Dating or courting?

[Dave-W]

looked it up to see the actual difference between two

one explanation was the "mindset"
that courting is the mindset of marriage with goal of spouse that God wants for you

Courting always involves at least a 3rd person in the mix. It may be a parent, it may be a close mutual friend, in our case it was the elders of our congregation. You are responsible for your behavior to someone outside the courting relationship and someone helping you to pray who is not blinded by emotion. They will more easily see potential problems and red flags.

 

[Archivist]

Is there really much of a difference between modern dating and courtship as it was actually practiced? This is from Courtship, Sex, and the Single Colonist by Andrew G. Gardner, available here: Courtship, Sex, and the Single Colonist

"It may be that the traditional route to conjugal correctness—chaste courtship, formal engagement, church wedding, consummation, and parenthood, in that order—is less traveled. But historians say the modern, mixed-up, anything-goes form of bonding that includes physical intimacy and permanent or temporary cohabitation, with children born in or out of wedlock, is not altogether different from some of the practices of segments of seventeenth- and eighteenth-century populations.

As far as chaste courtship is concerned, the good old days have been overrated, almost as mythical as the Standish-Mullins-Alden triangle that Longfellow invented. Blame human nature if you like, but for want of a better phrase, hanky-panky was as prevalent among some eighteenth-century folks as it is among some of the twenty-first's. Beyond doubt, most people stayed strictly within the bounds of propriety, but in the mid to late 1700s, more than one girl in three was pregnant when she walked down the aisle. In parts of Britain, 50 percent of brides were great with child."

 

[thecolorsblend]

I prefer dating but I would be interested in a peaceful discussion about why would you prefer a different option like courting. Share your thoughts!

Courting made sense in a time and place when people adhered to a different (and stricter) set of social protocols. It was fine in its time but it is anachronistic in the modern world since neither participant truly understands their obligations before and during marriage.

The trend among younger people has been to wait longer to get married and get to know their would-be spouse better before they even start dating. On average, the people at my parish are marrying people they've known for between 3-10 years before they even went on their first date.

I guess these people are doing something right because the divorce rate is going down in America.

Millennials Are Causing the U.S. Divorce Rate to Plummet- Bloomberg - Are you a robot?

 

[FireDragon76]

"Courting" in the modern 21st century sounds like it was borne of a fear-based mentality. Afraid of "jumping the gun"? Christians should live with more boldness than that.

Experiencing deeper levels of intimacy is perfectly normal as one progresses into a relationship and builds trust. That seems like a healthier model to me than insisting there is a right or wrong way to date.

 

[FireDragon76]

Courting made sense in a time and place when people adhered to a different (and stricter) set of social protocols. It was fine in its time but it is anachronistic in the modern world since neither participant truly understands their obligations before and during marriage.

The trend among younger people has been to wait longer to get married and get to know their would-be spouse better before they even start dating. On average, the people at my parish are marrying people they knew for between 3-10 years before they even went on their first date.

I guess these people are doing something right because the divorce rate is going down in America.

Millennials Are Causing the U.S. Divorce Rate to Plummet- Bloomberg - Are you a robot?

That is my experience as well, if you aren't good friends with a potential spouse, I can't see how it could be a happy marriage. We just don't have the rigid social structures like we did in the 19th century, nor should we. There was a great deal of toxic shaming, hypocrisy and dishonesty hiding in the shadows.

Courting always involves at least a 3rd person in the mix. It may be a parent, it may be a close mutual friend, in our case it was the elders of our congregation. You are responsible for your behavior to someone outside the courting relationship and someone helping you to pray who is not blinded by emotion. They will more easily see potential problems and red flags.

I could only see that being appropriate for teenagers, who aren't yet able to be fully responsible for their actions (that's why they are legally minors, after all). Otherwise, I think its a bit silly to expect grown adults to have minders.

 

[thecolorsblend]

That is my experience as well, if you aren't good friends with a potential spouse, I can't see how it could be a happy marriage. We just don't have the rigid social structures like we did in the 19th century, nor should we. There was a great deal of toxic shaming, hypocrisy and dishonesty hiding in the shadows.

I agree. You're right. The social structures you mention discouraged divorce back in the old days.

Today, the only barrier between a marriage and a divorce is the commitment of the husband and the wife. People simply need a stronger foundation today than was necessary back when courting was the norm.

Under the circumstances, I can't blame my generational cohort one bit for taking the time to build a stronger foundation before walking down the aisle. I know exactly where they're coming from.

 

[Not David]

I don't know what's wrong about being physical in a relationship (like holding hands, hugging, kissing).