "knows that she can change your mind and make you want to be married", know that she hasn't heard you describing who you really are. I actually do know a few women who would be open to the kind of relationship that you are wanting....I assume that occasionally they have to actually look at the online options hoping to find the guy who is honest and admits he isn't looking for a constant companion. She may travel, or values her profession as her primary priority, or is someone who never heard her biological clock ticking and never even wanted children. I hope you find her.

Thanks. I see that a lot of women visit my profile but few contact me or indicate an interest. Some of that is them seeing I'm not a good match but some is probably seeing I don't want a long-term relationship. If I could ever enjoy living with someone I'd be golden!

I did have a woman yesterday like me but she had so many picky requirements. She was obviously into cooking and wanted a man who would cook with her. Wrote that if you were a "meat and potatoes" man to move on. I replied that while I wasn't a "meat and potatoes" guy I didn't like to cook and I "eat to live not live to eat." Besides we had nothing in common. Needless to say I haven't heard back from her.

 

[JAM2b]

I think it is fair to say something like "I'm not into crowds or large gatherings, prefer quiet weekends and holidays alone with someone special. I'm not a hermit, but I'm not a social butterfly."

I don't think you are a hermit or a loner because you have plans for retirement activities, and you have contact with some family you care about. There are women out there who are lowkey with family. I'm one. I can totally understand that.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Thanks. I see that a lot of women visit my profile but few contact me or indicate an interest. Some of that is them seeing I'm not a good match but some is probably seeing I don't want a long-term relationship. If I could ever enjoy living with someone I'd be golden!

I did have a woman yesterday like me but she had so many picky requirements. She was obviously into cooking and wanted a man who would cook with her. Wrote that if you were a "meat and potatoes" man to move on. I replied that while I wasn't a "meat and potatoes" guy I didn't like to cook and I "eat to live not live to eat." Besides we had nothing in common. Needless to say I haven't heard back from her.

Thanks. I agree. Some women's lives revolve around their kids and grandkids. That is perfectly fine but would be a bit much if they expected me to participate in all that. If they were fine with doing a lot of that solo then that could work although if they were always bringing them over to our house then not so much. I am also seriously considering moving later in the year so someone that close to family might not feel like moving out of the area.

 

[rubyinprogress]

I am never sure how much to relate about myself in dating profiles. Some people believe in keeping it light and saving anything heavier for once you get to know each other. I tend to want to save people time by sharing a bit more. Some counter my idea by suggesting that if I share too much upfront I may be dismissed whereas once they got to know me they might form a liking and be more willing to consider something that they might have otherwise considered a show stopper.

One is example is that I am not that family oriented. My siblings all live out-of-state. We are close and I see them from time to time but we make no effort to gather at holidays. Our parents are deceased so we no longer gather with them. I have 3 adult children though none with kids yet. I grew up in a dysfunctional family due to alcoholism. I am very close to retirement and am strongly considering moving one to two days drive from where I live now. Not to avoid my kids but to be somewhere I love and can pursue my retirement activities in.

I have met women with lots of grandkids and who just love family. That is truly a great thing but I know it's not me. I don't see myself as the doting grandfather. The norm for me is spending holidays alone. In general I would prefer to spend holidays with one other person and once in a while with family. Hanging out with grandchildren a lot is not something I would enjoy a lot.

So is that something worth mentioning in someway in a profile? If so how would you say it? I know that is important to a lot of women my age so I hate to waste women's time. In general I am not super social. A little goes a long ways with me.

Worth mentioning upfront?

As a doting grandmother I vote say it up front. If it's not gonna work out why waste your time and hers, not to mention the heartache if you begin to really like each other and THEN discover this irreconcilable difference. Just my opinion. There is something to be said for getting to know each other gradually, but if something is going to be a deal breaker might as well get it out there.