Dating and Physical boundaries

[sampa]

I'm sorry if this is getting repetitive to some, but I posted this question in the singles ministry and thought it might be nice to get the perspective of someone in their 30's, married and not, since I myself am in my 30's. Thanks so much.

Boundaries in dating: The Physical


This is my first post to the singles ministry and I'm sure I'll be posting more. I'm curious about those who are dating over the age of 25 years old (not that those under don't have valid experience, but I jus think I can relate closer to my age)....ok I'm wondering if you might discuss your physical boundaries in a dating relationship.

Examples: not kissing till the alter, not kissing till 2nd or 3rd date, cuddling, holding hands in public or private places, watching movies at home, or maybe just what you do to prevent getting too physical. Bible verses or guidance you use? since it's pretty gray, esp. the song of songs doesn't seem clear if it's courting or marriage.

2nd question, how do you communicate your physical boundaries without talking about it in depth on the 1st couple of dates?

Lastly if there's anyone married here if holding out/limiting your physical affected your marriage and made it harder for you to enjoy each other since you got so used to a pattern of withholding? sorry all didn't mean to write an essay.

 

[aspartamefree]

Sampa,

First things first: you can see by my character I'm married. I was fortunate enough to meet my wife when I was nearly 25, but we didn't marry until 2 years later.

Secondly, and this may be obvious, but you can't assume anything, the man you're dating must be a Christian. If he is, then bringing up the physical boundaries would be fine. Stating things up front allows you to be clear. Many people confuse themselves and each other because they have different expectations: the girl may expect light kissing and very little physical contact is ok, where the guy might think that anything short of intercourse is ok.

Obviously you need to bring this up. I would suggest that the first couple of dates would be in situations where physical contact would be minimal anyway: going out for coffee, spending time with mutual friends. Once you are certain that the relationship will continue, then you need to discuss boundaries. Buy "Boundaries before Marriage" and read it together. Use that book as a discussion starter to talk about where your relationship should head.

You shouldn't be afraid to discuss this sort of thing with someone you are dating, because if it goes well you will discuss other things like how many children you want to have, etc.

As a rule, the level of physical contact my wife and I permitted was anything that was not arousing, or intended to arouse. We stepped over the line once or twice and had to redraw the line.

And that background did not inhibit our physical contact after marriage. Indeed, it made the honeymoon all the sweeter, because there was so much more to explore.

Nowadays its the children that inhibit our physical contact more than anything else.


ps the Song of Songs doesn't indicate marraige or courting, but look at Solomon's track record!

 

[JPPT1974]

Just as long as it doesn't cross
The boundaries that God has set forth
In front of you then make sure that
You all just remember that God set those
Boundaries for reason!

 

[ido]

Hi Sampa. I have been divorced for just under a year and was separated for about 6 months before that. I have just recently begun to date/look for opportunities to meet men. I have been out of the dating scene for the better part of 7 years and had forgotten how quickly the subject of physical relationship surfaces!

I have found that being forthright about my physical boundaries accomplishes two things:

1 - It sets the tone for the dating relationship by letting the guy know my expectations up front.

2 - It weeds out the "undesirables" who are primarily interested in a physical relationship when they find out what my boundaries are.

Personally, the sooner the subject gets brought up, the less attracted I am to the guy. Don't get me wrong...I miss all aspects of marriage - including the physical aspect! However, if a guy is jumping right to the physical relationship topic, then I'm pretty sure he's not as interested in ME as he is in pursuing a sexual relationship.

Whatever your personal boundaries are, if anyone you are dating makes you feel badly about them...or tries to convince you to change them, then they don't really respect you and your desires. And if they don't respect you and your wishes then they're not the right person for you to be dating.

 

[sampa]

I have just recently begun to date/look for opportunities to meet men. I have been out of the dating scene for the better part of 7 years ....

flnativegirl, thanks for your advice. I've been in the process of re-entering the dating scene also. I had set-aside 13 years (maybe as someone else posted in a thread re-newed virginity, but I know that's not possible), just hoping someone of the Lord would show up. Like Elisabeth Elliot's book Quest for Love.

Along the way there's been many temptations.
I've been spending the past year getting some things purged out of my life I neglected for too long. Most all my attractions have been with non-christians and men that left the faith, until recently.

Last December I dated a guy 10 yrs younger, virgin and only had one 4 mth relationship. But every time he was at my place I felt sortof a pressing physical desire in him, I made it clear where I stood, but it still didn't seem to alleviate the pressure I felt.

So now I'm re-thinking allowing a guy at my place the first few dates. There was a thing of exclusivity too, he had an interst in only seeing me, whereas I was interested in dating more than one before deciding.

We talked a lot and broke off our dating to allow us both to see others. I'm glad I did because looking back we were two very different people. The physical really would have clouded it all.

Sampa,

Buy "Boundaries before Marriage" and read it together. Use that book as a discussion starter to talk about where your relationship should head.

thanks, I had checked out that book from the library right before I went on my first date with the guy above. It's been so useful I bought it and am reading it entirely. I didn't get to discuss it with the guy above because I really hadn't thought through where I stood and was just trying to talk it out since I'd been out of the scene for 13 years. My physical standard from the age of 20 on was no kissing till the alter, and that changed after a guy came into my life last year (someone I had worked with) and I saw a couple of christian marriages fall apart I looked up to. So it's all been a rebuilding and re-evaluation process of my life, because I nearly lost it last year over a guy.

btw, I have tons of male friends and even was mutually attracted to some of them. And I'm pretty sure 10 years later some of them wouldn't still be my friend if I had done anything physical with them. Stayed at their places in travels too. If that counts for anything and my witness towards them???

 

[JPPT1974]

You should go with what you feel comfortable with
And that you should really not overdo it
Or else you could be asking for trouble
If you overdo it. That is my two cents worth.

 

[sampa]

You should go with what you feel comfortable with
And that you should really not overdo it
Or else you could be asking for trouble
If you overdo it. That is my two cents worth.

JPPT1974, thanks for your advice. My biggest hurdle is going to be allowing simple things like cuddling, to love me or say I love you, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek. I skipped these and went on to other things when I was 17-19yrs old so as to remain detatched.
Anyways, thanks again, people posting here is helping me to sort through it so I'm ready for my next date. It's also scarey laying my heart out here, but I feel like I need some way to sort this out.

 

[JPPT1974]

You are very welcome
Just do what is right as well as
In the eyes of the Lord!

 

[GQ Chris]

I think you gotta keep away from too much kissing... because it is the beginning of sexual passion. The Bible says something like "your kisses are sweet like wine" lol

 

[sampa]

I think you gotta keep away from too much kissing... because it is the beginning of sexual passion. The Bible says something like "your kisses are sweet like wine" lol

thanks I will keep it in mind. I'm still sorting through everyones advice.....

 

[JPPT1974]

Remember God is just looking out for you
Because He loves you a lot!

 

[sampa]

Remember God is just looking out for you
Because He loves you a lot!

Just wanted to say thanks for the encouragement JPPT1974. I'm pretty tired and heading to bed. Tommorow I have a re-connecting with an old friend I haven't seen since 1992...it's a bit wierd and needs prayer. I'm discovering just how much I've changed since then. Christ bless you for your words JPPT1974

 

[JPPT1974]

Just wanted to say thanks for the encouragement JPPT1974. I'm pretty tired and heading to bed. Tommorow I have a re-connecting with an old friend I haven't seen since 1992...it's a bit wierd and needs prayer. I'm discovering just how much I've changed since then. Christ bless you for your words JPPT1974

God bless you too and
That you get a good night sleep!

 

[Faith2Faith]

I think a topic like this should be in the mainstream. I am teaching my kids to keep their opposite sex friends in friends groups. Going out with a group of friends that have morals. Not gettin yourself in a situation where you can make mistakes. Keep relationships on a basic friendship state,, Until you are ready to know the person for reason of marriage then, maybe spend time with themselves,, yet still in enviroments where it would be hard to make mistakes before marriage. Things that could be done with a friend.. kiss on the cheek, a brief hug... But any major huggin and kissing.. should be avoided until the wedding day approaches and certainty of matrimony are there.. but still abstaining from indescency or intimacy.until vows are complete I've heard so many christians.. thinking we are getting married so we can sleep together.. but it turns out the man or women backs out.. Now they have to live with that feeling of not being pure. I know my kids have a mind of their own.. but I encourage them to make the right decisions.. and hope that datin like that will help them find a nice girl that will be pure for my sons.

 

[sampa]

I think a topic like this should be in the mainstream.

thanks Faith2Faith for your comments, I agree that it's a good topic to discuss mainstream because the physical seems to confuse a lot of people and they don't really get a chance to know each other. Sometimes some will stay in a bad realtionship because they've already invested so much.

 

[Faith2Faith]

What happened to carving the heart in the tree? .. and the love letter "do you like me, check yes or no?

 

[sampa]

What happened to carving the heart in the tree? .. and the love letter "do you like me, check yes or no?

ohh good one, I like that. What did happen to that? I think about those things and the classic black and white movies. A date sure didn't have the pressures they have today.

 

[JPPT1974]

Don't you just love those classic black and white movies!

 

[JPPT1974]

ohh good one, I like that. What did happen to that? I think about those things and the classic black and white movies. A date sure didn't have the pressures they have today.

 

[sampa]

Hey JPPT1974, I'd almost think your bumping this thread to keep it alive.
Oh and thanks for the prayers for the old friend, things got kind of wierd and haven't heard from him since last Tuesday. I had a discussion about it on CF http://www.christianforums.com/t5517708-how-do-you-say-no-to-a-date.html. saw you were part of that discussion too, thanks for your feed. You ever get that feeling that you can't trust someone if you were alone with them? Even if they were a descent person years ago?